Tag: death

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Starting Another Year……….Alone

So I’m starting another year alone………………you too?   Not the greatest is it?   But here we are.  And so while I don’t have profound words of wisdom, I’ll share how I’m processing this and maybe it will help you – or it might give you an idea on how you can process your own grief journey starting another year.

New Years Eve was a little better for me, thanks to a dear widow friend who invited me to have dinner at a local restaurant with some other widow friends of mine.  I affectionately call them my widow gang.  The distraction of chatting about whatever and laughing at various things, was definitely a help. Then we went to one of their homes and watched a movie.  Of course after that, I went home – alone.  But by then I just really wanted to be by myself.  

I wasted time watching tv and then went to bed to read.  It was a new book and I confess I got so invested in it that I read till almost midnight.  Midnight – I heard the fireworks in the neighborhood and realized………..the new year had begun, no matter what.  Isn’t it interesting how part of our life stops, but the rest of the world keeps going on…….and on……..and on??

New Years Day started out pretty sad, so I enjoyed an extra cup of coffee and staying in my PJs.  But the sadness eased as I headed into the day.  I baked a new bread recipe and got my black eyed peas going in the small crockpot.  Then late afternoon, I put together a new yellow squash recipe – – – spoiler alert – it’s a keeper & can be easily doubled etc.  Yay!  

Also in retrospect, the passing of the the year and start of the next may have affected me a bit more because I was seriously tired and recovering from driving 600 miles the day before.  

But the ending & beginning bothered me more this year, I think, because I couldn’t sense a “word” or a specific focus/direction from God.  At the end of each year, I pray and look for not a resolution, but a direction – a reset – that sort of thing.  This year – I only came up with a couple things.  They may not sound profound or imaginative, but for the moment, I think it suits me. 

So for this year, 2024, I’m a student –  taking masters classes at a local seminary.   In addition – I’m praying a couple things – may God order my steps and above all – may God heal my heart.  I continue to walk through this life with a broken heart.  And before any other Christians out there try to counsel me – It really is well with my soul – – – – – it’s just not great with  my heart.  After talking this over with a very dear friend who lost her husband 3  months before me – 10 years ago – we  are experiencing the same thing.  Nothing is affecting our faith – we still have joy in the Lord – but our heart seems to be permanently shattered.  Who knows – maybe it has to do with the 10 year mark…….honestly friends………I have no idea.  I’m as clueless as the rest of you.  

Through every year, God has proved faithful.  I know He will continue to be faithful.  My faith is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.  I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.  On Christ the solid rock I stand – all other ground is sinking sand.   

I pray that God will grant each one of us comfort, peace and healing.  

 

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When The Bough Really Does Break

The last 4 1/2 weeks or so have been crushing.  I didn’t fully understand the cumulative impact until this past Thursday.  And – because you will at some point encounter cumulative grief, I want to share my experience of the bough breaking.  If you have already experienced this, be on the lookout for it happening again in your own life, certainly, but pay attention to those around you who have not experienced it yet.  If it’s possible, be there for them. 

My breaking bough happened this past Wednesday night after my counseling class.  But before I explain what happened, here’s the timeline leading to that. 

On August 7th, I lost a dear woman that I used to sing with in choir and do bible study with in my former church in Missouri.  It was really difficult and heartbreaking that I could not travel back for the funeral.  The next one was particularly crushing. #1

On August 17th, I lost my best friend in the Air Force, a fellow Command Spouse, and heart of my heart in so many ways.  She was 4 years younger than me.  Oh – cancer, you are just so awful.  This one was and is very painful.  Sometimes it simply doesn’t seem real.  And yet – I was there for the visitation, the funeral, and the aftermath with the widower.  Heavy………..oh, so heavy. #2

Then September 6th, I lost a sweet gentleman that I used to sing with in choir and ensembles at my former church in Missouri.  UGH!!  Another choir member…………..  My heart broke and I grieved that loss……#3

September 7th, the husband of a co-worker at Altus AFB Chapel died from Covid.  He was a squadron member back when we were stationed in Altus.  53  Yeah………53.   #4

4. . . .count them, 4.  But that isn’t all that was happening.  

