Grief 101 for Non-Grievers

Grief and Loss

While the Guide is not a grief booklet, grief & loss are the subjects at hand.

There’s an over abundance of books on grief.  Honestly most of them aren’t that helpful.  For example, the ones giving a definitive list of grief stages and the order of each stage. Not real – not helpful.

Grief is different for everyone.  You may or may not go through every single stage. And clearly, there’s no order whatsoever. The best advice I received     was – As long as it’s not illegal or immoral, you can grieve however you want.

So let’s talk about the elephant in the room. I don’t mean the death.  I DO mean what everyone else is trying to figure out when responding. People don’t know what to say, so sometimes they say the strangest things.  Someone needs to put all the funny comments & stories in a book.  Hilarious!!!!

So here’s some simple things to remember from one who has been there.  Some I learned from my experience of loss and others I learned from a variety of sources along the way.

• Always OK & preferred to say, “I’m so sorry.”
• No cliches – no matter how true.
• Meet the person where they are. Allow them to be real. It’s not your job to cheer them up.
• Know that grief is emotional, yes – but also psychological and physical.
• Death grief is different than divorce grief.  Both are awful – but not the same.
• Practice the ministry of presence – be there – stop talking – listen.
• OK to talk about the deceased loved one.  Stories, reminiscing. . . acknowledging the impact of a life. This way the person lives on.

Of course there’s lots more, but you get the general idea.  You don’t need to fix it because quite honestly, there’s no fixing.  So take a deep breath, say a prayer and remember the points I just made.  You will be fine.  The fact that you showed up is huge – much bigger than you will every know. . .well, unless you end up the bereaved spouse one day.  And then you will totally “get it.”