Tag: faith

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Lamenting…………and a Book Suggestion

         Psalm 10 – Psalm 77 – Psalm 13

Lament…………………..do you know about lament?

I really didn’t understand what was meant by lament – at least not for a Christian. Lament according to Webster is the expression of sorrow – the mourning, wailing, crying loudly.  But for the Christian, the definition is a bit different. 

Here’s where I suggest a very good book on Christian lament.  The title?            Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop.  It’s been an very eye-opening book for me.  Let me try to explain why. 

The past 2+ years I have been experiencing a different kind of grief – or maybe it would be more accurate to say a different season of grief that now I think is really lament. 

The book explains lament way better than I could, so I will use short excerpts from the book.

“Lament is a prayer in pain that leads to trust.”

Lament “usually includes 4 key elements: (1) an address to God, (2) a complaint, (3) a request, and (4) an expression of trust and/or praise.”

“Lament is the honest cry of  hurting heart wrestling with the paradox of pain and the promise of God’s goodness.”

So you see, it is different than melting into a bucket of tears, which is what happens to us especially for the first few years………but we all know that this pops up as time goes on.  We all know we don’t “get over” grief or completely heal this side of heaven.  But, the lion’s share of this happens early.  Just an aside – I believe this is God’s grace.  How can I say that?  I believe if God allowed us to feel the full weight of the pain of grief in the first week or so that we would actually die.  I don’t believe our human frame could take it. And so, God allows the buckets for awhile, but then they are more manageable containers.  We are able to cry it through, and work through that moment, or that hour, or that difficult day or night.  God’s grace.  It’s a way He shows His love for us & His compassion. 

Back to lament………..so maybe the best way to help you is to be transparent about my lamenting over the recent past, and is still very much present. 

It is me asking hard questions that stem from watching others widowed find their second chapter or it might be watching the frightening spiral of culture, our country etc. etc. and realizing I may walk this darkness alone till He returns.  And yes – I know I’m not alone when I have God/Jesus/Holy Spirit.  Truly, they are the only thing that holds me together sometimes.  Dark – it’s so dark, and getting darker by the day.

It’s me wrestling with the “paradox of pain and the promise of God’s goodness.”   It’s a word I learned recently.  Theodicy.  Defense of God’s goodness and omnipotence in view of the existence of evil (Webster)  

It’s asking God where my restoration is, when will the intense pain stop, how long Lord?  Then when I’m deep in the weeds with this, I think of others whose suffering is physical and unending, and I wonder if I have a leg to stand on in my lament to God. In the end, I believe we all go through crucibles of our own, whether physical or emotional or spiritual.  And as Christians, the difference for us is the Rock on which we stand.  I must remember that while my feelings are very real, they are often not true.  So how can I know??

How we know our feelings aren’t true is to line them up with the Truth of scripture.  We don’t have our own truth – there is only one Truth.  Our pain, whatever it is, doesn’t get the final word – God does. 

The Psalms are so encouraging to me.  I believed that’s why it’s the “go to” scripture for anyone experiencing a tough emotion. David lays it all out – over & over again. I love that about him. God had him do that for our benefit. David was a man after God’s own heart, but he still struggled with pain, with theodicy.

Am I rolling out of this lament ?  The simple answer is no.  I do, however, see God teaching me things.  And I know from walking with the Lord for lots of years, He’s got a purpose in my pain. I also know that He loves when I praise Him even when I’m crying and asking questions. I love that about Him. He is my heavenly Father and I can come to Him messy & broken.  Good thing, because I am………….alot these days.   You too?  

Be encouraged friend. Go to the Psalms I listed at the beginning of this post.  That’s a great starting point.  Keep talking to God. Bring Him your questions, your pain. Ask Him to teach you things through this. Trust Him. Praise Him. Watch what He does. Friend, He is our solid Rock. Everything else is sinking sand.  This pain isn’t for nothing.  God doesn’t waste anything. Hold onto hope. Hold onto the Savior.  Lament it out dear friends…………….

Sending you hugs……………………Peace & Blessings…………

 

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Catching up and Questions

It’s been terribly long since I wrote on the blog.  So please accept my apology.  

