Tag: tears

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Lamenting…………and a Book Suggestion

         Psalm 10 – Psalm 77 – Psalm 13

Lament…………………..do you know about lament?

I really didn’t understand what was meant by lament – at least not for a Christian. Lament according to Webster is the expression of sorrow – the mourning, wailing, crying loudly.  But for the Christian, the definition is a bit different. 

Here’s where I suggest a very good book on Christian lament.  The title?            Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop.  It’s been an very eye-opening book for me.  Let me try to explain why. 

The past 2+ years I have been experiencing a different kind of grief – or maybe it would be more accurate to say a different season of grief that now I think is really lament. 

The book explains lament way better than I could, so I will use short excerpts from the book.

“Lament is a prayer in pain that leads to trust.”

Lament “usually includes 4 key elements: (1) an address to God, (2) a complaint, (3) a request, and (4) an expression of trust and/or praise.”

“Lament is the honest cry of  hurting heart wrestling with the paradox of pain and the promise of God’s goodness.”

So you see, it is different than melting into a bucket of tears, which is what happens to us especially for the first few years………but we all know that this pops up as time goes on.  We all know we don’t “get over” grief or completely heal this side of heaven.  But, the lion’s share of this happens early.  Just an aside – I believe this is God’s grace.  How can I say that?  I believe if God allowed us to feel the full weight of the pain of grief in the first week or so that we would actually die.  I don’t believe our human frame could take it. And so, God allows the buckets for awhile, but then they are more manageable containers.  We are able to cry it through, and work through that moment, or that hour, or that difficult day or night.  God’s grace.  It’s a way He shows His love for us & His compassion. 

Back to lament………..so maybe the best way to help you is to be transparent about my lamenting over the recent past, and is still very much present. 

It is me asking hard questions that stem from watching others widowed find their second chapter or it might be watching the frightening spiral of culture, our country etc. etc. and realizing I may walk this darkness alone till He returns.  And yes – I know I’m not alone when I have God/Jesus/Holy Spirit.  Truly, they are the only thing that holds me together sometimes.  Dark – it’s so dark, and getting darker by the day.

It’s me wrestling with the “paradox of pain and the promise of God’s goodness.”   It’s a word I learned recently.  Theodicy.  Defense of God’s goodness and omnipotence in view of the existence of evil (Webster)  

It’s asking God where my restoration is, when will the intense pain stop, how long Lord?  Then when I’m deep in the weeds with this, I think of others whose suffering is physical and unending, and I wonder if I have a leg to stand on in my lament to God. In the end, I believe we all go through crucibles of our own, whether physical or emotional or spiritual.  And as Christians, the difference for us is the Rock on which we stand.  I must remember that while my feelings are very real, they are often not true.  So how can I know??

How we know our feelings aren’t true is to line them up with the Truth of scripture.  We don’t have our own truth – there is only one Truth.  Our pain, whatever it is, doesn’t get the final word – God does. 

The Psalms are so encouraging to me.  I believed that’s why it’s the “go to” scripture for anyone experiencing a tough emotion. David lays it all out – over & over again. I love that about him. God had him do that for our benefit. David was a man after God’s own heart, but he still struggled with pain, with theodicy.

Am I rolling out of this lament ?  The simple answer is no.  I do, however, see God teaching me things.  And I know from walking with the Lord for lots of years, He’s got a purpose in my pain. I also know that He loves when I praise Him even when I’m crying and asking questions. I love that about Him. He is my heavenly Father and I can come to Him messy & broken.  Good thing, because I am………….alot these days.   You too?  

Be encouraged friend. Go to the Psalms I listed at the beginning of this post.  That’s a great starting point.  Keep talking to God. Bring Him your questions, your pain. Ask Him to teach you things through this. Trust Him. Praise Him. Watch what He does. Friend, He is our solid Rock. Everything else is sinking sand.  This pain isn’t for nothing.  God doesn’t waste anything. Hold onto hope. Hold onto the Savior.  Lament it out dear friends…………….

