Deathiversary
Believe it or not, that is truly a word. I promise – not a joke. It’s in the Urban Dictionary online. Yeah…………..I did go looking for it. Actually, I was just looking for a word besides anniversary – or death day. Not sure I’ll stick with this one, but it struck me as a good one to use for this post. So humor me – ok?
Yesterday. 4/1/2021 My husband Tracy’s deathiversary. 7 years. Wow…….I can’t believe it’s been 7 years. In my heart and head I do feel like it’s more than a year – but 7 years? Seriously? (SMH)
Every year is different. Some have been worse than others. Some have been full and easier to take than others. Last year, 2020, well – you can imagine how awful that was. Not the whole day, mind you, but a significant part for sure. Everything was shut down so I couldn’t really go much of anywhere, and somehow going to the grocery store wasn’t at the top of my fun list.
Yesterday was quite good till I went to bed. And then the weight of the day crashed in. I’m pretty sure many of you have had this happen. While I do understand the reason behind last night’s sob fest, what I don’t understand is when the wave crashes unexpectedly with no trigger. But that’s probably a subject for another post. For now – I will focus on the deathiversary smash.
I had spent a little time reading, turned out the light and began my prayer like always. The thing is, I got a bit stuck thanking God for the day. I was truly thankful for the day, but somehow the day itself was connected with a day of pain beyond explanation 7 years ago. The only way I could get through it to the other side was to talk it through with God. There was heartbroken honesty and some questions asked. How thankful I am that God listens and understands. In scripture He is called the God of all comfort. It’s true. Do my questions get answered ? No, and probably not this side of heaven. Does it really solve anything? No – but something does happen. I think it’s that I feel validated, listened-to, understood. And that does make a difference. In the end, I believe it’s simply needful to talk it out. Holding it in makes the torture go on and on. But speaking it out loud, or at a sobbing whisper, means something. It’s not dangling out there in the air, it has made it non-stop to the throne of grace. And through the unbroken connection between the throne & me, love pours through. The listening part is what helps the most I think. I’m sure God is thinking, ‘here she’s comes again with the grief wave’. But He listens anyway.
And don’t we do that with our children? We want them to come to us a gazillion times with their heartaches. We listen. We understand that what they are going through is hard and sometimes not fair. We hold them, we hug them, we comfort them. Well – that’s what God does. He listens. He holds me. He hugs me. He comforts me. And finally at long last, I sleep.
Truth be told, my face feels swollen in the morning & I’m running low on my sleep meter. But I feel like some of the toxic grief has left me and I can begin a new day. Technically the first day of the 8th year. Yikes………….ok I need to land this plane or I’m going to feel discouraged again.
So how do you handle your deathiversary? Have you had ups and downs? Have you experienced God’s amazing grace, listening and comfort? Tell me about it. It doesn’t matter how long for you – the deathiversary comes every year. 1, 4, 7, 15 +. Talk to me. How did you deal with the last one? How are you going to deal with the one coming up?
No matter your loss – No matter how fresh or how long, my heart is with you. I’m listening, giving a virtual hug and sharing a word of encouragement. Here’s something that resonates with me. . . . . .
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
That’s the God who listens and esteems our tears greatly. I pray it blesses you to know that.
Peace & Blessings