Tell Me Your Story
Starting Another Year……….Alone
So I’m starting another year alone………………you too? Not the greatest is it? But here we are. And so while I don’t have profound words of wisdom, I’ll share how I’m processing this and maybe it will help you – or it might give you an idea on how you can process your own grief journey starting another year.
New Years Eve was a little better for me, thanks to a dear widow friend who invited me to have dinner at a local restaurant with some other widow friends of mine. I affectionately call them my widow gang. The distraction of chatting about whatever and laughing at various things, was definitely a help. Then we went to one of their homes and watched a movie. Of course after that, I went home – alone. But by then I just really wanted to be by myself.
I wasted time watching tv and then went to bed to read. It was a new book and I confess I got so invested in it that I read till almost midnight. Midnight – I heard the fireworks in the neighborhood and realized………..the new year had begun, no matter what. Isn’t it interesting how part of our life stops, but the rest of the world keeps going on…….and on……..and on??
New Years Day started out pretty sad, so I enjoyed an extra cup of coffee and staying in my PJs. But the sadness eased as I headed into the day. I baked a new bread recipe and got my black eyed peas going in the small crockpot. Then late afternoon, I put together a new yellow squash recipe – – – spoiler alert – it’s a keeper & can be easily doubled etc. Yay!
Also in retrospect, the passing of the the year and start of the next may have affected me a bit more because I was seriously tired and recovering from driving 600 miles the day before.
But the ending & beginning bothered me more this year, I think, because I couldn’t sense a “word” or a specific focus/direction from God. At the end of each year, I pray and look for not a resolution, but a direction – a reset – that sort of thing. This year – I only came up with a couple things. They may not sound profound or imaginative, but for the moment, I think it suits me.
So for this year, 2024, I’m a student – taking masters classes at a local seminary. In addition – I’m praying a couple things – may God order my steps and above all – may God heal my heart. I continue to walk through this life with a broken heart. And before any other Christians out there try to counsel me – It really is well with my soul – – – – – it’s just not great with my heart. After talking this over with a very dear friend who lost her husband 3 months before me – 10 years ago – we are experiencing the same thing. Nothing is affecting our faith – we still have joy in the Lord – but our heart seems to be permanently shattered. Who knows – maybe it has to do with the 10 year mark…….honestly friends………I have no idea. I’m as clueless as the rest of you.
Through every year, God has proved faithful. I know He will continue to be faithful. My faith is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name. On Christ the solid rock I stand – all other ground is sinking sand.
I pray that God will grant each one of us comfort, peace and healing.
Lamenting…………and a Book Suggestion
Psalm 10 – Psalm 77 – Psalm 13
Lament…………………..do you know about lament?
I really didn’t understand what was meant by lament – at least not for a Christian. Lament according to Webster is the expression of sorrow – the mourning, wailing, crying loudly. But for the Christian, the definition is a bit different.
Here’s where I suggest a very good book on Christian lament. The title? Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop. It’s been an very eye-opening book for me. Let me try to explain why.
The past 2+ years I have been experiencing a different kind of grief – or maybe it would be more accurate to say a different season of grief that now I think is really lament.
The book explains lament way better than I could, so I will use short excerpts from the book.
“Lament is a prayer in pain that leads to trust.”
Lament “usually includes 4 key elements: (1) an address to God, (2) a complaint, (3) a request, and (4) an expression of trust and/or praise.”
“Lament is the honest cry of hurting heart wrestling with the paradox of pain and the promise of God’s goodness.”
So you see, it is different than melting into a bucket of tears, which is what happens to us especially for the first few years………but we all know that this pops up as time goes on. We all know we don’t “get over” grief or completely heal this side of heaven. But, the lion’s share of this happens early. Just an aside – I believe this is God’s grace. How can I say that? I believe if God allowed us to feel the full weight of the pain of grief in the first week or so that we would actually die. I don’t believe our human frame could take it. And so, God allows the buckets for awhile, but then they are more manageable containers. We are able to cry it through, and work through that moment, or that hour, or that difficult day or night. God’s grace. It’s a way He shows His love for us & His compassion.
Back to lament………..so maybe the best way to help you is to be transparent about my lamenting over the recent past, and is still very much present.
It is me asking hard questions that stem from watching others widowed find their second chapter or it might be watching the frightening spiral of culture, our country etc. etc. and realizing I may walk this darkness alone till He returns. And yes – I know I’m not alone when I have God/Jesus/Holy Spirit. Truly, they are the only thing that holds me together sometimes. Dark – it’s so dark, and getting darker by the day.
It’s me wrestling with the “paradox of pain and the promise of God’s goodness.” It’s a word I learned recently. Theodicy. Defense of God’s goodness and omnipotence in view of the existence of evil (Webster)
It’s asking God where my restoration is, when will the intense pain stop, how long Lord? Then when I’m deep in the weeds with this, I think of others whose suffering is physical and unending, and I wonder if I have a leg to stand on in my lament to God. In the end, I believe we all go through crucibles of our own, whether physical or emotional or spiritual. And as Christians, the difference for us is the Rock on which we stand. I must remember that while my feelings are very real, they are often not true. So how can I know??
How we know our feelings aren’t true is to line them up with the Truth of scripture. We don’t have our own truth – there is only one Truth. Our pain, whatever it is, doesn’t get the final word – God does.
The Psalms are so encouraging to me. I believed that’s why it’s the “go to” scripture for anyone experiencing a tough emotion. David lays it all out – over & over again. I love that about him. God had him do that for our benefit. David was a man after God’s own heart, but he still struggled with pain, with theodicy.
Am I rolling out of this lament ? The simple answer is no. I do, however, see God teaching me things. And I know from walking with the Lord for lots of years, He’s got a purpose in my pain. I also know that He loves when I praise Him even when I’m crying and asking questions. I love that about Him. He is my heavenly Father and I can come to Him messy & broken. Good thing, because I am………….alot these days. You too?
Be encouraged friend. Go to the Psalms I listed at the beginning of this post. That’s a great starting point. Keep talking to God. Bring Him your questions, your pain. Ask Him to teach you things through this. Trust Him. Praise Him. Watch what He does. Friend, He is our solid Rock. Everything else is sinking sand. This pain isn’t for nothing. God doesn’t waste anything. Hold onto hope. Hold onto the Savior. Lament it out dear friends…………….
Sending you hugs……………………Peace & Blessings…………
Catching up and Questions
It’s been terribly long since I wrote on the blog. So please accept my apology.
To be honest, I’ve been mulling over whether I need to keep writing here, if it’s helpful for anyone, or if I should just give it up. I’m not the most tech savvy person and my site isn’t very modern or as current as others. Also – for quite awhile, writing seemed to be what I was supposed to do. I’m reevaluating that lately. I do enjoy the writing, but trying to assess if it should be a priority.
So maybe you can help me with this. Do you like the content here? Would you like to see more about my grief journey or grief in general? If there are topics or ideas you would like to see me write about, comment and let me know.
We all know grief is such an odd journey. I just passed the 8 year mark. I can’t wrap my head around that length of time. In some ways it doesn’t seem that long ago, but when I look at all that has happened since my husband passed, it makes sense that it’s that long. Sounds a bit circular in thinking, but then, grief is sorta like that, isn’t it?
To catch you up on what I’ve been doing. In 2021 I took an ACBC Biblical Counseling Course at my church. Deep stuff, but so good. Since January 2022, I’ve been putting together a Grief Support Binder – my personal resource when meeting with a widow. It’s all sorts of information on a variety of topics with applicable scriptures etc. No one but me will really be seeing this, but I need something where all the stuff I’ve learned, both in class and in life, is located. My husband would call it my Dash One – which is what they called the enormous binder for each aircraft in the Air Force. It’s a small b bible for that plane. My GSB is my Dash One.
Oddly enough, but perfectly logical in God’s economy, God continues to bring widows to me in various ways, giving me the opportunity to listen, understand and with whom to share my journey. It’s such a privilege. And so – this is where I believe God is calling me – – – – to walk along side other widows. This is an awesome responsibility and calling. The more I learn, the more I feel inadequate to the task. But God has other ideas. He used so many unqualified people in the Bible to accomplish His will. Maybe I’m just another one of those unqualified, but willing & obedient folk.
Thank you for being part of this inconsistent blog of my journey. Doing this was not what I had originally meant to do – the blog portion just came with the set up of the website, so I went with it.
I’m honored that you would take time to read my ramblings. I’m honored to share my imperfect journey. Let me know what you think.
Peace & Blessings…………………………………………..
When The Bough Really Does Break
The last 4 1/2 weeks or so have been crushing. I didn’t fully understand the cumulative impact until this past Thursday. And – because you will at some point encounter cumulative grief, I want to share my experience of the bough breaking. If you have already experienced this, be on the lookout for it happening again in your own life, certainly, but pay attention to those around you who have not experienced it yet. If it’s possible, be there for them.
My breaking bough happened this past Wednesday night after my counseling class. But before I explain what happened, here’s the timeline leading to that.
On August 7th, I lost a dear woman that I used to sing with in choir and do bible study with in my former church in Missouri. It was really difficult and heartbreaking that I could not travel back for the funeral. The next one was particularly crushing. #1
On August 17th, I lost my best friend in the Air Force, a fellow Command Spouse, and heart of my heart in so many ways. She was 4 years younger than me. Oh – cancer, you are just so awful. This one was and is very painful. Sometimes it simply doesn’t seem real. And yet – I was there for the visitation, the funeral, and the aftermath with the widower. Heavy………..oh, so heavy. #2
Then September 6th, I lost a sweet gentleman that I used to sing with in choir and ensembles at my former church in Missouri. UGH!! Another choir member………….. My heart broke and I grieved that loss……#3
September 7th, the husband of a co-worker at Altus AFB Chapel died from Covid. He was a squadron member back when we were stationed in Altus. 53 Yeah………53. #4
4. . . .count them, 4. But that isn’t all that was happening.
Afghanistan happened. The mismanaged withdrawal happened. Leaving Americans happened. Loss of 13 servicemen happened. Memories from the past 20 years……………….knowing they all/ we all made a difference……… but I’m upset and angry over how this has been executed. It’s a different kind of grief….but grief nonetheless. And pre-grief – – for what this is setting in motion – terrorist events yet to be.
Finally, there’s my biblical counseling class on Wednesday nights. The section we have been covering is on marriage. Honestly, for the most part it has been ok. I’ve looked at it academically and keyed in on pivotal verses from scripture that not only show us how we are to live as husbands & wives, but as believers – Christ followers. This past Wednesday night was the final module in the section.
There was not specific trigger. Nothing in particular was hard to hear. But I believe the cumulative pile of grief was pushed over the edge with all the marriage do’s & don’ts talk. About 3/4 through the class I felt it coming. Eyes began to tear and the pain in my chest was becoming unbearable. The bough was about to break.
No, I told God. Not here, not now. Lord, help me hold it together till I can get out of here. And He did. God is so faithful. He continues to rescue me from tangible as well as intangible.
I made it to my car and then water started flowing out of my eyes. My heart felt physical pain. I was feeling crushed – completely crushed. I drove all the way home………crying. And it continued for awhile. The bough broke.
Sleep didn’t come easy, even though the crying had stopped. I wasn’t depressed. My heart hurt and felt heavy. Reading wasn’t easy either. And I didn’t want to watch tv. So I laid there and prayed, I poured out my heart to God and cried a bit more. I’ve learned that in the arms of Jesus is the only truly safe place I can do this. It is the only place I feel comfort. He is my strong tower and I run to Him. He would walk me through this intense grief and bring me out on the other side. I’ve walked this before with Him. I knew He was the only unchanging, faithful One who could get me through.
And He did. I finally fell asleep and woke up at my regular time without the alarm. A short night. I thought to myself, I will need to catch a power nap today. But you know what? I didn’t. My heart wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t heavy anymore. My thoughts were clearer and I was again walking in strength and confidence.