Sending you hugs……………………Peace & Blessings…………

 

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When The Bough Really Does Break

The last 4 1/2 weeks or so have been crushing.  I didn’t fully understand the cumulative impact until this past Thursday.  And – because you will at some point encounter cumulative grief, I want to share my experience of the bough breaking.  If you have already experienced this, be on the lookout for it happening again in your own life, certainly, but pay attention to those around you who have not experienced it yet.  If it’s possible, be there for them. 

My breaking bough happened this past Wednesday night after my counseling class.  But before I explain what happened, here’s the timeline leading to that. 

On August 7th, I lost a dear woman that I used to sing with in choir and do bible study with in my former church in Missouri.  It was really difficult and heartbreaking that I could not travel back for the funeral.  The next one was particularly crushing. #1

On August 17th, I lost my best friend in the Air Force, a fellow Command Spouse, and heart of my heart in so many ways.  She was 4 years younger than me.  Oh – cancer, you are just so awful.  This one was and is very painful.  Sometimes it simply doesn’t seem real.  And yet – I was there for the visitation, the funeral, and the aftermath with the widower.  Heavy………..oh, so heavy. #2

Then September 6th, I lost a sweet gentleman that I used to sing with in choir and ensembles at my former church in Missouri.  UGH!!  Another choir member…………..  My heart broke and I grieved that loss……#3

September 7th, the husband of a co-worker at Altus AFB Chapel died from Covid.  He was a squadron member back when we were stationed in Altus.  53  Yeah………53.   #4

4. . . .count them, 4.  But that isn’t all that was happening.  

Afghanistan happened.  The mismanaged withdrawal happened.  Leaving Americans happened.  Loss of 13 servicemen happened.  Memories from the past 20 years……………….knowing they all/ we all made a difference……… but I’m upset and angry over how this has been executed.  It’s a different kind of grief….but grief nonetheless. And pre-grief – – for what this is setting in motion – terrorist events yet to be. 

Finally, there’s my biblical counseling class on Wednesday nights.  The section we have been covering is on marriage.  Honestly, for the most part it has been ok.  I’ve looked at it academically and keyed in on pivotal verses from scripture that not only show us how we are to live as husbands & wives, but as believers – Christ followers.  This past Wednesday night was the final module in the section.  

There was not specific trigger.  Nothing in particular was hard to hear.  But I believe the cumulative pile of grief was pushed over the edge with all the marriage do’s & don’ts talk.  About 3/4 through the class I felt it coming.  Eyes began to tear and the pain in my chest was becoming unbearable.  The bough was about to break. 

No, I told God.  Not here, not now.  Lord, help me hold it together till I can get out of here.  And He did.  God is so faithful.  He continues to rescue me from tangible as well as intangible.  

I made it to my car and then water started flowing out of my eyes.  My heart felt physical pain.  I was feeling crushed – completely crushed.  I drove all the way home………crying.  And it continued for awhile.  The bough broke.

Sleep didn’t come easy, even though the crying had stopped.  I wasn’t depressed.  My heart hurt and felt heavy.  Reading wasn’t easy either.  And I didn’t want to watch tv.  So I laid there and prayed, I poured out my heart to God and cried a bit more.  I’ve learned that in the arms of Jesus is the only truly safe place I can do this.  It is the only place I feel comfort.  He is my strong tower and I run to Him.  He would walk me through this intense grief and bring me out on the other side.  I’ve walked this before with Him.  I knew He was the only unchanging, faithful One who could get me through.  

And He did.  I finally fell asleep and woke up at my regular time without the alarm.  A short night.  I thought to myself, I will need to catch a power nap today.  But you know what?  I didn’t.  My heart wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t heavy anymore.  My thoughts were clearer and I was again walking in strength and confidence.  

