Tag: grief

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Starting Another Year……….Alone

So I’m starting another year alone………………you too?   Not the greatest is it?   But here we are.  And so while I don’t have profound words of wisdom, I’ll share how I’m processing this and maybe it will help you – or it might give you an idea on how you can process your own grief journey starting another year.

New Years Eve was a little better for me, thanks to a dear widow friend who invited me to have dinner at a local restaurant with some other widow friends of mine.  I affectionately call them my widow gang.  The distraction of chatting about whatever and laughing at various things, was definitely a help. Then we went to one of their homes and watched a movie.  Of course after that, I went home – alone.  But by then I just really wanted to be by myself.  

I wasted time watching tv and then went to bed to read.  It was a new book and I confess I got so invested in it that I read till almost midnight.  Midnight – I heard the fireworks in the neighborhood and realized………..the new year had begun, no matter what.  Isn’t it interesting how part of our life stops, but the rest of the world keeps going on…….and on……..and on??

New Years Day started out pretty sad, so I enjoyed an extra cup of coffee and staying in my PJs.  But the sadness eased as I headed into the day.  I baked a new bread recipe and got my black eyed peas going in the small crockpot.  Then late afternoon, I put together a new yellow squash recipe – – – spoiler alert – it’s a keeper & can be easily doubled etc.  Yay!  

Also in retrospect, the passing of the the year and start of the next may have affected me a bit more because I was seriously tired and recovering from driving 600 miles the day before.  

But the ending & beginning bothered me more this year, I think, because I couldn’t sense a “word” or a specific focus/direction from God.  At the end of each year, I pray and look for not a resolution, but a direction – a reset – that sort of thing.  This year – I only came up with a couple things.  They may not sound profound or imaginative, but for the moment, I think it suits me. 

So for this year, 2024, I’m a student –  taking masters classes at a local seminary.   In addition – I’m praying a couple things – may God order my steps and above all – may God heal my heart.  I continue to walk through this life with a broken heart.  And before any other Christians out there try to counsel me – It really is well with my soul – – – – – it’s just not great with  my heart.  After talking this over with a very dear friend who lost her husband 3  months before me – 10 years ago – we  are experiencing the same thing.  Nothing is affecting our faith – we still have joy in the Lord – but our heart seems to be permanently shattered.  Who knows – maybe it has to do with the 10 year mark…….honestly friends………I have no idea.  I’m as clueless as the rest of you.  

Through every year, God has proved faithful.  I know He will continue to be faithful.  My faith is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.  I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.  On Christ the solid rock I stand – all other ground is sinking sand.   

I pray that God will grant each one of us comfort, peace and healing.  

 

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Lamenting…………and a Book Suggestion

         Psalm 10 – Psalm 77 – Psalm 13

Lament…………………..do you know about lament?

I really didn’t understand what was meant by lament – at least not for a Christian. Lament according to Webster is the expression of sorrow – the mourning, wailing, crying loudly.  But for the Christian, the definition is a bit different. 

Here’s where I suggest a very good book on Christian lament.  The title?            Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop.  It’s been an very eye-opening book for me.  Let me try to explain why. 

The past 2+ years I have been experiencing a different kind of grief – or maybe it would be more accurate to say a different season of grief that now I think is really lament. 

The book explains lament way better than I could, so I will use short excerpts from the book.

“Lament is a prayer in pain that leads to trust.”

Lament “usually includes 4 key elements: (1) an address to God, (2) a complaint, (3) a request, and (4) an expression of trust and/or praise.”

“Lament is the honest cry of  hurting heart wrestling with the paradox of pain and the promise of God’s goodness.”

So you see, it is different than melting into a bucket of tears, which is what happens to us especially for the first few years………but we all know that this pops up as time goes on.  We all know we don’t “get over” grief or completely heal this side of heaven.  But, the lion’s share of this happens early.  Just an aside – I believe this is God’s grace.  How can I say that?  I believe if God allowed us to feel the full weight of the pain of grief in the first week or so that we would actually die.  I don’t believe our human frame could take it. And so, God allows the buckets for awhile, but then they are more manageable containers.  We are able to cry it through, and work through that moment, or that hour, or that difficult day or night.  God’s grace.  It’s a way He shows His love for us & His compassion. 

Back to lament………..so maybe the best way to help you is to be transparent about my lamenting over the recent past, and is still very much present. 

It is me asking hard questions that stem from watching others widowed find their second chapter or it might be watching the frightening spiral of culture, our country etc. etc. and realizing I may walk this darkness alone till He returns.  And yes – I know I’m not alone when I have God/Jesus/Holy Spirit.  Truly, they are the only thing that holds me together sometimes.  Dark – it’s so dark, and getting darker by the day.

It’s me wrestling with the “paradox of pain and the promise of God’s goodness.”   It’s a word I learned recently.  Theodicy.  Defense of God’s goodness and omnipotence in view of the existence of evil (Webster)  

It’s asking God where my restoration is, when will the intense pain stop, how long Lord?  Then when I’m deep in the weeds with this, I think of others whose suffering is physical and unending, and I wonder if I have a leg to stand on in my lament to God. In the end, I believe we all go through crucibles of our own, whether physical or emotional or spiritual.  And as Christians, the difference for us is the Rock on which we stand.  I must remember that while my feelings are very real, they are often not true.  So how can I know??

How we know our feelings aren’t true is to line them up with the Truth of scripture.  We don’t have our own truth – there is only one Truth.  Our pain, whatever it is, doesn’t get the final word – God does. 

The Psalms are so encouraging to me.  I believed that’s why it’s the “go to” scripture for anyone experiencing a tough emotion. David lays it all out – over & over again. I love that about him. God had him do that for our benefit. David was a man after God’s own heart, but he still struggled with pain, with theodicy.

Am I rolling out of this lament ?  The simple answer is no.  I do, however, see God teaching me things.  And I know from walking with the Lord for lots of years, He’s got a purpose in my pain. I also know that He loves when I praise Him even when I’m crying and asking questions. I love that about Him. He is my heavenly Father and I can come to Him messy & broken.  Good thing, because I am………….alot these days.   You too?  

Be encouraged friend. Go to the Psalms I listed at the beginning of this post.  That’s a great starting point.  Keep talking to God. Bring Him your questions, your pain. Ask Him to teach you things through this. Trust Him. Praise Him. Watch what He does. Friend, He is our solid Rock. Everything else is sinking sand.  This pain isn’t for nothing.  God doesn’t waste anything. Hold onto hope. Hold onto the Savior.  Lament it out dear friends…………….