This blog isn’t Christian faith focused, but I’m making an exception in this post. My faith is the reason I have not only survived, but moved forward better than I ever thought possible. My faith is the foundation upon which I stand. And – statistics prove that a person of any kind of faith, meets life’s challenges & tragedies better than one with no faith, no hope. I have faith. I have hope – a know-so hope, not a hope-so hope.
I’m not talking religion. There are those who try to put me in a box and say I am “religious”. I’m not religious, I’m faithful. I have a relationship, not a religion. The denomination where I attend is not the denomination I have always attended. I’m a Christ-follower. I adhere, for the most part, to a schedule for worship and participating at my church, but I’m not there every time they open the door. I’m not checking off to-do boxes, I’m participating in corporate worship, private worship, and ministering to the body of Christ. It is a lifestyle of faith.
Why am I pointing this out? Because I fully believe that when the bough broke Wednesday night, it was God’s grace. He knew I needed a safety valve to open and vent off the overwhelming sadness and pain that was captured inside me. Grief is work, and this was some work I needed to do. The tears I cried are tears I won’t have to cry again. The tears of the future are different. Their healing part is yet to happen.
In addition, I want you to understand that on this side, I am thankful for the crushing break of the bough Wednesday night. I want you to see that terrible pain can lead to wonderful healing and greater insight. I believe it also gives you what you need not just for today, but for your future breaking boughs. And – – – it puts you in a position to help someone you see whose bough is breaking. You have credibility because you have been through it. God doesn’t waste anything………….the comfort you have been given is to be passed on. (2 Corinthians 1)
Take heart dear one. You are not alone in the bough breaking moment. If you have never reached out to the One who died for you, I encourage you to do it. Give Jesus a chance. In this life, He is the only One who will never, ever change and who will always & forever walk this with you.
Peace & Blessings
The Sting of Death. . . .
I Corinthians 15:55 O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?
I Thessalonians 4:13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.
Lately, I have been thinking about the phrase – the sting of death.
Every one of us who has experienced loss knows the pain and sorrow that death brings. It hurts – well, to be honest………..it more than hurts…….it’s a pain so deep & awful that it defies words.
But I keep coming back to the phrase – the sting of death. It’s sticking with me. It’s important and I need to know why the sting is gone.
It comes from the scripture noted above. It is part of chapter 15 which outlines and explains that Christ died for our sins, and by dying once for all, abolished death. Verse 54 says – death is swallowed up in victory. Death is crushed.
Christ conquered sin & death on the cross. So for Christians, death isn’t final or ultimate. Yes – they are gone. . .my husband is gone. . . from this physical world. But our parting is temporary. I will see him again. He is still very much alive – – just not here.
And so even though death is still a part of us living here on planet earth, the sting is gone for us who are believers.
Please understand – – we are definitely hurting! The sting is gone, but death hurts!
However – – – – – I do not grieve as one who does not have hope.
Hope – oh yes – Hope.
Hope in Jesus. Hope in the Lord, my rock (Psalm 18:2). Hope because we will all be reunited (I Thessalonians 4:13-18).
This is why I’m writing this for you. Hope. The sting is gone.
We still sorrow…………we still cry………..we still mourn………but we know it’s not the end. It’s temporary for those of us who have accepted Christ as Savior.
I can hear some of you question – you’re not sure your loved ones accepted Christ before death. But we don’t know for certain that they didn’t. Only God knows the hearts of men/women. “for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (I Samuel 16:7)
The sting……………gone. We grieve…………….with hope.
My heart is heavy but I sing hallelujah. God gets the final word – not death.
I hope this encourages you as you walk your grief journey. You are not alone. God walks it with you. I’m walking it too.
Peace & Blessings. . . . .
Dreaming
Do you dream about your loved one? Lots or not often?
Let me start this off by telling you that no matter your experience, it’s normal. There is no “right or wrong”.
My experience – not often. Matter of fact, over the last 7 years I have seen Tracy in a dream, maybe 5 or 6 times. Only one dream was significant in it’s content. The rest I was watching him from the side either working on a project or sitting there working on something on paper – planning it out, measuring, constructing it.
However, I have a dear friend who lost her husband and dreamed about him every night for a long time. Now, a little over 7 years later, she dreams about him, but not as often.
I’ve done some casual research on this. It seems that both ways are how it rolls for folks. Either we dream of them lots or not often. It doesn’t seem to matter if the marriage was long or somewhat shorter. I don’t believe it is indicative of the depth of love either. It just seems to be a thing – it is how it is.
So how does it roll for you? Please comment and let me know. What’s your experience? Do you dream of your loved one that you lost? And how long ago did you experience your loss? I would love to hear from you.
In closing, let me share with you the last time I dreamt of my Tracy. It was just before waking on Easter morning – yes, that was yesterday. It was very brief, but I was so very glad to see him at the beginning of that special day. I was watching him from a few feet away. He was deeply engrossed in something on paper. This was a normal thing for him when he was drawing, writing down measurements and making a list to the side of building supplies. He never looked up (darn), but I saw him clearly. A view of him that I used to see and now don’t. Yes, it pressed on my heart, but it also made me smile.
Even though I don’t dream of him often, I’m glad I still do occasionally. It’s comforting to see him, even if it’s just a dream. And I know I will see him again someday. But for now I dream.
I hope your dreams make you smile too, even through the heartache. I choose to look at the dreams as a gift. I hope you do too.
Peace & Blessings to you
The Deathiversary
Deathiversary
Believe it or not, that is truly a word. I promise – not a joke. It’s in the Urban Dictionary online. Yeah…………..I did go looking for it. Actually, I was just looking for a word besides anniversary – or death day. Not sure I’ll stick with this one, but it struck me as a good one to use for this post. So humor me – ok?
Yesterday. 4/1/2021 My husband Tracy’s deathiversary. 7 years. Wow…….I can’t believe it’s been 7 years. In my heart and head I do feel like it’s more than a year – but 7 years? Seriously? (SMH)
Every year is different. Some have been worse than others. Some have been full and easier to take than others. Last year, 2020, well – you can imagine how awful that was. Not the whole day, mind you, but a significant part for sure. Everything was shut down so I couldn’t really go much of anywhere, and somehow going to the grocery store wasn’t at the top of my fun list.
Yesterday was quite good till I went to bed. And then the weight of the day crashed in. I’m pretty sure many of you have had this happen. While I do understand the reason behind last night’s sob fest, what I don’t understand is when the wave crashes unexpectedly with no trigger. But that’s probably a subject for another post. For now – I will focus on the deathiversary smash.
I had spent a little time reading, turned out the light and began my prayer like always. The thing is, I got a bit stuck thanking God for the day. I was truly thankful for the day, but somehow the day itself was connected with a day of pain beyond explanation 7 years ago. The only way I could get through it to the other side was to talk it through with God. There was heartbroken honesty and some questions asked. How thankful I am that God listens and understands. In scripture He is called the God of all comfort. It’s true. Do my questions get answered ? No, and probably not this side of heaven. Does it really solve anything? No – but something does happen. I think it’s that I feel validated, listened-to, understood. And that does make a difference. In the end, I believe it’s simply needful to talk it out. Holding it in makes the torture go on and on. But speaking it out loud, or at a sobbing whisper, means something. It’s not dangling out there in the air, it has made it non-stop to the throne of grace. And through the unbroken connection between the throne & me, love pours through. The listening part is what helps the most I think. I’m sure God is thinking, ‘here she’s comes again with the grief wave’. But He listens anyway.
And don’t we do that with our children? We want them to come to us a gazillion times with their heartaches. We listen. We understand that what they are going through is hard and sometimes not fair. We hold them, we hug them, we comfort them. Well – that’s what God does. He listens. He holds me. He hugs me. He comforts me. And finally at long last, I sleep.
Truth be told, my face feels swollen in the morning & I’m running low on my sleep meter. But I feel like some of the toxic grief has left me and I can begin a new day. Technically the first day of the 8th year. Yikes………….ok I need to land this plane or I’m going to feel discouraged again.
So how do you handle your deathiversary? Have you had ups and downs? Have you experienced God’s amazing grace, listening and comfort? Tell me about it. It doesn’t matter how long for you – the deathiversary comes every year. 1, 4, 7, 15 +. Talk to me. How did you deal with the last one? How are you going to deal with the one coming up?
No matter your loss – No matter how fresh or how long, my heart is with you. I’m listening, giving a virtual hug and sharing a word of encouragement. Here’s something that resonates with me. . . . . .
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
That’s the God who listens and esteems our tears greatly. I pray it blesses you to know that.
Peace & Blessings
The Why Questions
Have you ever looked into the night sky and asked questions? Better yet – did you get any answers?
I bet not.
Many times I’ve looked at the stars and wondered many things. I have wished my husband could just send a message. I’ve wished God could give me some sort of explanation.
But there was nothing but silence.
It seems to be a common theme with those who have experienced loss. We all have questions. And it doesn’t matter if our loss was sudden or dragged out with some awful thing like cancer.
The number one question is usually – – – – WHY…………
Why did they have to die? Why did they die so young? Why couldn’t the doctors find the tumors earlier? Why wasn’t there time to say good bye? Why was there such pain and suffering? Why am I left alone?
So many whys………………
When I first asked my Whys, I would eventually get so exhausted that I gave up. As time went on and I gained strength, the Whys continued, but the direction changed. I went to the Source – the only place I felt I could find an answer. I went to God and His word.
There is a lot of suffering in the bible. Men and women lost people they loved to illness, war and suicide. I’m sure they asked Why too.
One man is recorded in scripture asking Why and with good reason. His name is Job. Most people have heard of him and his troubles.
His losses just would. not. stop.
He lost all his oxen and servants while they were in the field. Then fire fell from heaven killing all his sheep and the servants tending them. At the same time, enemies of Job came and stole his camels and killed those servants. He lost all his sons and daughters because a mighty wind struck the house where they were gathered and it collapsed.
But it didn’t end there.
He had lost possessions and his whole family except his wife. But there was more to lose. He lost his health. All of a sudden terrible boils appeared all over his body. They were everywhere from the top of his head to the bottoms of his feet. They were terribly painful. He tried to relieve the suffering by scraping himself with a piece of pottery while sitting among the ashes. I can’t imagine how awful that was! Job knew sadness upon sadness as well as physical pain. He was suffering and I’m sure asking Why.
To make matters worse, his wife turned her back on God and gave Job some terrible advice. She said, “Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!”
Thankfully Job did not go along with her suggestion. He knew she was being foolish.
Still, Job was stuck in this situation for a long time. He had some friends who tried to figure out the cause of Job’s hurting, but they were no help.
Job asks Why. He cries out to God. He feels forgotten.
In our deep grief. . . .in our loss that has devastated our world, we can feel forgotten too. It’s a natural way to feel. The good news is, God is big enough to handle our deep emotions and our begging question – Why?
I like this story of Job because though it’s a heart wrenching story, it has a fantastic ending. By the way – go read the great ending – it’s Job 42: 10-17. The last chapters of Job show us something about wanting answers to unanswerable questions.
God does answer Job after he has poured his heart out completely. It is in God’s answer and Job’s response that I find help for my Whys.
God clearly shows who He is and His authority. Job gets it. He realizes that he was asking for answers he could never understand. He saw that God in His sovereignty, His ultimate power and majesty, was too wonderful and amazing for a mere human to comprehend.
I wish I was the one who had come up with this, but it’s actually a statement I heard from the popular Christian singer, Danny Gokey. He said, “God doesn’t answer Job’s questions, He gives him perspective.”
That’s so rich. And it resonates with me.
Do I still ask Why? Yes ! It’s ok to ask our Whys. God is there to listen and comfort. He knows we see this in an earthly and personal way. But now I can open my hand and let my tears flow. God has a totally different perspective. All I see is right here. God sees everything – past, present and future. So I trust Him.