This blog isn’t Christian faith focused, but I’m making an exception in this post.  My faith is the reason I have not only survived, but moved forward better than I ever thought possible.  My faith is the foundation upon which I stand.  And – statistics prove that a person of any kind of faith, meets life’s challenges & tragedies better than one with no faith, no hope.  I have faith.  I have hope – a know-so hope, not a hope-so hope. 

I’m not talking religion.  There are those who try to put me in a box and say I am “religious”.  I’m not religious, I’m faithful.  I have a relationship, not a religion.  The denomination where I attend is not the denomination I have always attended.  I’m a Christ-follower.  I adhere, for the most part, to a schedule for worship and participating at my church, but I’m not there every time they open the door.  I’m not checking off to-do boxes, I’m participating in corporate worship, private worship, and ministering to the body of Christ.  It is a lifestyle of faith. 

Why am I pointing this out?  Because I fully believe that when the bough broke Wednesday night, it was God’s grace.  He knew I needed a safety valve to open and vent off the overwhelming sadness and pain that was captured inside me.  Grief is work, and this was some work I needed to do.  The tears I cried are tears I won’t have to cry again.  The tears of the future are different. Their healing part is yet to happen. 

In addition, I want you to understand that on this side, I am thankful for the crushing break of the bough Wednesday night.  I want you to see that terrible pain can lead to wonderful healing and greater insight.  I believe it also gives you what you need not just for today, but for your future breaking boughs.  And – – – it puts you in a position to help someone you see whose bough is breaking.  You have credibility because you have been through it.  God doesn’t waste anything………….the comfort you have been given is to be passed on.  (2 Corinthians 1)

Take heart dear one.   You are not alone in the bough breaking moment.  If you have never reached out to the One who died for you, I encourage you to do it.  Give Jesus a chance.  In this life, He is the only One who will never, ever change and who will always & forever walk this with you.   

Peace & Blessings

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The Sting of Death. . . .

I Corinthians 15:55    O death, where is your victory?  O death, where is your sting? 

I Thessalonians 4:13  But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.

 

Lately, I have been thinking about the phrase – the sting of death.  

Every one of us who has experienced loss knows the pain and sorrow that death brings.  It hurts – well, to be honest………..it more than hurts…….it’s a pain so deep & awful that it defies words.  

But I keep coming back to the phrase – the sting of death.  It’s sticking with me.  It’s important and I need to know why the sting is gone. 

It comes from the scripture noted above.  It is part of chapter 15 which outlines and explains that Christ died for our sins, and by dying once for all, abolished death.   Verse 54 says – death is swallowed up in victory.  Death is crushed. 

Christ conquered sin & death on the cross.  So for Christians, death isn’t final or ultimate.  Yes – they are gone. . .my husband is gone. . . from this physical world.  But our parting is temporary.  I will see him again.  He is still very much alive – – just not here.  

And so even though death is still a part of us living here on planet earth, the sting is gone for us who are believers.  

Please understand – – we are definitely hurting!  The sting is gone, but death hurts! 

However – – – – – I do not grieve as one who does not have hope.  

Hope  – oh yes – Hope.

Hope in Jesus.  Hope in the Lord, my rock (Psalm 18:2).  Hope because we will all be reunited (I Thessalonians 4:13-18).

This is why I’m writing this for you.  Hope.  The sting is gone.  

We still sorrow…………we still cry………..we still mourn………but we know it’s not the end.  It’s temporary for those of us who have accepted Christ as Savior. 

I can hear some of you question – you’re not sure your loved ones accepted Christ before death.  But we don’t know for certain that they didn’t.  Only God knows the hearts of men/women.  “for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (I Samuel 16:7)

The sting……………gone.  We grieve…………….with hope.

My heart is heavy but I sing hallelujah.  God gets the final word – not death. 

I hope this encourages you as you walk your grief journey.  You are not alone.  God walks it with you.   I’m walking it too. 

Peace & Blessings. . . . .

