Do you have some days where you are running low on energy, but others when it seems ok? Yeah – me too. And after over 4 years, I have – after ruling out normal reasons – come to the conclusion that it’s a part of grief.
On dark, cloudy days, I totally get why I feel like a slug. But days like today – bright, sun-shiny, beautiful – it makes no sense.
In the first year and a bit beyond, I could see the truth in the saying that grief is exhausting. There were days and parts of days where my broken heart expressed itself by floods of tears. And I remembered the scripture that says God keeps all our tears in a bottle. Then, as now, I wonder how big my bottle is or how many bottles are assigned to me.
But as I sit here, my eyes tear up as I feel this lack of energy and motivation. So much to do – I want to move – but I sit here sipping coffee in my robe at 9:45 am. It’s a holiday – so while this is not my usual routine, it’s ok. And I promise, once I finish writing this, I will move these bones.
I’m trying to embrace these static moments as a gift. Too many run in terror from the stilling of motion and solitary minutes. But the rest of life is overfull. So I’m trying to take deep breaths, enjoy the comfort of my coffee, and be still.
When I’m not fighting the push of energy and to-do lists, I notice the woods behind my house. I reflect on the blessing of children and grandchildren. I think about my life – how far I’ve come since Tracy died, and possibilities for the future. And I look around my home as if seeing it after being gone for a long time. I love my home and the things in it. But how often do I look around, drink in the sight of it and smile? Almost never.
This energy thing – if you are experiencing this motion stopping lack of motivation, you are not alone. It may take some time but try to accept it as a sort of gift. If tears flow and your heart breaks, let them flow – feel the break. And know this – you will never have to cry those exact tears again. In God’s grace, we feel this grief and cry through things one small part at a time. Otherwise this pain would kill us.
So here’s to permission to be ok with energy lacking, zero motivation times. Join me in trying to embrace the stillness. Join me in appreciating the segments of the day when time stops. Maybe you and I need to take these times, not looking back or ahead. Perhaps the real gift is to take note of the present – – – – this very moment.