Sending you hugs……………………Peace & Blessings…………

 

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Catching up and Questions

It’s been terribly long since I wrote on the blog.  So please accept my apology.  

To be honest, I’ve been mulling over whether I need to keep writing here, if it’s helpful for anyone, or if I should just give it up.  I’m not the most tech savvy person and my site isn’t very modern or as current as others.  Also – for quite awhile, writing seemed to be what I was supposed to do.  I’m reevaluating that lately.  I do enjoy the writing, but trying to assess if it should be a priority.  

So maybe you can help me with this.  Do you like the content here?  Would you like to see more about my grief journey or grief in general?  If there are topics or ideas you would like to see me write about, comment and let me know.  

We all know grief is such an odd journey.  I just passed the 8 year mark.  I can’t wrap my head around that length of time.  In some ways it doesn’t seem that long ago, but when I look at all that has happened since my husband passed, it makes sense that it’s that long.  Sounds a bit circular in thinking, but then, grief is sorta like that, isn’t it? 

To catch you up on what I’ve been doing.  In 2021 I took an ACBC Biblical Counseling Course at my church.  Deep stuff, but so good.  Since January 2022, I’ve been putting together a Grief Support Binder – my personal resource when meeting with a widow.  It’s all sorts of information on a variety of topics with applicable scriptures etc.  No one but me will really be seeing this, but I need something where all the stuff I’ve learned, both in class and in life, is located.  My husband would call it my Dash One – which is what they called the enormous binder for each aircraft in the Air Force.  It’s a small b bible for that plane.  My GSB is my Dash One.  

Oddly enough, but perfectly logical in God’s economy, God continues to bring widows to me in various ways, giving me the opportunity to listen, understand and with whom to share my journey.  It’s such a privilege.  And so  – this is where I believe God is calling me – – – – to walk along side other widows.  This is an awesome responsibility and calling.  The more I learn, the more I feel inadequate to the task.  But God has other ideas.  He used so many unqualified people in the Bible to accomplish His will.  Maybe I’m just another one of those unqualified, but willing & obedient folk.  

Thank you for being part of this inconsistent blog of my journey.  Doing this was not what I had originally meant to do – the blog portion just came with the set up of the website, so I went with it. 

I’m honored that you would take time to read my ramblings.  I’m honored to share my imperfect journey.  Let me know what you think.

Peace & Blessings…………………………………………..

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When The Bough Really Does Break

The last 4 1/2 weeks or so have been crushing.  I didn’t fully understand the cumulative impact until this past Thursday.  And – because you will at some point encounter cumulative grief, I want to share my experience of the bough breaking.  If you have already experienced this, be on the lookout for it happening again in your own life, certainly, but pay attention to those around you who have not experienced it yet.  If it’s possible, be there for them. 

My breaking bough happened this past Wednesday night after my counseling class.  But before I explain what happened, here’s the timeline leading to that. 

On August 7th, I lost a dear woman that I used to sing with in choir and do bible study with in my former church in Missouri.  It was really difficult and heartbreaking that I could not travel back for the funeral.  The next one was particularly crushing. #1

On August 17th, I lost my best friend in the Air Force, a fellow Command Spouse, and heart of my heart in so many ways.  She was 4 years younger than me.  Oh – cancer, you are just so awful.  This one was and is very painful.  Sometimes it simply doesn’t seem real.  And yet – I was there for the visitation, the funeral, and the aftermath with the widower.  Heavy………..oh, so heavy. #2

Then September 6th, I lost a sweet gentleman that I used to sing with in choir and ensembles at my former church in Missouri.  UGH!!  Another choir member…………..  My heart broke and I grieved that loss……#3

September 7th, the husband of a co-worker at Altus AFB Chapel died from Covid.  He was a squadron member back when we were stationed in Altus.  53  Yeah………53.   #4

4. . . .count them, 4.  But that isn’t all that was happening.  

Afghanistan happened.  The mismanaged withdrawal happened.  Leaving Americans happened.  Loss of 13 servicemen happened.  Memories from the past 20 years……………….knowing they all/ we all made a difference……… but I’m upset and angry over how this has been executed.  It’s a different kind of grief….but grief nonetheless. And pre-grief – – for what this is setting in motion – terrorist events yet to be. 

Finally, there’s my biblical counseling class on Wednesday nights.  The section we have been covering is on marriage.  Honestly, for the most part it has been ok.  I’ve looked at it academically and keyed in on pivotal verses from scripture that not only show us how we are to live as husbands & wives, but as believers – Christ followers.  This past Wednesday night was the final module in the section.  

There was not specific trigger.  Nothing in particular was hard to hear.  But I believe the cumulative pile of grief was pushed over the edge with all the marriage do’s & don’ts talk.  About 3/4 through the class I felt it coming.  Eyes began to tear and the pain in my chest was becoming unbearable.  The bough was about to break. 

No, I told God.  Not here, not now.  Lord, help me hold it together till I can get out of here.  And He did.  God is so faithful.  He continues to rescue me from tangible as well as intangible.  

I made it to my car and then water started flowing out of my eyes.  My heart felt physical pain.  I was feeling crushed – completely crushed.  I drove all the way home………crying.  And it continued for awhile.  The bough broke.

Sleep didn’t come easy, even though the crying had stopped.  I wasn’t depressed.  My heart hurt and felt heavy.  Reading wasn’t easy either.  And I didn’t want to watch tv.  So I laid there and prayed, I poured out my heart to God and cried a bit more.  I’ve learned that in the arms of Jesus is the only truly safe place I can do this.  It is the only place I feel comfort.  He is my strong tower and I run to Him.  He would walk me through this intense grief and bring me out on the other side.  I’ve walked this before with Him.  I knew He was the only unchanging, faithful One who could get me through.  

And He did.  I finally fell asleep and woke up at my regular time without the alarm.  A short night.  I thought to myself, I will need to catch a power nap today.  But you know what?  I didn’t.  My heart wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t heavy anymore.  My thoughts were clearer and I was again walking in strength and confidence.  

This blog isn’t Christian faith focused, but I’m making an exception in this post.  My faith is the reason I have not only survived, but moved forward better than I ever thought possible.  My faith is the foundation upon which I stand.  And – statistics prove that a person of any kind of faith, meets life’s challenges & tragedies better than one with no faith, no hope.  I have faith.  I have hope – a know-so hope, not a hope-so hope. 

