Category: Moving

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A Garage Tale

The garage was most definitely my husband’s domain.  All I had done, for the most part, was park there.  

As you know if you’ve read my posts, my husband, Tracy, died in 2014.  Then the garage  saw much more of me because I had to do “Tracy” things.  And, I spent lots more time there as I cleaned it out in preparation for my move this past March. But that certainly wasn’t much fun.

When we lose a spouse, we take on more responsibilities on our property.   If you are a guy, it might mean housekeeping duties and some cooking.  If you are a lady, it could mean lawn stuff and garage stuff.

I’m sure you can understand why spending time in the garage isn’t high on my list of cool things to do.  But – the last few days have been different.

Since moving, I had not settled the garage things because I needed a work bench to store items.  A few days ago it started coming together and it put a big smile on my face. 

I found a work bench on sale and my neighbor helped me put it together a couple Saturday’s ago.  My smile got bigger as I saw my vision of a workspace come to life. 

Next, my neighbor put together a shelf and pegboard above the work bench.  Boy did it look awesome! I couldn’t wait to unpack bins and boxes now there was a beautiful place with a spot for everything. 

The next day I bought small storage bins and various hooks for the pegboard.  I put on some music and began organizing and setting up the whole area.  It was so much fun that I lost track of time.  Why was I feeling so hungry?  I laughed at myself and went inside for some food.  

For a couple more days I sorted through screws, nails, nuts and washers. I found quite a few things  I’m sure only my husband knew what to do with for sure. But going through it all held a strong connection to Tracy. And that was a very good feeling. 

I found a great light to install under the shelf and over the workspace.  My neighbor installed it for me and presto – so much light!  Yes, I was grinning from ear to ear. Taking a few steps back to look at this new workspace thrilled me. This is MY space, My very own work bench area. I’m excited. In my new garage I have found joy after so much sadness. 

Would my husband like it?  Approve?  Well .  .  .  while I’m sure he would tweak it or move a few things around,  yes – I think he would approve.

I’m physically tired, but my heart is energized. 

There is something great about stepping out on your own and doing something that was squarely in your spouse’s lane, that is so fulfilling. I’m proud I was able to make it all come together.

How about you?  What have you done that is not typically in your lane? Have you felt like I did?

Whatever you’ve conquered/done by yourself – – – Congratulations !!!!! (balloons – confetti – noisemakers)

I KNOW how hard it is to move forward & do something that’s NOT in your wheelhouse.   So hard. 

But you did it !!!     I did it !!!     We did it !!!

This journey is beyond difficult.  Others have no idea how truly tough it is.  But we know &  can celebrate each other. 

So bask in the moment.  We totally rock!!

Peace & Blessings………………………and Joy !

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I’m Tired Of Being Brave

Bravery Fatigue – that’s what I have going on these days.  You too??

I’m not sure, but I think this bravery fatigue might be somewhat cumulative.  Then again, I believe it’s intensified because of the pandemic.  Goodness – this pandemic has fatigued everyone for one reason or another.  We are all tired. . . so tired. 

My story – 6 1/2 years long at this point. . .emphasis on the word long.  And even as I write that, I know there are others widowed that have walked this grief journey a lot longer.  I salute all of you !!

We, the widowed, have to make life decisions – decisions so very gigantic – we make them alone for the first time in our adult life.  I am ever grateful that God helped me remember the logistics of past life decisions my husband & I made over our 37 1/2 years together.  I’m also very thankful for the people with specific expertise along the way.  I believe God had us cross paths in order to add to my wisdom quotient.  Believe me, I needed it. 

This year is perhaps the straw that is breaking this camel’s back. 

In March, I moved from St. Louis, MO to Louisville, KY.  Mind you, that is after all the huge decisions & hurdles in 2019/early 2020 – deciding where to move, much downsizing, signing to begin building a home, deciding on a realtor, researching the market, vetting a mover, all the move prep – packing boxes, disassembling furniture, deciding what can go in my car/my friend’s car – oh and then the week of the physical move – physically exhausting. 

I get to Louisville and everything shuts down – everything. I can’t even see family for awhile.  

I’ve left my solid support system and am now living in the desert. 

Initially it didn’t bother me too much, but as things have dragged on with no end in sight. . . well, that wears on a person. 

