Tag: Alone

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Starting Another Year……….Alone

So I’m starting another year alone………………you too?   Not the greatest is it?   But here we are.  And so while I don’t have profound words of wisdom, I’ll share how I’m processing this and maybe it will help you – or it might give you an idea on how you can process your own grief journey starting another year.

New Years Eve was a little better for me, thanks to a dear widow friend who invited me to have dinner at a local restaurant with some other widow friends of mine.  I affectionately call them my widow gang.  The distraction of chatting about whatever and laughing at various things, was definitely a help. Then we went to one of their homes and watched a movie.  Of course after that, I went home – alone.  But by then I just really wanted to be by myself.  

I wasted time watching tv and then went to bed to read.  It was a new book and I confess I got so invested in it that I read till almost midnight.  Midnight – I heard the fireworks in the neighborhood and realized………..the new year had begun, no matter what.  Isn’t it interesting how part of our life stops, but the rest of the world keeps going on…….and on……..and on??

New Years Day started out pretty sad, so I enjoyed an extra cup of coffee and staying in my PJs.  But the sadness eased as I headed into the day.  I baked a new bread recipe and got my black eyed peas going in the small crockpot.  Then late afternoon, I put together a new yellow squash recipe – – – spoiler alert – it’s a keeper & can be easily doubled etc.  Yay!  

Also in retrospect, the passing of the the year and start of the next may have affected me a bit more because I was seriously tired and recovering from driving 600 miles the day before.  

But the ending & beginning bothered me more this year, I think, because I couldn’t sense a “word” or a specific focus/direction from God.  At the end of each year, I pray and look for not a resolution, but a direction – a reset – that sort of thing.  This year – I only came up with a couple things.  They may not sound profound or imaginative, but for the moment, I think it suits me. 

So for this year, 2024, I’m a student –  taking masters classes at a local seminary.   In addition – I’m praying a couple things – may God order my steps and above all – may God heal my heart.  I continue to walk through this life with a broken heart.  And before any other Christians out there try to counsel me – It really is well with my soul – – – – – it’s just not great with  my heart.  After talking this over with a very dear friend who lost her husband 3  months before me – 10 years ago – we  are experiencing the same thing.  Nothing is affecting our faith – we still have joy in the Lord – but our heart seems to be permanently shattered.  Who knows – maybe it has to do with the 10 year mark…….honestly friends………I have no idea.  I’m as clueless as the rest of you.  

Through every year, God has proved faithful.  I know He will continue to be faithful.  My faith is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.  I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.  On Christ the solid rock I stand – all other ground is sinking sand.   

I pray that God will grant each one of us comfort, peace and healing.  

 

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Support & Prayer When Alone

Illness – surgery – medical procedure……………………………….

When on the grief journey, these things come along as part of life.  But isn’t it true that they also point a singular arrow at us that says – alone?  

I’m a member of two Facebook groups for those widowed.  They are wonderful, safe places to talk about anything.  And one of the recurring subjects is prayers for an illness, or upcoming surgery, or a medical procedure. One thing I love about these two groups is that we rally around each other.  It’s more than just friendly support.  It says loud and clear that we are not alone……………even though we are facing whatever it is without our spouse. . . feeling so very alone.  

Do you have a group from church, dear friends who are neighbors, work people, or folks you feel close to from a grief group, that you can share these type of burdens with?  Even though we aren’t together in the regular sense of the word community, we can reach out digitally or outside on the sidewalk/driveway.  And we need to do that – you need to do that – I need to do that.  

You are probably wondering what in the world nudged me to write on this subject.  I’m so glad you asked!

On October 4th I was exposed to someone with Covid.  I lost my sense of taste and smell on Friday, October 9th.  October 10th I got tested and it’s positive.  So I’m isolated for 10 days.  News like that is always a bit surprising, but I’ve learned over many years to take the news, think about things logically at first and then execute a plan.  It was that evening that I crumbled a bit when realizing I was facing another medical thing. . .alone.  

Now before you think I’m depressed or not able to cope. . . .abandon that thought.  I only have the one symptom and am doing well.  My momentary spiral down was just that – momentary.  The deal was that the real surprise wasn’t the test results – it was the brick of “aloneness” that hit me. 

And because I’m not the only one going through things like this, my thoughts turned towards you.  I want you to know that you aren’t the only one that feels that way.  And – just knowing that, I hope, will make you smile and realize that it’s all going to be ok.  And – if you are going through something, comment and I will certainly pray for you.  You are not alone.  Believe that. 