I’m not talking religion.  There are those who try to put me in a box and say I am “religious”.  I’m not religious, I’m faithful.  I have a relationship, not a religion.  The denomination where I attend is not the denomination I have always attended.  I’m a Christ-follower.  I adhere, for the most part, to a schedule for worship and participating at my church, but I’m not there every time they open the door.  I’m not checking off to-do boxes, I’m participating in corporate worship, private worship, and ministering to the body of Christ.  It is a lifestyle of faith. 

Why am I pointing this out?  Because I fully believe that when the bough broke Wednesday night, it was God’s grace.  He knew I needed a safety valve to open and vent off the overwhelming sadness and pain that was captured inside me.  Grief is work, and this was some work I needed to do.  The tears I cried are tears I won’t have to cry again.  The tears of the future are different. Their healing part is yet to happen. 

In addition, I want you to understand that on this side, I am thankful for the crushing break of the bough Wednesday night.  I want you to see that terrible pain can lead to wonderful healing and greater insight.  I believe it also gives you what you need not just for today, but for your future breaking boughs.  And – – – it puts you in a position to help someone you see whose bough is breaking.  You have credibility because you have been through it.  God doesn’t waste anything………….the comfort you have been given is to be passed on.  (2 Corinthians 1)

Take heart dear one.   You are not alone in the bough breaking moment.  If you have never reached out to the One who died for you, I encourage you to do it.  Give Jesus a chance.  In this life, He is the only One who will never, ever change and who will always & forever walk this with you.   

Peace & Blessings

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The Sting of Death. . . .

I Corinthians 15:55    O death, where is your victory?  O death, where is your sting? 

I Thessalonians 4:13  But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.

 

Lately, I have been thinking about the phrase – the sting of death.  

Every one of us who has experienced loss knows the pain and sorrow that death brings.  It hurts – well, to be honest………..it more than hurts…….it’s a pain so deep & awful that it defies words.  

But I keep coming back to the phrase – the sting of death.  It’s sticking with me.  It’s important and I need to know why the sting is gone. 

It comes from the scripture noted above.  It is part of chapter 15 which outlines and explains that Christ died for our sins, and by dying once for all, abolished death.   Verse 54 says – death is swallowed up in victory.  Death is crushed. 

Christ conquered sin & death on the cross.  So for Christians, death isn’t final or ultimate.  Yes – they are gone. . .my husband is gone. . . from this physical world.  But our parting is temporary.  I will see him again.  He is still very much alive – – just not here.  

And so even though death is still a part of us living here on planet earth, the sting is gone for us who are believers.  

Please understand – – we are definitely hurting!  The sting is gone, but death hurts! 

However – – – – – I do not grieve as one who does not have hope.  

Hope  – oh yes – Hope.

Hope in Jesus.  Hope in the Lord, my rock (Psalm 18:2).  Hope because we will all be reunited (I Thessalonians 4:13-18).

This is why I’m writing this for you.  Hope.  The sting is gone.  

We still sorrow…………we still cry………..we still mourn………but we know it’s not the end.  It’s temporary for those of us who have accepted Christ as Savior. 

I can hear some of you question – you’re not sure your loved ones accepted Christ before death.  But we don’t know for certain that they didn’t.  Only God knows the hearts of men/women.  “for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (I Samuel 16:7)

The sting……………gone.  We grieve…………….with hope.

My heart is heavy but I sing hallelujah.  God gets the final word – not death. 

I hope this encourages you as you walk your grief journey.  You are not alone.  God walks it with you.   I’m walking it too. 

Peace & Blessings. . . . .

 

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The Deathiversary

Deathiversary

Believe it or not, that is truly a word.  I promise – not a joke.  It’s in the Urban Dictionary online.  Yeah…………..I did go looking for it.  Actually, I was just looking for a word besides anniversary – or death day.  Not sure I’ll stick with this one, but it struck me as a good one to use for this post.  So humor me – ok?

Yesterday.  4/1/2021   My husband Tracy’s deathiversary.  7 years.  Wow…….I can’t believe it’s been 7 years.  In my heart and head I do feel like it’s more than a year – but 7 years?  Seriously?  (SMH)

Every year is different.  Some have been worse than others.  Some have been full and easier to take than others.  Last year, 2020, well – you can imagine how awful that was.  Not the whole day, mind you, but a significant part for sure.  Everything was shut down so I couldn’t really go much of anywhere, and somehow going to the grocery store wasn’t at the top of my fun list.  

Yesterday was quite good till I went to bed.  And then the weight of the day crashed in.  I’m pretty sure many of you have had this happen.  While I do understand the reason behind last night’s sob fest, what I don’t understand is  when the wave crashes unexpectedly with no trigger.  But that’s probably a subject for another post.  For now – I will focus on the deathiversary smash. 

I had spent a little time reading, turned out the light and began my prayer like always.  The thing is, I got a bit stuck thanking God for the day.  I was truly thankful for the day, but somehow the day itself was connected with a day of pain beyond explanation 7 years ago.  The only way I could get through it to the other side was to talk it through with God.  There was heartbroken honesty and some questions asked.  How thankful I am that God listens and understands.  In scripture He is called the God of all comfort.  It’s true.  Do my questions get answered ?  No, and probably not this side of heaven.  Does it really solve anything?  No – but something does happen.  I think it’s that I feel validated, listened-to, understood.  And that does make a difference.  In the end, I believe it’s simply needful to talk it out.  Holding it in makes the torture go on and on.  But speaking it out loud, or at a sobbing whisper, means something.  It’s not dangling out there in the air, it has made it non-stop to the throne of grace.  And through the unbroken connection between the throne & me, love pours through.  The listening part is what helps the most I think.  I’m sure God is thinking,  ‘here she’s comes again with the grief wave’.  But He listens anyway.  

And don’t we do that with our children?  We want them to come to us a gazillion times with their heartaches.  We listen.  We understand that what they are going through is hard and sometimes not fair.  We hold them, we hug them, we comfort them.  Well – that’s what God does.  He listens.  He holds me.  He hugs me.  He comforts me.  And finally at long last, I sleep.  

Truth be told, my face feels swollen in the morning & I’m running low on my sleep meter.  But I feel like some of the toxic grief has left me and I can begin a new day.  Technically the first day of the 8th year.   Yikes………….ok I need to land this plane or I’m going to feel discouraged again.

So how do you handle your deathiversary?  Have you had ups and downs?  Have you experienced God’s amazing grace, listening and comfort?  Tell me about it.  It doesn’t matter how long for you – the deathiversary comes every year.  1, 4, 7, 15 +.  Talk to me.  How did you deal with the last one?  How are you going to deal with the one coming up?  

No matter your loss – No matter how fresh or how long, my heart is with you.  I’m listening, giving a virtual hug and sharing a word of encouragement.  Here’s something that resonates with me. . . . . . 

