Tag: grief journey

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Catching up and Questions

It’s been terribly long since I wrote on the blog.  So please accept my apology.  

To be honest, I’ve been mulling over whether I need to keep writing here, if it’s helpful for anyone, or if I should just give it up.  I’m not the most tech savvy person and my site isn’t very modern or as current as others.  Also – for quite awhile, writing seemed to be what I was supposed to do.  I’m reevaluating that lately.  I do enjoy the writing, but trying to assess if it should be a priority.  

So maybe you can help me with this.  Do you like the content here?  Would you like to see more about my grief journey or grief in general?  If there are topics or ideas you would like to see me write about, comment and let me know.  

We all know grief is such an odd journey.  I just passed the 8 year mark.  I can’t wrap my head around that length of time.  In some ways it doesn’t seem that long ago, but when I look at all that has happened since my husband passed, it makes sense that it’s that long.  Sounds a bit circular in thinking, but then, grief is sorta like that, isn’t it? 

To catch you up on what I’ve been doing.  In 2021 I took an ACBC Biblical Counseling Course at my church.  Deep stuff, but so good.  Since January 2022, I’ve been putting together a Grief Support Binder – my personal resource when meeting with a widow.  It’s all sorts of information on a variety of topics with applicable scriptures etc.  No one but me will really be seeing this, but I need something where all the stuff I’ve learned, both in class and in life, is located.  My husband would call it my Dash One – which is what they called the enormous binder for each aircraft in the Air Force.  It’s a small b bible for that plane.  My GSB is my Dash One.  

Oddly enough, but perfectly logical in God’s economy, God continues to bring widows to me in various ways, giving me the opportunity to listen, understand and with whom to share my journey.  It’s such a privilege.  And so  – this is where I believe God is calling me – – – – to walk along side other widows.  This is an awesome responsibility and calling.  The more I learn, the more I feel inadequate to the task.  But God has other ideas.  He used so many unqualified people in the Bible to accomplish His will.  Maybe I’m just another one of those unqualified, but willing & obedient folk.  

Thank you for being part of this inconsistent blog of my journey.  Doing this was not what I had originally meant to do – the blog portion just came with the set up of the website, so I went with it. 

I’m honored that you would take time to read my ramblings.  I’m honored to share my imperfect journey.  Let me know what you think.

Peace & Blessings…………………………………………..

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The Sting of Death. . . .

I Corinthians 15:55    O death, where is your victory?  O death, where is your sting? 

I Thessalonians 4:13  But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.

 

Lately, I have been thinking about the phrase – the sting of death.  

Every one of us who has experienced loss knows the pain and sorrow that death brings.  It hurts – well, to be honest………..it more than hurts…….it’s a pain so deep & awful that it defies words.  

But I keep coming back to the phrase – the sting of death.  It’s sticking with me.  It’s important and I need to know why the sting is gone. 

It comes from the scripture noted above.  It is part of chapter 15 which outlines and explains that Christ died for our sins, and by dying once for all, abolished death.   Verse 54 says – death is swallowed up in victory.  Death is crushed. 

Christ conquered sin & death on the cross.  So for Christians, death isn’t final or ultimate.  Yes – they are gone. . .my husband is gone. . . from this physical world.  But our parting is temporary.  I will see him again.  He is still very much alive – – just not here.  

And so even though death is still a part of us living here on planet earth, the sting is gone for us who are believers.  

Please understand – – we are definitely hurting!  The sting is gone, but death hurts! 

However – – – – – I do not grieve as one who does not have hope.  

Hope  – oh yes – Hope.

Hope in Jesus.  Hope in the Lord, my rock (Psalm 18:2).  Hope because we will all be reunited (I Thessalonians 4:13-18).

This is why I’m writing this for you.  Hope.  The sting is gone.  

We still sorrow…………we still cry………..we still mourn………but we know it’s not the end.  It’s temporary for those of us who have accepted Christ as Savior. 

I can hear some of you question – you’re not sure your loved ones accepted Christ before death.  But we don’t know for certain that they didn’t.  Only God knows the hearts of men/women.  “for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (I Samuel 16:7)

The sting……………gone.  We grieve…………….with hope.

My heart is heavy but I sing hallelujah.  God gets the final word – not death. 

I hope this encourages you as you walk your grief journey.  You are not alone.  God walks it with you.   I’m walking it too. 

Peace & Blessings. . . . .