 

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The Deathiversary

Deathiversary

Believe it or not, that is truly a word.  I promise – not a joke.  It’s in the Urban Dictionary online.  Yeah…………..I did go looking for it.  Actually, I was just looking for a word besides anniversary – or death day.  Not sure I’ll stick with this one, but it struck me as a good one to use for this post.  So humor me – ok?

Yesterday.  4/1/2021   My husband Tracy’s deathiversary.  7 years.  Wow…….I can’t believe it’s been 7 years.  In my heart and head I do feel like it’s more than a year – but 7 years?  Seriously?  (SMH)

Every year is different.  Some have been worse than others.  Some have been full and easier to take than others.  Last year, 2020, well – you can imagine how awful that was.  Not the whole day, mind you, but a significant part for sure.  Everything was shut down so I couldn’t really go much of anywhere, and somehow going to the grocery store wasn’t at the top of my fun list.  

Yesterday was quite good till I went to bed.  And then the weight of the day crashed in.  I’m pretty sure many of you have had this happen.  While I do understand the reason behind last night’s sob fest, what I don’t understand is  when the wave crashes unexpectedly with no trigger.  But that’s probably a subject for another post.  For now – I will focus on the deathiversary smash. 

I had spent a little time reading, turned out the light and began my prayer like always.  The thing is, I got a bit stuck thanking God for the day.  I was truly thankful for the day, but somehow the day itself was connected with a day of pain beyond explanation 7 years ago.  The only way I could get through it to the other side was to talk it through with God.  There was heartbroken honesty and some questions asked.  How thankful I am that God listens and understands.  In scripture He is called the God of all comfort.  It’s true.  Do my questions get answered ?  No, and probably not this side of heaven.  Does it really solve anything?  No – but something does happen.  I think it’s that I feel validated, listened-to, understood.  And that does make a difference.  In the end, I believe it’s simply needful to talk it out.  Holding it in makes the torture go on and on.  But speaking it out loud, or at a sobbing whisper, means something.  It’s not dangling out there in the air, it has made it non-stop to the throne of grace.  And through the unbroken connection between the throne & me, love pours through.  The listening part is what helps the most I think.  I’m sure God is thinking,  ‘here she’s comes again with the grief wave’.  But He listens anyway.  

And don’t we do that with our children?  We want them to come to us a gazillion times with their heartaches.  We listen.  We understand that what they are going through is hard and sometimes not fair.  We hold them, we hug them, we comfort them.  Well – that’s what God does.  He listens.  He holds me.  He hugs me.  He comforts me.  And finally at long last, I sleep.  

Truth be told, my face feels swollen in the morning & I’m running low on my sleep meter.  But I feel like some of the toxic grief has left me and I can begin a new day.  Technically the first day of the 8th year.   Yikes………….ok I need to land this plane or I’m going to feel discouraged again.

So how do you handle your deathiversary?  Have you had ups and downs?  Have you experienced God’s amazing grace, listening and comfort?  Tell me about it.  It doesn’t matter how long for you – the deathiversary comes every year.  1, 4, 7, 15 +.  Talk to me.  How did you deal with the last one?  How are you going to deal with the one coming up?  

No matter your loss – No matter how fresh or how long, my heart is with you.  I’m listening, giving a virtual hug and sharing a word of encouragement.  Here’s something that resonates with me. . . . . . 

Psalm 34:18  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.     

Psalm 56:8   You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book. 

That’s the God who listens and esteems our tears greatly.  I pray it blesses you to  know that.  

Peace & Blessings

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The Why Questions

Have you ever looked into the night sky and asked questions?  Better yet – did you get any answers?

I bet not.

Many times I’ve looked at the stars and wondered many things.  I have wished my husband could just send a message.  I’ve wished God could give me some sort of explanation. 

But there was nothing but silence.

It seems to be a common theme with those who have experienced loss.  We all have questions.  And it doesn’t matter if our loss was sudden or dragged out with some awful thing like cancer. 