Afghanistan happened.  The mismanaged withdrawal happened.  Leaving Americans happened.  Loss of 13 servicemen happened.  Memories from the past 20 years……………….knowing they all/ we all made a difference……… but I’m upset and angry over how this has been executed.  It’s a different kind of grief….but grief nonetheless. And pre-grief – – for what this is setting in motion – terrorist events yet to be. 

Finally, there’s my biblical counseling class on Wednesday nights.  The section we have been covering is on marriage.  Honestly, for the most part it has been ok.  I’ve looked at it academically and keyed in on pivotal verses from scripture that not only show us how we are to live as husbands & wives, but as believers – Christ followers.  This past Wednesday night was the final module in the section.  

There was not specific trigger.  Nothing in particular was hard to hear.  But I believe the cumulative pile of grief was pushed over the edge with all the marriage do’s & don’ts talk.  About 3/4 through the class I felt it coming.  Eyes began to tear and the pain in my chest was becoming unbearable.  The bough was about to break. 

No, I told God.  Not here, not now.  Lord, help me hold it together till I can get out of here.  And He did.  God is so faithful.  He continues to rescue me from tangible as well as intangible.  

I made it to my car and then water started flowing out of my eyes.  My heart felt physical pain.  I was feeling crushed – completely crushed.  I drove all the way home………crying.  And it continued for awhile.  The bough broke.

Sleep didn’t come easy, even though the crying had stopped.  I wasn’t depressed.  My heart hurt and felt heavy.  Reading wasn’t easy either.  And I didn’t want to watch tv.  So I laid there and prayed, I poured out my heart to God and cried a bit more.  I’ve learned that in the arms of Jesus is the only truly safe place I can do this.  It is the only place I feel comfort.  He is my strong tower and I run to Him.  He would walk me through this intense grief and bring me out on the other side.  I’ve walked this before with Him.  I knew He was the only unchanging, faithful One who could get me through.  

And He did.  I finally fell asleep and woke up at my regular time without the alarm.  A short night.  I thought to myself, I will need to catch a power nap today.  But you know what?  I didn’t.  My heart wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t heavy anymore.  My thoughts were clearer and I was again walking in strength and confidence.  

This blog isn’t Christian faith focused, but I’m making an exception in this post.  My faith is the reason I have not only survived, but moved forward better than I ever thought possible.  My faith is the foundation upon which I stand.  And – statistics prove that a person of any kind of faith, meets life’s challenges & tragedies better than one with no faith, no hope.  I have faith.  I have hope – a know-so hope, not a hope-so hope. 

I’m not talking religion.  There are those who try to put me in a box and say I am “religious”.  I’m not religious, I’m faithful.  I have a relationship, not a religion.  The denomination where I attend is not the denomination I have always attended.  I’m a Christ-follower.  I adhere, for the most part, to a schedule for worship and participating at my church, but I’m not there every time they open the door.  I’m not checking off to-do boxes, I’m participating in corporate worship, private worship, and ministering to the body of Christ.  It is a lifestyle of faith. 

Why am I pointing this out?  Because I fully believe that when the bough broke Wednesday night, it was God’s grace.  He knew I needed a safety valve to open and vent off the overwhelming sadness and pain that was captured inside me.  Grief is work, and this was some work I needed to do.  The tears I cried are tears I won’t have to cry again.  The tears of the future are different. Their healing part is yet to happen. 

In addition, I want you to understand that on this side, I am thankful for the crushing break of the bough Wednesday night.  I want you to see that terrible pain can lead to wonderful healing and greater insight.  I believe it also gives you what you need not just for today, but for your future breaking boughs.  And – – – it puts you in a position to help someone you see whose bough is breaking.  You have credibility because you have been through it.  God doesn’t waste anything………….the comfort you have been given is to be passed on.  (2 Corinthians 1)

Take heart dear one.   You are not alone in the bough breaking moment.  If you have never reached out to the One who died for you, I encourage you to do it.  Give Jesus a chance.  In this life, He is the only One who will never, ever change and who will always & forever walk this with you.   

Peace & Blessings

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The Sting of Death. . . .

I Corinthians 15:55    O death, where is your victory?  O death, where is your sting? 

I Thessalonians 4:13  But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.

 

Lately, I have been thinking about the phrase – the sting of death.  