 

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A Garage Tale

The garage was most definitely my husband’s domain.  All I had done, for the most part, was park there.  

As you know if you’ve read my posts, my husband, Tracy, died in 2014.  Then the garage  saw much more of me because I had to do “Tracy” things.  And, I spent lots more time there as I cleaned it out in preparation for my move this past March. But that certainly wasn’t much fun.

When we lose a spouse, we take on more responsibilities on our property.   If you are a guy, it might mean housekeeping duties and some cooking.  If you are a lady, it could mean lawn stuff and garage stuff.

I’m sure you can understand why spending time in the garage isn’t high on my list of cool things to do.  But – the last few days have been different.

Since moving, I had not settled the garage things because I needed a work bench to store items.  A few days ago it started coming together and it put a big smile on my face. 

I found a work bench on sale and my neighbor helped me put it together a couple Saturday’s ago.  My smile got bigger as I saw my vision of a workspace come to life. 

Next, my neighbor put together a shelf and pegboard above the work bench.  Boy did it look awesome! I couldn’t wait to unpack bins and boxes now there was a beautiful place with a spot for everything. 

The next day I bought small storage bins and various hooks for the pegboard.  I put on some music and began organizing and setting up the whole area.  It was so much fun that I lost track of time.  Why was I feeling so hungry?  I laughed at myself and went inside for some food.  

For a couple more days I sorted through screws, nails, nuts and washers. I found quite a few things  I’m sure only my husband knew what to do with for sure. But going through it all held a strong connection to Tracy. And that was a very good feeling. 

I found a great light to install under the shelf and over the workspace.  My neighbor installed it for me and presto – so much light!  Yes, I was grinning from ear to ear. Taking a few steps back to look at this new workspace thrilled me. This is MY space, My very own work bench area. I’m excited. In my new garage I have found joy after so much sadness. 

Would my husband like it?  Approve?  Well .  .  .  while I’m sure he would tweak it or move a few things around,  yes – I think he would approve.

I’m physically tired, but my heart is energized. 

There is something great about stepping out on your own and doing something that was squarely in your spouse’s lane, that is so fulfilling. I’m proud I was able to make it all come together.

How about you?  What have you done that is not typically in your lane? Have you felt like I did?

Whatever you’ve conquered/done by yourself – – – Congratulations !!!!! (balloons – confetti – noisemakers)

I KNOW how hard it is to move forward & do something that’s NOT in your wheelhouse.   So hard. 

But you did it !!!     I did it !!!     We did it !!!

This journey is beyond difficult.  Others have no idea how truly tough it is.  But we know &  can celebrate each other. 

So bask in the moment.  We totally rock!!

Peace & Blessings………………………and Joy !

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Holidays & Heart Aerobics & Hope

Well here we are…………….smack dab in the middle of holiday everything.  

Every year is different – don’t you think?  I mean, after losing someone loved so dearly, the first year sucks……………..it just does.  And because it is squarely your personal rodeo, I don’t feel it’s right to give advice exactly.  All I think I can do is offer what I did my first year.  Don’t misunderstand…….it still sucked, but because I did it the way I felt was good for me, it wasn’t all terrible.  

What I did was decide that for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I had to be with one or both of my kids.  My kids showered me with love those two holidays.  Thanksgiving was wonderful surrounded by all of them.  Christmas was wonderful  too, being with one of them.  Since the holidays were going to be different for me after my husband’s death, it made perfect sense to tag along and be part of whatever my kids wanted to do.  They were sensitive & kind – it was still tough on my heart, but I made it through the best I could. 

And ultimately friend, that is my heartfelt advice to you.  No matter what year this is for you, it’s your rodeo.  Take a few minutes and think about how you want to experience the holiday.  What is your comfort level?  What do you absolutely NOT want to do?  Don’t let anyone push you into doing anything that hurts too much or just plain feels wrong.  Then let your people know what will be good this year……………most especially if it’s the first.  Although, once you establish the base line, the following years will kind of roll how you want since you’ve spoken your wishes.  (good for you! )

One other suggestion. . . . I don’t know what your tradition might be, but even in your grief, try to focus on the reason for the season.  God loved us so much that He sent his very own Son to earth as a baby…………..it’s why we celebrate.  No matter what number year it is, spending some time in church singing the carols, listening to the music and words of of peace and goodwill will lift you up and relax your heart. Doing this has helped soothe my heart after days and days of heart aerobics.  It’s like I take a step off the grief merry-go-round for just a little while.  Then I feel more centered & stronger in order to step back on it.  Try it and let me know how it goes for you.  I really do pray that it helps. 

