Tag: comfort

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Starting Another Year……….Alone

So I’m starting another year alone………………you too?   Not the greatest is it?   But here we are.  And so while I don’t have profound words of wisdom, I’ll share how I’m processing this and maybe it will help you – or it might give you an idea on how you can process your own grief journey starting another year.

New Years Eve was a little better for me, thanks to a dear widow friend who invited me to have dinner at a local restaurant with some other widow friends of mine.  I affectionately call them my widow gang.  The distraction of chatting about whatever and laughing at various things, was definitely a help. Then we went to one of their homes and watched a movie.  Of course after that, I went home – alone.  But by then I just really wanted to be by myself.  

I wasted time watching tv and then went to bed to read.  It was a new book and I confess I got so invested in it that I read till almost midnight.  Midnight – I heard the fireworks in the neighborhood and realized………..the new year had begun, no matter what.  Isn’t it interesting how part of our life stops, but the rest of the world keeps going on…….and on……..and on??

New Years Day started out pretty sad, so I enjoyed an extra cup of coffee and staying in my PJs.  But the sadness eased as I headed into the day.  I baked a new bread recipe and got my black eyed peas going in the small crockpot.  Then late afternoon, I put together a new yellow squash recipe – – – spoiler alert – it’s a keeper & can be easily doubled etc.  Yay!  

Also in retrospect, the passing of the the year and start of the next may have affected me a bit more because I was seriously tired and recovering from driving 600 miles the day before.  

But the ending & beginning bothered me more this year, I think, because I couldn’t sense a “word” or a specific focus/direction from God.  At the end of each year, I pray and look for not a resolution, but a direction – a reset – that sort of thing.  This year – I only came up with a couple things.  They may not sound profound or imaginative, but for the moment, I think it suits me. 

So for this year, 2024, I’m a student –  taking masters classes at a local seminary.   In addition – I’m praying a couple things – may God order my steps and above all – may God heal my heart.  I continue to walk through this life with a broken heart.  And before any other Christians out there try to counsel me – It really is well with my soul – – – – – it’s just not great with  my heart.  After talking this over with a very dear friend who lost her husband 3  months before me – 10 years ago – we  are experiencing the same thing.  Nothing is affecting our faith – we still have joy in the Lord – but our heart seems to be permanently shattered.  Who knows – maybe it has to do with the 10 year mark…….honestly friends………I have no idea.  I’m as clueless as the rest of you.  

Through every year, God has proved faithful.  I know He will continue to be faithful.  My faith is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.  I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.  On Christ the solid rock I stand – all other ground is sinking sand.   

I pray that God will grant each one of us comfort, peace and healing.  

 

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No Energy, Zero Motivation……………..A Gift??

Do you have some days where you are running low on energy, but others when it seems ok?  Yeah – me too.  And after over 4 years, I have – after ruling out normal reasons – come to the conclusion that it’s a part of grief.

On dark, cloudy days, I totally get why I feel like a slug.  But days like today – bright, sun-shiny, beautiful – it makes no sense.

In the first year and a bit beyond, I could see the truth in the saying that grief is exhausting.  There were days and parts of days where my broken heart expressed itself by floods of tears.  And I remembered the scripture that says God keeps all our tears in a bottle.  Then, as now, I wonder how big my bottle is or how many bottles are assigned to me.

But as I sit here, my eyes tear up as I feel this lack of energy and motivation.  So much to do – I want to move – but I sit here sipping coffee in my robe at 9:45 am.  It’s a holiday – so while this is not my usual routine, it’s ok.  And I promise, once I finish writing this, I will move these bones.

I’m trying to embrace these static moments as a gift.  Too many run in terror from the stilling of motion and solitary minutes.  But the rest of life is overfull.  So I’m trying to take deep breaths, enjoy the comfort of my coffee, and be still.

When I’m not fighting the push of energy and to-do lists, I notice the woods behind my house.  I reflect on the blessing of children and grandchildren.  I think about my life – how far I’ve come since Tracy died, and possibilities for the future.  And I look around my home as if seeing it after being gone for a long time.  I love my home and the things in it.  But how often do I look around, drink in the sight of it and smile?  Almost never.

This energy thing – if you are experiencing this motion stopping lack of motivation, you are not alone.  It may take some time but try to accept it as a sort of gift.  If tears flow and your heart breaks, let them flow – feel the break.  And know this – you will never have to cry those exact tears again.  In God’s grace, we feel this grief and cry through things one small part at a time.  Otherwise this pain would kill us.

So here’s to permission to be ok with energy lacking, zero motivation times.  Join me in trying to embrace the stillness.  Join me in appreciating the segments of the day when time stops.  Maybe you and I need to take these times, not looking back or ahead.  Perhaps the real gift is to take note of the present – – – – this very moment.