Tag: hope

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When The Bough Really Does Break

The last 4 1/2 weeks or so have been crushing.  I didn’t fully understand the cumulative impact until this past Thursday.  And – because you will at some point encounter cumulative grief, I want to share my experience of the bough breaking.  If you have already experienced this, be on the lookout for it happening again in your own life, certainly, but pay attention to those around you who have not experienced it yet.  If it’s possible, be there for them. 

My breaking bough happened this past Wednesday night after my counseling class.  But before I explain what happened, here’s the timeline leading to that. 

On August 7th, I lost a dear woman that I used to sing with in choir and do bible study with in my former church in Missouri.  It was really difficult and heartbreaking that I could not travel back for the funeral.  The next one was particularly crushing. #1

On August 17th, I lost my best friend in the Air Force, a fellow Command Spouse, and heart of my heart in so many ways.  She was 4 years younger than me.  Oh – cancer, you are just so awful.  This one was and is very painful.  Sometimes it simply doesn’t seem real.  And yet – I was there for the visitation, the funeral, and the aftermath with the widower.  Heavy………..oh, so heavy. #2

Then September 6th, I lost a sweet gentleman that I used to sing with in choir and ensembles at my former church in Missouri.  UGH!!  Another choir member…………..  My heart broke and I grieved that loss……#3

September 7th, the husband of a co-worker at Altus AFB Chapel died from Covid.  He was a squadron member back when we were stationed in Altus.  53  Yeah………53.   #4

4. . . .count them, 4.  But that isn’t all that was happening.  

Afghanistan happened.  The mismanaged withdrawal happened.  Leaving Americans happened.  Loss of 13 servicemen happened.  Memories from the past 20 years……………….knowing they all/ we all made a difference……… but I’m upset and angry over how this has been executed.  It’s a different kind of grief….but grief nonetheless. And pre-grief – – for what this is setting in motion – terrorist events yet to be. 

Finally, there’s my biblical counseling class on Wednesday nights.  The section we have been covering is on marriage.  Honestly, for the most part it has been ok.  I’ve looked at it academically and keyed in on pivotal verses from scripture that not only show us how we are to live as husbands & wives, but as believers – Christ followers.  This past Wednesday night was the final module in the section.  

There was not specific trigger.  Nothing in particular was hard to hear.  But I believe the cumulative pile of grief was pushed over the edge with all the marriage do’s & don’ts talk.  About 3/4 through the class I felt it coming.  Eyes began to tear and the pain in my chest was becoming unbearable.  The bough was about to break. 

No, I told God.  Not here, not now.  Lord, help me hold it together till I can get out of here.  And He did.  God is so faithful.  He continues to rescue me from tangible as well as intangible.  

I made it to my car and then water started flowing out of my eyes.  My heart felt physical pain.  I was feeling crushed – completely crushed.  I drove all the way home………crying.  And it continued for awhile.  The bough broke.

Sleep didn’t come easy, even though the crying had stopped.  I wasn’t depressed.  My heart hurt and felt heavy.  Reading wasn’t easy either.  And I didn’t want to watch tv.  So I laid there and prayed, I poured out my heart to God and cried a bit more.  I’ve learned that in the arms of Jesus is the only truly safe place I can do this.  It is the only place I feel comfort.  He is my strong tower and I run to Him.  He would walk me through this intense grief and bring me out on the other side.  I’ve walked this before with Him.  I knew He was the only unchanging, faithful One who could get me through.  

And He did.  I finally fell asleep and woke up at my regular time without the alarm.  A short night.  I thought to myself, I will need to catch a power nap today.  But you know what?  I didn’t.  My heart wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t heavy anymore.  My thoughts were clearer and I was again walking in strength and confidence.  

This blog isn’t Christian faith focused, but I’m making an exception in this post.  My faith is the reason I have not only survived, but moved forward better than I ever thought possible.  My faith is the foundation upon which I stand.  And – statistics prove that a person of any kind of faith, meets life’s challenges & tragedies better than one with no faith, no hope.  I have faith.  I have hope – a know-so hope, not a hope-so hope. 

I’m not talking religion.  There are those who try to put me in a box and say I am “religious”.  I’m not religious, I’m faithful.  I have a relationship, not a religion.  The denomination where I attend is not the denomination I have always attended.  I’m a Christ-follower.  I adhere, for the most part, to a schedule for worship and participating at my church, but I’m not there every time they open the door.  I’m not checking off to-do boxes, I’m participating in corporate worship, private worship, and ministering to the body of Christ.  It is a lifestyle of faith. 

Why am I pointing this out?  Because I fully believe that when the bough broke Wednesday night, it was God’s grace.  He knew I needed a safety valve to open and vent off the overwhelming sadness and pain that was captured inside me.  Grief is work, and this was some work I needed to do.  The tears I cried are tears I won’t have to cry again.  The tears of the future are different. Their healing part is yet to happen. 