No matter when you start your holidays or how you typically roll with them, your heart will go up and down – be pulled here and there – bend and stretch – lift insurmountable burdens.  Heart aerobics.  This is tough stuff.  As you are in the midst of this right now – let me just encourage you for a minute.  

First – I’m very sorry for your loss.  Every loss is terrible, but during the holidays it simply is worse……….on all levels.  Second – know that you have a friend here who while I don’t understand your specific journey, knows the crush, and I’m here walking this too.   Third – really do give the church service a try.  If you simply can not set foot in church this year, grab a Bible and turn to Luke 2 starting in verse 1, reading to verse 21.  A Baby story……………..”For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” Baby stories are the best – and this one came to give us an important thing – Hope. 

This season. . . . .this moment that you are reading this – – – know that I’m praying whoever reads this post will know they are not alone.  Know that in the midst of our sorrow, we can also experience joy in the birth of our Savior.  

So even though there are heart aerobics………………………..there is hope.  

Peace & Blessings my dear grief travelers

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I’m Tired Of Being Brave

Bravery Fatigue – that’s what I have going on these days.  You too??

I’m not sure, but I think this bravery fatigue might be somewhat cumulative.  Then again, I believe it’s intensified because of the pandemic.  Goodness – this pandemic has fatigued everyone for one reason or another.  We are all tired. . . so tired. 

My story – 6 1/2 years long at this point. . .emphasis on the word long.  And even as I write that, I know there are others widowed that have walked this grief journey a lot longer.  I salute all of you !!

We, the widowed, have to make life decisions – decisions so very gigantic – we make them alone for the first time in our adult life.  I am ever grateful that God helped me remember the logistics of past life decisions my husband & I made over our 37 1/2 years together.  I’m also very thankful for the people with specific expertise along the way.  I believe God had us cross paths in order to add to my wisdom quotient.  Believe me, I needed it. 

This year is perhaps the straw that is breaking this camel’s back. 

In March, I moved from St. Louis, MO to Louisville, KY.  Mind you, that is after all the huge decisions & hurdles in 2019/early 2020 – deciding where to move, much downsizing, signing to begin building a home, deciding on a realtor, researching the market, vetting a mover, all the move prep – packing boxes, disassembling furniture, deciding what can go in my car/my friend’s car – oh and then the week of the physical move – physically exhausting. 

I get to Louisville and everything shuts down – everything. I can’t even see family for awhile.  

I’ve left my solid support system and am now living in the desert. 

Initially it didn’t bother me too much, but as things have dragged on with no end in sight. . . well, that wears on a person. 

Additional stress came after the physical move. . .selling my St. Louis home, closing out MO tax stuff for my business, starting up tax stuff in KY, and drivers license & plates (took    7 months). . .and much more.

And now, plowing into starting over, entering as a nobody – no one knows my history or anything I’ve done – not that I’m looking for any kind of fame – just credibility.

The worst part?  Not knowing what to do next.  God has been quite silent about this.  My head understands I can trust Him & that He has a plan.  My heart hasn’t caught up.  I like to say – I know God has a plan, I just don’t like this part. Truth. 

Please understand I don’t want to know the whole picture.  I’m just looking for direction for where to focus.  Maybe you are looking for that too.  Often on this journey, we find ourselves in the oddest of places, don’t we?

Focusing on the road before us as widows & widowers…and then  bravery fatigue.  We have been brave for so long.  We have stepped up, moved forward, made decisions. . .and we are tired. 

So I’m talking to me as much as I am to you. We get each other.  We understand where others outside of our walk do not. 

Find strength in calling it what it is.  This really does help.  And then lay down your sword for a few – a few minutes, hours, days.  Then pick it back up and take a step forward.  Even when we don’t know what’s next we can do what we know – right here, right now. 

Me?  I’m going to focus on my writing.  While I do that, I’ll keep listening for God’s voice – His prompting.  I’m going to trust – believe – hope. 

That’s what I offer to you friend. 

Lay down your sword – rest – pick it back up – take a step – do what you know – listen for God’s prompting. 

My dear fellow grief travelers. . .I’m sending you peace & blessings.

 

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Support & Prayer When Alone

Illness – surgery – medical procedure……………………………….