To be honest, I’ve been mulling over whether I need to keep writing here, if it’s helpful for anyone, or if I should just give it up.  I’m not the most tech savvy person and my site isn’t very modern or as current as others.  Also – for quite awhile, writing seemed to be what I was supposed to do.  I’m reevaluating that lately.  I do enjoy the writing, but trying to assess if it should be a priority.  

So maybe you can help me with this.  Do you like the content here?  Would you like to see more about my grief journey or grief in general?  If there are topics or ideas you would like to see me write about, comment and let me know.  

We all know grief is such an odd journey.  I just passed the 8 year mark.  I can’t wrap my head around that length of time.  In some ways it doesn’t seem that long ago, but when I look at all that has happened since my husband passed, it makes sense that it’s that long.  Sounds a bit circular in thinking, but then, grief is sorta like that, isn’t it? 

To catch you up on what I’ve been doing.  In 2021 I took an ACBC Biblical Counseling Course at my church.  Deep stuff, but so good.  Since January 2022, I’ve been putting together a Grief Support Binder – my personal resource when meeting with a widow.  It’s all sorts of information on a variety of topics with applicable scriptures etc.  No one but me will really be seeing this, but I need something where all the stuff I’ve learned, both in class and in life, is located.  My husband would call it my Dash One – which is what they called the enormous binder for each aircraft in the Air Force.  It’s a small b bible for that plane.  My GSB is my Dash One.  

Oddly enough, but perfectly logical in God’s economy, God continues to bring widows to me in various ways, giving me the opportunity to listen, understand and with whom to share my journey.  It’s such a privilege.  And so  – this is where I believe God is calling me – – – – to walk along side other widows.  This is an awesome responsibility and calling.  The more I learn, the more I feel inadequate to the task.  But God has other ideas.  He used so many unqualified people in the Bible to accomplish His will.  Maybe I’m just another one of those unqualified, but willing & obedient folk.  

Thank you for being part of this inconsistent blog of my journey.  Doing this was not what I had originally meant to do – the blog portion just came with the set up of the website, so I went with it. 

I’m honored that you would take time to read my ramblings.  I’m honored to share my imperfect journey.  Let me know what you think.

Peace & Blessings…………………………………………..

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When The Bough Really Does Break

The last 4 1/2 weeks or so have been crushing.  I didn’t fully understand the cumulative impact until this past Thursday.  And – because you will at some point encounter cumulative grief, I want to share my experience of the bough breaking.  If you have already experienced this, be on the lookout for it happening again in your own life, certainly, but pay attention to those around you who have not experienced it yet.  If it’s possible, be there for them. 

My breaking bough happened this past Wednesday night after my counseling class.  But before I explain what happened, here’s the timeline leading to that. 

On August 7th, I lost a dear woman that I used to sing with in choir and do bible study with in my former church in Missouri.  It was really difficult and heartbreaking that I could not travel back for the funeral.  The next one was particularly crushing. #1

On August 17th, I lost my best friend in the Air Force, a fellow Command Spouse, and heart of my heart in so many ways.  She was 4 years younger than me.  Oh – cancer, you are just so awful.  This one was and is very painful.  Sometimes it simply doesn’t seem real.  And yet – I was there for the visitation, the funeral, and the aftermath with the widower.  Heavy………..oh, so heavy. #2

Then September 6th, I lost a sweet gentleman that I used to sing with in choir and ensembles at my former church in Missouri.  UGH!!  Another choir member…………..  My heart broke and I grieved that loss……#3

September 7th, the husband of a co-worker at Altus AFB Chapel died from Covid.  He was a squadron member back when we were stationed in Altus.  53  Yeah………53.   #4

4. . . .count them, 4.  But that isn’t all that was happening.  

Afghanistan happened.  The mismanaged withdrawal happened.  Leaving Americans happened.  Loss of 13 servicemen happened.  Memories from the past 20 years……………….knowing they all/ we all made a difference……… but I’m upset and angry over how this has been executed.  It’s a different kind of grief….but grief nonetheless. And pre-grief – – for what this is setting in motion – terrorist events yet to be. 