In addition, I want you to understand that on this side, I am thankful for the crushing break of the bough Wednesday night.  I want you to see that terrible pain can lead to wonderful healing and greater insight.  I believe it also gives you what you need not just for today, but for your future breaking boughs.  And – – – it puts you in a position to help someone you see whose bough is breaking.  You have credibility because you have been through it.  God doesn’t waste anything………….the comfort you have been given is to be passed on.  (2 Corinthians 1)

Take heart dear one.   You are not alone in the bough breaking moment.  If you have never reached out to the One who died for you, I encourage you to do it.  Give Jesus a chance.  In this life, He is the only One who will never, ever change and who will always & forever walk this with you.   

Peace & Blessings

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The Sting of Death. . . .

I Corinthians 15:55    O death, where is your victory?  O death, where is your sting? 

I Thessalonians 4:13  But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.

 

Lately, I have been thinking about the phrase – the sting of death.  

Every one of us who has experienced loss knows the pain and sorrow that death brings.  It hurts – well, to be honest………..it more than hurts…….it’s a pain so deep & awful that it defies words.  

But I keep coming back to the phrase – the sting of death.  It’s sticking with me.  It’s important and I need to know why the sting is gone. 

It comes from the scripture noted above.  It is part of chapter 15 which outlines and explains that Christ died for our sins, and by dying once for all, abolished death.   Verse 54 says – death is swallowed up in victory.  Death is crushed. 

Christ conquered sin & death on the cross.  So for Christians, death isn’t final or ultimate.  Yes – they are gone. . .my husband is gone. . . from this physical world.  But our parting is temporary.  I will see him again.  He is still very much alive – – just not here.  

And so even though death is still a part of us living here on planet earth, the sting is gone for us who are believers.  

Please understand – – we are definitely hurting!  The sting is gone, but death hurts! 

However – – – – – I do not grieve as one who does not have hope.  

Hope  – oh yes – Hope.

Hope in Jesus.  Hope in the Lord, my rock (Psalm 18:2).  Hope because we will all be reunited (I Thessalonians 4:13-18).

This is why I’m writing this for you.  Hope.  The sting is gone.  

We still sorrow…………we still cry………..we still mourn………but we know it’s not the end.  It’s temporary for those of us who have accepted Christ as Savior. 

I can hear some of you question – you’re not sure your loved ones accepted Christ before death.  But we don’t know for certain that they didn’t.  Only God knows the hearts of men/women.  “for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (I Samuel 16:7)

The sting……………gone.  We grieve…………….with hope.

My heart is heavy but I sing hallelujah.  God gets the final word – not death. 

I hope this encourages you as you walk your grief journey.  You are not alone.  God walks it with you.   I’m walking it too. 

Peace & Blessings. . . . .

 

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Holidays & Heart Aerobics & Hope

Well here we are…………….smack dab in the middle of holiday everything.  

Every year is different – don’t you think?  I mean, after losing someone loved so dearly, the first year sucks……………..it just does.  And because it is squarely your personal rodeo, I don’t feel it’s right to give advice exactly.  All I think I can do is offer what I did my first year.  Don’t misunderstand…….it still sucked, but because I did it the way I felt was good for me, it wasn’t all terrible.  

What I did was decide that for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I had to be with one or both of my kids.  My kids showered me with love those two holidays.  Thanksgiving was wonderful surrounded by all of them.  Christmas was wonderful  too, being with one of them.  Since the holidays were going to be different for me after my husband’s death, it made perfect sense to tag along and be part of whatever my kids wanted to do.  They were sensitive & kind – it was still tough on my heart, but I made it through the best I could. 

And ultimately friend, that is my heartfelt advice to you.  No matter what year this is for you, it’s your rodeo.  Take a few minutes and think about how you want to experience the holiday.  What is your comfort level?  What do you absolutely NOT want to do?  Don’t let anyone push you into doing anything that hurts too much or just plain feels wrong.  Then let your people know what will be good this year……………most especially if it’s the first.  Although, once you establish the base line, the following years will kind of roll how you want since you’ve spoken your wishes.  (good for you! )

One other suggestion. . . . I don’t know what your tradition might be, but even in your grief, try to focus on the reason for the season.  God loved us so much that He sent his very own Son to earth as a baby…………..it’s why we celebrate.  No matter what number year it is, spending some time in church singing the carols, listening to the music and words of of peace and goodwill will lift you up and relax your heart. Doing this has helped soothe my heart after days and days of heart aerobics.  It’s like I take a step off the grief merry-go-round for just a little while.  Then I feel more centered & stronger in order to step back on it.  Try it and let me know how it goes for you.  I really do pray that it helps. 

No matter when you start your holidays or how you typically roll with them, your heart will go up and down – be pulled here and there – bend and stretch – lift insurmountable burdens.  Heart aerobics.  This is tough stuff.  As you are in the midst of this right now – let me just encourage you for a minute.  

