Tag: fear

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Support & Prayer When Alone

Illness – surgery – medical procedure……………………………….

When on the grief journey, these things come along as part of life.  But isn’t it true that they also point a singular arrow at us that says – alone?  

I’m a member of two Facebook groups for those widowed.  They are wonderful, safe places to talk about anything.  And one of the recurring subjects is prayers for an illness, or upcoming surgery, or a medical procedure. One thing I love about these two groups is that we rally around each other.  It’s more than just friendly support.  It says loud and clear that we are not alone……………even though we are facing whatever it is without our spouse. . . feeling so very alone.  

Do you have a group from church, dear friends who are neighbors, work people, or folks you feel close to from a grief group, that you can share these type of burdens with?  Even though we aren’t together in the regular sense of the word community, we can reach out digitally or outside on the sidewalk/driveway.  And we need to do that – you need to do that – I need to do that.  

You are probably wondering what in the world nudged me to write on this subject.  I’m so glad you asked!

On October 4th I was exposed to someone with Covid.  I lost my sense of taste and smell on Friday, October 9th.  October 10th I got tested and it’s positive.  So I’m isolated for 10 days.  News like that is always a bit surprising, but I’ve learned over many years to take the news, think about things logically at first and then execute a plan.  It was that evening that I crumbled a bit when realizing I was facing another medical thing. . .alone.  

Now before you think I’m depressed or not able to cope. . . .abandon that thought.  I only have the one symptom and am doing well.  My momentary spiral down was just that – momentary.  The deal was that the real surprise wasn’t the test results – it was the brick of “aloneness” that hit me. 

And because I’m not the only one going through things like this, my thoughts turned towards you.  I want you to know that you aren’t the only one that feels that way.  And – just knowing that, I hope, will make you smile and realize that it’s all going to be ok.  And – if you are going through something, comment and I will certainly pray for you.  You are not alone.  Believe that. 

In addition to that – please take a moment and identify your core people.  Think for a moment about whatever groups you’re a part of – on Facebook or at church or work.  We all have our close-to-us people – then our next circle out – good friends – then the friendly acquaintances.  So identify your “go-to” peeps ahead of time.  Because like it or not, at some point, you will have something in your life, medical or not, where you will need support.  Oh – and let’s not forget family.  Family can be such a great comfort and support.  Why didn’t I suggest that earlier?  Probably because I’ve seen those widowed whose families are not supportive or even friendly.  So if that’s you, take heart that we can choose the people who can lovingly share our burdens.  I have a wonderful family, and feel so very blessed.  In particular, my dear children and their spouses are amazing.  They reach out to me in love, which is priceless. 

While I had my moment Saturday night, I’m feeling confident that God is walking with me through everything.  I want to encourage you to feel confident too as you realize you are not alone.  We’ve both come so far on this journey.  And yes, there’s probably a long way to go, but since we’ve made it this far, I know we will make it to the finish line – courageous and triumphant.  

 

 

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Being Brave

We all know that early in our grief journey even little things trigger tears – a memory, a picture, a song . . . so many things.  But what I’ve realized as time goes on is this. It’s not just the obvious.  Sometimes the flood of tears or sword to the heart can be triggered by life events or sudden relationship changes or a huge disappointment.  It seems that anything and everything that affects our timeline can throw us.  Not happy news, but knowing this may help me – and you – deal with it when it pops up.  Perhaps being able to identify it when it happens will bring some sense of understanding.  Here’s hoping.

Recently I did something brave  – at least I felt it was brave for a widow.  I agreed to meet two Christian men and no – not at the same time.  I truly went with an open hand.  If there was a spark – OK, if not, OK.  Well – the first one wasn’t a match.  But it was good to know for certain there was to be no connection.  The second was MIA with no communication.  I was stood up – rejected – standing alone.

Once I got home and was able to relax, I crashed and burned.  There were so many reasons why, not the least of which was tied to grief. I no longer felt brave.

Yes!  I had good moments to reflect on and a wonderful visit with family on the way home.  But I also experienced the crashing in of all the emotion and stress involved. Hopes dashed. Questions about my future. Fear – and feeling intensely alone.

It’s scary putting yourself out there.  And, it’s stressful being on high alert as well as trying to sort out emotions.  Dating again after 40 years is not for the faint of heart. 

That said, with some time put behind me, I know I’m stronger and wiser.  Individual experiences don’t define me.  But they help shape who I am.  They add value to this well traveled person.  And in this instance, it helps me know more certainly what I’m looking for.  You see, it’s as important to know what you don’t want as it is to know what you do.

So a couple things here – FIRST of all – simply know that somewhere along the way a life event wrapped up in emotion might trigger a significant grief reaction.  It’s OK!   Roll with it and know you will be stronger and better on the other side.  And SECONDLY – if and when you put yourself out there again, know that you may encounter the wrong person(s) and it’s OK!  Learn what you don’t want and move forward to find the right one.

FYI – I’m still waiting for mine.

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The Fears We Face

When we lose the other half of ourselves and absolutely nothing is the same, there’s fear.  Sometimes it truly is “scaring the crap out of us” fear.  And sometimes (more often than not for me) it’s “fear of the unknown – not knowing what to do next – fear of making a poor decision alone” type of fear.

During the first year after my husband died, I did everything I could to hold onto anything I could keep the same.  Not only is that a healthy thing to do, it’s the logical thing in light of such great loss.

But as each year rolls by, there are moments, sometimes pockets or seasons of time, that cause me to retreat to my favorite chair and crumble.  I have to let it all out and pray it through.  Most of the time I get up out of the chair and feel better by some measure.  Other times I my feel less burdened, but as I rise out of my chair, I simply take one step at a time and do so fearful and overwhelmed.  Somewhere along the way, the fear eases and things level out again. 

This blog entry isn’t designed to make you feel better or provide some magical solution.  What I AM doing is being honest and transparent with you.  I want you to see I don’t have it all together. I want you to know that all you feel and deal with is normal.  All of it.  EVERY. SINGLE. THOUGHT. AND. EMOTION.

Every one of us muddles through in our own way.  I like that we can do this, this way.  I once was told that as long as it’s not immoral or illegal, you can grieve any way you want.  Good advice. 

A large part of what gets me through is sitting in my chair and praying.  Another huge piece to my puzzle is resoundingly awesome friends who support me no matter what.  And it’s, of course, my faith that holds me together.  Faith is an anchor, not a crutch.

So while I’m feeling so uncertain about things today and most definitely uncertain about the future and the big decisions I will be facing in the next few years, I know it will all be possible and ultimately it will all be OK.  With my faith, my friends, my chair and prayer, I will keep getting stronger.  And however you choose to roll, you will too.

Peace & Blessings