The number one question is usually – – – – WHY…………

Why did they have to die? Why did they die so young? Why couldn’t the doctors find the tumors earlier? Why wasn’t there time to say good bye? Why was there such pain and suffering? Why am I left alone?

So many whys………………

When I first asked my Whys, I would eventually get so exhausted that I gave up. As time went on and I gained strength, the Whys continued, but the direction changed. I went to the Source – the only place I felt I could find an answer.  I went to God and His word.

There is a lot of suffering in the bible.  Men and women lost people they loved to illness, war and suicide.  I’m sure they asked Why too. 

One man is recorded in scripture asking Why and with good reason.  His name is Job.  Most people have heard of him and his troubles.

His losses just would. not. stop.

He lost all his oxen and servants while they were in the field. Then fire fell from heaven killing all his sheep and the servants tending them. At the same time, enemies of Job came and stole his camels and killed those servants.  He lost all his sons and daughters because a mighty wind struck the house where they were gathered and it collapsed. 

But it didn’t end there. 

He had lost possessions and his whole family except his wife.  But there was more to lose.  He lost his health.  All of a sudden terrible boils appeared all over his body.  They were everywhere from the top of his head to the bottoms of his feet.  They were terribly painful.  He tried to relieve the suffering by scraping himself with a piece of pottery while sitting among the ashes.  I can’t imagine how awful that was!  Job knew sadness upon sadness as well as physical pain.  He was suffering and I’m sure asking Why.

To make matters worse, his wife turned her back on God and gave Job some terrible advice.  She said, “Do you still hold fast to your integrity?  Curse God and die!”

Thankfully Job did not go along with her suggestion.  He knew she was being foolish. 

Still, Job was stuck in this situation for a long time.  He had some friends who tried to figure out the cause of Job’s hurting, but they were no help.  

Job asks Why.  He cries out to God.  He feels forgotten. 

In our deep grief. . . .in our loss that has devastated our world, we can feel forgotten too.  It’s a natural way to feel.  The good news is, God is big enough to handle our deep emotions and our begging question – Why?

I like this story of Job because though it’s a heart wrenching story, it has a fantastic ending. By the way – go read the great ending – it’s Job 42: 10-17.  The last chapters of Job show us something about wanting answers to unanswerable questions.

God does answer Job after he has poured his heart out completely.  It is in God’s answer and Job’s response that I find help for my Whys. 

God clearly shows who He is and His authority.  Job gets it.  He realizes that he was asking for answers he could never understand.  He saw that God in His sovereignty, His ultimate power and majesty, was too wonderful and amazing for a mere human to comprehend. 

I wish I was the one who had come up with this, but it’s actually a statement I heard from the popular Christian singer, Danny Gokey.  He said, “God doesn’t answer Job’s questions, He gives him perspective.”

That’s so rich.  And it resonates with me. 

Do I still ask Why? Yes !  It’s ok to ask our Whys. God is there to listen and comfort.  He knows we see this in an earthly and personal way.  But now I can open my hand and let my tears flow. God has a totally different perspective.  All I see is right here.  God sees everything – past, present and future.  So I trust Him. 

Friend, I know it’s not easy to do.  You won’t suddenly be ok with your Whys.  You will continue to have questions.  But over time, perhaps knowing God has the only perfect perspective, you can open your hand as you cry saying, “OK God, I don’t like it and I don’t understand, but I trust You.”

May we all find peace as we bring God our Whys, then move forward with trust.  

Peace & Blessings to us all…………………………………….

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Being Brave

We all know that early in our grief journey even little things trigger tears – a memory, a picture, a song . . . so many things.  But what I’ve realized as time goes on is this. It’s not just the obvious.  Sometimes the flood of tears or sword to the heart can be triggered by life events or sudden relationship changes or a huge disappointment.  It seems that anything and everything that affects our timeline can throw us.  Not happy news, but knowing this may help me – and you – deal with it when it pops up.  Perhaps being able to identify it when it happens will bring some sense of understanding.  Here’s hoping.