When on the grief journey, these things come along as part of life.  But isn’t it true that they also point a singular arrow at us that says – alone?  

I’m a member of two Facebook groups for those widowed.  They are wonderful, safe places to talk about anything.  And one of the recurring subjects is prayers for an illness, or upcoming surgery, or a medical procedure. One thing I love about these two groups is that we rally around each other.  It’s more than just friendly support.  It says loud and clear that we are not alone……………even though we are facing whatever it is without our spouse. . . feeling so very alone.  

Do you have a group from church, dear friends who are neighbors, work people, or folks you feel close to from a grief group, that you can share these type of burdens with?  Even though we aren’t together in the regular sense of the word community, we can reach out digitally or outside on the sidewalk/driveway.  And we need to do that – you need to do that – I need to do that.  

You are probably wondering what in the world nudged me to write on this subject.  I’m so glad you asked!

On October 4th I was exposed to someone with Covid.  I lost my sense of taste and smell on Friday, October 9th.  October 10th I got tested and it’s positive.  So I’m isolated for 10 days.  News like that is always a bit surprising, but I’ve learned over many years to take the news, think about things logically at first and then execute a plan.  It was that evening that I crumbled a bit when realizing I was facing another medical thing. . .alone.  

Now before you think I’m depressed or not able to cope. . . .abandon that thought.  I only have the one symptom and am doing well.  My momentary spiral down was just that – momentary.  The deal was that the real surprise wasn’t the test results – it was the brick of “aloneness” that hit me. 

And because I’m not the only one going through things like this, my thoughts turned towards you.  I want you to know that you aren’t the only one that feels that way.  And – just knowing that, I hope, will make you smile and realize that it’s all going to be ok.  And – if you are going through something, comment and I will certainly pray for you.  You are not alone.  Believe that. 

In addition to that – please take a moment and identify your core people.  Think for a moment about whatever groups you’re a part of – on Facebook or at church or work.  We all have our close-to-us people – then our next circle out – good friends – then the friendly acquaintances.  So identify your “go-to” peeps ahead of time.  Because like it or not, at some point, you will have something in your life, medical or not, where you will need support.  Oh – and let’s not forget family.  Family can be such a great comfort and support.  Why didn’t I suggest that earlier?  Probably because I’ve seen those widowed whose families are not supportive or even friendly.  So if that’s you, take heart that we can choose the people who can lovingly share our burdens.  I have a wonderful family, and feel so very blessed.  In particular, my dear children and their spouses are amazing.  They reach out to me in love, which is priceless. 

While I had my moment Saturday night, I’m feeling confident that God is walking with me through everything.  I want to encourage you to feel confident too as you realize you are not alone.  We’ve both come so far on this journey.  And yes, there’s probably a long way to go, but since we’ve made it this far, I know we will make it to the finish line – courageous and triumphant.  

 

 

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Do The Next Right Thing

Currently I’m attending a local Griefshare group at my church.  It’s a wonderful small group that is a safe place.  How important it is to have a safe place to question, vent, share, and listen.  

The Griefshare ministry is video driven with a workbook that is done during the week.  It is thoughtfully laid out and even has scripture written out right there on the page, which helps so much.  Another thing I appreciate is the larger font they have used.  It’s not so much an age thing as it is a bereavement thing.  I don’t know about you, but I like a little larger font when I’m a bit bleary eyed.

In a recent video, one of the folks sharing about their grief journey spoke about how when we are overwhelmed with all that needs to be done, that it’s helpful to just do the next right thing.  I love that!!  And this is why I’m writing today’s post.  I want to share that great thought with you.  

Coincidentally, there is a podcast I listen to called, The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman. I mention that in case you may have heard of it.  Great podcast, by the way, and I’ve found it helpful on my grief journey.  Just know that it’s for everyone and not focused on bereavement.  Emily is so good at helping us simplify our every day, our thoughts etc.  And as you have probably realized, that helps when grieving.  

But on to the reason for this post. 

When grieving, we get overwhelmed, upset, stuck, and so many other things.  It is this particular subject that the Griefshare video was addressing.  Sometimes we come to a place where we don’t know what to do, what step to take.  That’s when I think it’s important to do the thing right in front of you – do the next right thing. When we do just that one thing, it can help us feel ready to do the next thing, and the next, and the next. 