Additional stress came after the physical move. . .selling my St. Louis home, closing out MO tax stuff for my business, starting up tax stuff in KY, and drivers license & plates (took    7 months). . .and much more.

And now, plowing into starting over, entering as a nobody – no one knows my history or anything I’ve done – not that I’m looking for any kind of fame – just credibility.

The worst part?  Not knowing what to do next.  God has been quite silent about this.  My head understands I can trust Him & that He has a plan.  My heart hasn’t caught up.  I like to say – I know God has a plan, I just don’t like this part. Truth. 

Please understand I don’t want to know the whole picture.  I’m just looking for direction for where to focus.  Maybe you are looking for that too.  Often on this journey, we find ourselves in the oddest of places, don’t we?

Focusing on the road before us as widows & widowers…and then  bravery fatigue.  We have been brave for so long.  We have stepped up, moved forward, made decisions. . .and we are tired. 

So I’m talking to me as much as I am to you. We get each other.  We understand where others outside of our walk do not. 

Find strength in calling it what it is.  This really does help.  And then lay down your sword for a few – a few minutes, hours, days.  Then pick it back up and take a step forward.  Even when we don’t know what’s next we can do what we know – right here, right now. 

Me?  I’m going to focus on my writing.  While I do that, I’ll keep listening for God’s voice – His prompting.  I’m going to trust – believe – hope. 

That’s what I offer to you friend. 

Lay down your sword – rest – pick it back up – take a step – do what you know – listen for God’s prompting. 

My dear fellow grief travelers. . .I’m sending you peace & blessings.

 

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Unexpected stuff. . .think Bermuda Triangle.

What an ominous title, right?  

So continuing on the “moving” theme, let me share some unexpected stuff that has happened and is still happening.  Don’t let this discourage you !!!!  Not at all !!!   

I’m baring my heart to you, knowing that even in other circumstances & scenarios, someone widowed out there will understand.  This is also to give you a heads up.  I want to let you in on this so when it happens to you, you will think – hmm, Debbie went through something similar – and it’s going to be OK.

Let me state this again – – – – don’t be discouraged !!!  You will get through it and be ok.  I believe that we will all get through whatever this grief journey throws at us and we will actually be stronger. 

But in the meantime, here’s what I’ve been experiencing.  

As I wrote before, I moved from St. Louis to Louisville mid-March,  right at the very beginning of Covid.  And again – I don’t recommend moving during a pandemic.  But that’s where I’m coming from here. . .

The Bermuda Triangle idea didn’t happen right away.  First of all I spent 10 days unpacking, breaking down boxes and putting things away.  I was putting in 10 hour days and sleeping pretty long at night, which is a huge blessing for me.  Yes – at the beginning, I had lots to do, and emotionally I was happy to be in my new home.

However – – – as time went on, there were so many things that weighed heavily on me.  I was working with my realtor on selling my St. Louis house – during Covid – oh boy, not a fan.  I was spending hours & hours online researching house things to buy – rugs, shower curtains, bar stools, back porch furniture, front porch bench etc. etc.   I was dealing with the sadness of missing my previous home, neighborhood, church, friends. . . .   Also – I was experiencing deep grief over leaving my previous life behind – the one with my husband.  And – leaving him buried in the national cemetery in St. Louis.  Plus, how ironic!  I moved to be near family, but we couldn’t be together – because of Covid.  No hugs, no spending time together, and seeing my grandchildren only in my driveway with them buckled in their seats.  Heartbreaking. 

You see – it’s all the tangible and intangible things.  And they occasionally intersect in one common place……my Bermuda Triangle. 

There have been mornings that I sat in my glider rocker sobbing and pouring out my heart to God.  Any of the things going on in my Bermuda Triangle individually were not overwhelming.   Pile them all together – overwhelming.  

How grateful I am that this hasn’t happened a whole lot nor frequently.  But friend, can I just be honest here?  When it happens. . .oh my goodness, how awful.  Truly awful.  And crushing. . . 

One of the things each of us has experienced is crushing from grief.  Even though I’m 6+ years out from my husband’s death, I still have my moments.  Gosh I hope that’s not discouraging for you.  We all hope & pray that grief diminishes over time and isn’t so crushing.  I can say that it is indeed better, even though better isn’t the best word.  

