Tag: being brave

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I’m Tired Of Being Brave

Bravery Fatigue – that’s what I have going on these days.  You too??

I’m not sure, but I think this bravery fatigue might be somewhat cumulative.  Then again, I believe it’s intensified because of the pandemic.  Goodness – this pandemic has fatigued everyone for one reason or another.  We are all tired. . . so tired. 

My story – 6 1/2 years long at this point. . .emphasis on the word long.  And even as I write that, I know there are others widowed that have walked this grief journey a lot longer.  I salute all of you !!

We, the widowed, have to make life decisions – decisions so very gigantic – we make them alone for the first time in our adult life.  I am ever grateful that God helped me remember the logistics of past life decisions my husband & I made over our 37 1/2 years together.  I’m also very thankful for the people with specific expertise along the way.  I believe God had us cross paths in order to add to my wisdom quotient.  Believe me, I needed it. 

This year is perhaps the straw that is breaking this camel’s back. 

In March, I moved from St. Louis, MO to Louisville, KY.  Mind you, that is after all the huge decisions & hurdles in 2019/early 2020 – deciding where to move, much downsizing, signing to begin building a home, deciding on a realtor, researching the market, vetting a mover, all the move prep – packing boxes, disassembling furniture, deciding what can go in my car/my friend’s car – oh and then the week of the physical move – physically exhausting. 

I get to Louisville and everything shuts down – everything. I can’t even see family for awhile.  

I’ve left my solid support system and am now living in the desert. 

Initially it didn’t bother me too much, but as things have dragged on with no end in sight. . . well, that wears on a person. 

Additional stress came after the physical move. . .selling my St. Louis home, closing out MO tax stuff for my business, starting up tax stuff in KY, and drivers license & plates (took    7 months). . .and much more.

And now, plowing into starting over, entering as a nobody – no one knows my history or anything I’ve done – not that I’m looking for any kind of fame – just credibility.

The worst part?  Not knowing what to do next.  God has been quite silent about this.  My head understands I can trust Him & that He has a plan.  My heart hasn’t caught up.  I like to say – I know God has a plan, I just don’t like this part. Truth. 

Please understand I don’t want to know the whole picture.  I’m just looking for direction for where to focus.  Maybe you are looking for that too.  Often on this journey, we find ourselves in the oddest of places, don’t we?

Focusing on the road before us as widows & widowers…and then  bravery fatigue.  We have been brave for so long.  We have stepped up, moved forward, made decisions. . .and we are tired. 

So I’m talking to me as much as I am to you. We get each other.  We understand where others outside of our walk do not. 

Find strength in calling it what it is.  This really does help.  And then lay down your sword for a few – a few minutes, hours, days.  Then pick it back up and take a step forward.  Even when we don’t know what’s next we can do what we know – right here, right now. 

Me?  I’m going to focus on my writing.  While I do that, I’ll keep listening for God’s voice – His prompting.  I’m going to trust – believe – hope. 

That’s what I offer to you friend. 

Lay down your sword – rest – pick it back up – take a step – do what you know – listen for God’s prompting. 

My dear fellow grief travelers. . .I’m sending you peace & blessings.

 

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I’m back. . .here’s what’s happened

Wow! I haven’t posted on Beyond Ashes since November.  That’s a long time!  Let me tell you what’s been happening. 

Remember I talked about moving?  Well, I did it.  The last few months have been grueling to say the least.  While I’ve had invaluable help from a neighbor, a mechanic friend & a few guys from church, the rest of…..well, everything……has been done by me.  Yes…………I am tired. 

Widow or not, it’s been beyond difficult & definitely overwhelming.  Even though it’s my 14th move, it is the first one done completely alone in 40 years.  So….as you can imagine, I’m physically, psychologically and emotionally spent. 

But what I want to encourage you with is this – moving is totally possible.  And don’t tell yourself that you can’t do it – YOU CAN !!!   

