As I look around the house, in some places I see that time has passed. In other places it’s as though time is standing still.
For a long while, I kept everything the same. After my husband, Tracy, died 4 1/2 years ago, leaving it all as it was, was comforting. So much had changed because of his death. So much. I couldn’t face any more.
Time is a funny thing. In some ways it helps me move forward. In other ways I wish I could go backward in time.
I’ve learned so much through Tracy’s death and trying to keep living. Many times it feels like I take 2 steps forward and one back. I know I’m making progress, but sometimes it just seems so tough.
Each night when I go to bed, I wonder if I should set my alarm or not. Sometimes I need to because of an appointment, but other times I could wake up whenever.
Recently though, I made the decision to schedule important items first thing in the morning. I really do have much to accomplish each day. So I decided to apply some structure to my life. It’s the way I’m continuing to live. No matter what, life does go on. By structuring part of my day, it helps me take those steps forward.
Often it feels like I’m in never-never land. It’s such a strange journey. There’s much out of my control. There are lots of days when I feel like the world is still moving, events still happening, and I’m standing still.
Maybe the worst part is all the decisions. Decisions about property, house and worst of all – paperwork. At one time there were several piles of paperwork. I filled out forms, attached death certificates and went to either the post office to send the documents, or to the UPS store to fax.
In the beginning, it was simple stuff like what to eat. What church service do I want to go to? And then it moved on to – what am I going to do about Thanksgiving? Christmas? Oh dear God, I don’t want to be alone.
Now, being this far out, it’s more the decisions about house and property. Mowing, staining the deck, roof leak, car issues, fixing toilets, window replacements, AC issues, shoveling snow, spot seeding the lawn etc. etc. You get the idea.
When does this all get better? I sure wish I had an answer. But for now, it’s a matter of dealing with things one step at a time. God is walking with me and that helps so much. Things seem bleak and uncertain, but I know God has a plan – and His Word says it’s good. No matter what I face or how I feel, I choose to trust Him. God is greatest & He knows best.
Thank you Deb for sharing this. I didn’t realize that you and I were so connected in our loss. My husband died April 2, 2018 the day after Easter from cancer. You are correct in everything you wrote here the pain, loneliness (which is the hardest for me too), moving forward (even though you don’t know how.). It’s only been 5 months and the holiday are coming and I have to admit that I have found that things just aren’t the same anymore with him not there. I miss talking to him about my day, the hugs and kisses I miss the most. I just don’t feel like I will ever be happy again. I know God has a plan even though I don’t know what that is right now all I can do is get up in the morning and push my self forward through the day. I have started a new job because I need the money but it is very stressful with everything that gas to be learned and I am struggling with it. I feel like crying all the time. I just don’t know if I’m ready fir this job right now. I know I need to get back to church on Sundays but sometimes it’s just hard to get out of bed. Thank you so much for sharing this.
I remember having no desire to make choices of any kind. I had made so many life changing decisions in a short amount of time. It was so hard. Simple questions like where would you like to go for dinner would just send me over the edge.