When we lose the other half of ourselves and absolutely nothing is the same, there’s fear. Sometimes it truly is “scaring the crap out of us” fear. And sometimes (more often than not for me) it’s “fear of the unknown – not knowing what to do next – fear of making a poor decision alone” type of fear.
During the first year after my husband died, I did everything I could to hold onto anything I could keep the same. Not only is that a healthy thing to do, it’s the logical thing in light of such great loss.
But as each year rolls by, there are moments, sometimes pockets or seasons of time, that cause me to retreat to my favorite chair and crumble. I have to let it all out and pray it through. Most of the time I get up out of the chair and feel better by some measure. Other times I my feel less burdened, but as I rise out of my chair, I simply take one step at a time and do so fearful and overwhelmed. Somewhere along the way, the fear eases and things level out again.
This blog entry isn’t designed to make you feel better or provide some magical solution. What I AM doing is being honest and transparent with you. I want you to see I don’t have it all together. I want you to know that all you feel and deal with is normal. All of it. EVERY. SINGLE. THOUGHT. AND. EMOTION.
Every one of us muddles through in our own way. I like that we can do this, this way. I once was told that as long as it’s not immoral or illegal, you can grieve any way you want. Good advice.
A large part of what gets me through is sitting in my chair and praying. Another huge piece to my puzzle is resoundingly awesome friends who support me no matter what. And it’s, of course, my faith that holds me together. Faith is an anchor, not a crutch.
So while I’m feeling so uncertain about things today and most definitely uncertain about the future and the big decisions I will be facing in the next few years, I know it will all be possible and ultimately it will all be OK. With my faith, my friends, my chair and prayer, I will keep getting stronger. And however you choose to roll, you will too.
Peace & Blessings