Finally, there’s my biblical counseling class on Wednesday nights.  The section we have been covering is on marriage.  Honestly, for the most part it has been ok.  I’ve looked at it academically and keyed in on pivotal verses from scripture that not only show us how we are to live as husbands & wives, but as believers – Christ followers.  This past Wednesday night was the final module in the section.  

There was not specific trigger.  Nothing in particular was hard to hear.  But I believe the cumulative pile of grief was pushed over the edge with all the marriage do’s & don’ts talk.  About 3/4 through the class I felt it coming.  Eyes began to tear and the pain in my chest was becoming unbearable.  The bough was about to break. 

No, I told God.  Not here, not now.  Lord, help me hold it together till I can get out of here.  And He did.  God is so faithful.  He continues to rescue me from tangible as well as intangible.  

I made it to my car and then water started flowing out of my eyes.  My heart felt physical pain.  I was feeling crushed – completely crushed.  I drove all the way home………crying.  And it continued for awhile.  The bough broke.

Sleep didn’t come easy, even though the crying had stopped.  I wasn’t depressed.  My heart hurt and felt heavy.  Reading wasn’t easy either.  And I didn’t want to watch tv.  So I laid there and prayed, I poured out my heart to God and cried a bit more.  I’ve learned that in the arms of Jesus is the only truly safe place I can do this.  It is the only place I feel comfort.  He is my strong tower and I run to Him.  He would walk me through this intense grief and bring me out on the other side.  I’ve walked this before with Him.  I knew He was the only unchanging, faithful One who could get me through.  

And He did.  I finally fell asleep and woke up at my regular time without the alarm.  A short night.  I thought to myself, I will need to catch a power nap today.  But you know what?  I didn’t.  My heart wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t heavy anymore.  My thoughts were clearer and I was again walking in strength and confidence.  

This blog isn’t Christian faith focused, but I’m making an exception in this post.  My faith is the reason I have not only survived, but moved forward better than I ever thought possible.  My faith is the foundation upon which I stand.  And – statistics prove that a person of any kind of faith, meets life’s challenges & tragedies better than one with no faith, no hope.  I have faith.  I have hope – a know-so hope, not a hope-so hope. 

I’m not talking religion.  There are those who try to put me in a box and say I am “religious”.  I’m not religious, I’m faithful.  I have a relationship, not a religion.  The denomination where I attend is not the denomination I have always attended.  I’m a Christ-follower.  I adhere, for the most part, to a schedule for worship and participating at my church, but I’m not there every time they open the door.  I’m not checking off to-do boxes, I’m participating in corporate worship, private worship, and ministering to the body of Christ.  It is a lifestyle of faith. 

Why am I pointing this out?  Because I fully believe that when the bough broke Wednesday night, it was God’s grace.  He knew I needed a safety valve to open and vent off the overwhelming sadness and pain that was captured inside me.  Grief is work, and this was some work I needed to do.  The tears I cried are tears I won’t have to cry again.  The tears of the future are different. Their healing part is yet to happen. 

In addition, I want you to understand that on this side, I am thankful for the crushing break of the bough Wednesday night.  I want you to see that terrible pain can lead to wonderful healing and greater insight.  I believe it also gives you what you need not just for today, but for your future breaking boughs.  And – – – it puts you in a position to help someone you see whose bough is breaking.  You have credibility because you have been through it.  God doesn’t waste anything………….the comfort you have been given is to be passed on.  (2 Corinthians 1)

Take heart dear one.   You are not alone in the bough breaking moment.  If you have never reached out to the One who died for you, I encourage you to do it.  Give Jesus a chance.  In this life, He is the only One who will never, ever change and who will always & forever walk this with you.   

Peace & Blessings

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The Why Questions

Have you ever looked into the night sky and asked questions?  Better yet – did you get any answers?

I bet not.

Many times I’ve looked at the stars and wondered many things.  I have wished my husband could just send a message.  I’ve wished God could give me some sort of explanation. 

But there was nothing but silence.

It seems to be a common theme with those who have experienced loss.  We all have questions.  And it doesn’t matter if our loss was sudden or dragged out with some awful thing like cancer. 

