I’m Tired Of Being Brave

Bravery Fatigue – that’s what I have going on these days.  You too??

I’m not sure, but I think this bravery fatigue might be somewhat cumulative.  Then again, I believe it’s intensified because of the pandemic.  Goodness – this pandemic has fatigued everyone for one reason or another.  We are all tired. . . so tired. 

My story – 6 1/2 years long at this point. . .emphasis on the word long.  And even as I write that, I know there are others widowed that have walked this grief journey a lot longer.  I salute all of you !!

We, the widowed, have to make life decisions – decisions so very gigantic – we make them alone for the first time in our adult life.  I am ever grateful that God helped me remember the logistics of past life decisions my husband & I made over our 37 1/2 years together.  I’m also very thankful for the people with specific expertise along the way.  I believe God had us cross paths in order to add to my wisdom quotient.  Believe me, I needed it. 

This year is perhaps the straw that is breaking this camel’s back. 

In March, I moved from St. Louis, MO to Louisville, KY.  Mind you, that is after all the huge decisions & hurdles in 2019/early 2020 – deciding where to move, much downsizing, signing to begin building a home, deciding on a realtor, researching the market, vetting a mover, all the move prep – packing boxes, disassembling furniture, deciding what can go in my car/my friend’s car – oh and then the week of the physical move – physically exhausting. 

I get to Louisville and everything shuts down – everything. I can’t even see family for awhile.  

I’ve left my solid support system and am now living in the desert. 

Initially it didn’t bother me too much, but as things have dragged on with no end in sight. . . well, that wears on a person. 

Additional stress came after the physical move. . .selling my St. Louis home, closing out MO tax stuff for my business, starting up tax stuff in KY, and drivers license & plates (took    7 months). . .and much more.

And now, plowing into starting over, entering as a nobody – no one knows my history or anything I’ve done – not that I’m looking for any kind of fame – just credibility.

The worst part?  Not knowing what to do next.  God has been quite silent about this.  My head understands I can trust Him & that He has a plan.  My heart hasn’t caught up.  I like to say – I know God has a plan, I just don’t like this part. Truth. 

Please understand I don’t want to know the whole picture.  I’m just looking for direction for where to focus.  Maybe you are looking for that too.  Often on this journey, we find ourselves in the oddest of places, don’t we?

Focusing on the road before us as widows & widowers…and then  bravery fatigue.  We have been brave for so long.  We have stepped up, moved forward, made decisions. . .and we are tired. 

So I’m talking to me as much as I am to you. We get each other.  We understand where others outside of our walk do not. 

Find strength in calling it what it is.  This really does help.  And then lay down your sword for a few – a few minutes, hours, days.  Then pick it back up and take a step forward.  Even when we don’t know what’s next we can do what we know – right here, right now. 

Me?  I’m going to focus on my writing.  While I do that, I’ll keep listening for God’s voice – His prompting.  I’m going to trust – believe – hope. 

That’s what I offer to you friend. 

Lay down your sword – rest – pick it back up – take a step – do what you know – listen for God’s prompting. 

My dear fellow grief travelers. . .I’m sending you peace & blessings.

 

Permission to rest. . . . . .

If you read the previous posts, you know that I moved from MO to KY – 4 months ago.  It was certainly challenging, but I did it.  

Truth is, it’s been challenging and stressful for a year & a half.  It was even more crazy stressful the last 4 months.

As an Air Force wife for 23 years, I learned to cope with change and whatever difficulties came along.  I focused on what to do, and did it.  Maybe that’s how you tend to deal with challenges too.   

Well, I’ve realized that if the stress is prolonged, it can pile up……………snowball to levels hard to circumvent.  And that’s where I found myself about a week ago. 

I would like to say when I heard the doctor tell me I needed to apply some de-stressing tools and take a step back to rest, that it was the first time I had heard that.  But it’s not.

Honestly, dear friends had either said I needed to rest just as plain as that, or they had sweetly said they couldn’t imagine all I had been through so relaxing was indeed earned.  And I heard them, I really did.  But I didn’t take it to heart.  I just plugged on, resting here and there, but not really stopping the  motion and engaging in an extended rest. Well…………..I am now. 

I’ve started doing my yoga, which is amazingly helpful.  Just 24 minutes and I am seriously a different woman.  I’ve also stopped setting my alarm to get up in the morning, except for a day or two when I can’t.  I’ve intentionally spent more time praying and in my quiet time in the morning.  Days still have a list of a few things to do, but there’s no rush and I remind myself of that – – -often.  There is book reading………….I’m working on 3 books currently.  I’m going  through a Griefshare workbook with DVDs and getting a view of that program. I’ve also been better at walking & exercising which is great for lowering cortisol levels & pumping up endorphins.  Plus – and this one is so awesome –  I have been sitting on the back porch in the evening sipping an ice cold drink listening to the night things in the woods, looking at the sky……………sometimes thinking……………sometimes not.  Talk about unwinding!!  Sometimes I hate going inside to go to bed. 

This won’t be my life permanently, but my body was giving me clues that it had just about had enough.  My mind. . . my heart. . . I needed peace.  And maybe that’s where you find yourself too.  If you have been eyeball deep in grief for an extended period of time, dealing with so many decisions alone, or going through a major change like me, try to figure out a way you can at least jump off the merry-go-round for portions of time.  

I realize that not everyone can do this to the extent I’m able.  Sometimes life just has to move on and you may have family members with you that prevent you from truly coming away, but somehow you need to steal away to completely relax and replenish.  We were never meant to carry the loads given to us after our loved one’s death with no respite.  We have the heavy responsibilities once carried by two, now carried by one.  Most of the time we just roll, but don’t let yourself roll into a valley.  Leave the heavy stuff in the valley and walk up the mountain where the air is clear and you can breathe. Come up out of the fog and contaminated air where you can get the oxygen you need to think clearly. . . . where you can stop doing and just be.  We forget that who we are is  more important than what we do.  On the mountain you will remember. 

That doctor has no idea how pivotal his comments were to me.  It was the “ah-ha” moment that I needed.  He gave me permission to rest……………..he gave  me permission to be happy again – a different sort of happy than before my husband’s death, but happy.  I’ve never lost my deep down joy, but I most definitely lost my happy – and I know you have too.  

So I’m here as an outside voice, like my doctor was, telling you that I officially give you permission to rest – to really rest.  I’m not a doctor, but I have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express – – – – hahahahaha.  Anyway – as a pretend-doctor I prescribe a walk up the mountain for you.  Get the heck outta the valley and breathe some cool clean air.  Leave the to-do list behind, take a drink of your choice with you and just be………………….simply be.  Enjoy the silence, voice positive self-talk, read, nap, breathe……………..oh yes, breathe.