Tag: moving forward

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I’m Tired Of Being Brave

Bravery Fatigue – that’s what I have going on these days.  You too??

I’m not sure, but I think this bravery fatigue might be somewhat cumulative.  Then again, I believe it’s intensified because of the pandemic.  Goodness – this pandemic has fatigued everyone for one reason or another.  We are all tired. . . so tired. 

My story – 6 1/2 years long at this point. . .emphasis on the word long.  And even as I write that, I know there are others widowed that have walked this grief journey a lot longer.  I salute all of you !!

We, the widowed, have to make life decisions – decisions so very gigantic – we make them alone for the first time in our adult life.  I am ever grateful that God helped me remember the logistics of past life decisions my husband & I made over our 37 1/2 years together.  I’m also very thankful for the people with specific expertise along the way.  I believe God had us cross paths in order to add to my wisdom quotient.  Believe me, I needed it. 

This year is perhaps the straw that is breaking this camel’s back. 

In March, I moved from St. Louis, MO to Louisville, KY.  Mind you, that is after all the huge decisions & hurdles in 2019/early 2020 – deciding where to move, much downsizing, signing to begin building a home, deciding on a realtor, researching the market, vetting a mover, all the move prep – packing boxes, disassembling furniture, deciding what can go in my car/my friend’s car – oh and then the week of the physical move – physically exhausting. 

I get to Louisville and everything shuts down – everything. I can’t even see family for awhile.  

I’ve left my solid support system and am now living in the desert. 

Initially it didn’t bother me too much, but as things have dragged on with no end in sight. . . well, that wears on a person. 

Additional stress came after the physical move. . .selling my St. Louis home, closing out MO tax stuff for my business, starting up tax stuff in KY, and drivers license & plates (took    7 months). . .and much more.

And now, plowing into starting over, entering as a nobody – no one knows my history or anything I’ve done – not that I’m looking for any kind of fame – just credibility.

The worst part?  Not knowing what to do next.  God has been quite silent about this.  My head understands I can trust Him & that He has a plan.  My heart hasn’t caught up.  I like to say – I know God has a plan, I just don’t like this part. Truth. 

Please understand I don’t want to know the whole picture.  I’m just looking for direction for where to focus.  Maybe you are looking for that too.  Often on this journey, we find ourselves in the oddest of places, don’t we?

Focusing on the road before us as widows & widowers…and then  bravery fatigue.  We have been brave for so long.  We have stepped up, moved forward, made decisions. . .and we are tired. 

So I’m talking to me as much as I am to you. We get each other.  We understand where others outside of our walk do not. 

Find strength in calling it what it is.  This really does help.  And then lay down your sword for a few – a few minutes, hours, days.  Then pick it back up and take a step forward.  Even when we don’t know what’s next we can do what we know – right here, right now. 

Me?  I’m going to focus on my writing.  While I do that, I’ll keep listening for God’s voice – His prompting.  I’m going to trust – believe – hope. 

That’s what I offer to you friend. 

Lay down your sword – rest – pick it back up – take a step – do what you know – listen for God’s prompting. 

My dear fellow grief travelers. . .I’m sending you peace & blessings.

 

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Do The Next Right Thing

Currently I’m attending a local Griefshare group at my church.  It’s a wonderful small group that is a safe place.  How important it is to have a safe place to question, vent, share, and listen.  

The Griefshare ministry is video driven with a workbook that is done during the week.  It is thoughtfully laid out and even has scripture written out right there on the page, which helps so much.  Another thing I appreciate is the larger font they have used.  It’s not so much an age thing as it is a bereavement thing.  I don’t know about you, but I like a little larger font when I’m a bit bleary eyed.

In a recent video, one of the folks sharing about their grief journey spoke about how when we are overwhelmed with all that needs to be done, that it’s helpful to just do the next right thing.  I love that!!  And this is why I’m writing today’s post.  I want to share that great thought with you.  