Sounds so simple, but as you know, when we are grieving – it’s NOT!  Taking that next step requires an act of the will.  You won’t want to do it, but once you take that one step forward, you will see significant benefits – sometimes right away, and sometimes once you have completed that next thing.   

It’s a feeling of accomplishment.  It’s one less thing on the long list of things to do.  And once it’s done, go ahead and take pride in it.  If you are a list maker like me, getting that one thing done will help you feel just a bit better.  Note – I’m sorry for using the word better, but it’s the word in the English language that describes it best.  We both know that better takes awhile, so please understand that I’m not rushing you.  

So dear friend on this grief journey with me – take heart, take a deep breath – and do the next right thing.

I know I’m stepping out on a limb here, but I sincerely believe you will be glad you did.

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Big Decisions

It’s been far too long since I wrote about my grief journey in this blog.  And for that, I truly apologize.  

Life has been crazy busy and BIG life decisions have consumed my days, my thoughts,  my moments…………….every waking moment as well as some when I’m not so awake.

I’ve written about life decisions before and changes as far as moving.  Well. . . I’m moving.  So much has happened in the past 10 months.  No need to give every detail, but here’s a quick synopsis.

In November 2018, my dear grown children & their wonderful spouses told me they would like me to live near one of their families.  They said, we love you Mom and want to take care of you.  How sweet & endearing is that?  It was also a shock.  I had not actually considered that before.  

I let it ride for a couple months and prayed about it.  If I was going to go through this huge undertaking – downsizing after 40 – my heart needed to be on board.  Finally by March 2019, my heart had changed & I was ready to get rid of stuff and start looking for a home. 

From April to June I looked at existing homes and vetted 3 builders.  Nothing seemed to work except one model at a builder.   I still needed to know this was it.  At one point I realized that this one floor plan and neighborhood felt like home and was the right one.

So I’m in the midst of meeting with the builder, making choices etc.   They will break ground next month, October, and be done late February.  

Much has been sold or gotten rid of so far, but there is much to either sell or get rid of…………still.  40 years is quite a span to accumulate.  But even in this, my heart is ready to downsize.  

And grief wise????  I’ve only had a couple things that have tugged at my heart.  There is something about the timing of this………………….the change of my heart…………….and how things are falling together.   Somehow it’s just right. 

Lest you think I’m stoic and unfeeling, I assure you I’m crying through the whole deal.  It’s impossible to adequately describe, but joy and sorrow can co-exist.   It just does.  

From my widow’s perspective………………..I see this as God closing the door on my first life and giving me a fresh start.  I don’t know what the next season of my life will look like, but I’m ready to find out.  

There are those reading this who can’t imagine what I’m doing – and that’s perfectly fine.  It’s not your time, and it may never be your time.  That’s the thing about each one of us…………..we are completely unique like snowflakes.  Our grief journeys are totally unique.  And yet in our singular experiences, we bond because of extraordinary loss.  

So as I raise my glass in honor of your journey, please raise your glass in honor of mine……………….and please pray I will have the wisdom and strength to handle everything, make all the decisions, and physically get through this tough life change.  I had a sweet woman who is just a bit on the other side of doing this exact thing after 40 years of marriage tell me – once you get on the other side, you will be SO glad you did.  Ah………………….a cheerleader – just what I needed.  

May God send you a cheerleader or two as you make big decisions on your grief journey.  I sincerely hope you have a church family and friends to surround you with love and encouragement. 

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Changes………To Move or Not to Move……..

Changes can be good or bad – easy or difficult.  On this grief journey, we encounter massive changes at first.  Our spouse dies and every – single – thing – changes.  It’s not easy, but we muddle through. 

Time passes and along the way we are faced with more changes.  One change may be the decision to move. . . . . .or not.

What have you done in the moving department?  Stayed in your home? Moved to a smaller place?  Moved to live closer to your children?  Or has it been a combination?  Maybe you stayed in your home for a year or so and then moved. 

I chose to stay in my home initially.  Over the years I had seen widows make big changes like moving too soon only to regret it later.  So I knew better.  It was comforting to put that decision off indefinitely.

But now I’m about 5 years in and the subject is looming large.  My home is quite big for one person and my property is challenging for me as I age.  The land is not flat.  There are steep places that make my legs unhappy.  So last year at 61, I opted for a lawn service taking over the mowing, trimming and edging.  It wasn’t easy making that decision because it meant an extra expense.  But what a burden lifted !  So this change. . .good, very good.

