Tag: widow

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Lamenting…………and a Book Suggestion

         Psalm 10 – Psalm 77 – Psalm 13

Lament…………………..do you know about lament?

I really didn’t understand what was meant by lament – at least not for a Christian. Lament according to Webster is the expression of sorrow – the mourning, wailing, crying loudly.  But for the Christian, the definition is a bit different. 

Here’s where I suggest a very good book on Christian lament.  The title?            Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop.  It’s been an very eye-opening book for me.  Let me try to explain why. 

The past 2+ years I have been experiencing a different kind of grief – or maybe it would be more accurate to say a different season of grief that now I think is really lament. 

The book explains lament way better than I could, so I will use short excerpts from the book.

“Lament is a prayer in pain that leads to trust.”

Lament “usually includes 4 key elements: (1) an address to God, (2) a complaint, (3) a request, and (4) an expression of trust and/or praise.”

“Lament is the honest cry of  hurting heart wrestling with the paradox of pain and the promise of God’s goodness.”

So you see, it is different than melting into a bucket of tears, which is what happens to us especially for the first few years………but we all know that this pops up as time goes on.  We all know we don’t “get over” grief or completely heal this side of heaven.  But, the lion’s share of this happens early.  Just an aside – I believe this is God’s grace.  How can I say that?  I believe if God allowed us to feel the full weight of the pain of grief in the first week or so that we would actually die.  I don’t believe our human frame could take it. And so, God allows the buckets for awhile, but then they are more manageable containers.  We are able to cry it through, and work through that moment, or that hour, or that difficult day or night.  God’s grace.  It’s a way He shows His love for us & His compassion. 

Back to lament………..so maybe the best way to help you is to be transparent about my lamenting over the recent past, and is still very much present. 

It is me asking hard questions that stem from watching others widowed find their second chapter or it might be watching the frightening spiral of culture, our country etc. etc. and realizing I may walk this darkness alone till He returns.  And yes – I know I’m not alone when I have God/Jesus/Holy Spirit.  Truly, they are the only thing that holds me together sometimes.  Dark – it’s so dark, and getting darker by the day.

It’s me wrestling with the “paradox of pain and the promise of God’s goodness.”   It’s a word I learned recently.  Theodicy.  Defense of God’s goodness and omnipotence in view of the existence of evil (Webster)  

It’s asking God where my restoration is, when will the intense pain stop, how long Lord?  Then when I’m deep in the weeds with this, I think of others whose suffering is physical and unending, and I wonder if I have a leg to stand on in my lament to God. In the end, I believe we all go through crucibles of our own, whether physical or emotional or spiritual.  And as Christians, the difference for us is the Rock on which we stand.  I must remember that while my feelings are very real, they are often not true.  So how can I know??

How we know our feelings aren’t true is to line them up with the Truth of scripture.  We don’t have our own truth – there is only one Truth.  Our pain, whatever it is, doesn’t get the final word – God does. 

The Psalms are so encouraging to me.  I believed that’s why it’s the “go to” scripture for anyone experiencing a tough emotion. David lays it all out – over & over again. I love that about him. God had him do that for our benefit. David was a man after God’s own heart, but he still struggled with pain, with theodicy.

Am I rolling out of this lament ?  The simple answer is no.  I do, however, see God teaching me things.  And I know from walking with the Lord for lots of years, He’s got a purpose in my pain. I also know that He loves when I praise Him even when I’m crying and asking questions. I love that about Him. He is my heavenly Father and I can come to Him messy & broken.  Good thing, because I am………….alot these days.   You too?  

Be encouraged friend. Go to the Psalms I listed at the beginning of this post.  That’s a great starting point.  Keep talking to God. Bring Him your questions, your pain. Ask Him to teach you things through this. Trust Him. Praise Him. Watch what He does. Friend, He is our solid Rock. Everything else is sinking sand.  This pain isn’t for nothing.  God doesn’t waste anything. Hold onto hope. Hold onto the Savior.  Lament it out dear friends…………….

Sending you hugs……………………Peace & Blessings…………

 

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Catching up and Questions

It’s been terribly long since I wrote on the blog.  So please accept my apology.  

To be honest, I’ve been mulling over whether I need to keep writing here, if it’s helpful for anyone, or if I should just give it up.  I’m not the most tech savvy person and my site isn’t very modern or as current as others.  Also – for quite awhile, writing seemed to be what I was supposed to do.  I’m reevaluating that lately.  I do enjoy the writing, but trying to assess if it should be a priority.  

