Grief pain . . . . 3 years and almost 4 months (but who’s counting?) – and something associated with the grief opens a hole in my heart and I am crying in the bathroom. . . again. What the heck?
Those of us who have had a devastating loss can, I’m sure, relate. It’s not the same grief from the 1st year. That, of course, is beyond description. No – this is something that grabs your heart because this (whatever) would not be happening except for the loss. So it’s a different sort of grief, I guess. My previous description stands. Pain associated with grief. I hate this so much !!!
Honestly, there has been a lot of healing that’s taken place. I have, like all of us, been moving forward. Never forgetting, but indeed living. Living in the presence of grief and yet reclaiming some joy.
So I say again – what the heck? I had a painful conversation with God as I cried my way through the morning shower. I did feel His presence and I did feel a measure of comfort. But what I ended up doing was pulling myself together and asking God a final question. I didn’t exactly get an answer then, but later in the day, I think maybe I did.
This day was declared – Be nice to Debbie day. No one else needed to be nice, but I was going to do some joyful things – things that make me smile.
First on the list – go get nails done. And – for the first time – let’s do an accent nail on each hand. God seemed to agree with the fun because the nail tech and owner of the salon said no charge today. Hmmmm – where did that come from?
Next was lunch at a sports bar. Yummy food while talking to the owner about bringing a group for dinner Friday night and reserving a table. Turns out this is where I got my answer from God, or at least part of an answer.
The owner asked me about the group. I explained we are an adult singles group from church. All different categories – widowed, divorced, never married. I told him I was a widow 3+ years. He only heard one word – widow. Suddenly there was no other person in the restaurant but me. You see, his Mom lost her husband a year ago and isn’t doing very well with it. We talked. . . . a lot. His mom is only 3 years older than me and we have lots in common. He shared the pain of losing his step-Dad, whom he loved, and the pain of watching his Mom go through this, not knowing what to do. There’s no way he can understand, of course, because he hasn’t been through it. So here we are, sitting in a sports bar as he pours out his pain which completely fills the booth. After talking things through, I gave him my info, the booklet and told him it’s ok to connect me with his Mom. Then he connects to me on Facebook and gets the Beyond Ashes website address. When he gets up, some of his pain is gone. Will I ever get to connect with his Mom? I don’t know. But here’s the deal – my eyes were opened to my pain.
This was my final question to God this morning. “Are You allowing me to continue feeling pain so I won’t forget? Is this so I can truly minister to and help others going through grief?” Yes – I think it just might be. Today, even in the middle of my painful day, God gave me a chance to make a difference in someone else’s life. Am I happy about the pain? Of course not !!!! But I see that God can redeem anything even pain. And I know He doesn’t waste anything.
Am I still going to complain about pain associated with grief as it crashes into my life? Absolutely !!!!!! Who wouldn’t??? But – at least from here on out I know it may have an ultimate purpose. I’ll never get tired of watching pain and grief melt away from a hurting soul. It’s an extraordinary thing to witness and know you played a part in the healing.