Friend, I know it’s not easy to do. You won’t suddenly be ok with your Whys. You will continue to have questions. But over time, perhaps knowing God has the only perfect perspective, you can open your hand as you cry saying, “OK God, I don’t like it and I don’t understand, but I trust You.”
May we all find peace as we bring God our Whys, then move forward with trust.
Peace & Blessings to us all…………………………………….
A Garage Tale
The garage was most definitely my husband’s domain. All I had done, for the most part, was park there.
As you know if you’ve read my posts, my husband, Tracy, died in 2014. Then the garage saw much more of me because I had to do “Tracy” things. And, I spent lots more time there as I cleaned it out in preparation for my move this past March. But that certainly wasn’t much fun.
When we lose a spouse, we take on more responsibilities on our property. If you are a guy, it might mean housekeeping duties and some cooking. If you are a lady, it could mean lawn stuff and garage stuff.
I’m sure you can understand why spending time in the garage isn’t high on my list of cool things to do. But – the last few days have been different.
Since moving, I had not settled the garage things because I needed a work bench to store items. A few days ago it started coming together and it put a big smile on my face.
I found a work bench on sale and my neighbor helped me put it together a couple Saturday’s ago. My smile got bigger as I saw my vision of a workspace come to life.
Next, my neighbor put together a shelf and pegboard above the work bench. Boy did it look awesome! I couldn’t wait to unpack bins and boxes now there was a beautiful place with a spot for everything.
The next day I bought small storage bins and various hooks for the pegboard. I put on some music and began organizing and setting up the whole area. It was so much fun that I lost track of time. Why was I feeling so hungry? I laughed at myself and went inside for some food.
For a couple more days I sorted through screws, nails, nuts and washers. I found quite a few things I’m sure only my husband knew what to do with for sure. But going through it all held a strong connection to Tracy. And that was a very good feeling.
I found a great light to install under the shelf and over the workspace. My neighbor installed it for me and presto – so much light! Yes, I was grinning from ear to ear. Taking a few steps back to look at this new workspace thrilled me. This is MY space, My very own work bench area. I’m excited. In my new garage I have found joy after so much sadness.
Would my husband like it? Approve? Well . . . while I’m sure he would tweak it or move a few things around, yes – I think he would approve.
I’m physically tired, but my heart is energized.
There is something great about stepping out on your own and doing something that was squarely in your spouse’s lane, that is so fulfilling. I’m proud I was able to make it all come together.
How about you? What have you done that is not typically in your lane? Have you felt like I did?
Whatever you’ve conquered/done by yourself – – – Congratulations !!!!! (balloons – confetti – noisemakers)
I KNOW how hard it is to move forward & do something that’s NOT in your wheelhouse. So hard.
But you did it !!! I did it !!! We did it !!!
This journey is beyond difficult. Others have no idea how truly tough it is. But we know & can celebrate each other.
So bask in the moment. We totally rock!!
Peace & Blessings………………………and Joy !
Holidays & Heart Aerobics & Hope
Well here we are…………….smack dab in the middle of holiday everything.
Every year is different – don’t you think? I mean, after losing someone loved so dearly, the first year sucks……………..it just does. And because it is squarely your personal rodeo, I don’t feel it’s right to give advice exactly. All I think I can do is offer what I did my first year. Don’t misunderstand…….it still sucked, but because I did it the way I felt was good for me, it wasn’t all terrible.
What I did was decide that for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I had to be with one or both of my kids. My kids showered me with love those two holidays. Thanksgiving was wonderful surrounded by all of them. Christmas was wonderful too, being with one of them. Since the holidays were going to be different for me after my husband’s death, it made perfect sense to tag along and be part of whatever my kids wanted to do. They were sensitive & kind – it was still tough on my heart, but I made it through the best I could.
And ultimately friend, that is my heartfelt advice to you. No matter what year this is for you, it’s your rodeo. Take a few minutes and think about how you want to experience the holiday. What is your comfort level? What do you absolutely NOT want to do? Don’t let anyone push you into doing anything that hurts too much or just plain feels wrong. Then let your people know what will be good this year……………most especially if it’s the first. Although, once you establish the base line, the following years will kind of roll how you want since you’ve spoken your wishes. (good for you! )
One other suggestion. . . . I don’t know what your tradition might be, but even in your grief, try to focus on the reason for the season. God loved us so much that He sent his very own Son to earth as a baby…………..it’s why we celebrate. No matter what number year it is, spending some time in church singing the carols, listening to the music and words of of peace and goodwill will lift you up and relax your heart. Doing this has helped soothe my heart after days and days of heart aerobics. It’s like I take a step off the grief merry-go-round for just a little while. Then I feel more centered & stronger in order to step back on it. Try it and let me know how it goes for you. I really do pray that it helps.
No matter when you start your holidays or how you typically roll with them, your heart will go up and down – be pulled here and there – bend and stretch – lift insurmountable burdens. Heart aerobics. This is tough stuff. As you are in the midst of this right now – let me just encourage you for a minute.
First – I’m very sorry for your loss. Every loss is terrible, but during the holidays it simply is worse……….on all levels. Second – know that you have a friend here who while I don’t understand your specific journey, knows the crush, and I’m here walking this too. Third – really do give the church service a try. If you simply can not set foot in church this year, grab a Bible and turn to Luke 2 starting in verse 1, reading to verse 21. A Baby story……………..”For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” Baby stories are the best – and this one came to give us an important thing – Hope.
This season. . . . .this moment that you are reading this – – – know that I’m praying whoever reads this post will know they are not alone. Know that in the midst of our sorrow, we can also experience joy in the birth of our Savior.
So even though there are heart aerobics………………………..there is hope.
Peace & Blessings my dear grief travelers
I’m Tired Of Being Brave
Bravery Fatigue – that’s what I have going on these days. You too??
I’m not sure, but I think this bravery fatigue might be somewhat cumulative. Then again, I believe it’s intensified because of the pandemic. Goodness – this pandemic has fatigued everyone for one reason or another. We are all tired. . . so tired.
My story – 6 1/2 years long at this point. . .emphasis on the word long. And even as I write that, I know there are others widowed that have walked this grief journey a lot longer. I salute all of you !!
We, the widowed, have to make life decisions – decisions so very gigantic – we make them alone for the first time in our adult life. I am ever grateful that God helped me remember the logistics of past life decisions my husband & I made over our 37 1/2 years together. I’m also very thankful for the people with specific expertise along the way. I believe God had us cross paths in order to add to my wisdom quotient. Believe me, I needed it.
This year is perhaps the straw that is breaking this camel’s back.
In March, I moved from St. Louis, MO to Louisville, KY. Mind you, that is after all the huge decisions & hurdles in 2019/early 2020 – deciding where to move, much downsizing, signing to begin building a home, deciding on a realtor, researching the market, vetting a mover, all the move prep – packing boxes, disassembling furniture, deciding what can go in my car/my friend’s car – oh and then the week of the physical move – physically exhausting.
I get to Louisville and everything shuts down – everything. I can’t even see family for awhile.
I’ve left my solid support system and am now living in the desert.
Initially it didn’t bother me too much, but as things have dragged on with no end in sight. . . well, that wears on a person.
Additional stress came after the physical move. . .selling my St. Louis home, closing out MO tax stuff for my business, starting up tax stuff in KY, and drivers license & plates (took 7 months). . .and much more.
And now, plowing into starting over, entering as a nobody – no one knows my history or anything I’ve done – not that I’m looking for any kind of fame – just credibility.
The worst part? Not knowing what to do next. God has been quite silent about this. My head understands I can trust Him & that He has a plan. My heart hasn’t caught up. I like to say – I know God has a plan, I just don’t like this part. Truth.
Please understand I don’t want to know the whole picture. I’m just looking for direction for where to focus. Maybe you are looking for that too. Often on this journey, we find ourselves in the oddest of places, don’t we?
Focusing on the road before us as widows & widowers…and then bravery fatigue. We have been brave for so long. We have stepped up, moved forward, made decisions. . .and we are tired.
So I’m talking to me as much as I am to you. We get each other. We understand where others outside of our walk do not.
Find strength in calling it what it is. This really does help. And then lay down your sword for a few – a few minutes, hours, days. Then pick it back up and take a step forward. Even when we don’t know what’s next we can do what we know – right here, right now.
Me? I’m going to focus on my writing. While I do that, I’ll keep listening for God’s voice – His prompting. I’m going to trust – believe – hope.
That’s what I offer to you friend.
Lay down your sword – rest – pick it back up – take a step – do what you know – listen for God’s prompting.
My dear fellow grief travelers. . .I’m sending you peace & blessings.
Support & Prayer When Alone
Illness – surgery – medical procedure……………………………….
When on the grief journey, these things come along as part of life. But isn’t it true that they also point a singular arrow at us that says – alone?
I’m a member of two Facebook groups for those widowed. They are wonderful, safe places to talk about anything. And one of the recurring subjects is prayers for an illness, or upcoming surgery, or a medical procedure. One thing I love about these two groups is that we rally around each other. It’s more than just friendly support. It says loud and clear that we are not alone……………even though we are facing whatever it is without our spouse. . . feeling so very alone.
Do you have a group from church, dear friends who are neighbors, work people, or folks you feel close to from a grief group, that you can share these type of burdens with? Even though we aren’t together in the regular sense of the word community, we can reach out digitally or outside on the sidewalk/driveway. And we need to do that – you need to do that – I need to do that.
You are probably wondering what in the world nudged me to write on this subject. I’m so glad you asked!
On October 4th I was exposed to someone with Covid. I lost my sense of taste and smell on Friday, October 9th. October 10th I got tested and it’s positive. So I’m isolated for 10 days. News like that is always a bit surprising, but I’ve learned over many years to take the news, think about things logically at first and then execute a plan. It was that evening that I crumbled a bit when realizing I was facing another medical thing. . .alone.
Now before you think I’m depressed or not able to cope. . . .abandon that thought. I only have the one symptom and am doing well. My momentary spiral down was just that – momentary. The deal was that the real surprise wasn’t the test results – it was the brick of “aloneness” that hit me.
And because I’m not the only one going through things like this, my thoughts turned towards you. I want you to know that you aren’t the only one that feels that way. And – just knowing that, I hope, will make you smile and realize that it’s all going to be ok. And – if you are going through something, comment and I will certainly pray for you. You are not alone. Believe that.
In addition to that – please take a moment and identify your core people. Think for a moment about whatever groups you’re a part of – on Facebook or at church or work. We all have our close-to-us people – then our next circle out – good friends – then the friendly acquaintances. So identify your “go-to” peeps ahead of time. Because like it or not, at some point, you will have something in your life, medical or not, where you will need support. Oh – and let’s not forget family. Family can be such a great comfort and support. Why didn’t I suggest that earlier? Probably because I’ve seen those widowed whose families are not supportive or even friendly. So if that’s you, take heart that we can choose the people who can lovingly share our burdens. I have a wonderful family, and feel so very blessed. In particular, my dear children and their spouses are amazing. They reach out to me in love, which is priceless.
While I had my moment Saturday night, I’m feeling confident that God is walking with me through everything. I want to encourage you to feel confident too as you realize you are not alone. We’ve both come so far on this journey. And yes, there’s probably a long way to go, but since we’ve made it this far, I know we will make it to the finish line – courageous and triumphant.
Do The Next Right Thing
Currently I’m attending a local Griefshare group at my church. It’s a wonderful small group that is a safe place. How important it is to have a safe place to question, vent, share, and listen.
The Griefshare ministry is video driven with a workbook that is done during the week. It is thoughtfully laid out and even has scripture written out right there on the page, which helps so much. Another thing I appreciate is the larger font they have used. It’s not so much an age thing as it is a bereavement thing. I don’t know about you, but I like a little larger font when I’m a bit bleary eyed.
In a recent video, one of the folks sharing about their grief journey spoke about how when we are overwhelmed with all that needs to be done, that it’s helpful to just do the next right thing. I love that!! And this is why I’m writing today’s post. I want to share that great thought with you.