Psalm 34:18  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.     

Psalm 56:8   You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book. 

That’s the God who listens and esteems our tears greatly.  I pray it blesses you to  know that.  

Peace & Blessings

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The Why Questions

Have you ever looked into the night sky and asked questions?  Better yet – did you get any answers?

I bet not.

Many times I’ve looked at the stars and wondered many things.  I have wished my husband could just send a message.  I’ve wished God could give me some sort of explanation. 

But there was nothing but silence.

It seems to be a common theme with those who have experienced loss.  We all have questions.  And it doesn’t matter if our loss was sudden or dragged out with some awful thing like cancer. 

The number one question is usually – – – – WHY…………

Why did they have to die? Why did they die so young? Why couldn’t the doctors find the tumors earlier? Why wasn’t there time to say good bye? Why was there such pain and suffering? Why am I left alone?

So many whys………………

When I first asked my Whys, I would eventually get so exhausted that I gave up. As time went on and I gained strength, the Whys continued, but the direction changed. I went to the Source – the only place I felt I could find an answer.  I went to God and His word.

There is a lot of suffering in the bible.  Men and women lost people they loved to illness, war and suicide.  I’m sure they asked Why too. 

One man is recorded in scripture asking Why and with good reason.  His name is Job.  Most people have heard of him and his troubles.

His losses just would. not. stop.

He lost all his oxen and servants while they were in the field. Then fire fell from heaven killing all his sheep and the servants tending them. At the same time, enemies of Job came and stole his camels and killed those servants.  He lost all his sons and daughters because a mighty wind struck the house where they were gathered and it collapsed. 

But it didn’t end there. 

He had lost possessions and his whole family except his wife.  But there was more to lose.  He lost his health.  All of a sudden terrible boils appeared all over his body.  They were everywhere from the top of his head to the bottoms of his feet.  They were terribly painful.  He tried to relieve the suffering by scraping himself with a piece of pottery while sitting among the ashes.  I can’t imagine how awful that was!  Job knew sadness upon sadness as well as physical pain.  He was suffering and I’m sure asking Why.

To make matters worse, his wife turned her back on God and gave Job some terrible advice.  She said, “Do you still hold fast to your integrity?  Curse God and die!”

Thankfully Job did not go along with her suggestion.  He knew she was being foolish. 

Still, Job was stuck in this situation for a long time.  He had some friends who tried to figure out the cause of Job’s hurting, but they were no help.  

Job asks Why.  He cries out to God.  He feels forgotten. 

In our deep grief. . . .in our loss that has devastated our world, we can feel forgotten too.  It’s a natural way to feel.  The good news is, God is big enough to handle our deep emotions and our begging question – Why?

I like this story of Job because though it’s a heart wrenching story, it has a fantastic ending. By the way – go read the great ending – it’s Job 42: 10-17.  The last chapters of Job show us something about wanting answers to unanswerable questions.

God does answer Job after he has poured his heart out completely.  It is in God’s answer and Job’s response that I find help for my Whys. 

God clearly shows who He is and His authority.  Job gets it.  He realizes that he was asking for answers he could never understand.  He saw that God in His sovereignty, His ultimate power and majesty, was too wonderful and amazing for a mere human to comprehend. 

I wish I was the one who had come up with this, but it’s actually a statement I heard from the popular Christian singer, Danny Gokey.  He said, “God doesn’t answer Job’s questions, He gives him perspective.”

That’s so rich.  And it resonates with me. 

Do I still ask Why? Yes !  It’s ok to ask our Whys. God is there to listen and comfort.  He knows we see this in an earthly and personal way.  But now I can open my hand and let my tears flow. God has a totally different perspective.  All I see is right here.  God sees everything – past, present and future.  So I trust Him. 

Friend, I know it’s not easy to do.  You won’t suddenly be ok with your Whys.  You will continue to have questions.  But over time, perhaps knowing God has the only perfect perspective, you can open your hand as you cry saying, “OK God, I don’t like it and I don’t understand, but I trust You.”

May we all find peace as we bring God our Whys, then move forward with trust.  

Peace & Blessings to us all…………………………………….

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I’m Tired Of Being Brave

Bravery Fatigue – that’s what I have going on these days.  You too??

I’m not sure, but I think this bravery fatigue might be somewhat cumulative.  Then again, I believe it’s intensified because of the pandemic.  Goodness – this pandemic has fatigued everyone for one reason or another.  We are all tired. . . so tired. 

My story – 6 1/2 years long at this point. . .emphasis on the word long.  And even as I write that, I know there are others widowed that have walked this grief journey a lot longer.  I salute all of you !!

We, the widowed, have to make life decisions – decisions so very gigantic – we make them alone for the first time in our adult life.  I am ever grateful that God helped me remember the logistics of past life decisions my husband & I made over our 37 1/2 years together.  I’m also very thankful for the people with specific expertise along the way.  I believe God had us cross paths in order to add to my wisdom quotient.  Believe me, I needed it. 

This year is perhaps the straw that is breaking this camel’s back. 

In March, I moved from St. Louis, MO to Louisville, KY.  Mind you, that is after all the huge decisions & hurdles in 2019/early 2020 – deciding where to move, much downsizing, signing to begin building a home, deciding on a realtor, researching the market, vetting a mover, all the move prep – packing boxes, disassembling furniture, deciding what can go in my car/my friend’s car – oh and then the week of the physical move – physically exhausting. 

I get to Louisville and everything shuts down – everything. I can’t even see family for awhile.  

I’ve left my solid support system and am now living in the desert. 

Initially it didn’t bother me too much, but as things have dragged on with no end in sight. . . well, that wears on a person. 

Additional stress came after the physical move. . .selling my St. Louis home, closing out MO tax stuff for my business, starting up tax stuff in KY, and drivers license & plates (took    7 months). . .and much more.

And now, plowing into starting over, entering as a nobody – no one knows my history or anything I’ve done – not that I’m looking for any kind of fame – just credibility.

The worst part?  Not knowing what to do next.  God has been quite silent about this.  My head understands I can trust Him & that He has a plan.  My heart hasn’t caught up.  I like to say – I know God has a plan, I just don’t like this part. Truth. 

Please understand I don’t want to know the whole picture.  I’m just looking for direction for where to focus.  Maybe you are looking for that too.  Often on this journey, we find ourselves in the oddest of places, don’t we?

Focusing on the road before us as widows & widowers…and then  bravery fatigue.  We have been brave for so long.  We have stepped up, moved forward, made decisions. . .and we are tired. 