Maybe in a strange sort of way, this post will be encouraging to you in this way.  You will know that someone else experiences this crushing from time to time.  It means you are normal !  Totally normal.  And from my perspective, that is so helpful.  I’m going. . .you are going. . . where we have never been before.  It’s meaningful to talk to someone who is further down the road.  Hopefully I can be that someone for you.  

As I write this, my St. Louis home is close to closing – Hallelujah !!!  But I’m still dealing with emails or phone calls where the realtor or person at the title company needs some sort of documentation etc. etc. etc. – so much etc. etc. etc.  And I’m still experiencing the grief of leaving a place that was home for 11 1/2 years, dear friends and the familiarity of so much.  It really does cause pain in my spirit to close this door, not only the physical move, but the door on my first life.  

I must also add that there is future uncertainty that feels daunting & just way too vague.  How do I figure out what I’m supposed to do in this next chapter?  I’m very much asking the question – what am I going be when I grow up?  Do I want to get a part time job?  And where in the world would I want to work?  I’m in a new city where I’m not connected yet. Or do I focus on writing, working at my online writing course and my blogs?  

As I look at all I just wrote, maybe the hardest part to it all is that nothing in my life, or anyone’s life, is normal right now.  Covid has really messed with normal ! I’m so thankful things are opening up and we are ramping back up, but the truth is, we are still in the thick of this pandemic where life is most definitely not normal.  

Gosh, I really need to land this plane.  And I’m sure you are hoping that I have some magical solution.  Alas, I do not.  

What I do have is a simple suggestion I read in a book somewhere that said it was greatly beneficial to write down positive things even in the midst of negative circumstances like my Bermuda Triangle.  

I have not written them down at this point, but I have taken the time to list them mentally.  It actually helps !  I remember an old hymn that says – Count Your Many Blessings, Name Them One by One.  That’s the whole idea – instead of focusing on the stress, the negative, the uncertainty – focus on the positive, the blessings, the good – the really good things that we all can list.  

Our loss doesn’t define us, yet it is part of who we are now.  But so many good things are happening even in Covid.  Let’s grab ahold of those wonderfully good things.  Let me help you just a bit by giving you a peek at a tiny part of my list. 

I’m thankful for:  family – near & far that I connect with in person but especially through use of technology,  Face Time  & Zoom calls,  a lovely new home,  selling my St. Louis house in less than a month,  dear friends that connect with me in several ways though not geographically close,  and time…………the spaciousness of time, which I have never had before – to figure things out, to sit quietly and ponder, to read books that I’ve had stacked for a long time, to try new recipes and get used to working in my new kitchen etc. etc. etc.  

Let’s try to do this – list the good and let that encourage your heart.  Then turn and battle the stressful and not so good.  

We can do this dear ones.  We really can.  We really will. . . . . . Hugs to every one of you.  Big virtual hug !!!!  

 

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I’m back. . .here’s what’s happened

Wow! I haven’t posted on Beyond Ashes since November.  That’s a long time!  Let me tell you what’s been happening. 

Remember I talked about moving?  Well, I did it.  The last few months have been grueling to say the least.  While I’ve had invaluable help from a neighbor, a mechanic friend & a few guys from church, the rest of…..well, everything……has been done by me.  Yes…………I am tired. 

Widow or not, it’s been beyond difficult & definitely overwhelming.  Even though it’s my 14th move, it is the first one done completely alone in 40 years.  So….as you can imagine, I’m physically, psychologically and emotionally spent. 

But what I want to encourage you with is this – moving is totally possible.  And don’t tell yourself that you can’t do it – YOU CAN !!!   

My advice, now that I’m on the other side is – think it through, pray about it, do your homework & then do more homework, and take help/look for help with every aspect – – – financial planning, logistics, selling stuff, hauling stuff away, buying/selling, etc. etc.  Every part as it comes along the way – pick someone’s brain.  We don’t realize it till we need it, but there are people all around us with a wealth of experience & knowledge.  I believe God places them in our life to help with all the stuff that is unknown to us.  After all, we used to be two people – two brains with knowledge – two people juggling all the details – two people which meant accountability.  So. . . . don’t be afraid, and make a list of people who can help with whatever. 