So maybe you can help me with this.  Do you like the content here?  Would you like to see more about my grief journey or grief in general?  If there are topics or ideas you would like to see me write about, comment and let me know.  

We all know grief is such an odd journey.  I just passed the 8 year mark.  I can’t wrap my head around that length of time.  In some ways it doesn’t seem that long ago, but when I look at all that has happened since my husband passed, it makes sense that it’s that long.  Sounds a bit circular in thinking, but then, grief is sorta like that, isn’t it? 

To catch you up on what I’ve been doing.  In 2021 I took an ACBC Biblical Counseling Course at my church.  Deep stuff, but so good.  Since January 2022, I’ve been putting together a Grief Support Binder – my personal resource when meeting with a widow.  It’s all sorts of information on a variety of topics with applicable scriptures etc.  No one but me will really be seeing this, but I need something where all the stuff I’ve learned, both in class and in life, is located.  My husband would call it my Dash One – which is what they called the enormous binder for each aircraft in the Air Force.  It’s a small b bible for that plane.  My GSB is my Dash One.  

Oddly enough, but perfectly logical in God’s economy, God continues to bring widows to me in various ways, giving me the opportunity to listen, understand and with whom to share my journey.  It’s such a privilege.  And so  – this is where I believe God is calling me – – – – to walk along side other widows.  This is an awesome responsibility and calling.  The more I learn, the more I feel inadequate to the task.  But God has other ideas.  He used so many unqualified people in the Bible to accomplish His will.  Maybe I’m just another one of those unqualified, but willing & obedient folk.  

Thank you for being part of this inconsistent blog of my journey.  Doing this was not what I had originally meant to do – the blog portion just came with the set up of the website, so I went with it. 

I’m honored that you would take time to read my ramblings.  I’m honored to share my imperfect journey.  Let me know what you think.

Peace & Blessings…………………………………………..

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A Garage Tale

The garage was most definitely my husband’s domain.  All I had done, for the most part, was park there.  

As you know if you’ve read my posts, my husband, Tracy, died in 2014.  Then the garage  saw much more of me because I had to do “Tracy” things.  And, I spent lots more time there as I cleaned it out in preparation for my move this past March. But that certainly wasn’t much fun.

When we lose a spouse, we take on more responsibilities on our property.   If you are a guy, it might mean housekeeping duties and some cooking.  If you are a lady, it could mean lawn stuff and garage stuff.

I’m sure you can understand why spending time in the garage isn’t high on my list of cool things to do.  But – the last few days have been different.

Since moving, I had not settled the garage things because I needed a work bench to store items.  A few days ago it started coming together and it put a big smile on my face. 

I found a work bench on sale and my neighbor helped me put it together a couple Saturday’s ago.  My smile got bigger as I saw my vision of a workspace come to life. 

Next, my neighbor put together a shelf and pegboard above the work bench.  Boy did it look awesome! I couldn’t wait to unpack bins and boxes now there was a beautiful place with a spot for everything. 

The next day I bought small storage bins and various hooks for the pegboard.  I put on some music and began organizing and setting up the whole area.  It was so much fun that I lost track of time.  Why was I feeling so hungry?  I laughed at myself and went inside for some food.  

For a couple more days I sorted through screws, nails, nuts and washers. I found quite a few things  I’m sure only my husband knew what to do with for sure. But going through it all held a strong connection to Tracy. And that was a very good feeling. 

I found a great light to install under the shelf and over the workspace.  My neighbor installed it for me and presto – so much light!  Yes, I was grinning from ear to ear. Taking a few steps back to look at this new workspace thrilled me. This is MY space, My very own work bench area. I’m excited. In my new garage I have found joy after so much sadness. 

Would my husband like it?  Approve?  Well .  .  .  while I’m sure he would tweak it or move a few things around,  yes – I think he would approve.

I’m physically tired, but my heart is energized. 

There is something great about stepping out on your own and doing something that was squarely in your spouse’s lane, that is so fulfilling. I’m proud I was able to make it all come together.

How about you?  What have you done that is not typically in your lane? Have you felt like I did?

Whatever you’ve conquered/done by yourself – – – Congratulations !!!!! (balloons – confetti – noisemakers)

I KNOW how hard it is to move forward & do something that’s NOT in your wheelhouse.   So hard. 

But you did it !!!     I did it !!!     We did it !!!

This journey is beyond difficult.  Others have no idea how truly tough it is.  But we know &  can celebrate each other. 

