4 Years
Tomorrow (4/1/18) marks 4 years that my husband Tracy has been gone. There are things about tomorrow that will be so very tough. And then there are things about it, because it’s Easter, that make it not as tough.
My heart is definitely rejoicing that Tracy is healed and whole – no more cancer. Gosh I hate cancer. He fought it hard. The last 3 months were very hard for me too. With cancer, you literally watch the person diminish and die. In the end you simply don’t want them to suffer any more.
But – while my heart rejoices that he’s healed, my heart is also extremely sad. My mind goes back and replays the last 24 hours of life. Sometimes I try to figure out if there was something more I should have done. But really, I know there was not anything else I could have done. And even if there was something that could have helped him stay longer, would that have been fair? I don’t think so. Perhaps the terrible pain on the day of marking is because I miss him so much – This is completely wrong – It was never supposed to be like this – I want him back.
So much has happened since he passed. There are 3 more grandchildren he never met. It was so hard as I welcomed them alone. And – I’m just so tired of being alone, doing everything alone.
Many call it the anniversary of their loved one’s death. And yes, it is. But – I don’t want to assign it as an anniversary. Anniversaries should be happy, not filled with pain. So I’m going to call it the day that marks his death. Maybe there’s another word or phrase, but for now, this is what I’m calling it. If any of you have something that works for you, please comment and share it with me. If I like it better, I might just use it too.
So what’s the point of this blog entry? This one is completely for me, I’m afraid. I’m not even home as I write this. I’m visiting my daughter, her husband and my sweet granddaughter. They didn’t want me to be alone tomorrow. I love my family.
I know there are widows & widowers that read my blog – so this is me working through what tomorrow is going to bring. I pray that on the marked day of your loved one’s death, that God will hold you in His arms – that you will have good memories – that you will have friends or family to spend it with – that you will remember this blog entry and know you are not alone in all you feel.
May the God of comfort & peace surround us all as we walk this grief journey.
Grief is a strange thing, that shows up in strange ways, in strange places. I don’t talk about my grief much, because I sit in a territory that many do not recognize, or understand. Even tho I have SO many lovely wonderful people surrounding me with love and support, grief will rear its head on occasion. Other times, I feel like I must be being disrespectful of my (dad,mom, brother) family, because I don’t grieve enough. So strange really. But thank you, for sharing yourself, and thank you for not calling it an “anniversary” because it clearly is not that. And thank you, for this avenue, this place to safely talk at this moment.
Thank you for your thoughts Andrea. You are so right – it’s your walk, not someone else’s. I’ve had people tell me outright or infer that I need to be over this. I’ll never be over it, but I am moving forward. I am constantly letting go and I know that’s as it should be. Still – grief can just crash in. Right now I see it as God possibly allowing me to stay in touch with the pain, so I can listen better, feel deeper, be a better grief coach/friend. Hang in there Andrea………….you are doing great. And you are not being disrespectful to family………..we all honor our loved ones in our own way. Feel free to comment anytime. Love you……..
Deb,
I will hold you up in prayer tomorrow. I totally understand that it’s tough to be happy on these anniversary dates. Maybe this is their heavenly birthday that we celebrate with them. But since tomorrow is Easter, at least for this year it can be Tracy’s Resurrection Day.
Love ya. Happy Easter! Joan