Tag: being alone

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Overwhelmed

As I look around the house, in some places I see that time has passed.  In other places it’s as though time is standing still.

For a long while, I kept everything the same.  After my husband, Tracy, died 4 1/2 years ago, leaving it all as it was, was comforting.  So much had changed because of his death.  So much.  I couldn’t face any more.

Time is a funny thing.  In some ways it helps me move forward.  In other ways I wish I could go backward in time. 

I’ve learned so much through Tracy’s death and trying to keep living.  Many times it feels like I take 2 steps forward and one back.  I know I’m making progress, but sometimes it just seems so tough.

Each night when I go to bed, I wonder if I should set my alarm or not.  Sometimes I need to because of an appointment, but other times I could wake up whenever.

Recently though, I made the decision to schedule important items first thing in the morning.  I really do have much to accomplish each day.  So I decided to apply some structure to my life.  It’s the way I’m continuing to live.  No matter what, life does go on.  By structuring part of my day, it helps me take those steps forward. 

Often it feels like I’m in never-never land.  It’s such a strange journey.  There’s much out of my control.  There are lots of days when I feel like the world is still moving, events still happening, and I’m standing still.

Maybe the worst part is all the decisions.  Decisions about property, house and worst of all – paperwork.  At one time there were several piles of paperwork.  I filled out forms, attached death certificates and went to either the post office to send the documents, or to the UPS store to fax.

In the beginning, it was simple stuff like what to eat.  What church service do I want to go to?  And then it moved on to – what am I going to do about Thanksgiving? Christmas?  Oh dear God, I don’t want to be alone. 

Now, being this far out, it’s more the decisions about house and property.  Mowing, staining the deck, roof leak, car issues, fixing toilets, window replacements, AC issues, shoveling snow, spot seeding the lawn etc. etc.  You get the idea.

When does this all get better?  I sure wish I had an answer.  But for now, it’s a matter of dealing with things one step at a time.  God is walking with me and that helps so much.  Things seem bleak and uncertain, but I know God has a plan – and His Word says it’s good.  No matter what I face or how I feel, I choose to trust Him.  God is greatest & He knows best. 

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Alone. . .

Being Alone

Life, or rather death, has dealt the most awful blow to us.  We’ve lost that other part of ourselves.  Whether slowly to cancer or Alzheimer’s….. or suddenly as in a traffic accident, pulmonary embolism or other tragic event – they are gone.   And after the flurry of activity during the first week or two, life can still seem rather busy or full during the day.  We spend hours on the phone, filling out forms/paperwork, driving here & there – just getting through the logistics after a death.   But once that’s done, then what?

Days & Nights

While you may not be like me, let me tell you how this has rolled in my life.  You hopefully will relate on some level, though we all experience this rodeo in our own way – the components may be different, but the feelings can be the same or similar.  During the day for me,  it’s relatively easy.  There’s the list to tackle, doctor appointments, a little work, house duties, property stuff, errands to run.  But at the end of the day – literally – it’s the nights that can be so hard.  What’s there to do?  Oh yes – sometimes I have a ticket to go to a special event.  I have choir practice one night and facilitate a women’s bible study another night – but even those………………..I finish and drive home. . .alone.

The House

I always leave the porch light on as well as a couple lamps inside  on timers.  I absolutely hate walking into a dark house.  The first few minutes I’m putting things away, taking my coat off (if it’s cool/cold weather) and check phone messages.  I have some dear friends that I text “Home” to – it’s a safety thing and I love them for that.  OK – so that’s done………………….no matter what I choose to do – read a book, watch tv, watch recorded stuff, play on my phone or whatever – it’s empty.  There’s no one to share what’s happened during the day – no one to have a disagreement with – no one to laugh with or watch tv with or plan what to do next weekend with…………..no one.  It gets old…………after nearly 4 years, it’s so very old.  And I suspect it’s something that wears on you as well.

Coping

Coping – surviving – navigating forward…………………it’s what we do.  I’ve found that what helps me is to focus on it being MY TIME.  I find pleasure in what I choose to do instead of who I don’t have with me.  I look forward to watching what I recorded – there was no time to watch it before, so now I can enjoy it minus commercials – don’t you just love that???  I may hit the hay early and read a good book……….it really does lift my spirit to immerse myself in an imaginary place with imaginary people – or read about someone’s life – someone who went through stuff and came out better on the other side.  If I feel the need to simply check out from everyone and everything, I thoroughly enjoy playing on my phone – can I just say Pinterest??  I’ve found really wonderful recipes there and ideas for DIY or for making gifts, stuff for grandchildren………..ETC……………….  It’s my focus………..it’s a choice.  It’s taken time to do this well.  Early on – not so much.  Early on I would watch tv and just be sad.  I think it takes awhile for our mind & heart to move forward. Absolutely EVERYTHING in our life changes when we lose our spouse.  So it takes awhile to find a new normal……………..a new groove, even if that groove is all over the place.  So let me just encourage you to allow for time……………..and I know – I kind of hate that word too.  Seems like everyone says it takes time…………….but there’s no way around it – it just does…………take……………time.

Hang In There

Take it from one who may not be doing this perfectly, but has figured out some things along the nearly 4 year journey……………..hang in there.  Sometimes we just have to hold our breath and get through another day –  another night.  I promise that “better” days are ahead. (better in quotes, because there really isn’t a good word in any language to explain)  No matter what point in your journey you are reading this, hold on.  Sometimes the best thing we can do is simply hold on, take one step forward and see what happens.  If you are a person of faith, cling to that.  Statistics prove that a person of ANY faith will meet life’s challenges/tragedies better than a person with ZERO faith.  So if it’s been awhile since you were in church – give it a whirl.  It’s most definitely time to get back in the saddle – one step at a time.  My faith & my church have helped me feel not alone.  In my world, God is walking this thing with me.  And the faith folk in my life, along with some treasured friends, are walking it with me too.  They accept me as I am and encourage me when it’s tough.  Honestly – my faith & faith partners are the most significant puzzle pieces in my life.  Oh how I pray that you have this too.  If not – give it a try.  Seriously, what do you have to lose…………except being alone.