So bask in the moment.  We totally rock!!

Peace & Blessings………………………and Joy !

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I’m Tired Of Being Brave

Bravery Fatigue – that’s what I have going on these days.  You too??

I’m not sure, but I think this bravery fatigue might be somewhat cumulative.  Then again, I believe it’s intensified because of the pandemic.  Goodness – this pandemic has fatigued everyone for one reason or another.  We are all tired. . . so tired. 

My story – 6 1/2 years long at this point. . .emphasis on the word long.  And even as I write that, I know there are others widowed that have walked this grief journey a lot longer.  I salute all of you !!

We, the widowed, have to make life decisions – decisions so very gigantic – we make them alone for the first time in our adult life.  I am ever grateful that God helped me remember the logistics of past life decisions my husband & I made over our 37 1/2 years together.  I’m also very thankful for the people with specific expertise along the way.  I believe God had us cross paths in order to add to my wisdom quotient.  Believe me, I needed it. 

This year is perhaps the straw that is breaking this camel’s back. 

In March, I moved from St. Louis, MO to Louisville, KY.  Mind you, that is after all the huge decisions & hurdles in 2019/early 2020 – deciding where to move, much downsizing, signing to begin building a home, deciding on a realtor, researching the market, vetting a mover, all the move prep – packing boxes, disassembling furniture, deciding what can go in my car/my friend’s car – oh and then the week of the physical move – physically exhausting. 

I get to Louisville and everything shuts down – everything. I can’t even see family for awhile.  

I’ve left my solid support system and am now living in the desert. 

Initially it didn’t bother me too much, but as things have dragged on with no end in sight. . . well, that wears on a person. 

Additional stress came after the physical move. . .selling my St. Louis home, closing out MO tax stuff for my business, starting up tax stuff in KY, and drivers license & plates (took    7 months). . .and much more.

And now, plowing into starting over, entering as a nobody – no one knows my history or anything I’ve done – not that I’m looking for any kind of fame – just credibility.

The worst part?  Not knowing what to do next.  God has been quite silent about this.  My head understands I can trust Him & that He has a plan.  My heart hasn’t caught up.  I like to say – I know God has a plan, I just don’t like this part. Truth. 

Please understand I don’t want to know the whole picture.  I’m just looking for direction for where to focus.  Maybe you are looking for that too.  Often on this journey, we find ourselves in the oddest of places, don’t we?

Focusing on the road before us as widows & widowers…and then  bravery fatigue.  We have been brave for so long.  We have stepped up, moved forward, made decisions. . .and we are tired. 

So I’m talking to me as much as I am to you. We get each other.  We understand where others outside of our walk do not. 

Find strength in calling it what it is.  This really does help.  And then lay down your sword for a few – a few minutes, hours, days.  Then pick it back up and take a step forward.  Even when we don’t know what’s next we can do what we know – right here, right now. 

Me?  I’m going to focus on my writing.  While I do that, I’ll keep listening for God’s voice – His prompting.  I’m going to trust – believe – hope. 

That’s what I offer to you friend. 

Lay down your sword – rest – pick it back up – take a step – do what you know – listen for God’s prompting. 

My dear fellow grief travelers. . .I’m sending you peace & blessings.

 

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Support & Prayer When Alone

Illness – surgery – medical procedure……………………………….

When on the grief journey, these things come along as part of life.  But isn’t it true that they also point a singular arrow at us that says – alone?  

I’m a member of two Facebook groups for those widowed.  They are wonderful, safe places to talk about anything.  And one of the recurring subjects is prayers for an illness, or upcoming surgery, or a medical procedure. One thing I love about these two groups is that we rally around each other.  It’s more than just friendly support.  It says loud and clear that we are not alone……………even though we are facing whatever it is without our spouse. . . feeling so very alone.  

Do you have a group from church, dear friends who are neighbors, work people, or folks you feel close to from a grief group, that you can share these type of burdens with?  Even though we aren’t together in the regular sense of the word community, we can reach out digitally or outside on the sidewalk/driveway.  And we need to do that – you need to do that – I need to do that.  

You are probably wondering what in the world nudged me to write on this subject.  I’m so glad you asked!

On October 4th I was exposed to someone with Covid.  I lost my sense of taste and smell on Friday, October 9th.  October 10th I got tested and it’s positive.  So I’m isolated for 10 days.  News like that is always a bit surprising, but I’ve learned over many years to take the news, think about things logically at first and then execute a plan.  It was that evening that I crumbled a bit when realizing I was facing another medical thing. . .alone.  