Every one of us who has experienced loss knows the pain and sorrow that death brings.  It hurts – well, to be honest………..it more than hurts…….it’s a pain so deep & awful that it defies words.  

But I keep coming back to the phrase – the sting of death.  It’s sticking with me.  It’s important and I need to know why the sting is gone. 

It comes from the scripture noted above.  It is part of chapter 15 which outlines and explains that Christ died for our sins, and by dying once for all, abolished death.   Verse 54 says – death is swallowed up in victory.  Death is crushed. 

Christ conquered sin & death on the cross.  So for Christians, death isn’t final or ultimate.  Yes – they are gone. . .my husband is gone. . . from this physical world.  But our parting is temporary.  I will see him again.  He is still very much alive – – just not here.  

And so even though death is still a part of us living here on planet earth, the sting is gone for us who are believers.  

Please understand – – we are definitely hurting!  The sting is gone, but death hurts! 

However – – – – – I do not grieve as one who does not have hope.  

Hope  – oh yes – Hope.

Hope in Jesus.  Hope in the Lord, my rock (Psalm 18:2).  Hope because we will all be reunited (I Thessalonians 4:13-18).

This is why I’m writing this for you.  Hope.  The sting is gone.  

We still sorrow…………we still cry………..we still mourn………but we know it’s not the end.  It’s temporary for those of us who have accepted Christ as Savior. 

I can hear some of you question – you’re not sure your loved ones accepted Christ before death.  But we don’t know for certain that they didn’t.  Only God knows the hearts of men/women.  “for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (I Samuel 16:7)

The sting……………gone.  We grieve…………….with hope.

My heart is heavy but I sing hallelujah.  God gets the final word – not death. 

I hope this encourages you as you walk your grief journey.  You are not alone.  God walks it with you.   I’m walking it too. 

Peace & Blessings. . . . .

 

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The Deathiversary

Deathiversary

Believe it or not, that is truly a word.  I promise – not a joke.  It’s in the Urban Dictionary online.  Yeah…………..I did go looking for it.  Actually, I was just looking for a word besides anniversary – or death day.  Not sure I’ll stick with this one, but it struck me as a good one to use for this post.  So humor me – ok?

Yesterday.  4/1/2021   My husband Tracy’s deathiversary.  7 years.  Wow…….I can’t believe it’s been 7 years.  In my heart and head I do feel like it’s more than a year – but 7 years?  Seriously?  (SMH)

Every year is different.  Some have been worse than others.  Some have been full and easier to take than others.  Last year, 2020, well – you can imagine how awful that was.  Not the whole day, mind you, but a significant part for sure.  Everything was shut down so I couldn’t really go much of anywhere, and somehow going to the grocery store wasn’t at the top of my fun list.  

Yesterday was quite good till I went to bed.  And then the weight of the day crashed in.  I’m pretty sure many of you have had this happen.  While I do understand the reason behind last night’s sob fest, what I don’t understand is  when the wave crashes unexpectedly with no trigger.  But that’s probably a subject for another post.  For now – I will focus on the deathiversary smash. 

I had spent a little time reading, turned out the light and began my prayer like always.  The thing is, I got a bit stuck thanking God for the day.  I was truly thankful for the day, but somehow the day itself was connected with a day of pain beyond explanation 7 years ago.  The only way I could get through it to the other side was to talk it through with God.  There was heartbroken honesty and some questions asked.  How thankful I am that God listens and understands.  In scripture He is called the God of all comfort.  It’s true.  Do my questions get answered ?  No, and probably not this side of heaven.  Does it really solve anything?  No – but something does happen.  I think it’s that I feel validated, listened-to, understood.  And that does make a difference.  In the end, I believe it’s simply needful to talk it out.  Holding it in makes the torture go on and on.  But speaking it out loud, or at a sobbing whisper, means something.  It’s not dangling out there in the air, it has made it non-stop to the throne of grace.  And through the unbroken connection between the throne & me, love pours through.  The listening part is what helps the most I think.  I’m sure God is thinking,  ‘here she’s comes again with the grief wave’.  But He listens anyway.  

