Bravery Fatigue – that’s what I have going on these days. You too??
I’m not sure, but I think this bravery fatigue might be somewhat cumulative. Then again, I believe it’s intensified because of the pandemic. Goodness – this pandemic has fatigued everyone for one reason or another. We are all tired. . . so tired.
My story – 6 1/2 years long at this point. . .emphasis on the word long. And even as I write that, I know there are others widowed that have walked this grief journey a lot longer. I salute all of you !!
We, the widowed, have to make life decisions – decisions so very gigantic – we make them alone for the first time in our adult life. I am ever grateful that God helped me remember the logistics of past life decisions my husband & I made over our 37 1/2 years together. I’m also very thankful for the people with specific expertise along the way. I believe God had us cross paths in order to add to my wisdom quotient. Believe me, I needed it.
This year is perhaps the straw that is breaking this camel’s back.
In March, I moved from St. Louis, MO to Louisville, KY. Mind you, that is after all the huge decisions & hurdles in 2019/early 2020 – deciding where to move, much downsizing, signing to begin building a home, deciding on a realtor, researching the market, vetting a mover, all the move prep – packing boxes, disassembling furniture, deciding what can go in my car/my friend’s car – oh and then the week of the physical move – physically exhausting.
I get to Louisville and everything shuts down – everything. I can’t even see family for awhile.
I’ve left my solid support system and am now living in the desert.
Initially it didn’t bother me too much, but as things have dragged on with no end in sight. . . well, that wears on a person.
Additional stress came after the physical move. . .selling my St. Louis home, closing out MO tax stuff for my business, starting up tax stuff in KY, and drivers license & plates (took 7 months). . .and much more.
And now, plowing into starting over, entering as a nobody – no one knows my history or anything I’ve done – not that I’m looking for any kind of fame – just credibility.
The worst part? Not knowing what to do next. God has been quite silent about this. My head understands I can trust Him & that He has a plan. My heart hasn’t caught up. I like to say – I know God has a plan, I just don’t like this part. Truth.
Please understand I don’t want to know the whole picture. I’m just looking for direction for where to focus. Maybe you are looking for that too. Often on this journey, we find ourselves in the oddest of places, don’t we?
Focusing on the road before us as widows & widowers…and then bravery fatigue. We have been brave for so long. We have stepped up, moved forward, made decisions. . .and we are tired.
So I’m talking to me as much as I am to you. We get each other. We understand where others outside of our walk do not.
Find strength in calling it what it is. This really does help. And then lay down your sword for a few – a few minutes, hours, days. Then pick it back up and take a step forward. Even when we don’t know what’s next we can do what we know – right here, right now.
Me? I’m going to focus on my writing. While I do that, I’ll keep listening for God’s voice – His prompting. I’m going to trust – believe – hope.
That’s what I offer to you friend.
Lay down your sword – rest – pick it back up – take a step – do what you know – listen for God’s prompting.
My dear fellow grief travelers. . .I’m sending you peace & blessings.