Where was I?  St. Louis.  Where am I now?  Louisville, KY.  Reason??  To be near family.  My son & family live about 15 minutes away.  My daughter & family are now only one day drive away & $150 less airfare round trip.  The irony???  This crazy Covid-19.  Yep – in addition to the trauma of moving – let’s just add a virus that has mega complicated life.  But I’m doing it.  There was a little planning ahead which helped.  I had family that brought some food initially, as well as a fabulous daughter-in-love who stocked my refrigerator & provided peanut butter etc. for me – BIG Thanks!  

This is what I want you to see.  Please don’t look at me as some sort of Superwoman.  I. Am. Not.  I want you to see that should you feel a move is the right thing to do, it is possible & you are able to get through it.  You will be afraid at times, that’s normal.  But I promise, you will make it through.  Reach out to friends at church, neighbors, colleagues – everyone in your sphere of influence.  Encouragers – look for those in your life that encourage you – the for real kind, not the kind that is just lip service.  They will help you be brave & courageous.  Not only that, but as one who has traveled this arduous journey – I Believe In You !!!!!! 

So there you have it – – – – – finally a post from me & an explanation.  I’m sure you can understand why I’ve been a little over my head for a few months.  I will try to be more faithful sharing more that ties into the grief journey – because this move has unearthed things connected to grief that I had not considered, or thought I had dealt with before.  Grief…………….doesn’t play fair.  But we can get through that too………….together.  

Peace & Blessings to all of you……………….

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Don’t Go Too Fast

This is written purely from my own experience, so don’t think you need to do anything I have done, nor should you feel like you are doing something wrong – you’re not.  

What I want to share today is how sometimes as we work hard to move forward, be brave & courageous, we get overwhelmed & crash because we are trying to go too fast. 

I am preparing to move in a few months.  Going through 40 years of stuff is daunting, to say the least.  It’s such a tough process selling things and carting car load after car load to Goodwill.  Truthfully, there’s been lots I’ve pitched as well.  And while getting rid of so much has actually felt good, the enormity of what I’m doing got to me the other day. 

In addition to what I’ve already mentioned, there’s juggling so many details buying and selling.  Gosh I miss my husband for all that.  My brain just gets overloaded – totally maxed out.  Especially when thinking too far ahead.  Gets me in trouble – every. single. time.

A couple days ago, I got up as usual and started to get rolling, sitting in my Canadian rocker & sipping my coffee.  It’s a good way to greet the morning and get a little caffeine charge.  

At first I didn’t know why I was feeling so sluggish.  Even the coffee wasn’t helping.  Then the tears started.  It was definitely wrapped up in grief, but it went deeper.  

I was crashing from so many things happening in October.  3 contractors doing minor repairs on the house, selling, donating, planning, plus keeping up with all the commitments I already had on my plate.  My head & heart simply needed stop…………….work through emotions, prayers of thanks, prayers for continued help, and breathing………..I needed to just breathe. 

That whole day, while I did actually accomplish a very short list of things, I fought to give myself some slack.  I needed to constantly remind myself of ALL that had been accomplished that month.  I even allowed myself some closed eye time in my favorite chair in the afternoon…………..because tears and a banged up heart are exhausting. 

So cut yourself some slack too.  You have my permission!!  And I know – – it’s so darn hard to rest, to feel like you have to keep going………….but that’s a lie from our culture that says you are valued for what you do.  

My motto is:  Who I am is more important than what I do. . 

Not original with me…………..but I honestly don’t remember where I heard it first.  Perhaps it’s that wonderful person, Anonymous.  

So dear person reading this who needs to stop for a bit & breathe – to allow for tears from grief and being overwhelmed – to just plain rest…………………………….go ahead.  It is hard to take the time, but the time is SO worth it.  

And moving forward…………………….remember……………don’t go too fast.

Peace……………………….

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Big Decisions

It’s been far too long since I wrote about my grief journey in this blog.  And for that, I truly apologize.  

Life has been crazy busy and BIG life decisions have consumed my days, my thoughts,  my moments…………….every waking moment as well as some when I’m not so awake.

I’ve written about life decisions before and changes as far as moving.  Well. . . I’m moving.  So much has happened in the past 10 months.  No need to give every detail, but here’s a quick synopsis.