And don’t we do that with our children?  We want them to come to us a gazillion times with their heartaches.  We listen.  We understand that what they are going through is hard and sometimes not fair.  We hold them, we hug them, we comfort them.  Well – that’s what God does.  He listens.  He holds me.  He hugs me.  He comforts me.  And finally at long last, I sleep.  

Truth be told, my face feels swollen in the morning & I’m running low on my sleep meter.  But I feel like some of the toxic grief has left me and I can begin a new day.  Technically the first day of the 8th year.   Yikes………….ok I need to land this plane or I’m going to feel discouraged again.

So how do you handle your deathiversary?  Have you had ups and downs?  Have you experienced God’s amazing grace, listening and comfort?  Tell me about it.  It doesn’t matter how long for you – the deathiversary comes every year.  1, 4, 7, 15 +.  Talk to me.  How did you deal with the last one?  How are you going to deal with the one coming up?  

No matter your loss – No matter how fresh or how long, my heart is with you.  I’m listening, giving a virtual hug and sharing a word of encouragement.  Here’s something that resonates with me. . . . . . 

Psalm 34:18  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.     

Psalm 56:8   You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book. 

That’s the God who listens and esteems our tears greatly.  I pray it blesses you to  know that.  

Peace & Blessings

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The Why Questions

Have you ever looked into the night sky and asked questions?  Better yet – did you get any answers?

I bet not.

Many times I’ve looked at the stars and wondered many things.  I have wished my husband could just send a message.  I’ve wished God could give me some sort of explanation. 

But there was nothing but silence.

It seems to be a common theme with those who have experienced loss.  We all have questions.  And it doesn’t matter if our loss was sudden or dragged out with some awful thing like cancer. 

The number one question is usually – – – – WHY…………

Why did they have to die? Why did they die so young? Why couldn’t the doctors find the tumors earlier? Why wasn’t there time to say good bye? Why was there such pain and suffering? Why am I left alone?

So many whys………………

When I first asked my Whys, I would eventually get so exhausted that I gave up. As time went on and I gained strength, the Whys continued, but the direction changed. I went to the Source – the only place I felt I could find an answer.  I went to God and His word.

There is a lot of suffering in the bible.  Men and women lost people they loved to illness, war and suicide.  I’m sure they asked Why too. 

One man is recorded in scripture asking Why and with good reason.  His name is Job.  Most people have heard of him and his troubles.

His losses just would. not. stop.

He lost all his oxen and servants while they were in the field. Then fire fell from heaven killing all his sheep and the servants tending them. At the same time, enemies of Job came and stole his camels and killed those servants.  He lost all his sons and daughters because a mighty wind struck the house where they were gathered and it collapsed. 

But it didn’t end there. 

He had lost possessions and his whole family except his wife.  But there was more to lose.  He lost his health.  All of a sudden terrible boils appeared all over his body.  They were everywhere from the top of his head to the bottoms of his feet.  They were terribly painful.  He tried to relieve the suffering by scraping himself with a piece of pottery while sitting among the ashes.  I can’t imagine how awful that was!  Job knew sadness upon sadness as well as physical pain.  He was suffering and I’m sure asking Why.

To make matters worse, his wife turned her back on God and gave Job some terrible advice.  She said, “Do you still hold fast to your integrity?  Curse God and die!”

Thankfully Job did not go along with her suggestion.  He knew she was being foolish. 

Still, Job was stuck in this situation for a long time.  He had some friends who tried to figure out the cause of Job’s hurting, but they were no help.  

Job asks Why.  He cries out to God.  He feels forgotten. 

In our deep grief. . . .in our loss that has devastated our world, we can feel forgotten too.  It’s a natural way to feel.  The good news is, God is big enough to handle our deep emotions and our begging question – Why?

I like this story of Job because though it’s a heart wrenching story, it has a fantastic ending. By the way – go read the great ending – it’s Job 42: 10-17.  The last chapters of Job show us something about wanting answers to unanswerable questions.

God does answer Job after he has poured his heart out completely.  It is in God’s answer and Job’s response that I find help for my Whys. 

God clearly shows who He is and His authority.  Job gets it.  He realizes that he was asking for answers he could never understand.  He saw that God in His sovereignty, His ultimate power and majesty, was too wonderful and amazing for a mere human to comprehend. 

