Now What?

Do you ever find yourself asking that question?  If you lost a spouse, I know you have or are right now.

April will be 5 years for me.  I asked this question a lot the first 20+ months. . . . I find I’m asking it again.

Now what do I do?  Where am I going?  Who am I?

There’s so much floating all around me.  Oh – I have things I do, responsibilities and much to fill my days.  But I feel very much in my spirit as though something is changing. 

When we lose a spouse, we lose a big part of our definition.  Notice I didn’t say worth.  We are worth much!  Always have – always will.  But we lose the definition as others see us and how we view ourselves.

We were ____________’s wife/husband.  We had been married  _______ years.  We were part of a pair, a couple, a team.  It was us against the world.  We were a complete whole.

Now we live with a gaping hole.  Nothing really works to fill it.  Oh – maybe someday God will bring someone to fill that space and we will feel complete again.  But right now that’s yet to happen.  

This is just my take on the subject.  I don’t have a counseling degree.  I haven’t attended a seminary.  So all I can give you is my experience, my heart. 

What I’m discovering in this never-never land is, I believe, we can all start by remembering some basic things about ourselves that are true. 

Here’s some of what is true about me.  Maybe it will help you think about your truth.  Warning – some of this is faith centered.  While this isn’t a faith based blog, faith is the most significant piece of this girl’s puzzle.  It’s a big part of my story.  So it’s included in what is true about me. 

The reason I’m here – to serve others.   My Character – loving & care for people, compassionate, encouraging.   Positive things I’m doing – facilitating a grief group at church, reworking the Spouse Survivor Guide, going through the house to simplify and downsize, leading a singles group at church, teaching a Sunday School class, singing in choir, taking an online writing class.   Goal for life – making a difference in people’s lives, particularly the bereaved.   Where am I going?  I don’t know.

Looking at the truth about me helps me be patient as I watch my story unfold.

Take a few minutes and write out your truth.  I think you will see you’re doing a good deal of positive stuff.  Seeing it laid out on a piece of paper gives perspective. 

A friend recently reminded me that “there’s value in just BEING“.  I like that. . . . a lot.  I have a quote that I try to live by and obviously I need to repeat it to myself in this season.  “Who I am is more important than what I do”.  Where did I hear or read this?  No idea.  But I like this too. 

Another friend recently told me that right now I’m “not driving the bus, I’m just riding along”.  This fits.  I don’t want to do it forever, but it’s ok right now. 

The bottom line, I think, is both of us will be fine – you & me.  Eventually things will start lining up.  Ideas and direction will gel.  And for me, God will lay out more bread crumbs for me to follow.

The grief journey isn’t for sissies.  You and I are brave – really !!  Someday we will look back and realize just how brave we were.  We will also most likely see that pieces were coming together – pieces we can’t see right now. 

So hold on with me.  We will make it to the other side. . . . . we definitely will.