Coincidentally, there is a podcast I listen to called, The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman. I mention that in case you may have heard of it. Great podcast, by the way, and I’ve found it helpful on my grief journey. Just know that it’s for everyone and not focused on bereavement. Emily is so good at helping us simplify our every day, our thoughts etc. And as you have probably realized, that helps when grieving.
But on to the reason for this post.
When grieving, we get overwhelmed, upset, stuck, and so many other things. It is this particular subject that the Griefshare video was addressing. Sometimes we come to a place where we don’t know what to do, what step to take. That’s when I think it’s important to do the thing right in front of you – do the next right thing. When we do just that one thing, it can help us feel ready to do the next thing, and the next, and the next.
Sounds so simple, but as you know, when we are grieving – it’s NOT! Taking that next step requires an act of the will. You won’t want to do it, but once you take that one step forward, you will see significant benefits – sometimes right away, and sometimes once you have completed that next thing.
It’s a feeling of accomplishment. It’s one less thing on the long list of things to do. And once it’s done, go ahead and take pride in it. If you are a list maker like me, getting that one thing done will help you feel just a bit better. Note – I’m sorry for using the word better, but it’s the word in the English language that describes it best. We both know that better takes awhile, so please understand that I’m not rushing you.
So dear friend on this grief journey with me – take heart, take a deep breath – and do the next right thing.
I know I’m stepping out on a limb here, but I sincerely believe you will be glad you did.
Permission to rest. . . . . .
If you read the previous posts, you know that I moved from MO to KY – 4 months ago. It was certainly challenging, but I did it.
Truth is, it’s been challenging and stressful for a year & a half. It was even more crazy stressful the last 4 months.
As an Air Force wife for 23 years, I learned to cope with change and whatever difficulties came along. I focused on what to do, and did it. Maybe that’s how you tend to deal with challenges too.
Well, I’ve realized that if the stress is prolonged, it can pile up……………snowball to levels hard to circumvent. And that’s where I found myself about a week ago.
I would like to say when I heard the doctor tell me I needed to apply some de-stressing tools and take a step back to rest, that it was the first time I had heard that. But it’s not.
Honestly, dear friends had either said I needed to rest just as plain as that, or they had sweetly said they couldn’t imagine all I had been through so relaxing was indeed earned. And I heard them, I really did. But I didn’t take it to heart. I just plugged on, resting here and there, but not really stopping the motion and engaging in an extended rest. Well…………..I am now.
I’ve started doing my yoga, which is amazingly helpful. Just 24 minutes and I am seriously a different woman. I’ve also stopped setting my alarm to get up in the morning, except for a day or two when I can’t. I’ve intentionally spent more time praying and in my quiet time in the morning. Days still have a list of a few things to do, but there’s no rush and I remind myself of that – – -often. There is book reading………….I’m working on 3 books currently. I’m going through a Griefshare workbook with DVDs and getting a view of that program. I’ve also been better at walking & exercising which is great for lowering cortisol levels & pumping up endorphins. Plus – and this one is so awesome – I have been sitting on the back porch in the evening sipping an ice cold drink listening to the night things in the woods, looking at the sky……………sometimes thinking……………sometimes not. Talk about unwinding!! Sometimes I hate going inside to go to bed.
This won’t be my life permanently, but my body was giving me clues that it had just about had enough. My mind. . . my heart. . . I needed peace. And maybe that’s where you find yourself too. If you have been eyeball deep in grief for an extended period of time, dealing with so many decisions alone, or going through a major change like me, try to figure out a way you can at least jump off the merry-go-round for portions of time.
I realize that not everyone can do this to the extent I’m able. Sometimes life just has to move on and you may have family members with you that prevent you from truly coming away, but somehow you need to steal away to completely relax and replenish. We were never meant to carry the loads given to us after our loved one’s death with no respite. We have the heavy responsibilities once carried by two, now carried by one. Most of the time we just roll, but don’t let yourself roll into a valley. Leave the heavy stuff in the valley and walk up the mountain where the air is clear and you can breathe. Come up out of the fog and contaminated air where you can get the oxygen you need to think clearly. . . . where you can stop doing and just be. We forget that who we are is more important than what we do. On the mountain you will remember.
That doctor has no idea how pivotal his comments were to me. It was the “ah-ha” moment that I needed. He gave me permission to rest……………..he gave me permission to be happy again – a different sort of happy than before my husband’s death, but happy. I’ve never lost my deep down joy, but I most definitely lost my happy – and I know you have too.
So I’m here as an outside voice, like my doctor was, telling you that I officially give you permission to rest – to really rest. I’m not a doctor, but I have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express – – – – hahahahaha. Anyway – as a pretend-doctor I prescribe a walk up the mountain for you. Get the heck outta the valley and breathe some cool clean air. Leave the to-do list behind, take a drink of your choice with you and just be………………….simply be. Enjoy the silence, voice positive self-talk, read, nap, breathe……………..oh yes, breathe.
Unexpected stuff. . .think Bermuda Triangle.
What an ominous title, right?
So continuing on the “moving” theme, let me share some unexpected stuff that has happened and is still happening. Don’t let this discourage you !!!! Not at all !!!
I’m baring my heart to you, knowing that even in other circumstances & scenarios, someone widowed out there will understand. This is also to give you a heads up. I want to let you in on this so when it happens to you, you will think – hmm, Debbie went through something similar – and it’s going to be OK.
Let me state this again – – – – don’t be discouraged !!! You will get through it and be ok. I believe that we will all get through whatever this grief journey throws at us and we will actually be stronger.
But in the meantime, here’s what I’ve been experiencing.
As I wrote before, I moved from St. Louis to Louisville mid-March, right at the very beginning of Covid. And again – I don’t recommend moving during a pandemic. But that’s where I’m coming from here. . .
The Bermuda Triangle idea didn’t happen right away. First of all I spent 10 days unpacking, breaking down boxes and putting things away. I was putting in 10 hour days and sleeping pretty long at night, which is a huge blessing for me. Yes – at the beginning, I had lots to do, and emotionally I was happy to be in my new home.
However – – – as time went on, there were so many things that weighed heavily on me. I was working with my realtor on selling my St. Louis house – during Covid – oh boy, not a fan. I was spending hours & hours online researching house things to buy – rugs, shower curtains, bar stools, back porch furniture, front porch bench etc. etc. I was dealing with the sadness of missing my previous home, neighborhood, church, friends. . . . Also – I was experiencing deep grief over leaving my previous life behind – the one with my husband. And – leaving him buried in the national cemetery in St. Louis. Plus, how ironic! I moved to be near family, but we couldn’t be together – because of Covid. No hugs, no spending time together, and seeing my grandchildren only in my driveway with them buckled in their seats. Heartbreaking.
You see – it’s all the tangible and intangible things. And they occasionally intersect in one common place……my Bermuda Triangle.
There have been mornings that I sat in my glider rocker sobbing and pouring out my heart to God. Any of the things going on in my Bermuda Triangle individually were not overwhelming. Pile them all together – overwhelming.
How grateful I am that this hasn’t happened a whole lot nor frequently. But friend, can I just be honest here? When it happens. . .oh my goodness, how awful. Truly awful. And crushing. . .
One of the things each of us has experienced is crushing from grief. Even though I’m 6+ years out from my husband’s death, I still have my moments. Gosh I hope that’s not discouraging for you. We all hope & pray that grief diminishes over time and isn’t so crushing. I can say that it is indeed better, even though better isn’t the best word.
Maybe in a strange sort of way, this post will be encouraging to you in this way. You will know that someone else experiences this crushing from time to time. It means you are normal ! Totally normal. And from my perspective, that is so helpful. I’m going. . .you are going. . . where we have never been before. It’s meaningful to talk to someone who is further down the road. Hopefully I can be that someone for you.
As I write this, my St. Louis home is close to closing – Hallelujah !!! But I’m still dealing with emails or phone calls where the realtor or person at the title company needs some sort of documentation etc. etc. etc. – so much etc. etc. etc. And I’m still experiencing the grief of leaving a place that was home for 11 1/2 years, dear friends and the familiarity of so much. It really does cause pain in my spirit to close this door, not only the physical move, but the door on my first life.
I must also add that there is future uncertainty that feels daunting & just way too vague. How do I figure out what I’m supposed to do in this next chapter? I’m very much asking the question – what am I going be when I grow up? Do I want to get a part time job? And where in the world would I want to work? I’m in a new city where I’m not connected yet. Or do I focus on writing, working at my online writing course and my blogs?
As I look at all I just wrote, maybe the hardest part to it all is that nothing in my life, or anyone’s life, is normal right now. Covid has really messed with normal ! I’m so thankful things are opening up and we are ramping back up, but the truth is, we are still in the thick of this pandemic where life is most definitely not normal.
Gosh, I really need to land this plane. And I’m sure you are hoping that I have some magical solution. Alas, I do not.
What I do have is a simple suggestion I read in a book somewhere that said it was greatly beneficial to write down positive things even in the midst of negative circumstances like my Bermuda Triangle.
I have not written them down at this point, but I have taken the time to list them mentally. It actually helps ! I remember an old hymn that says – Count Your Many Blessings, Name Them One by One. That’s the whole idea – instead of focusing on the stress, the negative, the uncertainty – focus on the positive, the blessings, the good – the really good things that we all can list.
Our loss doesn’t define us, yet it is part of who we are now. But so many good things are happening even in Covid. Let’s grab ahold of those wonderfully good things. Let me help you just a bit by giving you a peek at a tiny part of my list.
I’m thankful for: family – near & far that I connect with in person but especially through use of technology, Face Time & Zoom calls, a lovely new home, selling my St. Louis house in less than a month, dear friends that connect with me in several ways though not geographically close, and time…………the spaciousness of time, which I have never had before – to figure things out, to sit quietly and ponder, to read books that I’ve had stacked for a long time, to try new recipes and get used to working in my new kitchen etc. etc. etc.
Let’s try to do this – list the good and let that encourage your heart. Then turn and battle the stressful and not so good.
We can do this dear ones. We really can. We really will. . . . . . Hugs to every one of you. Big virtual hug !!!!
I’m back. . .here’s what’s happened
Wow! I haven’t posted on Beyond Ashes since November. That’s a long time! Let me tell you what’s been happening.
Remember I talked about moving? Well, I did it. The last few months have been grueling to say the least. While I’ve had invaluable help from a neighbor, a mechanic friend & a few guys from church, the rest of…..well, everything……has been done by me. Yes…………I am tired.
Widow or not, it’s been beyond difficult & definitely overwhelming. Even though it’s my 14th move, it is the first one done completely alone in 40 years. So….as you can imagine, I’m physically, psychologically and emotionally spent.
But what I want to encourage you with is this – moving is totally possible. And don’t tell yourself that you can’t do it – YOU CAN !!!
My advice, now that I’m on the other side is – think it through, pray about it, do your homework & then do more homework, and take help/look for help with every aspect – – – financial planning, logistics, selling stuff, hauling stuff away, buying/selling, etc. etc. Every part as it comes along the way – pick someone’s brain. We don’t realize it till we need it, but there are people all around us with a wealth of experience & knowledge. I believe God places them in our life to help with all the stuff that is unknown to us. After all, we used to be two people – two brains with knowledge – two people juggling all the details – two people which meant accountability. So. . . . don’t be afraid, and make a list of people who can help with whatever.
Where was I? St. Louis. Where am I now? Louisville, KY. Reason?? To be near family. My son & family live about 15 minutes away. My daughter & family are now only one day drive away & $150 less airfare round trip. The irony??? This crazy Covid-19. Yep – in addition to the trauma of moving – let’s just add a virus that has mega complicated life. But I’m doing it. There was a little planning ahead which helped. I had family that brought some food initially, as well as a fabulous daughter-in-love who stocked my refrigerator & provided peanut butter etc. for me – BIG Thanks!