I wish I was the one who had come up with this, but it’s actually a statement I heard from the popular Christian singer, Danny Gokey.  He said, “God doesn’t answer Job’s questions, He gives him perspective.”

That’s so rich.  And it resonates with me. 

Do I still ask Why? Yes !  It’s ok to ask our Whys. God is there to listen and comfort.  He knows we see this in an earthly and personal way.  But now I can open my hand and let my tears flow. God has a totally different perspective.  All I see is right here.  God sees everything – past, present and future.  So I trust Him. 

Friend, I know it’s not easy to do.  You won’t suddenly be ok with your Whys.  You will continue to have questions.  But over time, perhaps knowing God has the only perfect perspective, you can open your hand as you cry saying, “OK God, I don’t like it and I don’t understand, but I trust You.”

May we all find peace as we bring God our Whys, then move forward with trust.  

Peace & Blessings to us all…………………………………….

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Overwhelmed

As I look around the house, in some places I see that time has passed.  In other places it’s as though time is standing still.

For a long while, I kept everything the same.  After my husband, Tracy, died 4 1/2 years ago, leaving it all as it was, was comforting.  So much had changed because of his death.  So much.  I couldn’t face any more.

Time is a funny thing.  In some ways it helps me move forward.  In other ways I wish I could go backward in time. 

I’ve learned so much through Tracy’s death and trying to keep living.  Many times it feels like I take 2 steps forward and one back.  I know I’m making progress, but sometimes it just seems so tough.

Each night when I go to bed, I wonder if I should set my alarm or not.  Sometimes I need to because of an appointment, but other times I could wake up whenever.

Recently though, I made the decision to schedule important items first thing in the morning.  I really do have much to accomplish each day.  So I decided to apply some structure to my life.  It’s the way I’m continuing to live.  No matter what, life does go on.  By structuring part of my day, it helps me take those steps forward. 

Often it feels like I’m in never-never land.  It’s such a strange journey.  There’s much out of my control.  There are lots of days when I feel like the world is still moving, events still happening, and I’m standing still.

Maybe the worst part is all the decisions.  Decisions about property, house and worst of all – paperwork.  At one time there were several piles of paperwork.  I filled out forms, attached death certificates and went to either the post office to send the documents, or to the UPS store to fax.

In the beginning, it was simple stuff like what to eat.  What church service do I want to go to?  And then it moved on to – what am I going to do about Thanksgiving? Christmas?  Oh dear God, I don’t want to be alone. 

Now, being this far out, it’s more the decisions about house and property.  Mowing, staining the deck, roof leak, car issues, fixing toilets, window replacements, AC issues, shoveling snow, spot seeding the lawn etc. etc.  You get the idea.

When does this all get better?  I sure wish I had an answer.  But for now, it’s a matter of dealing with things one step at a time.  God is walking with me and that helps so much.  Things seem bleak and uncertain, but I know God has a plan – and His Word says it’s good.  No matter what I face or how I feel, I choose to trust Him.  God is greatest & He knows best. 

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The Fears We Face

When we lose the other half of ourselves and absolutely nothing is the same, there’s fear.  Sometimes it truly is “scaring the crap out of us” fear.  And sometimes (more often than not for me) it’s “fear of the unknown – not knowing what to do next – fear of making a poor decision alone” type of fear.

During the first year after my husband died, I did everything I could to hold onto anything I could keep the same.  Not only is that a healthy thing to do, it’s the logical thing in light of such great loss.

But as each year rolls by, there are moments, sometimes pockets or seasons of time, that cause me to retreat to my favorite chair and crumble.  I have to let it all out and pray it through.  Most of the time I get up out of the chair and feel better by some measure.  Other times I my feel less burdened, but as I rise out of my chair, I simply take one step at a time and do so fearful and overwhelmed.  Somewhere along the way, the fear eases and things level out again. 

This blog entry isn’t designed to make you feel better or provide some magical solution.  What I AM doing is being honest and transparent with you.  I want you to see I don’t have it all together. I want you to know that all you feel and deal with is normal.  All of it.  EVERY. SINGLE. THOUGHT. AND. EMOTION.

Every one of us muddles through in our own way.  I like that we can do this, this way.  I once was told that as long as it’s not immoral or illegal, you can grieve any way you want.  Good advice. 