Now before you think I’m depressed or not able to cope. . . .abandon that thought.  I only have the one symptom and am doing well.  My momentary spiral down was just that – momentary.  The deal was that the real surprise wasn’t the test results – it was the brick of “aloneness” that hit me. 

And because I’m not the only one going through things like this, my thoughts turned towards you.  I want you to know that you aren’t the only one that feels that way.  And – just knowing that, I hope, will make you smile and realize that it’s all going to be ok.  And – if you are going through something, comment and I will certainly pray for you.  You are not alone.  Believe that. 

In addition to that – please take a moment and identify your core people.  Think for a moment about whatever groups you’re a part of – on Facebook or at church or work.  We all have our close-to-us people – then our next circle out – good friends – then the friendly acquaintances.  So identify your “go-to” peeps ahead of time.  Because like it or not, at some point, you will have something in your life, medical or not, where you will need support.  Oh – and let’s not forget family.  Family can be such a great comfort and support.  Why didn’t I suggest that earlier?  Probably because I’ve seen those widowed whose families are not supportive or even friendly.  So if that’s you, take heart that we can choose the people who can lovingly share our burdens.  I have a wonderful family, and feel so very blessed.  In particular, my dear children and their spouses are amazing.  They reach out to me in love, which is priceless. 

While I had my moment Saturday night, I’m feeling confident that God is walking with me through everything.  I want to encourage you to feel confident too as you realize you are not alone.  We’ve both come so far on this journey.  And yes, there’s probably a long way to go, but since we’ve made it this far, I know we will make it to the finish line – courageous and triumphant.  

 

 

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Do The Next Right Thing

Currently I’m attending a local Griefshare group at my church.  It’s a wonderful small group that is a safe place.  How important it is to have a safe place to question, vent, share, and listen.  

The Griefshare ministry is video driven with a workbook that is done during the week.  It is thoughtfully laid out and even has scripture written out right there on the page, which helps so much.  Another thing I appreciate is the larger font they have used.  It’s not so much an age thing as it is a bereavement thing.  I don’t know about you, but I like a little larger font when I’m a bit bleary eyed.

In a recent video, one of the folks sharing about their grief journey spoke about how when we are overwhelmed with all that needs to be done, that it’s helpful to just do the next right thing.  I love that!!  And this is why I’m writing today’s post.  I want to share that great thought with you.  

Coincidentally, there is a podcast I listen to called, The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman. I mention that in case you may have heard of it.  Great podcast, by the way, and I’ve found it helpful on my grief journey.  Just know that it’s for everyone and not focused on bereavement.  Emily is so good at helping us simplify our every day, our thoughts etc.  And as you have probably realized, that helps when grieving.  

But on to the reason for this post. 

When grieving, we get overwhelmed, upset, stuck, and so many other things.  It is this particular subject that the Griefshare video was addressing.  Sometimes we come to a place where we don’t know what to do, what step to take.  That’s when I think it’s important to do the thing right in front of you – do the next right thing. When we do just that one thing, it can help us feel ready to do the next thing, and the next, and the next. 

Sounds so simple, but as you know, when we are grieving – it’s NOT!  Taking that next step requires an act of the will.  You won’t want to do it, but once you take that one step forward, you will see significant benefits – sometimes right away, and sometimes once you have completed that next thing.   

It’s a feeling of accomplishment.  It’s one less thing on the long list of things to do.  And once it’s done, go ahead and take pride in it.  If you are a list maker like me, getting that one thing done will help you feel just a bit better.  Note – I’m sorry for using the word better, but it’s the word in the English language that describes it best.  We both know that better takes awhile, so please understand that I’m not rushing you.  

So dear friend on this grief journey with me – take heart, take a deep breath – and do the next right thing.

I know I’m stepping out on a limb here, but I sincerely believe you will be glad you did.

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Permission to rest. . . . . .

If you read the previous posts, you know that I moved from MO to KY – 4 months ago.  It was certainly challenging, but I did it.  

Truth is, it’s been challenging and stressful for a year & a half.  It was even more crazy stressful the last 4 months.

As an Air Force wife for 23 years, I learned to cope with change and whatever difficulties came along.  I focused on what to do, and did it.  Maybe that’s how you tend to deal with challenges too.   

Well, I’ve realized that if the stress is prolonged, it can pile up……………snowball to levels hard to circumvent.  And that’s where I found myself about a week ago. 