This is what I want you to see. Please don’t look at me as some sort of Superwoman. I. Am. Not. I want you to see that should you feel a move is the right thing to do, it is possible & you are able to get through it. You will be afraid at times, that’s normal. But I promise, you will make it through. Reach out to friends at church, neighbors, colleagues – everyone in your sphere of influence. Encouragers – look for those in your life that encourage you – the for real kind, not the kind that is just lip service. They will help you be brave & courageous. Not only that, but as one who has traveled this arduous journey – I Believe In You !!!!!!
So there you have it – – – – – finally a post from me & an explanation. I’m sure you can understand why I’ve been a little over my head for a few months. I will try to be more faithful sharing more that ties into the grief journey – because this move has unearthed things connected to grief that I had not considered, or thought I had dealt with before. Grief…………….doesn’t play fair. But we can get through that too………….together.
Peace & Blessings to all of you……………….
Don’t Go Too Fast
This is written purely from my own experience, so don’t think you need to do anything I have done, nor should you feel like you are doing something wrong – you’re not.
What I want to share today is how sometimes as we work hard to move forward, be brave & courageous, we get overwhelmed & crash because we are trying to go too fast.
I am preparing to move in a few months. Going through 40 years of stuff is daunting, to say the least. It’s such a tough process selling things and carting car load after car load to Goodwill. Truthfully, there’s been lots I’ve pitched as well. And while getting rid of so much has actually felt good, the enormity of what I’m doing got to me the other day.
In addition to what I’ve already mentioned, there’s juggling so many details buying and selling. Gosh I miss my husband for all that. My brain just gets overloaded – totally maxed out. Especially when thinking too far ahead. Gets me in trouble – every. single. time.
A couple days ago, I got up as usual and started to get rolling, sitting in my Canadian rocker & sipping my coffee. It’s a good way to greet the morning and get a little caffeine charge.
At first I didn’t know why I was feeling so sluggish. Even the coffee wasn’t helping. Then the tears started. It was definitely wrapped up in grief, but it went deeper.
I was crashing from so many things happening in October. 3 contractors doing minor repairs on the house, selling, donating, planning, plus keeping up with all the commitments I already had on my plate. My head & heart simply needed stop…………….work through emotions, prayers of thanks, prayers for continued help, and breathing………..I needed to just breathe.
That whole day, while I did actually accomplish a very short list of things, I fought to give myself some slack. I needed to constantly remind myself of ALL that had been accomplished that month. I even allowed myself some closed eye time in my favorite chair in the afternoon…………..because tears and a banged up heart are exhausting.
So cut yourself some slack too. You have my permission!! And I know – – it’s so darn hard to rest, to feel like you have to keep going………….but that’s a lie from our culture that says you are valued for what you do.
My motto is: Who I am is more important than what I do. .
Not original with me…………..but I honestly don’t remember where I heard it first. Perhaps it’s that wonderful person, Anonymous.
So dear person reading this who needs to stop for a bit & breathe – to allow for tears from grief and being overwhelmed – to just plain rest…………………………….go ahead. It is hard to take the time, but the time is SO worth it.
And moving forward…………………….remember……………don’t go too fast.
Peace……………………….
Big Decisions
It’s been far too long since I wrote about my grief journey in this blog. And for that, I truly apologize.
Life has been crazy busy and BIG life decisions have consumed my days, my thoughts, my moments…………….every waking moment as well as some when I’m not so awake.
I’ve written about life decisions before and changes as far as moving. Well. . . I’m moving. So much has happened in the past 10 months. No need to give every detail, but here’s a quick synopsis.
In November 2018, my dear grown children & their wonderful spouses told me they would like me to live near one of their families. They said, we love you Mom and want to take care of you. How sweet & endearing is that? It was also a shock. I had not actually considered that before.
I let it ride for a couple months and prayed about it. If I was going to go through this huge undertaking – downsizing after 40 – my heart needed to be on board. Finally by March 2019, my heart had changed & I was ready to get rid of stuff and start looking for a home.
From April to June I looked at existing homes and vetted 3 builders. Nothing seemed to work except one model at a builder. I still needed to know this was it. At one point I realized that this one floor plan and neighborhood felt like home and was the right one.
So I’m in the midst of meeting with the builder, making choices etc. They will break ground next month, October, and be done late February.
Much has been sold or gotten rid of so far, but there is much to either sell or get rid of…………still. 40 years is quite a span to accumulate. But even in this, my heart is ready to downsize.
And grief wise???? I’ve only had a couple things that have tugged at my heart. There is something about the timing of this………………….the change of my heart…………….and how things are falling together. Somehow it’s just right.
Lest you think I’m stoic and unfeeling, I assure you I’m crying through the whole deal. It’s impossible to adequately describe, but joy and sorrow can co-exist. It just does.
From my widow’s perspective………………..I see this as God closing the door on my first life and giving me a fresh start. I don’t know what the next season of my life will look like, but I’m ready to find out.
There are those reading this who can’t imagine what I’m doing – and that’s perfectly fine. It’s not your time, and it may never be your time. That’s the thing about each one of us…………..we are completely unique like snowflakes. Our grief journeys are totally unique. And yet in our singular experiences, we bond because of extraordinary loss.
So as I raise my glass in honor of your journey, please raise your glass in honor of mine……………….and please pray I will have the wisdom and strength to handle everything, make all the decisions, and physically get through this tough life change. I had a sweet woman who is just a bit on the other side of doing this exact thing after 40 years of marriage tell me – once you get on the other side, you will be SO glad you did. Ah………………….a cheerleader – just what I needed.
May God send you a cheerleader or two as you make big decisions on your grief journey. I sincerely hope you have a church family and friends to surround you with love and encouragement.
Changes………To Move or Not to Move……..
Changes can be good or bad – easy or difficult. On this grief journey, we encounter massive changes at first. Our spouse dies and every – single – thing – changes. It’s not easy, but we muddle through.
Time passes and along the way we are faced with more changes. One change may be the decision to move. . . . . .or not.
What have you done in the moving department? Stayed in your home? Moved to a smaller place? Moved to live closer to your children? Or has it been a combination? Maybe you stayed in your home for a year or so and then moved.
I chose to stay in my home initially. Over the years I had seen widows make big changes like moving too soon only to regret it later. So I knew better. It was comforting to put that decision off indefinitely.
But now I’m about 5 years in and the subject is looming large. My home is quite big for one person and my property is challenging for me as I age. The land is not flat. There are steep places that make my legs unhappy. So last year at 61, I opted for a lawn service taking over the mowing, trimming and edging. It wasn’t easy making that decision because it meant an extra expense. But what a burden lifted ! So this change. . .good, very good.
But back to moving. . .because I know a move is coming, I am going through the house for the third time since my husband died, getting rid of lots. A move will require downsizing much more, but things I part with now will make it easier later on.
For now, I’m thinking things through and honestly I’m praying about it a bunch too. Where do I want to be? What feels right?
You may be thinking about a move too. Maybe not this year, but perhaps next? You may be trying to figure out whether to stay in your area or move near family. These are daunting decisions. So take your time……..think it through and know somewhere deep inside that it’s the right decision.
This time next year life will most likely look very different for me and possibly for you.
Why in the world am I writing in the blog about this? Because it’s something every one of us will face at some point. And because if nothing else, it’s sharing an experience with you. Maybe, just maybe, something I share will help you. No idea how, but you just never know.
Feel free to comment. I would love to know what choices you are making – what change you are facing – how you have navigated a move.
Cheers to us all as we figure out this new life.
Now What?
Do you ever find yourself asking that question? If you lost a spouse, I know you have or are right now.
April will be 5 years for me. I asked this question a lot the first 20+ months. . . . I find I’m asking it again.
Now what do I do? Where am I going? Who am I?
There’s so much floating all around me. Oh – I have things I do, responsibilities and much to fill my days. But I feel very much in my spirit as though something is changing.
When we lose a spouse, we lose a big part of our definition. Notice I didn’t say worth. We are worth much! Always have – always will. But we lose the definition as others see us and how we view ourselves.
We were ____________’s wife/husband. We had been married _______ years. We were part of a pair, a couple, a team. It was us against the world. We were a complete whole.
Now we live with a gaping hole. Nothing really works to fill it. Oh – maybe someday God will bring someone to fill that space and we will feel complete again. But right now that’s yet to happen.
This is just my take on the subject. I don’t have a counseling degree. I haven’t attended a seminary. So all I can give you is my experience, my heart.
What I’m discovering in this never-never land is, I believe, we can all start by remembering some basic things about ourselves that are true.
Here’s some of what is true about me. Maybe it will help you think about your truth. Warning – some of this is faith centered. While this isn’t a faith based blog, faith is the most significant piece of this girl’s puzzle. It’s a big part of my story. So it’s included in what is true about me.
The reason I’m here – to serve others. My Character – loving & care for people, compassionate, encouraging. Positive things I’m doing – facilitating a grief group at church, reworking the Spouse Survivor Guide, going through the house to simplify and downsize, leading a singles group at church, teaching a Sunday School class, singing in choir, taking an online writing class. Goal for life – making a difference in people’s lives, particularly the bereaved. Where am I going? I don’t know.
Looking at the truth about me helps me be patient as I watch my story unfold.
Take a few minutes and write out your truth. I think you will see you’re doing a good deal of positive stuff. Seeing it laid out on a piece of paper gives perspective.
A friend recently reminded me that “there’s value in just BEING“. I like that. . . . a lot. I have a quote that I try to live by and obviously I need to repeat it to myself in this season. “Who I am is more important than what I do”. Where did I hear or read this? No idea. But I like this too.
Another friend recently told me that right now I’m “not driving the bus, I’m just riding along”. This fits. I don’t want to do it forever, but it’s ok right now.
The bottom line, I think, is both of us will be fine – you & me. Eventually things will start lining up. Ideas and direction will gel. And for me, God will lay out more bread crumbs for me to follow.
The grief journey isn’t for sissies. You and I are brave – really !! Someday we will look back and realize just how brave we were. We will also most likely see that pieces were coming together – pieces we can’t see right now.
So hold on with me. We will make it to the other side. . . . . we definitely will.
Whatever Works!!!! – A Holiday Chat
We made it through Thanksgiving……………and now, here comes Christmas.
The holidays are tough when you’ve lost someone special. There’s lots written about it, but most of it is the same stuff printed over and over. I don’t know that I have anything profound for you either. This is my 5th Thanksgiving & Christmas since my husband died. And this holiday season has been almost as bad as the first time around, but there have been and continue to be a few things that make me smile. So hang in there with me and I’ll just chat with you about my current holiday groove – what works & what doesn’t.
There are parts of this holiday season that are supposed to be good, but in truth they simply make things feel worse. People try to infuse big holiday happiness into situations. Bigger smiles, happier faces, overly kind, even singing Christmas songs all over the place. And if life for us was like it used to be when our spouse was with us, we would be all in with them. But all that wonderfulness just rings hollow. At the same time, I totally get it. They are immersed in the season, life for them is good, happy and wonderful. I don’t begrudge them their seasonal good tidings. I’m simply stating that for those of us who have some grief attached to our life, it makes us want to go home, cover up in a blanket in front of the fire and watch TV or read a book.
To complicate this blog post further, I have to say that being out and about during all the season craziness can actually be a good thing, a helpful thing. Let me explain.
While the constant merriment is often too much to take, being out at the mall, walking around gardens decorated with lights etc. can really lift the spirits – though not as high as the “ho, ho, ho” people in our lives. I actually like walking around the mall, getting some steps in, looking at stuff without feeling the need to buy. And where I live, there’s a botanical garden that dresses up in the most magnificent light displays every year. Yes – I ache for someone special to walk through it with me, but I enjoy the creative scenery, nonetheless. I guess it would be safe to say that those of us who have lost a spouse feel rather split as far as decorations & goodwill. It’s alright in small doses, but then it’s time to retreat……..there’s only so much we can take.
I told you this year is not great. Let me share a couple things that have brought me joy even though sad moments abound. I think they are God’s way of getting me through the holiday landmines.