In November 2018, my dear grown children & their wonderful spouses told me they would like me to live near one of their families.  They said, we love you Mom and want to take care of you.  How sweet & endearing is that?  It was also a shock.  I had not actually considered that before.  

I let it ride for a couple months and prayed about it.  If I was going to go through this huge undertaking – downsizing after 40 – my heart needed to be on board.  Finally by March 2019, my heart had changed & I was ready to get rid of stuff and start looking for a home. 

From April to June I looked at existing homes and vetted 3 builders.  Nothing seemed to work except one model at a builder.   I still needed to know this was it.  At one point I realized that this one floor plan and neighborhood felt like home and was the right one.

So I’m in the midst of meeting with the builder, making choices etc.   They will break ground next month, October, and be done late February.  

Much has been sold or gotten rid of so far, but there is much to either sell or get rid of…………still.  40 years is quite a span to accumulate.  But even in this, my heart is ready to downsize.  

And grief wise????  I’ve only had a couple things that have tugged at my heart.  There is something about the timing of this………………….the change of my heart…………….and how things are falling together.   Somehow it’s just right. 

Lest you think I’m stoic and unfeeling, I assure you I’m crying through the whole deal.  It’s impossible to adequately describe, but joy and sorrow can co-exist.   It just does.  

From my widow’s perspective………………..I see this as God closing the door on my first life and giving me a fresh start.  I don’t know what the next season of my life will look like, but I’m ready to find out.  

There are those reading this who can’t imagine what I’m doing – and that’s perfectly fine.  It’s not your time, and it may never be your time.  That’s the thing about each one of us…………..we are completely unique like snowflakes.  Our grief journeys are totally unique.  And yet in our singular experiences, we bond because of extraordinary loss.  

So as I raise my glass in honor of your journey, please raise your glass in honor of mine……………….and please pray I will have the wisdom and strength to handle everything, make all the decisions, and physically get through this tough life change.  I had a sweet woman who is just a bit on the other side of doing this exact thing after 40 years of marriage tell me – once you get on the other side, you will be SO glad you did.  Ah………………….a cheerleader – just what I needed.  

May God send you a cheerleader or two as you make big decisions on your grief journey.  I sincerely hope you have a church family and friends to surround you with love and encouragement. 

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Changes………To Move or Not to Move……..

Changes can be good or bad – easy or difficult.  On this grief journey, we encounter massive changes at first.  Our spouse dies and every – single – thing – changes.  It’s not easy, but we muddle through. 

Time passes and along the way we are faced with more changes.  One change may be the decision to move. . . . . .or not.

What have you done in the moving department?  Stayed in your home? Moved to a smaller place?  Moved to live closer to your children?  Or has it been a combination?  Maybe you stayed in your home for a year or so and then moved. 

I chose to stay in my home initially.  Over the years I had seen widows make big changes like moving too soon only to regret it later.  So I knew better.  It was comforting to put that decision off indefinitely.

But now I’m about 5 years in and the subject is looming large.  My home is quite big for one person and my property is challenging for me as I age.  The land is not flat.  There are steep places that make my legs unhappy.  So last year at 61, I opted for a lawn service taking over the mowing, trimming and edging.  It wasn’t easy making that decision because it meant an extra expense.  But what a burden lifted !  So this change. . .good, very good.

But back to moving. . .because I know a move is coming, I am going through the house for the third time since my husband died, getting rid of lots.  A move will require downsizing much more, but things I part with now will make it easier later on.

For now, I’m thinking things through and honestly I’m praying about it a bunch too.  Where do I want to be?  What feels right?  

You may be thinking about a move too.  Maybe not this year, but perhaps next?  You may be trying to figure out whether to stay in your area or move near family.  These are daunting decisions. So take your time……..think it through and know somewhere deep inside that it’s the right decision. 

This time next year life will most likely look very different for me and possibly for you. 

Why in the world am I writing in the blog about this?  Because it’s something every one of us will face at some point.  And because if nothing else, it’s sharing an experience with you.  Maybe, just maybe, something I share will help you.  No idea how, but you just never know.

Feel free to comment.  I would love to know what choices you are making – what change you are facing – how you have navigated a move.

Cheers to us all as we figure out this new life.