But back to moving. . .because I know a move is coming, I am going through the house for the third time since my husband died, getting rid of lots.  A move will require downsizing much more, but things I part with now will make it easier later on.

For now, I’m thinking things through and honestly I’m praying about it a bunch too.  Where do I want to be?  What feels right?  

You may be thinking about a move too.  Maybe not this year, but perhaps next?  You may be trying to figure out whether to stay in your area or move near family.  These are daunting decisions. So take your time……..think it through and know somewhere deep inside that it’s the right decision. 

This time next year life will most likely look very different for me and possibly for you. 

Why in the world am I writing in the blog about this?  Because it’s something every one of us will face at some point.  And because if nothing else, it’s sharing an experience with you.  Maybe, just maybe, something I share will help you.  No idea how, but you just never know.

Feel free to comment.  I would love to know what choices you are making – what change you are facing – how you have navigated a move.

Cheers to us all as we figure out this new life. 

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Grab The Bat & Swing

I’m sitting here, watching a Junior Olympic Cup Tournament played in my area (softball).  Actually, the main reason I’m here is to see a forever friend umpire.  She’s amazing.  She’s the UIC of Delaware, umpired in China last year, is in the Softball Hall of Fame in Oklahoma City, and has umpired countless tournaments & nationals all over the USA.  So, I’m here to see her.  But watching games got me thinking about this grief journey.

Just like these softball games, the grief journey has times it goes faster than others.  How frustrating when it seems like we keep striking out.  But bravely we walk up to bat and swing again.

There are wonderful people in the stands cheering us on.  We desperately need them.  Without them, we might never try for a home run or even a base hit.  We might opt to sit on the bench.  But our peeps in the stands help us believe we have greatness somewhere inside. 

So many times we make it to third base, only to realize it’s now a 3 out count and we are on defense again.  We put our glove on and walk out on the field.  It’s time to knock the opposition out handing them their own 3 out count. 

But the big question remains – – How many innings till the end of the game?  No one really knows except the Great Coach.  He comforts us and encourages us to keep going, keep swinging, be brave and stay in the game.  In my own game, He’s the reason I’m seeing more base hits, more home runs.  I still strike out, but He lets me know it’s OK.  All I ever have to do is my best.  The rest will roll however it’s supposed to roll. 

Every ball player knows this.  You MUST do your best.  If you do, there’s no regret.  Strike out or home run.

Somehow we will win this thing – – unless we give up and decide to sit on the bench.

I know……….I know………..the bench is comfortable and there are certainly times we end up there………..for awhile.  But we can’t stay there.  We have to grab the bat and swing.

So if you are thinking about picking up the bat – – – – DO !!!   Be brave – – – -Go for it – – Listen for a cheer from your peeps in the stands – – – -Listen to the Great Coach say, ” You can do this!!  I’m with you the whole way! “

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Being Brave

We all know that early in our grief journey even little things trigger tears – a memory, a picture, a song . . . so many things.  But what I’ve realized as time goes on is this. It’s not just the obvious.  Sometimes the flood of tears or sword to the heart can be triggered by life events or sudden relationship changes or a huge disappointment.  It seems that anything and everything that affects our timeline can throw us.  Not happy news, but knowing this may help me – and you – deal with it when it pops up.  Perhaps being able to identify it when it happens will bring some sense of understanding.  Here’s hoping.

Recently I did something brave  – at least I felt it was brave for a widow.  I agreed to meet two Christian men and no – not at the same time.  I truly went with an open hand.  If there was a spark – OK, if not, OK.  Well – the first one wasn’t a match.  But it was good to know for certain there was to be no connection.  The second was MIA with no communication.  I was stood up – rejected – standing alone.

Once I got home and was able to relax, I crashed and burned.  There were so many reasons why, not the least of which was tied to grief. I no longer felt brave.

Yes!  I had good moments to reflect on and a wonderful visit with family on the way home.  But I also experienced the crashing in of all the emotion and stress involved. Hopes dashed. Questions about my future. Fear – and feeling intensely alone.

It’s scary putting yourself out there.  And, it’s stressful being on high alert as well as trying to sort out emotions.  Dating again after 40 years is not for the faint of heart. 

That said, with some time put behind me, I know I’m stronger and wiser.  Individual experiences don’t define me.  But they help shape who I am.  They add value to this well traveled person.  And in this instance, it helps me know more certainly what I’m looking for.  You see, it’s as important to know what you don’t want as it is to know what you do.