The number one question is usually – – – – WHY…………

Why did they have to die? Why did they die so young? Why couldn’t the doctors find the tumors earlier? Why wasn’t there time to say good bye? Why was there such pain and suffering? Why am I left alone?

So many whys………………

When I first asked my Whys, I would eventually get so exhausted that I gave up. As time went on and I gained strength, the Whys continued, but the direction changed. I went to the Source – the only place I felt I could find an answer.  I went to God and His word.

There is a lot of suffering in the bible.  Men and women lost people they loved to illness, war and suicide.  I’m sure they asked Why too. 

One man is recorded in scripture asking Why and with good reason.  His name is Job.  Most people have heard of him and his troubles.

His losses just would. not. stop.

He lost all his oxen and servants while they were in the field. Then fire fell from heaven killing all his sheep and the servants tending them. At the same time, enemies of Job came and stole his camels and killed those servants.  He lost all his sons and daughters because a mighty wind struck the house where they were gathered and it collapsed. 

But it didn’t end there. 

He had lost possessions and his whole family except his wife.  But there was more to lose.  He lost his health.  All of a sudden terrible boils appeared all over his body.  They were everywhere from the top of his head to the bottoms of his feet.  They were terribly painful.  He tried to relieve the suffering by scraping himself with a piece of pottery while sitting among the ashes.  I can’t imagine how awful that was!  Job knew sadness upon sadness as well as physical pain.  He was suffering and I’m sure asking Why.

To make matters worse, his wife turned her back on God and gave Job some terrible advice.  She said, “Do you still hold fast to your integrity?  Curse God and die!”

Thankfully Job did not go along with her suggestion.  He knew she was being foolish. 

Still, Job was stuck in this situation for a long time.  He had some friends who tried to figure out the cause of Job’s hurting, but they were no help.  

Job asks Why.  He cries out to God.  He feels forgotten. 

In our deep grief. . . .in our loss that has devastated our world, we can feel forgotten too.  It’s a natural way to feel.  The good news is, God is big enough to handle our deep emotions and our begging question – Why?

I like this story of Job because though it’s a heart wrenching story, it has a fantastic ending. By the way – go read the great ending – it’s Job 42: 10-17.  The last chapters of Job show us something about wanting answers to unanswerable questions.

God does answer Job after he has poured his heart out completely.  It is in God’s answer and Job’s response that I find help for my Whys. 

God clearly shows who He is and His authority.  Job gets it.  He realizes that he was asking for answers he could never understand.  He saw that God in His sovereignty, His ultimate power and majesty, was too wonderful and amazing for a mere human to comprehend. 

I wish I was the one who had come up with this, but it’s actually a statement I heard from the popular Christian singer, Danny Gokey.  He said, “God doesn’t answer Job’s questions, He gives him perspective.”

That’s so rich.  And it resonates with me. 

Do I still ask Why? Yes !  It’s ok to ask our Whys. God is there to listen and comfort.  He knows we see this in an earthly and personal way.  But now I can open my hand and let my tears flow. God has a totally different perspective.  All I see is right here.  God sees everything – past, present and future.  So I trust Him. 

Friend, I know it’s not easy to do.  You won’t suddenly be ok with your Whys.  You will continue to have questions.  But over time, perhaps knowing God has the only perfect perspective, you can open your hand as you cry saying, “OK God, I don’t like it and I don’t understand, but I trust You.”

May we all find peace as we bring God our Whys, then move forward with trust.  

Peace & Blessings to us all…………………………………….

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I’m Tired Of Being Brave

Bravery Fatigue – that’s what I have going on these days.  You too??

I’m not sure, but I think this bravery fatigue might be somewhat cumulative.  Then again, I believe it’s intensified because of the pandemic.  Goodness – this pandemic has fatigued everyone for one reason or another.  We are all tired. . . so tired. 

My story – 6 1/2 years long at this point. . .emphasis on the word long.  And even as I write that, I know there are others widowed that have walked this grief journey a lot longer.  I salute all of you !!

We, the widowed, have to make life decisions – decisions so very gigantic – we make them alone for the first time in our adult life.  I am ever grateful that God helped me remember the logistics of past life decisions my husband & I made over our 37 1/2 years together.  I’m also very thankful for the people with specific expertise along the way.  I believe God had us cross paths in order to add to my wisdom quotient.  Believe me, I needed it. 

