Tag: heartbreak

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Starting Another Year……….Alone

So I’m starting another year alone………………you too?   Not the greatest is it?   But here we are.  And so while I don’t have profound words of wisdom, I’ll share how I’m processing this and maybe it will help you – or it might give you an idea on how you can process your own grief journey starting another year.

New Years Eve was a little better for me, thanks to a dear widow friend who invited me to have dinner at a local restaurant with some other widow friends of mine.  I affectionately call them my widow gang.  The distraction of chatting about whatever and laughing at various things, was definitely a help. Then we went to one of their homes and watched a movie.  Of course after that, I went home – alone.  But by then I just really wanted to be by myself.  

I wasted time watching tv and then went to bed to read.  It was a new book and I confess I got so invested in it that I read till almost midnight.  Midnight – I heard the fireworks in the neighborhood and realized………..the new year had begun, no matter what.  Isn’t it interesting how part of our life stops, but the rest of the world keeps going on…….and on……..and on??

New Years Day started out pretty sad, so I enjoyed an extra cup of coffee and staying in my PJs.  But the sadness eased as I headed into the day.  I baked a new bread recipe and got my black eyed peas going in the small crockpot.  Then late afternoon, I put together a new yellow squash recipe – – – spoiler alert – it’s a keeper & can be easily doubled etc.  Yay!  

Also in retrospect, the passing of the the year and start of the next may have affected me a bit more because I was seriously tired and recovering from driving 600 miles the day before.  

But the ending & beginning bothered me more this year, I think, because I couldn’t sense a “word” or a specific focus/direction from God.  At the end of each year, I pray and look for not a resolution, but a direction – a reset – that sort of thing.  This year – I only came up with a couple things.  They may not sound profound or imaginative, but for the moment, I think it suits me. 

So for this year, 2024, I’m a student –  taking masters classes at a local seminary.   In addition – I’m praying a couple things – may God order my steps and above all – may God heal my heart.  I continue to walk through this life with a broken heart.  And before any other Christians out there try to counsel me – It really is well with my soul – – – – – it’s just not great with  my heart.  After talking this over with a very dear friend who lost her husband 3  months before me – 10 years ago – we  are experiencing the same thing.  Nothing is affecting our faith – we still have joy in the Lord – but our heart seems to be permanently shattered.  Who knows – maybe it has to do with the 10 year mark…….honestly friends………I have no idea.  I’m as clueless as the rest of you.  

Through every year, God has proved faithful.  I know He will continue to be faithful.  My faith is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.  I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.  On Christ the solid rock I stand – all other ground is sinking sand.   

I pray that God will grant each one of us comfort, peace and healing.  

 

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Lamenting…………and a Book Suggestion

         Psalm 10 – Psalm 77 – Psalm 13

Lament…………………..do you know about lament?

I really didn’t understand what was meant by lament – at least not for a Christian. Lament according to Webster is the expression of sorrow – the mourning, wailing, crying loudly.  But for the Christian, the definition is a bit different. 

Here’s where I suggest a very good book on Christian lament.  The title?            Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop.  It’s been an very eye-opening book for me.  Let me try to explain why. 

The past 2+ years I have been experiencing a different kind of grief – or maybe it would be more accurate to say a different season of grief that now I think is really lament. 

The book explains lament way better than I could, so I will use short excerpts from the book.

“Lament is a prayer in pain that leads to trust.”

Lament “usually includes 4 key elements: (1) an address to God, (2) a complaint, (3) a request, and (4) an expression of trust and/or praise.”

“Lament is the honest cry of  hurting heart wrestling with the paradox of pain and the promise of God’s goodness.”

So you see, it is different than melting into a bucket of tears, which is what happens to us especially for the first few years………but we all know that this pops up as time goes on.  We all know we don’t “get over” grief or completely heal this side of heaven.  But, the lion’s share of this happens early.  Just an aside – I believe this is God’s grace.  How can I say that?  I believe if God allowed us to feel the full weight of the pain of grief in the first week or so that we would actually die.  I don’t believe our human frame could take it. And so, God allows the buckets for awhile, but then they are more manageable containers.  We are able to cry it through, and work through that moment, or that hour, or that difficult day or night.  God’s grace.  It’s a way He shows His love for us & His compassion. 

Back to lament………..so maybe the best way to help you is to be transparent about my lamenting over the recent past, and is still very much present. 

It is me asking hard questions that stem from watching others widowed find their second chapter or it might be watching the frightening spiral of culture, our country etc. etc. and realizing I may walk this darkness alone till He returns.  And yes – I know I’m not alone when I have God/Jesus/Holy Spirit.  Truly, they are the only thing that holds me together sometimes.  Dark – it’s so dark, and getting darker by the day.

It’s me wrestling with the “paradox of pain and the promise of God’s goodness.”   It’s a word I learned recently.  Theodicy.  Defense of God’s goodness and omnipotence in view of the existence of evil (Webster)  

It’s asking God where my restoration is, when will the intense pain stop, how long Lord?  Then when I’m deep in the weeds with this, I think of others whose suffering is physical and unending, and I wonder if I have a leg to stand on in my lament to God. In the end, I believe we all go through crucibles of our own, whether physical or emotional or spiritual.  And as Christians, the difference for us is the Rock on which we stand.  I must remember that while my feelings are very real, they are often not true.  So how can I know??

How we know our feelings aren’t true is to line them up with the Truth of scripture.  We don’t have our own truth – there is only one Truth.  Our pain, whatever it is, doesn’t get the final word – God does. 

The Psalms are so encouraging to me.  I believed that’s why it’s the “go to” scripture for anyone experiencing a tough emotion. David lays it all out – over & over again. I love that about him. God had him do that for our benefit. David was a man after God’s own heart, but he still struggled with pain, with theodicy.