Recently I did something brave  – at least I felt it was brave for a widow.  I agreed to meet two Christian men and no – not at the same time.  I truly went with an open hand.  If there was a spark – OK, if not, OK.  Well – the first one wasn’t a match.  But it was good to know for certain there was to be no connection.  The second was MIA with no communication.  I was stood up – rejected – standing alone.

Once I got home and was able to relax, I crashed and burned.  There were so many reasons why, not the least of which was tied to grief. I no longer felt brave.

Yes!  I had good moments to reflect on and a wonderful visit with family on the way home.  But I also experienced the crashing in of all the emotion and stress involved. Hopes dashed. Questions about my future. Fear – and feeling intensely alone.

It’s scary putting yourself out there.  And, it’s stressful being on high alert as well as trying to sort out emotions.  Dating again after 40 years is not for the faint of heart. 

That said, with some time put behind me, I know I’m stronger and wiser.  Individual experiences don’t define me.  But they help shape who I am.  They add value to this well traveled person.  And in this instance, it helps me know more certainly what I’m looking for.  You see, it’s as important to know what you don’t want as it is to know what you do.

So a couple things here – FIRST of all – simply know that somewhere along the way a life event wrapped up in emotion might trigger a significant grief reaction.  It’s OK!   Roll with it and know you will be stronger and better on the other side.  And SECONDLY – if and when you put yourself out there again, know that you may encounter the wrong person(s) and it’s OK!  Learn what you don’t want and move forward to find the right one.

FYI – I’m still waiting for mine.

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No Energy, Zero Motivation……………..A Gift??

Do you have some days where you are running low on energy, but others when it seems ok?  Yeah – me too.  And after over 4 years, I have – after ruling out normal reasons – come to the conclusion that it’s a part of grief.

On dark, cloudy days, I totally get why I feel like a slug.  But days like today – bright, sun-shiny, beautiful – it makes no sense.

In the first year and a bit beyond, I could see the truth in the saying that grief is exhausting.  There were days and parts of days where my broken heart expressed itself by floods of tears.  And I remembered the scripture that says God keeps all our tears in a bottle.  Then, as now, I wonder how big my bottle is or how many bottles are assigned to me.

But as I sit here, my eyes tear up as I feel this lack of energy and motivation.  So much to do – I want to move – but I sit here sipping coffee in my robe at 9:45 am.  It’s a holiday – so while this is not my usual routine, it’s ok.  And I promise, once I finish writing this, I will move these bones.

I’m trying to embrace these static moments as a gift.  Too many run in terror from the stilling of motion and solitary minutes.  But the rest of life is overfull.  So I’m trying to take deep breaths, enjoy the comfort of my coffee, and be still.

When I’m not fighting the push of energy and to-do lists, I notice the woods behind my house.  I reflect on the blessing of children and grandchildren.  I think about my life – how far I’ve come since Tracy died, and possibilities for the future.  And I look around my home as if seeing it after being gone for a long time.  I love my home and the things in it.  But how often do I look around, drink in the sight of it and smile?  Almost never.

This energy thing – if you are experiencing this motion stopping lack of motivation, you are not alone.  It may take some time but try to accept it as a sort of gift.  If tears flow and your heart breaks, let them flow – feel the break.  And know this – you will never have to cry those exact tears again.  In God’s grace, we feel this grief and cry through things one small part at a time.  Otherwise this pain would kill us.

So here’s to permission to be ok with energy lacking, zero motivation times.  Join me in trying to embrace the stillness.  Join me in appreciating the segments of the day when time stops.  Maybe you and I need to take these times, not looking back or ahead.  Perhaps the real gift is to take note of the present – – – – this very moment.

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How Do I Know???

Isn’t this the question we ask about everything?  When our spouse dies, life gets thrown up in the air.  And we who are left behind struggle to put it all back together.

How do I know how long to wear my ring(s)?

How do I know if I should stay in my home or sell & move?