Coincidentally, there is a podcast I listen to called, The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman. I mention that in case you may have heard of it.  Great podcast, by the way, and I’ve found it helpful on my grief journey.  Just know that it’s for everyone and not focused on bereavement.  Emily is so good at helping us simplify our every day, our thoughts etc.  And as you have probably realized, that helps when grieving.  

But on to the reason for this post. 

When grieving, we get overwhelmed, upset, stuck, and so many other things.  It is this particular subject that the Griefshare video was addressing.  Sometimes we come to a place where we don’t know what to do, what step to take.  That’s when I think it’s important to do the thing right in front of you – do the next right thing. When we do just that one thing, it can help us feel ready to do the next thing, and the next, and the next. 

Sounds so simple, but as you know, when we are grieving – it’s NOT!  Taking that next step requires an act of the will.  You won’t want to do it, but once you take that one step forward, you will see significant benefits – sometimes right away, and sometimes once you have completed that next thing.   

It’s a feeling of accomplishment.  It’s one less thing on the long list of things to do.  And once it’s done, go ahead and take pride in it.  If you are a list maker like me, getting that one thing done will help you feel just a bit better.  Note – I’m sorry for using the word better, but it’s the word in the English language that describes it best.  We both know that better takes awhile, so please understand that I’m not rushing you.  

So dear friend on this grief journey with me – take heart, take a deep breath – and do the next right thing.

I know I’m stepping out on a limb here, but I sincerely believe you will be glad you did.

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Don’t Go Too Fast

This is written purely from my own experience, so don’t think you need to do anything I have done, nor should you feel like you are doing something wrong – you’re not.  

What I want to share today is how sometimes as we work hard to move forward, be brave & courageous, we get overwhelmed & crash because we are trying to go too fast. 

I am preparing to move in a few months.  Going through 40 years of stuff is daunting, to say the least.  It’s such a tough process selling things and carting car load after car load to Goodwill.  Truthfully, there’s been lots I’ve pitched as well.  And while getting rid of so much has actually felt good, the enormity of what I’m doing got to me the other day. 

In addition to what I’ve already mentioned, there’s juggling so many details buying and selling.  Gosh I miss my husband for all that.  My brain just gets overloaded – totally maxed out.  Especially when thinking too far ahead.  Gets me in trouble – every. single. time.

A couple days ago, I got up as usual and started to get rolling, sitting in my Canadian rocker & sipping my coffee.  It’s a good way to greet the morning and get a little caffeine charge.  

At first I didn’t know why I was feeling so sluggish.  Even the coffee wasn’t helping.  Then the tears started.  It was definitely wrapped up in grief, but it went deeper.  

I was crashing from so many things happening in October.  3 contractors doing minor repairs on the house, selling, donating, planning, plus keeping up with all the commitments I already had on my plate.  My head & heart simply needed stop…………….work through emotions, prayers of thanks, prayers for continued help, and breathing………..I needed to just breathe. 

That whole day, while I did actually accomplish a very short list of things, I fought to give myself some slack.  I needed to constantly remind myself of ALL that had been accomplished that month.  I even allowed myself some closed eye time in my favorite chair in the afternoon…………..because tears and a banged up heart are exhausting. 

So cut yourself some slack too.  You have my permission!!  And I know – – it’s so darn hard to rest, to feel like you have to keep going………….but that’s a lie from our culture that says you are valued for what you do.  

My motto is:  Who I am is more important than what I do. . 

Not original with me…………..but I honestly don’t remember where I heard it first.  Perhaps it’s that wonderful person, Anonymous.  

So dear person reading this who needs to stop for a bit & breathe – to allow for tears from grief and being overwhelmed – to just plain rest…………………………….go ahead.  It is hard to take the time, but the time is SO worth it.  

And moving forward…………………….remember……………don’t go too fast.

Peace……………………….