So I’m talking to me as much as I am to you. We get each other.  We understand where others outside of our walk do not. 

Find strength in calling it what it is.  This really does help.  And then lay down your sword for a few – a few minutes, hours, days.  Then pick it back up and take a step forward.  Even when we don’t know what’s next we can do what we know – right here, right now. 

Me?  I’m going to focus on my writing.  While I do that, I’ll keep listening for God’s voice – His prompting.  I’m going to trust – believe – hope. 

That’s what I offer to you friend. 

Lay down your sword – rest – pick it back up – take a step – do what you know – listen for God’s prompting. 

My dear fellow grief travelers. . .I’m sending you peace & blessings.

 

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Do The Next Right Thing

Currently I’m attending a local Griefshare group at my church.  It’s a wonderful small group that is a safe place.  How important it is to have a safe place to question, vent, share, and listen.  

The Griefshare ministry is video driven with a workbook that is done during the week.  It is thoughtfully laid out and even has scripture written out right there on the page, which helps so much.  Another thing I appreciate is the larger font they have used.  It’s not so much an age thing as it is a bereavement thing.  I don’t know about you, but I like a little larger font when I’m a bit bleary eyed.

In a recent video, one of the folks sharing about their grief journey spoke about how when we are overwhelmed with all that needs to be done, that it’s helpful to just do the next right thing.  I love that!!  And this is why I’m writing today’s post.  I want to share that great thought with you.  

Coincidentally, there is a podcast I listen to called, The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman. I mention that in case you may have heard of it.  Great podcast, by the way, and I’ve found it helpful on my grief journey.  Just know that it’s for everyone and not focused on bereavement.  Emily is so good at helping us simplify our every day, our thoughts etc.  And as you have probably realized, that helps when grieving.  

But on to the reason for this post. 

When grieving, we get overwhelmed, upset, stuck, and so many other things.  It is this particular subject that the Griefshare video was addressing.  Sometimes we come to a place where we don’t know what to do, what step to take.  That’s when I think it’s important to do the thing right in front of you – do the next right thing. When we do just that one thing, it can help us feel ready to do the next thing, and the next, and the next. 

Sounds so simple, but as you know, when we are grieving – it’s NOT!  Taking that next step requires an act of the will.  You won’t want to do it, but once you take that one step forward, you will see significant benefits – sometimes right away, and sometimes once you have completed that next thing.   

It’s a feeling of accomplishment.  It’s one less thing on the long list of things to do.  And once it’s done, go ahead and take pride in it.  If you are a list maker like me, getting that one thing done will help you feel just a bit better.  Note – I’m sorry for using the word better, but it’s the word in the English language that describes it best.  We both know that better takes awhile, so please understand that I’m not rushing you.  

So dear friend on this grief journey with me – take heart, take a deep breath – and do the next right thing.

I know I’m stepping out on a limb here, but I sincerely believe you will be glad you did.

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Unexpected stuff. . .think Bermuda Triangle.

What an ominous title, right?  

So continuing on the “moving” theme, let me share some unexpected stuff that has happened and is still happening.  Don’t let this discourage you !!!!  Not at all !!!   

I’m baring my heart to you, knowing that even in other circumstances & scenarios, someone widowed out there will understand.  This is also to give you a heads up.  I want to let you in on this so when it happens to you, you will think – hmm, Debbie went through something similar – and it’s going to be OK.

Let me state this again – – – – don’t be discouraged !!!  You will get through it and be ok.  I believe that we will all get through whatever this grief journey throws at us and we will actually be stronger. 

But in the meantime, here’s what I’ve been experiencing.  

As I wrote before, I moved from St. Louis to Louisville mid-March,  right at the very beginning of Covid.  And again – I don’t recommend moving during a pandemic.  But that’s where I’m coming from here. . .

The Bermuda Triangle idea didn’t happen right away.  First of all I spent 10 days unpacking, breaking down boxes and putting things away.  I was putting in 10 hour days and sleeping pretty long at night, which is a huge blessing for me.  Yes – at the beginning, I had lots to do, and emotionally I was happy to be in my new home.

However – – – as time went on, there were so many things that weighed heavily on me.  I was working with my realtor on selling my St. Louis house – during Covid – oh boy, not a fan.  I was spending hours & hours online researching house things to buy – rugs, shower curtains, bar stools, back porch furniture, front porch bench etc. etc.   I was dealing with the sadness of missing my previous home, neighborhood, church, friends. . . .   Also – I was experiencing deep grief over leaving my previous life behind – the one with my husband.  And – leaving him buried in the national cemetery in St. Louis.  Plus, how ironic!  I moved to be near family, but we couldn’t be together – because of Covid.  No hugs, no spending time together, and seeing my grandchildren only in my driveway with them buckled in their seats.  Heartbreaking. 

You see – it’s all the tangible and intangible things.  And they occasionally intersect in one common place……my Bermuda Triangle. 

There have been mornings that I sat in my glider rocker sobbing and pouring out my heart to God.  Any of the things going on in my Bermuda Triangle individually were not overwhelming.   Pile them all together – overwhelming.  

How grateful I am that this hasn’t happened a whole lot nor frequently.  But friend, can I just be honest here?  When it happens. . .oh my goodness, how awful.  Truly awful.  And crushing. . . 

One of the things each of us has experienced is crushing from grief.  Even though I’m 6+ years out from my husband’s death, I still have my moments.  Gosh I hope that’s not discouraging for you.  We all hope & pray that grief diminishes over time and isn’t so crushing.  I can say that it is indeed better, even though better isn’t the best word.  

Maybe in a strange sort of way, this post will be encouraging to you in this way.  You will know that someone else experiences this crushing from time to time.  It means you are normal !  Totally normal.  And from my perspective, that is so helpful.  I’m going. . .you are going. . . where we have never been before.  It’s meaningful to talk to someone who is further down the road.  Hopefully I can be that someone for you.  

As I write this, my St. Louis home is close to closing – Hallelujah !!!  But I’m still dealing with emails or phone calls where the realtor or person at the title company needs some sort of documentation etc. etc. etc. – so much etc. etc. etc.  And I’m still experiencing the grief of leaving a place that was home for 11 1/2 years, dear friends and the familiarity of so much.  It really does cause pain in my spirit to close this door, not only the physical move, but the door on my first life.  

I must also add that there is future uncertainty that feels daunting & just way too vague.  How do I figure out what I’m supposed to do in this next chapter?  I’m very much asking the question – what am I going be when I grow up?  Do I want to get a part time job?  And where in the world would I want to work?  I’m in a new city where I’m not connected yet. Or do I focus on writing, working at my online writing course and my blogs?  