A large part of what gets me through is sitting in my chair and praying.  Another huge piece to my puzzle is resoundingly awesome friends who support me no matter what.  And it’s, of course, my faith that holds me together.  Faith is an anchor, not a crutch.

So while I’m feeling so uncertain about things today and most definitely uncertain about the future and the big decisions I will be facing in the next few years, I know it will all be possible and ultimately it will all be OK.  With my faith, my friends, my chair and prayer, I will keep getting stronger.  And however you choose to roll, you will too.

Peace & Blessings

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Marking the Years. . .

4 Years

Tomorrow (4/1/18) marks 4 years that my husband Tracy has been gone.  There are things about tomorrow that will be so very tough.  And then there are things about it, because it’s Easter, that make it not as tough.

My heart is definitely rejoicing that Tracy is healed and whole – no more cancer.   Gosh I hate cancer.   He fought it hard.  The last 3 months were very hard for me too.  With cancer, you literally watch the person diminish and die.  In the end you simply don’t want them to suffer any more.

But – while my heart rejoices that he’s healed, my heart is also extremely sad.  My mind goes back and replays the last 24 hours of life.  Sometimes I try to figure out if there was something more I should have done.  But really, I know there was not anything else I could have done.  And even if there was something that could have helped him stay longer, would that have been fair?  I don’t think so.  Perhaps the terrible pain on the day of marking is because I miss him so much – This is completely wrong – It was never supposed to be like this – I want him back.

So  much has happened since he passed.  There are 3 more grandchildren he never met.  It was so hard as I welcomed them alone.  And – I’m just so tired of being alone, doing everything alone.

Many call it the anniversary of their loved one’s death.  And yes, it is.  But – I don’t want to assign it as an anniversary.  Anniversaries should be happy, not filled with pain.  So I’m going to call it the day that marks his death.  Maybe there’s another word or phrase, but for now, this is what I’m calling it.  If any of you have something that works for you, please comment and share it with me.  If I like it better, I might just use it too.

So what’s the point of this blog entry?  This one is completely for me, I’m afraid.  I’m not even home as I write this.  I’m visiting my daughter, her husband and my sweet granddaughter.  They didn’t want me to be alone tomorrow.  I love my family.

I know there are widows & widowers that read my blog – so this is me working through what tomorrow is going to bring.  I pray that on the marked day of your loved one’s death, that God will hold you in His arms – that you will have good memories  – that you will have friends or family to spend it with – that you will remember this blog entry and know you are not alone in all you feel.

May the God of comfort & peace surround us all as we walk this grief journey.

 

 

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Grief 101 for Non-Grievers

Grief and Loss

While the Guide is not a grief booklet, grief & loss are the subjects at hand.

There’s an over abundance of books on grief.  Honestly most of them aren’t that helpful.  For example, the ones giving a definitive list of grief stages and the order of each stage. Not real – not helpful.

Grief is different for everyone.  You may or may not go through every single stage. And clearly, there’s no order whatsoever. The best advice I received     was – As long as it’s not illegal or immoral, you can grieve however you want.

So let’s talk about the elephant in the room. I don’t mean the death.  I DO mean what everyone else is trying to figure out when responding. People don’t know what to say, so sometimes they say the strangest things.  Someone needs to put all the funny comments & stories in a book.  Hilarious!!!!

So here’s some simple things to remember from one who has been there.  Some I learned from my experience of loss and others I learned from a variety of sources along the way.

  • Always OK & preferred to say, “I’m so sorry.”
  • No cliches – no matter how true.
  • Meet the person where they are. Allow them to be real. It’s not your job to cheer them up.
  • Know that grief is emotional, yes – but also psychological and physical.
  • Death grief is different than divorce grief.  Both are awful – but not the same.
  • Practice the ministry of presence – be there – stop talking – listen.
  • OK to talk about the deceased loved one.  Stories, reminiscing. . . acknowledging the impact of a life. This way the person lives on.

Of course there’s lots more, but you get the general idea.  You don’t need to fix it because quite honestly, there’s no fixing.  So take a deep breath, say a prayer and remember the points I just made.  You will be fine.  The fact that you showed up is huge – much bigger than you will every know. . .well, unless you end up the bereaved spouse one day.  And then you will totally “get it.”