In addition to that – please take a moment and identify your core people.  Think for a moment about whatever groups you’re a part of – on Facebook or at church or work.  We all have our close-to-us people – then our next circle out – good friends – then the friendly acquaintances.  So identify your “go-to” peeps ahead of time.  Because like it or not, at some point, you will have something in your life, medical or not, where you will need support.  Oh – and let’s not forget family.  Family can be such a great comfort and support.  Why didn’t I suggest that earlier?  Probably because I’ve seen those widowed whose families are not supportive or even friendly.  So if that’s you, take heart that we can choose the people who can lovingly share our burdens.  I have a wonderful family, and feel so very blessed.  In particular, my dear children and their spouses are amazing.  They reach out to me in love, which is priceless. 

While I had my moment Saturday night, I’m feeling confident that God is walking with me through everything.  I want to encourage you to feel confident too as you realize you are not alone.  We’ve both come so far on this journey.  And yes, there’s probably a long way to go, but since we’ve made it this far, I know we will make it to the finish line – courageous and triumphant.  

 

 

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Being Brave

We all know that early in our grief journey even little things trigger tears – a memory, a picture, a song . . . so many things.  But what I’ve realized as time goes on is this. It’s not just the obvious.  Sometimes the flood of tears or sword to the heart can be triggered by life events or sudden relationship changes or a huge disappointment.  It seems that anything and everything that affects our timeline can throw us.  Not happy news, but knowing this may help me – and you – deal with it when it pops up.  Perhaps being able to identify it when it happens will bring some sense of understanding.  Here’s hoping.

Recently I did something brave  – at least I felt it was brave for a widow.  I agreed to meet two Christian men and no – not at the same time.  I truly went with an open hand.  If there was a spark – OK, if not, OK.  Well – the first one wasn’t a match.  But it was good to know for certain there was to be no connection.  The second was MIA with no communication.  I was stood up – rejected – standing alone.

Once I got home and was able to relax, I crashed and burned.  There were so many reasons why, not the least of which was tied to grief. I no longer felt brave.

Yes!  I had good moments to reflect on and a wonderful visit with family on the way home.  But I also experienced the crashing in of all the emotion and stress involved. Hopes dashed. Questions about my future. Fear – and feeling intensely alone.

It’s scary putting yourself out there.  And, it’s stressful being on high alert as well as trying to sort out emotions.  Dating again after 40 years is not for the faint of heart. 

That said, with some time put behind me, I know I’m stronger and wiser.  Individual experiences don’t define me.  But they help shape who I am.  They add value to this well traveled person.  And in this instance, it helps me know more certainly what I’m looking for.  You see, it’s as important to know what you don’t want as it is to know what you do.

So a couple things here – FIRST of all – simply know that somewhere along the way a life event wrapped up in emotion might trigger a significant grief reaction.  It’s OK!   Roll with it and know you will be stronger and better on the other side.  And SECONDLY – if and when you put yourself out there again, know that you may encounter the wrong person(s) and it’s OK!  Learn what you don’t want and move forward to find the right one.

FYI – I’m still waiting for mine.

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Marking the Years. . .

4 Years

Tomorrow (4/1/18) marks 4 years that my husband Tracy has been gone.  There are things about tomorrow that will be so very tough.  And then there are things about it, because it’s Easter, that make it not as tough.

My heart is definitely rejoicing that Tracy is healed and whole – no more cancer.   Gosh I hate cancer.   He fought it hard.  The last 3 months were very hard for me too.  With cancer, you literally watch the person diminish and die.  In the end you simply don’t want them to suffer any more.

But – while my heart rejoices that he’s healed, my heart is also extremely sad.  My mind goes back and replays the last 24 hours of life.  Sometimes I try to figure out if there was something more I should have done.  But really, I know there was not anything else I could have done.  And even if there was something that could have helped him stay longer, would that have been fair?  I don’t think so.  Perhaps the terrible pain on the day of marking is because I miss him so much – This is completely wrong – It was never supposed to be like this – I want him back.

So  much has happened since he passed.  There are 3 more grandchildren he never met.  It was so hard as I welcomed them alone.  And – I’m just so tired of being alone, doing everything alone.

Many call it the anniversary of their loved one’s death.  And yes, it is.  But – I don’t want to assign it as an anniversary.  Anniversaries should be happy, not filled with pain.  So I’m going to call it the day that marks his death.  Maybe there’s another word or phrase, but for now, this is what I’m calling it.  If any of you have something that works for you, please comment and share it with me.  If I like it better, I might just use it too.

