What an ominous title, right?
So continuing on the “moving” theme, let me share some unexpected stuff that has happened and is still happening. Don’t let this discourage you !!!! Not at all !!!
I’m baring my heart to you, knowing that even in other circumstances & scenarios, someone widowed out there will understand. This is also to give you a heads up. I want to let you in on this so when it happens to you, you will think – hmm, Debbie went through something similar – and it’s going to be OK.
Let me state this again – – – – don’t be discouraged !!! You will get through it and be ok. I believe that we will all get through whatever this grief journey throws at us and we will actually be stronger.
But in the meantime, here’s what I’ve been experiencing.
As I wrote before, I moved from St. Louis to Louisville mid-March, right at the very beginning of Covid. And again – I don’t recommend moving during a pandemic. But that’s where I’m coming from here. . .
The Bermuda Triangle idea didn’t happen right away. First of all I spent 10 days unpacking, breaking down boxes and putting things away. I was putting in 10 hour days and sleeping pretty long at night, which is a huge blessing for me. Yes – at the beginning, I had lots to do, and emotionally I was happy to be in my new home.
However – – – as time went on, there were so many things that weighed heavily on me. I was working with my realtor on selling my St. Louis house – during Covid – oh boy, not a fan. I was spending hours & hours online researching house things to buy – rugs, shower curtains, bar stools, back porch furniture, front porch bench etc. etc. I was dealing with the sadness of missing my previous home, neighborhood, church, friends. . . . Also – I was experiencing deep grief over leaving my previous life behind – the one with my husband. And – leaving him buried in the national cemetery in St. Louis. Plus, how ironic! I moved to be near family, but we couldn’t be together – because of Covid. No hugs, no spending time together, and seeing my grandchildren only in my driveway with them buckled in their seats. Heartbreaking.
You see – it’s all the tangible and intangible things. And they occasionally intersect in one common place……my Bermuda Triangle.
There have been mornings that I sat in my glider rocker sobbing and pouring out my heart to God. Any of the things going on in my Bermuda Triangle individually were not overwhelming. Pile them all together – overwhelming.
How grateful I am that this hasn’t happened a whole lot nor frequently. But friend, can I just be honest here? When it happens. . .oh my goodness, how awful. Truly awful. And crushing. . .
One of the things each of us has experienced is crushing from grief. Even though I’m 6+ years out from my husband’s death, I still have my moments. Gosh I hope that’s not discouraging for you. We all hope & pray that grief diminishes over time and isn’t so crushing. I can say that it is indeed better, even though better isn’t the best word.
Maybe in a strange sort of way, this post will be encouraging to you in this way. You will know that someone else experiences this crushing from time to time. It means you are normal ! Totally normal. And from my perspective, that is so helpful. I’m going. . .you are going. . . where we have never been before. It’s meaningful to talk to someone who is further down the road. Hopefully I can be that someone for you.
As I write this, my St. Louis home is close to closing – Hallelujah !!! But I’m still dealing with emails or phone calls where the realtor or person at the title company needs some sort of documentation etc. etc. etc. – so much etc. etc. etc. And I’m still experiencing the grief of leaving a place that was home for 11 1/2 years, dear friends and the familiarity of so much. It really does cause pain in my spirit to close this door, not only the physical move, but the door on my first life.
I must also add that there is future uncertainty that feels daunting & just way too vague. How do I figure out what I’m supposed to do in this next chapter? I’m very much asking the question – what am I going be when I grow up? Do I want to get a part time job? And where in the world would I want to work? I’m in a new city where I’m not connected yet. Or do I focus on writing, working at my online writing course and my blogs?
As I look at all I just wrote, maybe the hardest part to it all is that nothing in my life, or anyone’s life, is normal right now. Covid has really messed with normal ! I’m so thankful things are opening up and we are ramping back up, but the truth is, we are still in the thick of this pandemic where life is most definitely not normal.
Gosh, I really need to land this plane. And I’m sure you are hoping that I have some magical solution. Alas, I do not.
What I do have is a simple suggestion I read in a book somewhere that said it was greatly beneficial to write down positive things even in the midst of negative circumstances like my Bermuda Triangle.
I have not written them down at this point, but I have taken the time to list them mentally. It actually helps ! I remember an old hymn that says – Count Your Many Blessings, Name Them One by One. That’s the whole idea – instead of focusing on the stress, the negative, the uncertainty – focus on the positive, the blessings, the good – the really good things that we all can list.
Our loss doesn’t define us, yet it is part of who we are now. But so many good things are happening even in Covid. Let’s grab ahold of those wonderfully good things. Let me help you just a bit by giving you a peek at a tiny part of my list.
I’m thankful for: family – near & far that I connect with in person but especially through use of technology, Face Time & Zoom calls, a lovely new home, selling my St. Louis house in less than a month, dear friends that connect with me in several ways though not geographically close, and time…………the spaciousness of time, which I have never had before – to figure things out, to sit quietly and ponder, to read books that I’ve had stacked for a long time, to try new recipes and get used to working in my new kitchen etc. etc. etc.
Let’s try to do this – list the good and let that encourage your heart. Then turn and battle the stressful and not so good.
We can do this dear ones. We really can. We really will. . . . . . Hugs to every one of you. Big virtual hug !!!!