How do I know what to keep and what to let go of?

How do I know if I’m making the right decision about – – – the vehicles, the property, the job, the paperwork/forms, friendships, finances, church…….

It can crash in – feel overwhelming.  It can cause a cascade of grief deeper & longer lasting than you expected.

What I want you to know is – – – feeling this way is completely normal.   And – you will get through it !!

We sometimes feel “less than” when confronted with such a different paradigm.  But the truth is – – – we are not “less than”.  We are strong and we are walkin’ this thing.  We never knew how strong we were till we HAD to be stronger than we EVER imagined.  Strong through tears, through decisions, through fire & rain.

So hang in there dear one.  Better days are coming.  And when you look back, you will smile, knowing you actually did it.  Yes…………….yes, you really did.

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Surviving Christmas 2017

My apologies for being silent for awhile.  Like most of us, it’s a very busy time for me. I promise to do this better as I move forward. 

I would love to tell you that I navigated the holidays well.  But I can’t tell you that.  God was gracious and helped me through a difficult year all the way around.  The holidays – Thanksgiving & Christmas – were more difficult this year than previous years.  No idea why………………..absolutely no idea why.  This is my 4th time around the block and I didn’t expect to end up in deep places.  But God had other plans.

This journey is so unique for each of us.  Some are doing amazing by this time on the timeline.  Actually, I’m doing really well.  But all of a sudden in the midst of doing really well, I crash.  I’m betting you do too.

Can I just say that I believe there is a purpose in all this?   Perhaps God is helping me deal with unfinished business………….closing another door……….moving forward.  Maybe, just maybe this is going to make my 2018 better.  The thing is, there’s no way to know except to continue moving forward and see……….I have to keep doing what I know to do and see what happens next.

One thing I learned this Christmas is that we can do MUCH better when we are with family.  This is the first Christmas since my husband, Tracy, passed away that I was completely alone Christmas Eve and Christmas morni

ng.  It was so incredibly lonely and sad.  I felt cheated all over again…………..just being together with someone made all the difference in the world.   Basically I just cried through it when I needed to and got through it till family arrived Christmas afternoon. But before you get feeling sorry for me, know that  joy was flowing like crazy after my kids and grandkids arrived.  Nothing like it to make my heart sing.

I hope your Christmas was less sad than mine. I hope you were with family that brought you great joy.  I hope you were able to smile through the tears and realize that you made it !!!!!  Great job!  That’s awesome !!!  We don’t have to deal with this for another year.  So let’s look toward 2018 with hope & expectation. Peace & Blessings as you continue on the journey.

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Sorrow & Tears

Psalm 56:6  You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in Your bottle.  You have recorded each one in Your book.

This verse from the Bible means a lot to me.  Somehow just knowing that God loves me so much that He would keep track of every single sorrow each time my heart breaks, and collects every single tear – I am brought to tears (again) and my heart is overwhelmed.

The most significant piece of my puzzle since Tracy died is my faith.  Key people who love and invest in me rank a very close second.  This all makes perfect sense.  Statistics prove that a person with ANY sort of faith, goes through and recovers better from a crisis or tragedy.  And having special people in your life is love and support with skin.

I love how the sited scripture verse talks about “sorrows” & “tears”.  These speak directly to the psychological/spiritual and emotional aspects of grief.  My heart breaks for a variety of reasons and I cry – sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.  My mind plays tricks, plays memory videos, and just plain messes with me – that’s intense sorrow.

The reason I decided to write this post is because this is all part of the grief picture.  If sharing this verse along with the post helps anyone, then it’s worth it.  I choose to believe when I put something positive out in the universe, that good can come from it.  And if it makes a difference to just one widow or widower, my heart is satisfied.

Those of us who live with a hole in our heart understand how profound it is to visualize God caring so much.  And, it brings hope.  Hope – that going through all of this matters somehow.  Hope – that sharing the tears and sorrow helps us take another step.