As I look at all I just wrote, maybe the hardest part to it all is that nothing in my life, or anyone’s life, is normal right now.  Covid has really messed with normal ! I’m so thankful things are opening up and we are ramping back up, but the truth is, we are still in the thick of this pandemic where life is most definitely not normal.  

Gosh, I really need to land this plane.  And I’m sure you are hoping that I have some magical solution.  Alas, I do not.  

What I do have is a simple suggestion I read in a book somewhere that said it was greatly beneficial to write down positive things even in the midst of negative circumstances like my Bermuda Triangle.  

I have not written them down at this point, but I have taken the time to list them mentally.  It actually helps !  I remember an old hymn that says – Count Your Many Blessings, Name Them One by One.  That’s the whole idea – instead of focusing on the stress, the negative, the uncertainty – focus on the positive, the blessings, the good – the really good things that we all can list.  

Our loss doesn’t define us, yet it is part of who we are now.  But so many good things are happening even in Covid.  Let’s grab ahold of those wonderfully good things.  Let me help you just a bit by giving you a peek at a tiny part of my list. 

I’m thankful for:  family – near & far that I connect with in person but especially through use of technology,  Face Time  & Zoom calls,  a lovely new home,  selling my St. Louis house in less than a month,  dear friends that connect with me in several ways though not geographically close,  and time…………the spaciousness of time, which I have never had before – to figure things out, to sit quietly and ponder, to read books that I’ve had stacked for a long time, to try new recipes and get used to working in my new kitchen etc. etc. etc.  

Let’s try to do this – list the good and let that encourage your heart.  Then turn and battle the stressful and not so good.  

We can do this dear ones.  We really can.  We really will. . . . . . Hugs to every one of you.  Big virtual hug !!!!  

 

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I’m back. . .here’s what’s happened

Wow! I haven’t posted on Beyond Ashes since November.  That’s a long time!  Let me tell you what’s been happening. 

Remember I talked about moving?  Well, I did it.  The last few months have been grueling to say the least.  While I’ve had invaluable help from a neighbor, a mechanic friend & a few guys from church, the rest of…..well, everything……has been done by me.  Yes…………I am tired. 

Widow or not, it’s been beyond difficult & definitely overwhelming.  Even though it’s my 14th move, it is the first one done completely alone in 40 years.  So….as you can imagine, I’m physically, psychologically and emotionally spent. 

But what I want to encourage you with is this – moving is totally possible.  And don’t tell yourself that you can’t do it – YOU CAN !!!   

My advice, now that I’m on the other side is – think it through, pray about it, do your homework & then do more homework, and take help/look for help with every aspect – – – financial planning, logistics, selling stuff, hauling stuff away, buying/selling, etc. etc.  Every part as it comes along the way – pick someone’s brain.  We don’t realize it till we need it, but there are people all around us with a wealth of experience & knowledge.  I believe God places them in our life to help with all the stuff that is unknown to us.  After all, we used to be two people – two brains with knowledge – two people juggling all the details – two people which meant accountability.  So. . . . don’t be afraid, and make a list of people who can help with whatever. 

Where was I?  St. Louis.  Where am I now?  Louisville, KY.  Reason??  To be near family.  My son & family live about 15 minutes away.  My daughter & family are now only one day drive away & $150 less airfare round trip.  The irony???  This crazy Covid-19.  Yep – in addition to the trauma of moving – let’s just add a virus that has mega complicated life.  But I’m doing it.  There was a little planning ahead which helped.  I had family that brought some food initially, as well as a fabulous daughter-in-love who stocked my refrigerator & provided peanut butter etc. for me – BIG Thanks!  

This is what I want you to see.  Please don’t look at me as some sort of Superwoman.  I. Am. Not.  I want you to see that should you feel a move is the right thing to do, it is possible & you are able to get through it.  You will be afraid at times, that’s normal.  But I promise, you will make it through.  Reach out to friends at church, neighbors, colleagues – everyone in your sphere of influence.  Encouragers – look for those in your life that encourage you – the for real kind, not the kind that is just lip service.  They will help you be brave & courageous.  Not only that, but as one who has traveled this arduous journey – I Believe In You !!!!!! 

So there you have it – – – – – finally a post from me & an explanation.  I’m sure you can understand why I’ve been a little over my head for a few months.  I will try to be more faithful sharing more that ties into the grief journey – because this move has unearthed things connected to grief that I had not considered, or thought I had dealt with before.  Grief…………….doesn’t play fair.  But we can get through that too………….together.  

Peace & Blessings to all of you……………….

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Changes………To Move or Not to Move……..

Changes can be good or bad – easy or difficult.  On this grief journey, we encounter massive changes at first.  Our spouse dies and every – single – thing – changes.  It’s not easy, but we muddle through. 

Time passes and along the way we are faced with more changes.  One change may be the decision to move. . . . . .or not.

What have you done in the moving department?  Stayed in your home? Moved to a smaller place?  Moved to live closer to your children?  Or has it been a combination?  Maybe you stayed in your home for a year or so and then moved. 

I chose to stay in my home initially.  Over the years I had seen widows make big changes like moving too soon only to regret it later.  So I knew better.  It was comforting to put that decision off indefinitely.

But now I’m about 5 years in and the subject is looming large.  My home is quite big for one person and my property is challenging for me as I age.  The land is not flat.  There are steep places that make my legs unhappy.  So last year at 61, I opted for a lawn service taking over the mowing, trimming and edging.  It wasn’t easy making that decision because it meant an extra expense.  But what a burden lifted !  So this change. . .good, very good.

But back to moving. . .because I know a move is coming, I am going through the house for the third time since my husband died, getting rid of lots.  A move will require downsizing much more, but things I part with now will make it easier later on.

For now, I’m thinking things through and honestly I’m praying about it a bunch too.  Where do I want to be?  What feels right?  

You may be thinking about a move too.  Maybe not this year, but perhaps next?  You may be trying to figure out whether to stay in your area or move near family.  These are daunting decisions. So take your time……..think it through and know somewhere deep inside that it’s the right decision. 

This time next year life will most likely look very different for me and possibly for you. 

Why in the world am I writing in the blog about this?  Because it’s something every one of us will face at some point.  And because if nothing else, it’s sharing an experience with you.  Maybe, just maybe, something I share will help you.  No idea how, but you just never know.

Feel free to comment.  I would love to know what choices you are making – what change you are facing – how you have navigated a move.

Cheers to us all as we figure out this new life. 

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Overwhelmed

As I look around the house, in some places I see that time has passed.  In other places it’s as though time is standing still.