This year is perhaps the straw that is breaking this camel’s back. 

In March, I moved from St. Louis, MO to Louisville, KY.  Mind you, that is after all the huge decisions & hurdles in 2019/early 2020 – deciding where to move, much downsizing, signing to begin building a home, deciding on a realtor, researching the market, vetting a mover, all the move prep – packing boxes, disassembling furniture, deciding what can go in my car/my friend’s car – oh and then the week of the physical move – physically exhausting. 

I get to Louisville and everything shuts down – everything. I can’t even see family for awhile.  

I’ve left my solid support system and am now living in the desert. 

Initially it didn’t bother me too much, but as things have dragged on with no end in sight. . . well, that wears on a person. 

Additional stress came after the physical move. . .selling my St. Louis home, closing out MO tax stuff for my business, starting up tax stuff in KY, and drivers license & plates (took    7 months). . .and much more.

And now, plowing into starting over, entering as a nobody – no one knows my history or anything I’ve done – not that I’m looking for any kind of fame – just credibility.

The worst part?  Not knowing what to do next.  God has been quite silent about this.  My head understands I can trust Him & that He has a plan.  My heart hasn’t caught up.  I like to say – I know God has a plan, I just don’t like this part. Truth. 

Please understand I don’t want to know the whole picture.  I’m just looking for direction for where to focus.  Maybe you are looking for that too.  Often on this journey, we find ourselves in the oddest of places, don’t we?

Focusing on the road before us as widows & widowers…and then  bravery fatigue.  We have been brave for so long.  We have stepped up, moved forward, made decisions. . .and we are tired. 

So I’m talking to me as much as I am to you. We get each other.  We understand where others outside of our walk do not. 

Find strength in calling it what it is.  This really does help.  And then lay down your sword for a few – a few minutes, hours, days.  Then pick it back up and take a step forward.  Even when we don’t know what’s next we can do what we know – right here, right now. 

Me?  I’m going to focus on my writing.  While I do that, I’ll keep listening for God’s voice – His prompting.  I’m going to trust – believe – hope. 

That’s what I offer to you friend. 

Lay down your sword – rest – pick it back up – take a step – do what you know – listen for God’s prompting. 

My dear fellow grief travelers. . .I’m sending you peace & blessings.

 

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The Fears We Face

When we lose the other half of ourselves and absolutely nothing is the same, there’s fear.  Sometimes it truly is “scaring the crap out of us” fear.  And sometimes (more often than not for me) it’s “fear of the unknown – not knowing what to do next – fear of making a poor decision alone” type of fear.

During the first year after my husband died, I did everything I could to hold onto anything I could keep the same.  Not only is that a healthy thing to do, it’s the logical thing in light of such great loss.

But as each year rolls by, there are moments, sometimes pockets or seasons of time, that cause me to retreat to my favorite chair and crumble.  I have to let it all out and pray it through.  Most of the time I get up out of the chair and feel better by some measure.  Other times I my feel less burdened, but as I rise out of my chair, I simply take one step at a time and do so fearful and overwhelmed.  Somewhere along the way, the fear eases and things level out again. 

This blog entry isn’t designed to make you feel better or provide some magical solution.  What I AM doing is being honest and transparent with you.  I want you to see I don’t have it all together. I want you to know that all you feel and deal with is normal.  All of it.  EVERY. SINGLE. THOUGHT. AND. EMOTION.

Every one of us muddles through in our own way.  I like that we can do this, this way.  I once was told that as long as it’s not immoral or illegal, you can grieve any way you want.  Good advice. 

A large part of what gets me through is sitting in my chair and praying.  Another huge piece to my puzzle is resoundingly awesome friends who support me no matter what.  And it’s, of course, my faith that holds me together.  Faith is an anchor, not a crutch.

So while I’m feeling so uncertain about things today and most definitely uncertain about the future and the big decisions I will be facing in the next few years, I know it will all be possible and ultimately it will all be OK.  With my faith, my friends, my chair and prayer, I will keep getting stronger.  And however you choose to roll, you will too.