Every year I sing in a Living Tree production at my church. Honestly, there is only one other Christmas performance that outshines this one and it’s not a fair comparison. While we were stationed at the Pentagon, I had the opportunity to sing with the Christian Performing Artists Fellowship in Constitution Hall singing the Messiah. Yeah – that was amazing. But this Living Tree production is top notch, so much fun and people pack out the church for it every year. Anyway – focusing on the memorization of 14 or 15 songs as well as all the extra rehearsals gives me something joyful to fill my heart & mind. Singing about the reason for Christmas is deeper than “ho, ho, ho” stuff. And it works for me.
Another thing that has worked for me this year – actually it’s a double edged sword, to be honest…………….is my family tree in the great room/kitchen area. It’s particularly pretty this year. I did the lights differently and find it makes the whole thing glow. When I come home, I turn on the tree lights and stand there for a few minutes looking at the beautiful ornaments, thinking of the memories and it makes me smile. Now I said it was a double edged sword…………..that’s because when I look at it at night before going to bed & turning off the lights, it sometimes makes me cry. I said it before and I’ll say it again………this blog post is complicated……….it just is. And truly that matches my emotions during the holidays. It’s complicated.
I don’t know how your holiday is going, but my heart goes out to you. We muddle through the holidays the best way we can. There are ups & downs. We don’t do it perfectly, but we get through it in our own way. Each one of us has other things in our lives that tug at our hearts in addition to dealing with our grief and that complicates the holiday too. So muddling through isn’t a depressing thought for me, it’s survival. You and I will get through this holiday. We will survive and I believe as time goes on, it will get better…………somehow it will get better.
Till then, I hope each one of us can find one or two things to bring a smile this holiday season. You might just find yourself delighting in the Christmas wonder of a child or finding joy in some carol you hear at church or some concert you might attend. And if you go to a Christmas party, go ahead and get way too much joy out of watching someone be an idiot. Hahaha – yeah, I really did post that. I figure if people are going to bring entertainment, we should use that as an excuse to enjoy laughter. So go for it – and think about it later too. Residual laughter……………yep, could just make your holiday a bit merrier. Whatever works!!!
Overwhelmed
As I look around the house, in some places I see that time has passed. In other places it’s as though time is standing still.
For a long while, I kept everything the same. After my husband, Tracy, died 4 1/2 years ago, leaving it all as it was, was comforting. So much had changed because of his death. So much. I couldn’t face any more.
Time is a funny thing. In some ways it helps me move forward. In other ways I wish I could go backward in time.
I’ve learned so much through Tracy’s death and trying to keep living. Many times it feels like I take 2 steps forward and one back. I know I’m making progress, but sometimes it just seems so tough.
Each night when I go to bed, I wonder if I should set my alarm or not. Sometimes I need to because of an appointment, but other times I could wake up whenever.
Recently though, I made the decision to schedule important items first thing in the morning. I really do have much to accomplish each day. So I decided to apply some structure to my life. It’s the way I’m continuing to live. No matter what, life does go on. By structuring part of my day, it helps me take those steps forward.
Often it feels like I’m in never-never land. It’s such a strange journey. There’s much out of my control. There are lots of days when I feel like the world is still moving, events still happening, and I’m standing still.
Maybe the worst part is all the decisions. Decisions about property, house and worst of all – paperwork. At one time there were several piles of paperwork. I filled out forms, attached death certificates and went to either the post office to send the documents, or to the UPS store to fax.
In the beginning, it was simple stuff like what to eat. What church service do I want to go to? And then it moved on to – what am I going to do about Thanksgiving? Christmas? Oh dear God, I don’t want to be alone.
Now, being this far out, it’s more the decisions about house and property. Mowing, staining the deck, roof leak, car issues, fixing toilets, window replacements, AC issues, shoveling snow, spot seeding the lawn etc. etc. You get the idea.
When does this all get better? I sure wish I had an answer. But for now, it’s a matter of dealing with things one step at a time. God is walking with me and that helps so much. Things seem bleak and uncertain, but I know God has a plan – and His Word says it’s good. No matter what I face or how I feel, I choose to trust Him. God is greatest & He knows best.
The Cage
Sometimes I almost feel caged or perhaps a better word would be – captive.
This grief walk changes all the time. Initially it’s dark, foggy and feels so impossible. As time progresses, it feels more like a black curtain that we walk through or carry with us. The curtain will sometimes fold in around us for awhile and we remain there till it unfolds and lets us move on.
But recently I’m experiencing the grief differently. It’s as though all along I have been moving forward. And in doing so I feel a great sense of accomplishment, even peace. But, when I least expect it – boom ! A grief ambush ! And it feels like a cage has been dropped around me. I’m stuck ! There’s more to deal with. . . .more emotion, more thinking, more aching.
Sometimes the cage can even feel a bit like a cocoon. It’s not comforting, mind you, but it’s familiar. And let’s face it. Sometimes the grief is deep and awful. Sometimes it tugs quite hard on the heart but we don’t crash. There are so many facets of grief. I laugh when I read books on grief that explain everything so definitively. Seriously – no. It’s not like that at all.
It feels like a cage now to me. I really do struggle with the captivity and feeling stuck. I’m betting some of you who read this feel that way too.
Oh how I wish I had a helpful solution to offer or even something I have found that helps. But the truth seems to be that we simply wait it out. Though we physically walk around, keep appointments and carry on normal conversation, we remain in the cage. Perhaps we have mastered the normalcy of life while sitting in the cage.
At this writing, I am 4 years and almost 5 months into my grief journey. And what I can say at this point is this. Though the sharp ambushes occur less, they are still profound. And after talking/texting/messaging with others further down this path, I can predict that we will always deal with grief to some degree. The black curtain is always there lurking somewhere, though less visible. And the ambush is sure to happen. . . . . . . sometime. When it does, the cage appears.
But I believe we get better and better – stronger and stronger. We learn to deal with the grief, yes; but I believe God’s grace holds our hearts together and gently pushes us forward to embrace the life ahead.
Oh how I want to have a good future ! I know you do too.
Let’s make a vow to be brave together. Let’s not rush through this. Let’s vow to be stronger as well as better. Darn it ! Grief won’t win. We may have to allow it from time to time, but it won’t win. Let’s not hide our scars. They don’t define us. They are badges of honor. We will survive.
Bravo & Cheers to each one of us……………………..
Grab The Bat & Swing
I’m sitting here, watching a Junior Olympic Cup Tournament played in my area (softball). Actually, the main reason I’m here is to see a forever friend umpire. She’s amazing. She’s the UIC of Delaware, umpired in China last year, is in the Softball Hall of Fame in Oklahoma City, and has umpired countless tournaments & nationals all over the USA. So, I’m here to see her. But watching games got me thinking about this grief journey.
Just like these softball games, the grief journey has times it goes faster than others. How frustrating when it seems like we keep striking out. But bravely we walk up to bat and swing again.
There are wonderful people in the stands cheering us on. We desperately need them. Without them, we might never try for a home run or even a base hit. We might opt to sit on the bench. But our peeps in the stands help us believe we have greatness somewhere inside.
So many times we make it to third base, only to realize it’s now a 3 out count and we are on defense again. We put our glove on and walk out on the field. It’s time to knock the opposition out handing them their own 3 out count.
But the big question remains – – How many innings till the end of the game? No one really knows except the Great Coach. He comforts us and encourages us to keep going, keep swinging, be brave and stay in the game. In my own game, He’s the reason I’m seeing more base hits, more home runs. I still strike out, but He lets me know it’s OK. All I ever have to do is my best. The rest will roll however it’s supposed to roll.
Every ball player knows this. You MUST do your best. If you do, there’s no regret. Strike out or home run.
Somehow we will win this thing – – unless we give up and decide to sit on the bench.
I know……….I know………..the bench is comfortable and there are certainly times we end up there………..for awhile. But we can’t stay there. We have to grab the bat and swing.
So if you are thinking about picking up the bat – – – – DO !!! Be brave – – – -Go for it – – Listen for a cheer from your peeps in the stands – – – -Listen to the Great Coach say, ” You can do this!! I’m with you the whole way! “
Being Brave
We all know that early in our grief journey even little things trigger tears – a memory, a picture, a song . . . so many things. But what I’ve realized as time goes on is this. It’s not just the obvious. Sometimes the flood of tears or sword to the heart can be triggered by life events or sudden relationship changes or a huge disappointment. It seems that anything and everything that affects our timeline can throw us. Not happy news, but knowing this may help me – and you – deal with it when it pops up. Perhaps being able to identify it when it happens will bring some sense of understanding. Here’s hoping.
Recently I did something brave – at least I felt it was brave for a widow. I agreed to meet two Christian men and no – not at the same time. I truly went with an open hand. If there was a spark – OK, if not, OK. Well – the first one wasn’t a match. But it was good to know for certain there was to be no connection. The second was MIA with no communication. I was stood up – rejected – standing alone.
Once I got home and was able to relax, I crashed and burned. There were so many reasons why, not the least of which was tied to grief. I no longer felt brave.
Yes! I had good moments to reflect on and a wonderful visit with family on the way home. But I also experienced the crashing in of all the emotion and stress involved. Hopes dashed. Questions about my future. Fear – and feeling intensely alone.
It’s scary putting yourself out there. And, it’s stressful being on high alert as well as trying to sort out emotions. Dating again after 40 years is not for the faint of heart.
That said, with some time put behind me, I know I’m stronger and wiser. Individual experiences don’t define me. But they help shape who I am. They add value to this well traveled person. And in this instance, it helps me know more certainly what I’m looking for. You see, it’s as important to know what you don’t want as it is to know what you do.
So a couple things here – FIRST of all – simply know that somewhere along the way a life event wrapped up in emotion might trigger a significant grief reaction. It’s OK! Roll with it and know you will be stronger and better on the other side. And SECONDLY – if and when you put yourself out there again, know that you may encounter the wrong person(s) and it’s OK! Learn what you don’t want and move forward to find the right one.
FYI – I’m still waiting for mine.
The Fears We Face
When we lose the other half of ourselves and absolutely nothing is the same, there’s fear. Sometimes it truly is “scaring the crap out of us” fear. And sometimes (more often than not for me) it’s “fear of the unknown – not knowing what to do next – fear of making a poor decision alone” type of fear.
During the first year after my husband died, I did everything I could to hold onto anything I could keep the same. Not only is that a healthy thing to do, it’s the logical thing in light of such great loss.
But as each year rolls by, there are moments, sometimes pockets or seasons of time, that cause me to retreat to my favorite chair and crumble. I have to let it all out and pray it through. Most of the time I get up out of the chair and feel better by some measure. Other times I my feel less burdened, but as I rise out of my chair, I simply take one step at a time and do so fearful and overwhelmed. Somewhere along the way, the fear eases and things level out again.
This blog entry isn’t designed to make you feel better or provide some magical solution. What I AM doing is being honest and transparent with you. I want you to see I don’t have it all together. I want you to know that all you feel and deal with is normal. All of it. EVERY. SINGLE. THOUGHT. AND. EMOTION.
Every one of us muddles through in our own way. I like that we can do this, this way. I once was told that as long as it’s not immoral or illegal, you can grieve any way you want. Good advice.
A large part of what gets me through is sitting in my chair and praying. Another huge piece to my puzzle is resoundingly awesome friends who support me no matter what. And it’s, of course, my faith that holds me together. Faith is an anchor, not a crutch.
So while I’m feeling so uncertain about things today and most definitely uncertain about the future and the big decisions I will be facing in the next few years, I know it will all be possible and ultimately it will all be OK. With my faith, my friends, my chair and prayer, I will keep getting stronger. And however you choose to roll, you will too.
Peace & Blessings
No Energy, Zero Motivation……………..A Gift??
Do you have some days where you are running low on energy, but others when it seems ok? Yeah – me too. And after over 4 years, I have – after ruling out normal reasons – come to the conclusion that it’s a part of grief.