For a long while, I kept everything the same.  After my husband, Tracy, died 4 1/2 years ago, leaving it all as it was, was comforting.  So much had changed because of his death.  So much.  I couldn’t face any more.

Time is a funny thing.  In some ways it helps me move forward.  In other ways I wish I could go backward in time. 

I’ve learned so much through Tracy’s death and trying to keep living.  Many times it feels like I take 2 steps forward and one back.  I know I’m making progress, but sometimes it just seems so tough.

Each night when I go to bed, I wonder if I should set my alarm or not.  Sometimes I need to because of an appointment, but other times I could wake up whenever.

Recently though, I made the decision to schedule important items first thing in the morning.  I really do have much to accomplish each day.  So I decided to apply some structure to my life.  It’s the way I’m continuing to live.  No matter what, life does go on.  By structuring part of my day, it helps me take those steps forward. 

Often it feels like I’m in never-never land.  It’s such a strange journey.  There’s much out of my control.  There are lots of days when I feel like the world is still moving, events still happening, and I’m standing still.

Maybe the worst part is all the decisions.  Decisions about property, house and worst of all – paperwork.  At one time there were several piles of paperwork.  I filled out forms, attached death certificates and went to either the post office to send the documents, or to the UPS store to fax.

In the beginning, it was simple stuff like what to eat.  What church service do I want to go to?  And then it moved on to – what am I going to do about Thanksgiving? Christmas?  Oh dear God, I don’t want to be alone. 

Now, being this far out, it’s more the decisions about house and property.  Mowing, staining the deck, roof leak, car issues, fixing toilets, window replacements, AC issues, shoveling snow, spot seeding the lawn etc. etc.  You get the idea.

When does this all get better?  I sure wish I had an answer.  But for now, it’s a matter of dealing with things one step at a time.  God is walking with me and that helps so much.  Things seem bleak and uncertain, but I know God has a plan – and His Word says it’s good.  No matter what I face or how I feel, I choose to trust Him.  God is greatest & He knows best. 

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The Cage

Sometimes I almost feel caged or perhaps a better word would be – captive. 

This grief walk changes all the time.  Initially it’s dark, foggy and feels so impossible.  As time progresses, it feels more like a black curtain that we walk through or carry with us.  The curtain will sometimes fold in around us for awhile and we remain there till it unfolds and lets us move on. 

But recently I’m experiencing the grief differently.  It’s as though all along I have been moving forward.  And in doing so I feel a great sense of accomplishment, even peace.  But, when I least expect it – boom !  A grief ambush !  And it feels like a cage has been dropped around me.  I’m stuck !  There’s more to deal with. . . .more emotion, more thinking, more aching.  

Sometimes the cage can even feel a bit like a cocoon.  It’s not comforting, mind you, but it’s familiar.  And let’s face it.  Sometimes the grief is deep and awful.  Sometimes it tugs quite hard on the heart but we don’t crash.  There are so many facets of grief.  I laugh when I read books on grief that explain everything so definitively.  Seriously – no.  It’s not like that at all. 

It feels like a cage now to me.  I really do struggle with the captivity and feeling stuck.  I’m betting some of you who read this feel that way too. 

Oh how I wish I had a helpful solution to offer or even something I have found that helps.   But the truth seems to be that we simply wait it out.  Though we physically walk around, keep appointments and carry on normal conversation, we remain in the cage.  Perhaps we have mastered the normalcy of life while sitting in the cage. 

At this writing, I am 4 years and almost 5 months into my grief journey.  And what I can say at this point is this.  Though the sharp ambushes occur less, they are still profound.  And after talking/texting/messaging with others further down this path, I can predict that we will always deal with grief to some degree.  The black curtain is always there lurking somewhere, though less visible.  And the ambush is sure to happen. . . . . . . sometime.  When it does, the cage appears.

But I believe we get better and better – stronger and stronger.  We learn to deal with the grief, yes; but I believe God’s grace holds our hearts together and gently pushes us forward to embrace the life ahead.  

Oh how I want to have a good future !  I know you do too. 

Let’s make a vow to be brave together.  Let’s not rush through this.  Let’s vow to be stronger as well as better.  Darn it !  Grief won’t win.  We may have to allow it from time to time, but it won’t win.  Let’s not hide our scars.  They don’t define us.  They are badges of honor.  We will survive. 

                                Bravo & Cheers to each one of us……………………..

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The Fears We Face

When we lose the other half of ourselves and absolutely nothing is the same, there’s fear.  Sometimes it truly is “scaring the crap out of us” fear.  And sometimes (more often than not for me) it’s “fear of the unknown – not knowing what to do next – fear of making a poor decision alone” type of fear.

During the first year after my husband died, I did everything I could to hold onto anything I could keep the same.  Not only is that a healthy thing to do, it’s the logical thing in light of such great loss.

But as each year rolls by, there are moments, sometimes pockets or seasons of time, that cause me to retreat to my favorite chair and crumble.  I have to let it all out and pray it through.  Most of the time I get up out of the chair and feel better by some measure.  Other times I my feel less burdened, but as I rise out of my chair, I simply take one step at a time and do so fearful and overwhelmed.  Somewhere along the way, the fear eases and things level out again. 

This blog entry isn’t designed to make you feel better or provide some magical solution.  What I AM doing is being honest and transparent with you.  I want you to see I don’t have it all together. I want you to know that all you feel and deal with is normal.  All of it.  EVERY. SINGLE. THOUGHT. AND. EMOTION.

Every one of us muddles through in our own way.  I like that we can do this, this way.  I once was told that as long as it’s not immoral or illegal, you can grieve any way you want.  Good advice. 

A large part of what gets me through is sitting in my chair and praying.  Another huge piece to my puzzle is resoundingly awesome friends who support me no matter what.  And it’s, of course, my faith that holds me together.  Faith is an anchor, not a crutch.

So while I’m feeling so uncertain about things today and most definitely uncertain about the future and the big decisions I will be facing in the next few years, I know it will all be possible and ultimately it will all be OK.  With my faith, my friends, my chair and prayer, I will keep getting stronger.  And however you choose to roll, you will too.

Peace & Blessings

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No Energy, Zero Motivation……………..A Gift??

Do you have some days where you are running low on energy, but others when it seems ok?  Yeah – me too.  And after over 4 years, I have – after ruling out normal reasons – come to the conclusion that it’s a part of grief.

On dark, cloudy days, I totally get why I feel like a slug.  But days like today – bright, sun-shiny, beautiful – it makes no sense.