My advice, now that I’m on the other side is – think it through, pray about it, do your homework & then do more homework, and take help/look for help with every aspect – – – financial planning, logistics, selling stuff, hauling stuff away, buying/selling, etc. etc.  Every part as it comes along the way – pick someone’s brain.  We don’t realize it till we need it, but there are people all around us with a wealth of experience & knowledge.  I believe God places them in our life to help with all the stuff that is unknown to us.  After all, we used to be two people – two brains with knowledge – two people juggling all the details – two people which meant accountability.  So. . . . don’t be afraid, and make a list of people who can help with whatever. 

Where was I?  St. Louis.  Where am I now?  Louisville, KY.  Reason??  To be near family.  My son & family live about 15 minutes away.  My daughter & family are now only one day drive away & $150 less airfare round trip.  The irony???  This crazy Covid-19.  Yep – in addition to the trauma of moving – let’s just add a virus that has mega complicated life.  But I’m doing it.  There was a little planning ahead which helped.  I had family that brought some food initially, as well as a fabulous daughter-in-love who stocked my refrigerator & provided peanut butter etc. for me – BIG Thanks!  

This is what I want you to see.  Please don’t look at me as some sort of Superwoman.  I. Am. Not.  I want you to see that should you feel a move is the right thing to do, it is possible & you are able to get through it.  You will be afraid at times, that’s normal.  But I promise, you will make it through.  Reach out to friends at church, neighbors, colleagues – everyone in your sphere of influence.  Encouragers – look for those in your life that encourage you – the for real kind, not the kind that is just lip service.  They will help you be brave & courageous.  Not only that, but as one who has traveled this arduous journey – I Believe In You !!!!!! 

So there you have it – – – – – finally a post from me & an explanation.  I’m sure you can understand why I’ve been a little over my head for a few months.  I will try to be more faithful sharing more that ties into the grief journey – because this move has unearthed things connected to grief that I had not considered, or thought I had dealt with before.  Grief…………….doesn’t play fair.  But we can get through that too………….together.  

Peace & Blessings to all of you……………….

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Being Brave

We all know that early in our grief journey even little things trigger tears – a memory, a picture, a song . . . so many things.  But what I’ve realized as time goes on is this. It’s not just the obvious.  Sometimes the flood of tears or sword to the heart can be triggered by life events or sudden relationship changes or a huge disappointment.  It seems that anything and everything that affects our timeline can throw us.  Not happy news, but knowing this may help me – and you – deal with it when it pops up.  Perhaps being able to identify it when it happens will bring some sense of understanding.  Here’s hoping.

Recently I did something brave  – at least I felt it was brave for a widow.  I agreed to meet two Christian men and no – not at the same time.  I truly went with an open hand.  If there was a spark – OK, if not, OK.  Well – the first one wasn’t a match.  But it was good to know for certain there was to be no connection.  The second was MIA with no communication.  I was stood up – rejected – standing alone.

Once I got home and was able to relax, I crashed and burned.  There were so many reasons why, not the least of which was tied to grief. I no longer felt brave.

Yes!  I had good moments to reflect on and a wonderful visit with family on the way home.  But I also experienced the crashing in of all the emotion and stress involved. Hopes dashed. Questions about my future. Fear – and feeling intensely alone.

It’s scary putting yourself out there.  And, it’s stressful being on high alert as well as trying to sort out emotions.  Dating again after 40 years is not for the faint of heart. 

That said, with some time put behind me, I know I’m stronger and wiser.  Individual experiences don’t define me.  But they help shape who I am.  They add value to this well traveled person.  And in this instance, it helps me know more certainly what I’m looking for.  You see, it’s as important to know what you don’t want as it is to know what you do.

So a couple things here – FIRST of all – simply know that somewhere along the way a life event wrapped up in emotion might trigger a significant grief reaction.  It’s OK!   Roll with it and know you will be stronger and better on the other side.  And SECONDLY – if and when you put yourself out there again, know that you may encounter the wrong person(s) and it’s OK!  Learn what you don’t want and move forward to find the right one.

FYI – I’m still waiting for mine.