So a couple things here – FIRST of all – simply know that somewhere along the way a life event wrapped up in emotion might trigger a significant grief reaction.  It’s OK!   Roll with it and know you will be stronger and better on the other side.  And SECONDLY – if and when you put yourself out there again, know that you may encounter the wrong person(s) and it’s OK!  Learn what you don’t want and move forward to find the right one.

FYI – I’m still waiting for mine.

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Marking the Years. . .

4 Years

Tomorrow (4/1/18) marks 4 years that my husband Tracy has been gone.  There are things about tomorrow that will be so very tough.  And then there are things about it, because it’s Easter, that make it not as tough.

My heart is definitely rejoicing that Tracy is healed and whole – no more cancer.   Gosh I hate cancer.   He fought it hard.  The last 3 months were very hard for me too.  With cancer, you literally watch the person diminish and die.  In the end you simply don’t want them to suffer any more.

But – while my heart rejoices that he’s healed, my heart is also extremely sad.  My mind goes back and replays the last 24 hours of life.  Sometimes I try to figure out if there was something more I should have done.  But really, I know there was not anything else I could have done.  And even if there was something that could have helped him stay longer, would that have been fair?  I don’t think so.  Perhaps the terrible pain on the day of marking is because I miss him so much – This is completely wrong – It was never supposed to be like this – I want him back.

So  much has happened since he passed.  There are 3 more grandchildren he never met.  It was so hard as I welcomed them alone.  And – I’m just so tired of being alone, doing everything alone.

Many call it the anniversary of their loved one’s death.  And yes, it is.  But – I don’t want to assign it as an anniversary.  Anniversaries should be happy, not filled with pain.  So I’m going to call it the day that marks his death.  Maybe there’s another word or phrase, but for now, this is what I’m calling it.  If any of you have something that works for you, please comment and share it with me.  If I like it better, I might just use it too.

So what’s the point of this blog entry?  This one is completely for me, I’m afraid.  I’m not even home as I write this.  I’m visiting my daughter, her husband and my sweet granddaughter.  They didn’t want me to be alone tomorrow.  I love my family.

I know there are widows & widowers that read my blog – so this is me working through what tomorrow is going to bring.  I pray that on the marked day of your loved one’s death, that God will hold you in His arms – that you will have good memories  – that you will have friends or family to spend it with – that you will remember this blog entry and know you are not alone in all you feel.

May the God of comfort & peace surround us all as we walk this grief journey.

 

 

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Alone. . .

Being Alone

Life, or rather death, has dealt the most awful blow to us.  We’ve lost that other part of ourselves.  Whether slowly to cancer or Alzheimer’s….. or suddenly as in a traffic accident, pulmonary embolism or other tragic event – they are gone.   And after the flurry of activity during the first week or two, life can still seem rather busy or full during the day.  We spend hours on the phone, filling out forms/paperwork, driving here & there – just getting through the logistics after a death.   But once that’s done, then what?

Days & Nights

While you may not be like me, let me tell you how this has rolled in my life.  You hopefully will relate on some level, though we all experience this rodeo in our own way – the components may be different, but the feelings can be the same or similar.  During the day for me,  it’s relatively easy.  There’s the list to tackle, doctor appointments, a little work, house duties, property stuff, errands to run.  But at the end of the day – literally – it’s the nights that can be so hard.  What’s there to do?  Oh yes – sometimes I have a ticket to go to a special event.  I have choir practice one night and facilitate a women’s bible study another night – but even those………………..I finish and drive home. . .alone.

The House

I always leave the porch light on as well as a couple lamps inside  on timers.  I absolutely hate walking into a dark house.  The first few minutes I’m putting things away, taking my coat off (if it’s cool/cold weather) and check phone messages.  I have some dear friends that I text “Home” to – it’s a safety thing and I love them for that.  OK – so that’s done………………….no matter what I choose to do – read a book, watch tv, watch recorded stuff, play on my phone or whatever – it’s empty.  There’s no one to share what’s happened during the day – no one to have a disagreement with – no one to laugh with or watch tv with or plan what to do next weekend with…………..no one.  It gets old…………after nearly 4 years, it’s so very old.  And I suspect it’s something that wears on you as well.