In the first year and a bit beyond, I could see the truth in the saying that grief is exhausting.  There were days and parts of days where my broken heart expressed itself by floods of tears.  And I remembered the scripture that says God keeps all our tears in a bottle.  Then, as now, I wonder how big my bottle is or how many bottles are assigned to me.

But as I sit here, my eyes tear up as I feel this lack of energy and motivation.  So much to do – I want to move – but I sit here sipping coffee in my robe at 9:45 am.  It’s a holiday – so while this is not my usual routine, it’s ok.  And I promise, once I finish writing this, I will move these bones.

I’m trying to embrace these static moments as a gift.  Too many run in terror from the stilling of motion and solitary minutes.  But the rest of life is overfull.  So I’m trying to take deep breaths, enjoy the comfort of my coffee, and be still.

When I’m not fighting the push of energy and to-do lists, I notice the woods behind my house.  I reflect on the blessing of children and grandchildren.  I think about my life – how far I’ve come since Tracy died, and possibilities for the future.  And I look around my home as if seeing it after being gone for a long time.  I love my home and the things in it.  But how often do I look around, drink in the sight of it and smile?  Almost never.

This energy thing – if you are experiencing this motion stopping lack of motivation, you are not alone.  It may take some time but try to accept it as a sort of gift.  If tears flow and your heart breaks, let them flow – feel the break.  And know this – you will never have to cry those exact tears again.  In God’s grace, we feel this grief and cry through things one small part at a time.  Otherwise this pain would kill us.

So here’s to permission to be ok with energy lacking, zero motivation times.  Join me in trying to embrace the stillness.  Join me in appreciating the segments of the day when time stops.  Maybe you and I need to take these times, not looking back or ahead.  Perhaps the real gift is to take note of the present – – – – this very moment.

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How Do I Know???

Isn’t this the question we ask about everything?  When our spouse dies, life gets thrown up in the air.  And we who are left behind struggle to put it all back together.

How do I know how long to wear my ring(s)?

How do I know if I should stay in my home or sell & move?

How do I know what to keep and what to let go of?

How do I know if I’m making the right decision about – – – the vehicles, the property, the job, the paperwork/forms, friendships, finances, church…….

It can crash in – feel overwhelming.  It can cause a cascade of grief deeper & longer lasting than you expected.

What I want you to know is – – – feeling this way is completely normal.   And – you will get through it !!

We sometimes feel “less than” when confronted with such a different paradigm.  But the truth is – – – we are not “less than”.  We are strong and we are walkin’ this thing.  We never knew how strong we were till we HAD to be stronger than we EVER imagined.  Strong through tears, through decisions, through fire & rain.

So hang in there dear one.  Better days are coming.  And when you look back, you will smile, knowing you actually did it.  Yes…………….yes, you really did.

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The Dreaded V-Day

Yeah – Valentine’s Day

Well, here it is again…………………..Valentine’s Day.  For those who have lost a spouse, it’s simply NOT a happy day.  As a widow, I totally get that.  It’s almost 4 years down this grief road for me and it’s still kind of a yucky day.  I think at this point I have tried to focus my love on my kids and grandkids. The rest – I really do try to ignore…………….it’s just too much.  And quite honestly, it was never a huge holiday for my husband & me. We felt like it put undue pressure on folk to do something/spend $$.  We always felt if you loved someone, you showed it throughout the year. That person should always know you love them. You honor them as you take time to nurture that relationship, whether in big or small ways every year. OK – done beating that horse.

A New Thought This Year

This isn’t really an original thought I’m about to share.  It is, however, right in line with all the gratitude stuff written about in books, articles and blogs. For me, I saw it in a morning devotional.  The concept made me stop and really look at this day differently.

Being Thankful/Grateful

So the whole idea is that in the midst of this giant hole in our lives, we choose to list out several things that we are grateful for – I mean REALLY grateful for. Depending on where you are in the grief journey, this will be an easier task one time and tough at other times.  Please understand that I am still in a very difficult place grief wise – the stupid thing comes and goes.  I hate it !    But – in my Valentine’s pain, I was able to see this morning that I was truly blessed.  And so, as I began the day, I listed a few things I am truly grateful for.  I was reminded that there are so many people that do not have what I have, on many levels. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it makes my existence this Valentine’s Day better. I’m going to choose to focus on the gratitude, not the emptiness.

My List

This is what I am grateful for.  Perhaps it will help you think of some things or people that you are grateful for too.

1 – Wonderful children and grandchildren

2- 4 very good friends that I begged God for – for so many years.

3 – a beautiful home & good car

4 – pretty good health

5 – my calling & booklet/ministry

The Prayer

I simply prayed that I would not miss the delight & joy in the things that ARE while focusing on what IS NOT.  Sometimes the grief takes over – that’s going to happen.  We can’t stop it.  But the rest of the time, we can be thankful for the blessings right in front of us.  Maybe this is a good way to move forward ?? For me I think it is.  And however this works for you, I hope it will help you move forward too.

 

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Grief 101 for Non-Grievers

Grief and Loss

While the Guide is not a grief booklet, grief & loss are the subjects at hand.

There’s an over abundance of books on grief.  Honestly most of them aren’t that helpful.  For example, the ones giving a definitive list of grief stages and the order of each stage. Not real – not helpful.

Grief is different for everyone.  You may or may not go through every single stage. And clearly, there’s no order whatsoever. The best advice I received     was – As long as it’s not illegal or immoral, you can grieve however you want.

So let’s talk about the elephant in the room. I don’t mean the death.  I DO mean what everyone else is trying to figure out when responding. People don’t know what to say, so sometimes they say the strangest things.  Someone needs to put all the funny comments & stories in a book.  Hilarious!!!!

So here’s some simple things to remember from one who has been there.  Some I learned from my experience of loss and others I learned from a variety of sources along the way.

  • Always OK & preferred to say, “I’m so sorry.”
  • No cliches – no matter how true.
  • Meet the person where they are. Allow them to be real. It’s not your job to cheer them up.
  • Know that grief is emotional, yes – but also psychological and physical.
  • Death grief is different than divorce grief.  Both are awful – but not the same.
  • Practice the ministry of presence – be there – stop talking – listen.
  • OK to talk about the deceased loved one.  Stories, reminiscing. . . acknowledging the impact of a life. This way the person lives on.

Of course there’s lots more, but you get the general idea.  You don’t need to fix it because quite honestly, there’s no fixing.  So take a deep breath, say a prayer and remember the points I just made.  You will be fine.  The fact that you showed up is huge – much bigger than you will every know. . .well, unless you end up the bereaved spouse one day.  And then you will totally “get it.”