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Overwhelmed

As I look around the house, in some places I see that time has passed.  In other places it’s as though time is standing still.

For a long while, I kept everything the same.  After my husband, Tracy, died 4 1/2 years ago, leaving it all as it was, was comforting.  So much had changed because of his death.  So much.  I couldn’t face any more.

Time is a funny thing.  In some ways it helps me move forward.  In other ways I wish I could go backward in time. 

I’ve learned so much through Tracy’s death and trying to keep living.  Many times it feels like I take 2 steps forward and one back.  I know I’m making progress, but sometimes it just seems so tough.

Each night when I go to bed, I wonder if I should set my alarm or not.  Sometimes I need to because of an appointment, but other times I could wake up whenever.

Recently though, I made the decision to schedule important items first thing in the morning.  I really do have much to accomplish each day.  So I decided to apply some structure to my life.  It’s the way I’m continuing to live.  No matter what, life does go on.  By structuring part of my day, it helps me take those steps forward. 

Often it feels like I’m in never-never land.  It’s such a strange journey.  There’s much out of my control.  There are lots of days when I feel like the world is still moving, events still happening, and I’m standing still.

Maybe the worst part is all the decisions.  Decisions about property, house and worst of all – paperwork.  At one time there were several piles of paperwork.  I filled out forms, attached death certificates and went to either the post office to send the documents, or to the UPS store to fax.

In the beginning, it was simple stuff like what to eat.  What church service do I want to go to?  And then it moved on to – what am I going to do about Thanksgiving? Christmas?  Oh dear God, I don’t want to be alone. 

Now, being this far out, it’s more the decisions about house and property.  Mowing, staining the deck, roof leak, car issues, fixing toilets, window replacements, AC issues, shoveling snow, spot seeding the lawn etc. etc.  You get the idea.

When does this all get better?  I sure wish I had an answer.  But for now, it’s a matter of dealing with things one step at a time.  God is walking with me and that helps so much.  Things seem bleak and uncertain, but I know God has a plan – and His Word says it’s good.  No matter what I face or how I feel, I choose to trust Him.  God is greatest & He knows best. 

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Surviving Christmas 2017

My apologies for being silent for awhile.  Like most of us, it’s a very busy time for me. I promise to do this better as I move forward. 

I would love to tell you that I navigated the holidays well.  But I can’t tell you that.  God was gracious and helped me through a difficult year all the way around.  The holidays – Thanksgiving & Christmas – were more difficult this year than previous years.  No idea why………………..absolutely no idea why.  This is my 4th time around the block and I didn’t expect to end up in deep places.  But God had other plans.

This journey is so unique for each of us.  Some are doing amazing by this time on the timeline.  Actually, I’m doing really well.  But all of a sudden in the midst of doing really well, I crash.  I’m betting you do too.

Can I just say that I believe there is a purpose in all this?   Perhaps God is helping me deal with unfinished business………….closing another door……….moving forward.  Maybe, just maybe this is going to make my 2018 better.  The thing is, there’s no way to know except to continue moving forward and see……….I have to keep doing what I know to do and see what happens next.

One thing I learned this Christmas is that we can do MUCH better when we are with family.  This is the first Christmas since my husband, Tracy, passed away that I was completely alone Christmas Eve and Christmas morni

ng.  It was so incredibly lonely and sad.  I felt cheated all over again…………..just being together with someone made all the difference in the world.   Basically I just cried through it when I needed to and got through it till family arrived Christmas afternoon. But before you get feeling sorry for me, know that  joy was flowing like crazy after my kids and grandkids arrived.  Nothing like it to make my heart sing.

I hope your Christmas was less sad than mine. I hope you were with family that brought you great joy.  I hope you were able to smile through the tears and realize that you made it !!!!!  Great job!  That’s awesome !!!  We don’t have to deal with this for another year.  So let’s look toward 2018 with hope & expectation. Peace & Blessings as you continue on the journey.