Peace & Blessings

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Alone. . .

Being Alone

Life, or rather death, has dealt the most awful blow to us.  We’ve lost that other part of ourselves.  Whether slowly to cancer or Alzheimer’s….. or suddenly as in a traffic accident, pulmonary embolism or other tragic event – they are gone.   And after the flurry of activity during the first week or two, life can still seem rather busy or full during the day.  We spend hours on the phone, filling out forms/paperwork, driving here & there – just getting through the logistics after a death.   But once that’s done, then what?

Days & Nights

While you may not be like me, let me tell you how this has rolled in my life.  You hopefully will relate on some level, though we all experience this rodeo in our own way – the components may be different, but the feelings can be the same or similar.  During the day for me,  it’s relatively easy.  There’s the list to tackle, doctor appointments, a little work, house duties, property stuff, errands to run.  But at the end of the day – literally – it’s the nights that can be so hard.  What’s there to do?  Oh yes – sometimes I have a ticket to go to a special event.  I have choir practice one night and facilitate a women’s bible study another night – but even those………………..I finish and drive home. . .alone.

The House

I always leave the porch light on as well as a couple lamps inside  on timers.  I absolutely hate walking into a dark house.  The first few minutes I’m putting things away, taking my coat off (if it’s cool/cold weather) and check phone messages.  I have some dear friends that I text “Home” to – it’s a safety thing and I love them for that.  OK – so that’s done………………….no matter what I choose to do – read a book, watch tv, watch recorded stuff, play on my phone or whatever – it’s empty.  There’s no one to share what’s happened during the day – no one to have a disagreement with – no one to laugh with or watch tv with or plan what to do next weekend with…………..no one.  It gets old…………after nearly 4 years, it’s so very old.  And I suspect it’s something that wears on you as well.

Coping

Coping – surviving – navigating forward…………………it’s what we do.  I’ve found that what helps me is to focus on it being MY TIME.  I find pleasure in what I choose to do instead of who I don’t have with me.  I look forward to watching what I recorded – there was no time to watch it before, so now I can enjoy it minus commercials – don’t you just love that???  I may hit the hay early and read a good book……….it really does lift my spirit to immerse myself in an imaginary place with imaginary people – or read about someone’s life – someone who went through stuff and came out better on the other side.  If I feel the need to simply check out from everyone and everything, I thoroughly enjoy playing on my phone – can I just say Pinterest??  I’ve found really wonderful recipes there and ideas for DIY or for making gifts, stuff for grandchildren………..ETC……………….  It’s my focus………..it’s a choice.  It’s taken time to do this well.  Early on – not so much.  Early on I would watch tv and just be sad.  I think it takes awhile for our mind & heart to move forward. Absolutely EVERYTHING in our life changes when we lose our spouse.  So it takes awhile to find a new normal……………..a new groove, even if that groove is all over the place.  So let me just encourage you to allow for time……………..and I know – I kind of hate that word too.  Seems like everyone says it takes time…………….but there’s no way around it – it just does…………take……………time.

Hang In There

Take it from one who may not be doing this perfectly, but has figured out some things along the nearly 4 year journey……………..hang in there.  Sometimes we just have to hold our breath and get through another day –  another night.  I promise that “better” days are ahead. (better in quotes, because there really isn’t a good word in any language to explain)  No matter what point in your journey you are reading this, hold on.  Sometimes the best thing we can do is simply hold on, take one step forward and see what happens.  If you are a person of faith, cling to that.  Statistics prove that a person of ANY faith will meet life’s challenges/tragedies better than a person with ZERO faith.  So if it’s been awhile since you were in church – give it a whirl.  It’s most definitely time to get back in the saddle – one step at a time.  My faith & my church have helped me feel not alone.  In my world, God is walking this thing with me.  And the faith folk in my life, along with some treasured friends, are walking it with me too.  They accept me as I am and encourage me when it’s tough.  Honestly – my faith & faith partners are the most significant puzzle pieces in my life.  Oh how I pray that you have this too.  If not – give it a try.  Seriously, what do you have to lose…………except being alone.