On dark, cloudy days, I totally get why I feel like a slug. But days like today – bright, sun-shiny, beautiful – it makes no sense.
In the first year and a bit beyond, I could see the truth in the saying that grief is exhausting. There were days and parts of days where my broken heart expressed itself by floods of tears. And I remembered the scripture that says God keeps all our tears in a bottle. Then, as now, I wonder how big my bottle is or how many bottles are assigned to me.
But as I sit here, my eyes tear up as I feel this lack of energy and motivation. So much to do – I want to move – but I sit here sipping coffee in my robe at 9:45 am. It’s a holiday – so while this is not my usual routine, it’s ok. And I promise, once I finish writing this, I will move these bones.
I’m trying to embrace these static moments as a gift. Too many run in terror from the stilling of motion and solitary minutes. But the rest of life is overfull. So I’m trying to take deep breaths, enjoy the comfort of my coffee, and be still.
When I’m not fighting the push of energy and to-do lists, I notice the woods behind my house. I reflect on the blessing of children and grandchildren. I think about my life – how far I’ve come since Tracy died, and possibilities for the future. And I look around my home as if seeing it after being gone for a long time. I love my home and the things in it. But how often do I look around, drink in the sight of it and smile? Almost never.
This energy thing – if you are experiencing this motion stopping lack of motivation, you are not alone. It may take some time but try to accept it as a sort of gift. If tears flow and your heart breaks, let them flow – feel the break. And know this – you will never have to cry those exact tears again. In God’s grace, we feel this grief and cry through things one small part at a time. Otherwise this pain would kill us.
So here’s to permission to be ok with energy lacking, zero motivation times. Join me in trying to embrace the stillness. Join me in appreciating the segments of the day when time stops. Maybe you and I need to take these times, not looking back or ahead. Perhaps the real gift is to take note of the present – – – – this very moment.
How Do I Know???
Isn’t this the question we ask about everything? When our spouse dies, life gets thrown up in the air. And we who are left behind struggle to put it all back together.
How do I know how long to wear my ring(s)?
How do I know if I should stay in my home or sell & move?
How do I know what to keep and what to let go of?
How do I know if I’m making the right decision about – – – the vehicles, the property, the job, the paperwork/forms, friendships, finances, church…….
It can crash in – feel overwhelming. It can cause a cascade of grief deeper & longer lasting than you expected.
What I want you to know is – – – feeling this way is completely normal. And – you will get through it !!
We sometimes feel “less than” when confronted with such a different paradigm. But the truth is – – – we are not “less than”. We are strong and we are walkin’ this thing. We never knew how strong we were till we HAD to be stronger than we EVER imagined. Strong through tears, through decisions, through fire & rain.
So hang in there dear one. Better days are coming. And when you look back, you will smile, knowing you actually did it. Yes…………….yes, you really did.
Getting your Alleluia Back
Yesterday was Easter. I had the pleasure of attending my daughter’s church and hearing a very good message about losing your Alleluia and getting it back. It spoke deeply to me.
There are lots of ways to lose your Alleluia (Praise God), like divorce etc. But I, of course, was looking at the loss of my spouse. However, any significant loss could cause the loss of our Alleluia.
When our loved one dies, we are shattered. Everything changes. For me, when Tracy died, I didn’t so much lose my Alleluia, but my Alleluia was broken. My faith didn’t waiver; my joy did not leave – but my heart was experiencing so many feelings that the Alleluia, while still given, was broken………just not right, not whole.
Over time, I have had my Alleluia restored. God is like that you know. There are several places in scripture that talk about Him restoring. One of my favorites is in Psalm 23………..He restores my soul. I love that He takes what is broken and puts it back together again – it’s better, it’s stronger. Gosh – I wish I never had to go through the cancer fight and losing Tracy. But since I did, I’m so very thankful that God walks beside me and is restoring me.
There’s a song that I love which talks about a Broken Hallelujah – it’s by The Afters. Here are a few phrases…………they have meant so much to me since losing Tracy 4 years ago.
I can barely stand right now/ Everything is crashing down/ And I wonder where You are………
Even though I don’t know what your plan is I know You make beauty from these ashes……..
You know the things that have brought me here/ You know the story of every tear/ Cause You’ve been here from the very start.
I’ve seen joy and I’ve seen pain/And on my knees I call Your name / Here’s my broken hallelujah / With nothing left to hold onto, I raise my empty hands to you / Here’s my broken hallelujah……………….
I pray that if you have lost your Alleluia or it’s broken, that you will look to God – the restorer of your soul and your Alleluia. Peace…………………
Marking the Years. . .
4 Years
Tomorrow (4/1/18) marks 4 years that my husband Tracy has been gone. There are things about tomorrow that will be so very tough. And then there are things about it, because it’s Easter, that make it not as tough.
My heart is definitely rejoicing that Tracy is healed and whole – no more cancer. Gosh I hate cancer. He fought it hard. The last 3 months were very hard for me too. With cancer, you literally watch the person diminish and die. In the end you simply don’t want them to suffer any more.
But – while my heart rejoices that he’s healed, my heart is also extremely sad. My mind goes back and replays the last 24 hours of life. Sometimes I try to figure out if there was something more I should have done. But really, I know there was not anything else I could have done. And even if there was something that could have helped him stay longer, would that have been fair? I don’t think so. Perhaps the terrible pain on the day of marking is because I miss him so much – This is completely wrong – It was never supposed to be like this – I want him back.
So much has happened since he passed. There are 3 more grandchildren he never met. It was so hard as I welcomed them alone. And – I’m just so tired of being alone, doing everything alone.
Many call it the anniversary of their loved one’s death. And yes, it is. But – I don’t want to assign it as an anniversary. Anniversaries should be happy, not filled with pain. So I’m going to call it the day that marks his death. Maybe there’s another word or phrase, but for now, this is what I’m calling it. If any of you have something that works for you, please comment and share it with me. If I like it better, I might just use it too.
So what’s the point of this blog entry? This one is completely for me, I’m afraid. I’m not even home as I write this. I’m visiting my daughter, her husband and my sweet granddaughter. They didn’t want me to be alone tomorrow. I love my family.
I know there are widows & widowers that read my blog – so this is me working through what tomorrow is going to bring. I pray that on the marked day of your loved one’s death, that God will hold you in His arms – that you will have good memories – that you will have friends or family to spend it with – that you will remember this blog entry and know you are not alone in all you feel.
May the God of comfort & peace surround us all as we walk this grief journey.
Alone. . .
Being Alone
Life, or rather death, has dealt the most awful blow to us. We’ve lost that other part of ourselves. Whether slowly to cancer or Alzheimer’s….. or suddenly as in a traffic accident, pulmonary embolism or other tragic event – they are gone. And after the flurry of activity during the first week or two, life can still seem rather busy or full during the day. We spend hours on the phone, filling out forms/paperwork, driving here & there – just getting through the logistics after a death. But once that’s done, then what?
Days & Nights
While you may not be like me, let me tell you how this has rolled in my life. You hopefully will relate on some level, though we all experience this rodeo in our own way – the components may be different, but the feelings can be the same or similar. During the day for me, it’s relatively easy. There’s the list to tackle, doctor appointments, a little work, house duties, property stuff, errands to run. But at the end of the day – literally – it’s the nights that can be so hard. What’s there to do? Oh yes – sometimes I have a ticket to go to a special event. I have choir practice one night and facilitate a women’s bible study another night – but even those………………..I finish and drive home. . .alone.
The House
I always leave the porch light on as well as a couple lamps inside on timers. I absolutely hate walking into a dark house. The first few minutes I’m putting things away, taking my coat off (if it’s cool/cold weather) and check phone messages. I have some dear friends that I text “Home” to – it’s a safety thing and I love them for that. OK – so that’s done………………….no matter what I choose to do – read a book, watch tv, watch recorded stuff, play on my phone or whatever – it’s empty. There’s no one to share what’s happened during the day – no one to have a disagreement with – no one to laugh with or watch tv with or plan what to do next weekend with…………..no one. It gets old…………after nearly 4 years, it’s so very old. And I suspect it’s something that wears on you as well.
Coping
Coping – surviving – navigating forward…………………it’s what we do. I’ve found that what helps me is to focus on it being MY TIME. I find pleasure in what I choose to do instead of who I don’t have with me. I look forward to watching what I recorded – there was no time to watch it before, so now I can enjoy it minus commercials – don’t you just love that??? I may hit the hay early and read a good book……….it really does lift my spirit to immerse myself in an imaginary place with imaginary people – or read about someone’s life – someone who went through stuff and came out better on the other side. If I feel the need to simply check out from everyone and everything, I thoroughly enjoy playing on my phone – can I just say Pinterest?? I’ve found really wonderful recipes there and ideas for DIY or for making gifts, stuff for grandchildren………..ETC………………. It’s my focus………..it’s a choice. It’s taken time to do this well. Early on – not so much. Early on I would watch tv and just be sad. I think it takes awhile for our mind & heart to move forward. Absolutely EVERYTHING in our life changes when we lose our spouse. So it takes awhile to find a new normal……………..a new groove, even if that groove is all over the place. So let me just encourage you to allow for time……………..and I know – I kind of hate that word too. Seems like everyone says it takes time…………….but there’s no way around it – it just does…………take……………time.
Hang In There
Take it from one who may not be doing this perfectly, but has figured out some things along the nearly 4 year journey……………..hang in there. Sometimes we just have to hold our breath and get through another day – another night. I promise that “better” days are ahead. (better in quotes, because there really isn’t a good word in any language to explain) No matter what point in your journey you are reading this, hold on. Sometimes the best thing we can do is simply hold on, take one step forward and see what happens. If you are a person of faith, cling to that. Statistics prove that a person of ANY faith will meet life’s challenges/tragedies better than a person with ZERO faith. So if it’s been awhile since you were in church – give it a whirl. It’s most definitely time to get back in the saddle – one step at a time. My faith & my church have helped me feel not alone. In my world, God is walking this thing with me. And the faith folk in my life, along with some treasured friends, are walking it with me too. They accept me as I am and encourage me when it’s tough. Honestly – my faith & faith partners are the most significant puzzle pieces in my life. Oh how I pray that you have this too. If not – give it a try. Seriously, what do you have to lose…………except being alone.
The Dreaded V-Day
Yeah – Valentine’s Day
Well, here it is again…………………..Valentine’s Day. For those who have lost a spouse, it’s simply NOT a happy day. As a widow, I totally get that. It’s almost 4 years down this grief road for me and it’s still kind of a yucky day. I think at this point I have tried to focus my love on my kids and grandkids. The rest – I really do try to ignore…………….it’s just too much. And quite honestly, it was never a huge holiday for my husband & me. We felt like it put undue pressure on folk to do something/spend $$. We always felt if you loved someone, you showed it throughout the year. That person should always know you love them. You honor them as you take time to nurture that relationship, whether in big or small ways every year. OK – done beating that horse.
A New Thought This Year
This isn’t really an original thought I’m about to share. It is, however, right in line with all the gratitude stuff written about in books, articles and blogs. For me, I saw it in a morning devotional. The concept made me stop and really look at this day differently.
Being Thankful/Grateful
So the whole idea is that in the midst of this giant hole in our lives, we choose to list out several things that we are grateful for – I mean REALLY grateful for. Depending on where you are in the grief journey, this will be an easier task one time and tough at other times. Please understand that I am still in a very difficult place grief wise – the stupid thing comes and goes. I hate it ! But – in my Valentine’s pain, I was able to see this morning that I was truly blessed. And so, as I began the day, I listed a few things I am truly grateful for. I was reminded that there are so many people that do not have what I have, on many levels. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it makes my existence this Valentine’s Day better. I’m going to choose to focus on the gratitude, not the emptiness.
My List
This is what I am grateful for. Perhaps it will help you think of some things or people that you are grateful for too.
1 – Wonderful children and grandchildren
2- 4 very good friends that I begged God for – for so many years.