First – I’m very sorry for your loss.  Every loss is terrible, but during the holidays it simply is worse……….on all levels.  Second – know that you have a friend here who while I don’t understand your specific journey, knows the crush, and I’m here walking this too.   Third – really do give the church service a try.  If you simply can not set foot in church this year, grab a Bible and turn to Luke 2 starting in verse 1, reading to verse 21.  A Baby story……………..”For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” Baby stories are the best – and this one came to give us an important thing – Hope. 

This season. . . . .this moment that you are reading this – – – know that I’m praying whoever reads this post will know they are not alone.  Know that in the midst of our sorrow, we can also experience joy in the birth of our Savior.  

So even though there are heart aerobics………………………..there is hope.  

Peace & Blessings my dear grief travelers

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Sorrow & Tears

Psalm 56:6  You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in Your bottle.  You have recorded each one in Your book.

This verse from the Bible means a lot to me.  Somehow just knowing that God loves me so much that He would keep track of every single sorrow each time my heart breaks, and collects every single tear – I am brought to tears (again) and my heart is overwhelmed.

The most significant piece of my puzzle since Tracy died is my faith.  Key people who love and invest in me rank a very close second.  This all makes perfect sense.  Statistics prove that a person with ANY sort of faith, goes through and recovers better from a crisis or tragedy.  And having special people in your life is love and support with skin.

I love how the sited scripture verse talks about “sorrows” & “tears”.  These speak directly to the psychological/spiritual and emotional aspects of grief.  My heart breaks for a variety of reasons and I cry – sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.  My mind plays tricks, plays memory videos, and just plain messes with me – that’s intense sorrow.

The reason I decided to write this post is because this is all part of the grief picture.  If sharing this verse along with the post helps anyone, then it’s worth it.  I choose to believe when I put something positive out in the universe, that good can come from it.  And if it makes a difference to just one widow or widower, my heart is satisfied.

Those of us who live with a hole in our heart understand how profound it is to visualize God caring so much.  And, it brings hope.  Hope – that going through all of this matters somehow.  Hope – that sharing the tears and sorrow helps us take another step.

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The Black Curtain

When someone loses a spouse, there’s a black curtain of sorts that we walk into.  We aren’t walking through it as many outsiders imagine.  No – rather, we walk into it and are enveloped in darkness/emptiness.   I don’t have adequate words to explain it, but it truly does exist.

Even while surrounded by the black curtain, we function.  We greet people at the visitation/wake and funeral/memorial.  Actually, we often end up comforting those who are there for us.  That’s OK.  It gives us something to do and we are enormously touched by the influence of our loved one’s life on so many.  But the fact still remains that we are in the black curtain.

It’s not necessarily depression.  It is completely possible to be immersed in the black curtain and not be depressed.  That was my experience.  But others experience depression or the beginning of depression.  It is NEVER wrong to seek help and medication to cope through it all.  What person, when struggling in the water, would refuse a life preserver?  So some will need this.  It’s not a sign of weakness.  It’s a sign of strength to recognize the need and get help.  Smart – very smart.

How long are we in the black curtain?  It’s different for each person.  An important truth that others need to understand is that there’s no timeline on grief.  It lasts as long as it lasts.

As we move forward and the days become months, and then years, the black curtain turns us loose.  It unfolds section by section.  There’s no magic event that removes it.  We walk around in our everyday, ordinary, back to some sort of normal lives and bring the black curtain with us.  The unfolding comes as bits of light pierce through.  Sometimes we take a step, make a new choice, decide to do something different or embrace enlightenment through a writing or a person.  The black curtain peels back.  We can breathe a little easier and our heart doesn’t feel so heavy.

I’m only 3+ years into this grief journey.  My black curtain is still with me partially. Much of it has unfolded and fallen away.  I have talked with many widows and widowers who lost their spouses many years ago.  Most of their black curtain is gone, but a small piece remains.

I believe that the small piece of the black curtain may stay with each of us.  It doesn’t define us, but it is part of who we are.

I’m no expert, but I think that having that small piece of the black curtain helps us relate to, be empathetic with, and be tenderhearted toward, those who have experienced loss.  Our hearts bleed with their crushed heart.  We connect because we recognize the black curtain in each of us.  I believe God intentionally arranged for this to happen.  In God’s Word to us, the Bible, it says in 2 Corinthians 1:4 – “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”

On my grief journey, I’ve learned that God doesn’t waste anything.  My tragedy wasn’t for nothing.  I can see other’s black curtain.  It allows me to practice the ministry of presence.  The small piece of my black curtain connects with their black curtain.  It may be at that moment that a tiny glimmer of light pierces through.  Hope – just a microscopic flicker of hope.  It’s a beginning.  The black curtain begins to unfurl and fall away.