So what’s the point of this blog entry?  This one is completely for me, I’m afraid.  I’m not even home as I write this.  I’m visiting my daughter, her husband and my sweet granddaughter.  They didn’t want me to be alone tomorrow.  I love my family.

I know there are widows & widowers that read my blog – so this is me working through what tomorrow is going to bring.  I pray that on the marked day of your loved one’s death, that God will hold you in His arms – that you will have good memories  – that you will have friends or family to spend it with – that you will remember this blog entry and know you are not alone in all you feel.

May the God of comfort & peace surround us all as we walk this grief journey.

 

 

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Alone. . .

Being Alone

Life, or rather death, has dealt the most awful blow to us.  We’ve lost that other part of ourselves.  Whether slowly to cancer or Alzheimer’s….. or suddenly as in a traffic accident, pulmonary embolism or other tragic event – they are gone.   And after the flurry of activity during the first week or two, life can still seem rather busy or full during the day.  We spend hours on the phone, filling out forms/paperwork, driving here & there – just getting through the logistics after a death.   But once that’s done, then what?

Days & Nights

While you may not be like me, let me tell you how this has rolled in my life.  You hopefully will relate on some level, though we all experience this rodeo in our own way – the components may be different, but the feelings can be the same or similar.  During the day for me,  it’s relatively easy.  There’s the list to tackle, doctor appointments, a little work, house duties, property stuff, errands to run.  But at the end of the day – literally – it’s the nights that can be so hard.  What’s there to do?  Oh yes – sometimes I have a ticket to go to a special event.  I have choir practice one night and facilitate a women’s bible study another night – but even those………………..I finish and drive home. . .alone.

The House

I always leave the porch light on as well as a couple lamps inside  on timers.  I absolutely hate walking into a dark house.  The first few minutes I’m putting things away, taking my coat off (if it’s cool/cold weather) and check phone messages.  I have some dear friends that I text “Home” to – it’s a safety thing and I love them for that.  OK – so that’s done………………….no matter what I choose to do – read a book, watch tv, watch recorded stuff, play on my phone or whatever – it’s empty.  There’s no one to share what’s happened during the day – no one to have a disagreement with – no one to laugh with or watch tv with or plan what to do next weekend with…………..no one.  It gets old…………after nearly 4 years, it’s so very old.  And I suspect it’s something that wears on you as well.

Coping

Coping – surviving – navigating forward…………………it’s what we do.  I’ve found that what helps me is to focus on it being MY TIME.  I find pleasure in what I choose to do instead of who I don’t have with me.  I look forward to watching what I recorded – there was no time to watch it before, so now I can enjoy it minus commercials – don’t you just love that???  I may hit the hay early and read a good book……….it really does lift my spirit to immerse myself in an imaginary place with imaginary people – or read about someone’s life – someone who went through stuff and came out better on the other side.  If I feel the need to simply check out from everyone and everything, I thoroughly enjoy playing on my phone – can I just say Pinterest??  I’ve found really wonderful recipes there and ideas for DIY or for making gifts, stuff for grandchildren………..ETC……………….  It’s my focus………..it’s a choice.  It’s taken time to do this well.  Early on – not so much.  Early on I would watch tv and just be sad.  I think it takes awhile for our mind & heart to move forward. Absolutely EVERYTHING in our life changes when we lose our spouse.  So it takes awhile to find a new normal……………..a new groove, even if that groove is all over the place.  So let me just encourage you to allow for time……………..and I know – I kind of hate that word too.  Seems like everyone says it takes time…………….but there’s no way around it – it just does…………take……………time.

Hang In There

Take it from one who may not be doing this perfectly, but has figured out some things along the nearly 4 year journey……………..hang in there.  Sometimes we just have to hold our breath and get through another day –  another night.  I promise that “better” days are ahead. (better in quotes, because there really isn’t a good word in any language to explain)  No matter what point in your journey you are reading this, hold on.  Sometimes the best thing we can do is simply hold on, take one step forward and see what happens.  If you are a person of faith, cling to that.  Statistics prove that a person of ANY faith will meet life’s challenges/tragedies better than a person with ZERO faith.  So if it’s been awhile since you were in church – give it a whirl.  It’s most definitely time to get back in the saddle – one step at a time.  My faith & my church have helped me feel not alone.  In my world, God is walking this thing with me.  And the faith folk in my life, along with some treasured friends, are walking it with me too.  They accept me as I am and encourage me when it’s tough.  Honestly – my faith & faith partners are the most significant puzzle pieces in my life.  Oh how I pray that you have this too.  If not – give it a try.  Seriously, what do you have to lose…………except being alone.