I would like to say when I heard the doctor tell me I needed to apply some de-stressing tools and take a step back to rest, that it was the first time I had heard that.  But it’s not.

Honestly, dear friends had either said I needed to rest just as plain as that, or they had sweetly said they couldn’t imagine all I had been through so relaxing was indeed earned.  And I heard them, I really did.  But I didn’t take it to heart.  I just plugged on, resting here and there, but not really stopping the  motion and engaging in an extended rest. Well…………..I am now. 

I’ve started doing my yoga, which is amazingly helpful.  Just 24 minutes and I am seriously a different woman.  I’ve also stopped setting my alarm to get up in the morning, except for a day or two when I can’t.  I’ve intentionally spent more time praying and in my quiet time in the morning.  Days still have a list of a few things to do, but there’s no rush and I remind myself of that – – -often.  There is book reading………….I’m working on 3 books currently.  I’m going  through a Griefshare workbook with DVDs and getting a view of that program. I’ve also been better at walking & exercising which is great for lowering cortisol levels & pumping up endorphins.  Plus – and this one is so awesome –  I have been sitting on the back porch in the evening sipping an ice cold drink listening to the night things in the woods, looking at the sky……………sometimes thinking……………sometimes not.  Talk about unwinding!!  Sometimes I hate going inside to go to bed. 

This won’t be my life permanently, but my body was giving me clues that it had just about had enough.  My mind. . . my heart. . . I needed peace.  And maybe that’s where you find yourself too.  If you have been eyeball deep in grief for an extended period of time, dealing with so many decisions alone, or going through a major change like me, try to figure out a way you can at least jump off the merry-go-round for portions of time.  

I realize that not everyone can do this to the extent I’m able.  Sometimes life just has to move on and you may have family members with you that prevent you from truly coming away, but somehow you need to steal away to completely relax and replenish.  We were never meant to carry the loads given to us after our loved one’s death with no respite.  We have the heavy responsibilities once carried by two, now carried by one.  Most of the time we just roll, but don’t let yourself roll into a valley.  Leave the heavy stuff in the valley and walk up the mountain where the air is clear and you can breathe. Come up out of the fog and contaminated air where you can get the oxygen you need to think clearly. . . . where you can stop doing and just be.  We forget that who we are is  more important than what we do.  On the mountain you will remember. 

That doctor has no idea how pivotal his comments were to me.  It was the “ah-ha” moment that I needed.  He gave me permission to rest……………..he gave  me permission to be happy again – a different sort of happy than before my husband’s death, but happy.  I’ve never lost my deep down joy, but I most definitely lost my happy – and I know you have too.  

So I’m here as an outside voice, like my doctor was, telling you that I officially give you permission to rest – to really rest.  I’m not a doctor, but I have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express – – – – hahahahaha.  Anyway – as a pretend-doctor I prescribe a walk up the mountain for you.  Get the heck outta the valley and breathe some cool clean air.  Leave the to-do list behind, take a drink of your choice with you and just be………………….simply be.  Enjoy the silence, voice positive self-talk, read, nap, breathe……………..oh yes, breathe.  

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Sorrow & Tears

Psalm 56:6  You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in Your bottle.  You have recorded each one in Your book.

This verse from the Bible means a lot to me.  Somehow just knowing that God loves me so much that He would keep track of every single sorrow each time my heart breaks, and collects every single tear – I am brought to tears (again) and my heart is overwhelmed.

The most significant piece of my puzzle since Tracy died is my faith.  Key people who love and invest in me rank a very close second.  This all makes perfect sense.  Statistics prove that a person with ANY sort of faith, goes through and recovers better from a crisis or tragedy.  And having special people in your life is love and support with skin.

I love how the sited scripture verse talks about “sorrows” & “tears”.  These speak directly to the psychological/spiritual and emotional aspects of grief.  My heart breaks for a variety of reasons and I cry – sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.  My mind plays tricks, plays memory videos, and just plain messes with me – that’s intense sorrow.

The reason I decided to write this post is because this is all part of the grief picture.  If sharing this verse along with the post helps anyone, then it’s worth it.  I choose to believe when I put something positive out in the universe, that good can come from it.  And if it makes a difference to just one widow or widower, my heart is satisfied.

Those of us who live with a hole in our heart understand how profound it is to visualize God caring so much.  And, it brings hope.  Hope – that going through all of this matters somehow.  Hope – that sharing the tears and sorrow helps us take another step.