Am I rolling out of this lament ?  The simple answer is no.  I do, however, see God teaching me things.  And I know from walking with the Lord for lots of years, He’s got a purpose in my pain. I also know that He loves when I praise Him even when I’m crying and asking questions. I love that about Him. He is my heavenly Father and I can come to Him messy & broken.  Good thing, because I am………….alot these days.   You too?  

Be encouraged friend. Go to the Psalms I listed at the beginning of this post.  That’s a great starting point.  Keep talking to God. Bring Him your questions, your pain. Ask Him to teach you things through this. Trust Him. Praise Him. Watch what He does. Friend, He is our solid Rock. Everything else is sinking sand.  This pain isn’t for nothing.  God doesn’t waste anything. Hold onto hope. Hold onto the Savior.  Lament it out dear friends…………….

Sending you hugs……………………Peace & Blessings…………

 

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The Deathiversary

Deathiversary

Believe it or not, that is truly a word.  I promise – not a joke.  It’s in the Urban Dictionary online.  Yeah…………..I did go looking for it.  Actually, I was just looking for a word besides anniversary – or death day.  Not sure I’ll stick with this one, but it struck me as a good one to use for this post.  So humor me – ok?

Yesterday.  4/1/2021   My husband Tracy’s deathiversary.  7 years.  Wow…….I can’t believe it’s been 7 years.  In my heart and head I do feel like it’s more than a year – but 7 years?  Seriously?  (SMH)

Every year is different.  Some have been worse than others.  Some have been full and easier to take than others.  Last year, 2020, well – you can imagine how awful that was.  Not the whole day, mind you, but a significant part for sure.  Everything was shut down so I couldn’t really go much of anywhere, and somehow going to the grocery store wasn’t at the top of my fun list.  

Yesterday was quite good till I went to bed.  And then the weight of the day crashed in.  I’m pretty sure many of you have had this happen.  While I do understand the reason behind last night’s sob fest, what I don’t understand is  when the wave crashes unexpectedly with no trigger.  But that’s probably a subject for another post.  For now – I will focus on the deathiversary smash. 

I had spent a little time reading, turned out the light and began my prayer like always.  The thing is, I got a bit stuck thanking God for the day.  I was truly thankful for the day, but somehow the day itself was connected with a day of pain beyond explanation 7 years ago.  The only way I could get through it to the other side was to talk it through with God.  There was heartbroken honesty and some questions asked.  How thankful I am that God listens and understands.  In scripture He is called the God of all comfort.  It’s true.  Do my questions get answered ?  No, and probably not this side of heaven.  Does it really solve anything?  No – but something does happen.  I think it’s that I feel validated, listened-to, understood.  And that does make a difference.  In the end, I believe it’s simply needful to talk it out.  Holding it in makes the torture go on and on.  But speaking it out loud, or at a sobbing whisper, means something.  It’s not dangling out there in the air, it has made it non-stop to the throne of grace.  And through the unbroken connection between the throne & me, love pours through.  The listening part is what helps the most I think.  I’m sure God is thinking,  ‘here she’s comes again with the grief wave’.  But He listens anyway.  

And don’t we do that with our children?  We want them to come to us a gazillion times with their heartaches.  We listen.  We understand that what they are going through is hard and sometimes not fair.  We hold them, we hug them, we comfort them.  Well – that’s what God does.  He listens.  He holds me.  He hugs me.  He comforts me.  And finally at long last, I sleep.  

Truth be told, my face feels swollen in the morning & I’m running low on my sleep meter.  But I feel like some of the toxic grief has left me and I can begin a new day.  Technically the first day of the 8th year.   Yikes………….ok I need to land this plane or I’m going to feel discouraged again.

So how do you handle your deathiversary?  Have you had ups and downs?  Have you experienced God’s amazing grace, listening and comfort?  Tell me about it.  It doesn’t matter how long for you – the deathiversary comes every year.  1, 4, 7, 15 +.  Talk to me.  How did you deal with the last one?  How are you going to deal with the one coming up?  

No matter your loss – No matter how fresh or how long, my heart is with you.  I’m listening, giving a virtual hug and sharing a word of encouragement.  Here’s something that resonates with me. . . . . . 

Psalm 34:18  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.     

Psalm 56:8   You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book. 

That’s the God who listens and esteems our tears greatly.  I pray it blesses you to  know that.  

Peace & Blessings

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Sorrow & Tears

Psalm 56:6  You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in Your bottle.  You have recorded each one in Your book.

This verse from the Bible means a lot to me.  Somehow just knowing that God loves me so much that He would keep track of every single sorrow each time my heart breaks, and collects every single tear – I am brought to tears (again) and my heart is overwhelmed.

The most significant piece of my puzzle since Tracy died is my faith.  Key people who love and invest in me rank a very close second.  This all makes perfect sense.  Statistics prove that a person with ANY sort of faith, goes through and recovers better from a crisis or tragedy.  And having special people in your life is love and support with skin.

I love how the sited scripture verse talks about “sorrows” & “tears”.  These speak directly to the psychological/spiritual and emotional aspects of grief.  My heart breaks for a variety of reasons and I cry – sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.  My mind plays tricks, plays memory videos, and just plain messes with me – that’s intense sorrow.

The reason I decided to write this post is because this is all part of the grief picture.  If sharing this verse along with the post helps anyone, then it’s worth it.  I choose to believe when I put something positive out in the universe, that good can come from it.  And if it makes a difference to just one widow or widower, my heart is satisfied.

Those of us who live with a hole in our heart understand how profound it is to visualize God caring so much.  And, it brings hope.  Hope – that going through all of this matters somehow.  Hope – that sharing the tears and sorrow helps us take another step.