3 – a beautiful home & good car
4 – pretty good health
5 – my calling & booklet/ministry
The Prayer
I simply prayed that I would not miss the delight & joy in the things that ARE while focusing on what IS NOT. Sometimes the grief takes over – that’s going to happen. We can’t stop it. But the rest of the time, we can be thankful for the blessings right in front of us. Maybe this is a good way to move forward ?? For me I think it is. And however this works for you, I hope it will help you move forward too.
Surviving Christmas 2017
My apologies for being silent for awhile. Like most of us, it’s a very busy time for me. I promise to do this better as I move forward.
I would love to tell you that I navigated the holidays well. But I can’t tell you that. God was gracious and helped me through a difficult year all the way around. The holidays – Thanksgiving & Christmas – were more difficult this year than previous years. No idea why………………..absolutely no idea why. This is my 4th time around the block and I didn’t expect to end up in deep places. But God had other plans.
This journey is so unique for each of us. Some are doing amazing by this time on the timeline. Actually, I’m doing really well. But all of a sudden in the midst of doing really well, I crash. I’m betting you do too.
Can I just say that I believe there is a purpose in all this? Perhaps God is helping me deal with unfinished business………….closing another door……….moving forward. Maybe, just maybe this is going to make my 2018 better. The thing is, there’s no way to know except to continue moving forward and see……….I have to keep doing what I know to do and see what happens next.
One thing I learned this Christmas is that we can do MUCH better when we are with family. This is the first Christmas since my husband, Tracy, passed away that I was completely alone Christmas Eve and Christmas morni
ng. It was so incredibly lonely and sad. I felt cheated all over again…………..just being together with someone made all the difference in the world. Basically I just cried through it when I needed to and got through it till family arrived Christmas afternoon. But before you get feeling sorry for me, know that joy was flowing like crazy after my kids and grandkids arrived. Nothing like it to make my heart sing.
I hope your Christmas was less sad than mine. I hope you were with family that brought you great joy. I hope you were able to smile through the tears and realize that you made it !!!!! Great job! That’s awesome !!! We don’t have to deal with this for another year. So let’s look toward 2018 with hope & expectation. Peace & Blessings as you continue on the journey.
The Most Significant Piece Of My Puzzle
Some Safety Tips
Pain associated with grief. . . . again.
Grief pain . . . . 3 years and almost 4 months (but who’s counting?) – and something associated with the grief opens a hole in my heart and I am crying in the bathroom. . . again. What the heck?
Those of us who have had a devastating loss can, I’m sure, relate. It’s not the same grief from the 1st year. That, of course, is beyond description. No – this is something that grabs your heart because this (whatever) would not be happening except for the loss. So it’s a different sort of grief, I guess. My previous description stands. Pain associated with grief. I hate this so much !!!
Honestly, there has been a lot of healing that’s taken place. I have, like all of us, been moving forward. Never forgetting, but indeed living. Living in the presence of grief and yet reclaiming some joy.
So I say again – what the heck? I had a painful conversation with God as I cried my way through the morning shower. I did feel His presence and I did feel a measure of comfort. But what I ended up doing was pulling myself together and asking God a final question. I didn’t exactly get an answer then, but later in the day, I think maybe I did.
This day was declared – Be nice to Debbie day. No one else needed to be nice, but I was going to do some joyful things – things that make me smile.
First on the list – go get nails done. And – for the first time – let’s do an accent nail on each hand. God seemed to agree with the fun because the nail tech and owner of the salon said no charge today. Hmmmm – where did that come from?
Next was lunch at a sports bar. Yummy food while talking to the owner about bringing a group for dinner Friday night and reserving a table. Turns out this is where I got my answer from God, or at least part of an answer.
The owner asked me about the group. I explained we are an adult singles group from church. All different categories – widowed, divorced, never married. I told him I was a widow 3+ years. He only heard one word – widow. Suddenly there was no other person in the restaurant but me. You see, his Mom lost her husband a year ago and isn’t doing very well with it. We talked. . . . a lot. His mom is only 3 years older than me and we have lots in common. He shared the pain of losing his step-Dad, whom he loved, and the pain of watching his Mom go through this, not knowing what to do. There’s no way he can understand, of course, because he hasn’t been through it. So here we are, sitting in a sports bar as he pours out his pain which completely fills the booth. After talking things through, I gave him my info, the booklet and told him it’s ok to connect me with his Mom. Then he connects to me on Facebook and gets the Beyond Ashes website address. When he gets up, some of his pain is gone. Will I ever get to connect with his Mom? I don’t know. But here’s the deal – my eyes were opened to my pain.
This was my final question to God this morning. “Are You allowing me to continue feeling pain so I won’t forget? Is this so I can truly minister to and help others going through grief?” Yes – I think it just might be. Today, even in the middle of my painful day, God gave me a chance to make a difference in someone else’s life. Am I happy about the pain? Of course not !!!! But I see that God can redeem anything even pain. And I know He doesn’t waste anything.
Am I still going to complain about pain associated with grief as it crashes into my life? Absolutely !!!!!! Who wouldn’t??? But – at least from here on out I know it may have an ultimate purpose. I’ll never get tired of watching pain and grief melt away from a hurting soul. It’s an extraordinary thing to witness and know you played a part in the healing.
Sorrow & Tears
Psalm 56:6 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book.
This verse from the Bible means a lot to me. Somehow just knowing that God loves me so much that He would keep track of every single sorrow each time my heart breaks, and collects every single tear – I am brought to tears (again) and my heart is overwhelmed.
The most significant piece of my puzzle since Tracy died is my faith. Key people who love and invest in me rank a very close second. This all makes perfect sense. Statistics prove that a person with ANY sort of faith, goes through and recovers better from a crisis or tragedy. And having special people in your life is love and support with skin.
I love how the sited scripture verse talks about “sorrows” & “tears”. These speak directly to the psychological/spiritual and emotional aspects of grief. My heart breaks for a variety of reasons and I cry – sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. My mind plays tricks, plays memory videos, and just plain messes with me – that’s intense sorrow.
The reason I decided to write this post is because this is all part of the grief picture. If sharing this verse along with the post helps anyone, then it’s worth it. I choose to believe when I put something positive out in the universe, that good can come from it. And if it makes a difference to just one widow or widower, my heart is satisfied.
Those of us who live with a hole in our heart understand how profound it is to visualize God caring so much. And, it brings hope. Hope – that going through all of this matters somehow. Hope – that sharing the tears and sorrow helps us take another step.
The Black Curtain
When someone loses a spouse, there’s a black curtain of sorts that we walk into. We aren’t walking through it as many outsiders imagine. No – rather, we walk into it and are enveloped in darkness/emptiness. I don’t have adequate words to explain it, but it truly does exist.
Even while surrounded by the black curtain, we function. We greet people at the visitation/wake and funeral/memorial. Actually, we often end up comforting those who are there for us. That’s OK. It gives us something to do and we are enormously touched by the influence of our loved one’s life on so many. But the fact still remains that we are in the black curtain.
It’s not necessarily depression. It is completely possible to be immersed in the black curtain and not be depressed. That was my experience. But others experience depression or the beginning of depression. It is NEVER wrong to seek help and medication to cope through it all. What person, when struggling in the water, would refuse a life preserver? So some will need this. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength to recognize the need and get help. Smart – very smart.
How long are we in the black curtain? It’s different for each person. An important truth that others need to understand is that there’s no timeline on grief. It lasts as long as it lasts.
As we move forward and the days become months, and then years, the black curtain turns us loose. It unfolds section by section. There’s no magic event that removes it. We walk around in our everyday, ordinary, back to some sort of normal lives and bring the black curtain with us. The unfolding comes as bits of light pierce through. Sometimes we take a step, make a new choice, decide to do something different or embrace enlightenment through a writing or a person. The black curtain peels back. We can breathe a little easier and our heart doesn’t feel so heavy.
I’m only 3+ years into this grief journey. My black curtain is still with me partially. Much of it has unfolded and fallen away. I have talked with many widows and widowers who lost their spouses many years ago. Most of their black curtain is gone, but a small piece remains.
I believe that the small piece of the black curtain may stay with each of us. It doesn’t define us, but it is part of who we are.
I’m no expert, but I think that having that small piece of the black curtain helps us relate to, be empathetic with, and be tenderhearted toward, those who have experienced loss. Our hearts bleed with their crushed heart. We connect because we recognize the black curtain in each of us. I believe God intentionally arranged for this to happen. In God’s Word to us, the Bible, it says in 2 Corinthians 1:4 – “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”
On my grief journey, I’ve learned that God doesn’t waste anything. My tragedy wasn’t for nothing. I can see other’s black curtain. It allows me to practice the ministry of presence. The small piece of my black curtain connects with their black curtain. It may be at that moment that a tiny glimmer of light pierces through. Hope – just a microscopic flicker of hope. It’s a beginning. The black curtain begins to unfurl and fall away.
Tell Your Heart To Beat Again
The words of this song sung by Danny Gokey has meant so much to me as I’ve walked this grief journey. Life for the spouse left behind isn’t easy and there are landmines along the way – stuff you just can’t foresee. Even in the midst of the landmines and psychological/emotional stuff, words from this song have spoken to me in a deep place. Each day along this journey presents new challenges. Thoughts change and the mind & heart can be thrown into turmoil quickly. Life seems to be moving forward and then it feels like there’s been a step or two backwards. This is all normal…………..and maybe it’s because of these crazy moments that this song has been so meaningful for me. I hope it will be meaningful for you. Peace……………..
Tell Your Heart To Beat Again
Shattered……like you’ve never been before – The life you knew in a thousand pieces on the floor – And words fall short in time like these – when this world drives you to your knees – You think you’re never gonna get back to the you that used to be.
Tell your heart to beat again – Close your eyes and breathe it in – Let the shadows fall away, step into the light of grace – Yesterday’s a closing door – You don’t live there anymore – Say goodbye to where you’ve been and tell your heart to beat again.
Beginning – Just let that word wash over you – It’s alright now – Love’s healing hands have pulled you through – So get back up, take step one, leave the darkness, feel the sun – Cause your story’s far from over and your journey’s just begun.
Tell your heart to beat again – Close your eyes and breathe it in – Let the shadows fall away, step into the light of grace – Yesterday’s a closing door – You don’t live there anymore – Say goodbye to where you’ve been and tell your heart to beat again.
Grief 101 for Non-Grievers
Grief and Loss
While the Guide is not a grief booklet, grief & loss are the subjects at hand.
There’s an over abundance of books on grief. Honestly most of them aren’t that helpful. For example, the ones giving a definitive list of grief stages and the order of each stage. Not real – not helpful.
Grief is different for everyone. You may or may not go through every single stage. And clearly, there’s no order whatsoever. The best advice I received was – As long as it’s not illegal or immoral, you can grieve however you want.
So let’s talk about the elephant in the room. I don’t mean the death. I DO mean what everyone else is trying to figure out when responding. People don’t know what to say, so sometimes they say the strangest things. Someone needs to put all the funny comments & stories in a book. Hilarious!!!!
So here’s some simple things to remember from one who has been there. Some I learned from my experience of loss and others I learned from a variety of sources along the way.
- Always OK & preferred to say, “I’m so sorry.”
- No cliches – no matter how true.
- Meet the person where they are. Allow them to be real. It’s not your job to cheer them up.
- Know that grief is emotional, yes – but also psychological and physical.
- Death grief is different than divorce grief. Both are awful – but not the same.
- Practice the ministry of presence – be there – stop talking – listen.
- OK to talk about the deceased loved one. Stories, reminiscing. . . acknowledging the impact of a life. This way the person lives on.
Of course there’s lots more, but you get the general idea. You don’t need to fix it because quite honestly, there’s no fixing. So take a deep breath, say a prayer and remember the points I just made. You will be fine. The fact that you showed up is huge – much bigger than you will every know. . .well, unless you end up the bereaved spouse one day. And then you will totally “get it.”