Coping

Coping – surviving – navigating forward…………………it’s what we do.  I’ve found that what helps me is to focus on it being MY TIME.  I find pleasure in what I choose to do instead of who I don’t have with me.  I look forward to watching what I recorded – there was no time to watch it before, so now I can enjoy it minus commercials – don’t you just love that???  I may hit the hay early and read a good book……….it really does lift my spirit to immerse myself in an imaginary place with imaginary people – or read about someone’s life – someone who went through stuff and came out better on the other side.  If I feel the need to simply check out from everyone and everything, I thoroughly enjoy playing on my phone – can I just say Pinterest??  I’ve found really wonderful recipes there and ideas for DIY or for making gifts, stuff for grandchildren………..ETC……………….  It’s my focus………..it’s a choice.  It’s taken time to do this well.  Early on – not so much.  Early on I would watch tv and just be sad.  I think it takes awhile for our mind & heart to move forward. Absolutely EVERYTHING in our life changes when we lose our spouse.  So it takes awhile to find a new normal……………..a new groove, even if that groove is all over the place.  So let me just encourage you to allow for time……………..and I know – I kind of hate that word too.  Seems like everyone says it takes time…………….but there’s no way around it – it just does…………take……………time.

Hang In There

Take it from one who may not be doing this perfectly, but has figured out some things along the nearly 4 year journey……………..hang in there.  Sometimes we just have to hold our breath and get through another day –  another night.  I promise that “better” days are ahead. (better in quotes, because there really isn’t a good word in any language to explain)  No matter what point in your journey you are reading this, hold on.  Sometimes the best thing we can do is simply hold on, take one step forward and see what happens.  If you are a person of faith, cling to that.  Statistics prove that a person of ANY faith will meet life’s challenges/tragedies better than a person with ZERO faith.  So if it’s been awhile since you were in church – give it a whirl.  It’s most definitely time to get back in the saddle – one step at a time.  My faith & my church have helped me feel not alone.  In my world, God is walking this thing with me.  And the faith folk in my life, along with some treasured friends, are walking it with me too.  They accept me as I am and encourage me when it’s tough.  Honestly – my faith & faith partners are the most significant puzzle pieces in my life.  Oh how I pray that you have this too.  If not – give it a try.  Seriously, what do you have to lose…………except being alone.

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The Dreaded V-Day

Yeah – Valentine’s Day

Well, here it is again…………………..Valentine’s Day.  For those who have lost a spouse, it’s simply NOT a happy day.  As a widow, I totally get that.  It’s almost 4 years down this grief road for me and it’s still kind of a yucky day.  I think at this point I have tried to focus my love on my kids and grandkids. The rest – I really do try to ignore…………….it’s just too much.  And quite honestly, it was never a huge holiday for my husband & me. We felt like it put undue pressure on folk to do something/spend $$.  We always felt if you loved someone, you showed it throughout the year. That person should always know you love them. You honor them as you take time to nurture that relationship, whether in big or small ways every year. OK – done beating that horse.

A New Thought This Year

This isn’t really an original thought I’m about to share.  It is, however, right in line with all the gratitude stuff written about in books, articles and blogs. For me, I saw it in a morning devotional.  The concept made me stop and really look at this day differently.

Being Thankful/Grateful

So the whole idea is that in the midst of this giant hole in our lives, we choose to list out several things that we are grateful for – I mean REALLY grateful for. Depending on where you are in the grief journey, this will be an easier task one time and tough at other times.  Please understand that I am still in a very difficult place grief wise – the stupid thing comes and goes.  I hate it !    But – in my Valentine’s pain, I was able to see this morning that I was truly blessed.  And so, as I began the day, I listed a few things I am truly grateful for.  I was reminded that there are so many people that do not have what I have, on many levels. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it makes my existence this Valentine’s Day better. I’m going to choose to focus on the gratitude, not the emptiness.

My List

This is what I am grateful for.  Perhaps it will help you think of some things or people that you are grateful for too.

1 – Wonderful children and grandchildren

2- 4 very good friends that I begged God for – for so many years.

3 – a beautiful home & good car

4 – pretty good health

5 – my calling & booklet/ministry

The Prayer

I simply prayed that I would not miss the delight & joy in the things that ARE while focusing on what IS NOT.  Sometimes the grief takes over – that’s going to happen.  We can’t stop it.  But the rest of the time, we can be thankful for the blessings right in front of us.  Maybe this is a good way to move forward ?? For me I think it is.  And however this works for you, I hope it will help you move forward too.