The last 4 1/2 weeks or so have been crushing. I didn’t fully understand the cumulative impact until this past Thursday. And – because you will at some point encounter cumulative grief, I want to share my experience of the bough breaking. If you have already experienced this, be on the lookout for it happening again in your own life, certainly, but pay attention to those around you who have not experienced it yet. If it’s possible, be there for them.
My breaking bough happened this past Wednesday night after my counseling class. But before I explain what happened, here’s the timeline leading to that.
On August 7th, I lost a dear woman that I used to sing with in choir and do bible study with in my former church in Missouri. It was really difficult and heartbreaking that I could not travel back for the funeral. The next one was particularly crushing. #1
On August 17th, I lost my best friend in the Air Force, a fellow Command Spouse, and heart of my heart in so many ways. She was 4 years younger than me. Oh – cancer, you are just so awful. This one was and is very painful. Sometimes it simply doesn’t seem real. And yet – I was there for the visitation, the funeral, and the aftermath with the widower. Heavy………..oh, so heavy. #2
Then September 6th, I lost a sweet gentleman that I used to sing with in choir and ensembles at my former church in Missouri. UGH!! Another choir member………….. My heart broke and I grieved that loss……#3
September 7th, the husband of a co-worker at Altus AFB Chapel died from Covid. He was a squadron member back when we were stationed in Altus. 53 Yeah………53. #4
4. . . .count them, 4. But that isn’t all that was happening.
Afghanistan happened. The mismanaged withdrawal happened. Leaving Americans happened. Loss of 13 servicemen happened. Memories from the past 20 years……………….knowing they all/ we all made a difference……… but I’m upset and angry over how this has been executed. It’s a different kind of grief….but grief nonetheless. And pre-grief – – for what this is setting in motion – terrorist events yet to be.
Finally, there’s my biblical counseling class on Wednesday nights. The section we have been covering is on marriage. Honestly, for the most part it has been ok. I’ve looked at it academically and keyed in on pivotal verses from scripture that not only show us how we are to live as husbands & wives, but as believers – Christ followers. This past Wednesday night was the final module in the section.
There was not specific trigger. Nothing in particular was hard to hear. But I believe the cumulative pile of grief was pushed over the edge with all the marriage do’s & don’ts talk. About 3/4 through the class I felt it coming. Eyes began to tear and the pain in my chest was becoming unbearable. The bough was about to break.
No, I told God. Not here, not now. Lord, help me hold it together till I can get out of here. And He did. God is so faithful. He continues to rescue me from tangible as well as intangible.
I made it to my car and then water started flowing out of my eyes. My heart felt physical pain. I was feeling crushed – completely crushed. I drove all the way home………crying. And it continued for awhile. The bough broke.
Sleep didn’t come easy, even though the crying had stopped. I wasn’t depressed. My heart hurt and felt heavy. Reading wasn’t easy either. And I didn’t want to watch tv. So I laid there and prayed, I poured out my heart to God and cried a bit more. I’ve learned that in the arms of Jesus is the only truly safe place I can do this. It is the only place I feel comfort. He is my strong tower and I run to Him. He would walk me through this intense grief and bring me out on the other side. I’ve walked this before with Him. I knew He was the only unchanging, faithful One who could get me through.
And He did. I finally fell asleep and woke up at my regular time without the alarm. A short night. I thought to myself, I will need to catch a power nap today. But you know what? I didn’t. My heart wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t heavy anymore. My thoughts were clearer and I was again walking in strength and confidence.
This blog isn’t Christian faith focused, but I’m making an exception in this post. My faith is the reason I have not only survived, but moved forward better than I ever thought possible. My faith is the foundation upon which I stand. And – statistics prove that a person of any kind of faith, meets life’s challenges & tragedies better than one with no faith, no hope. I have faith. I have hope – a know-so hope, not a hope-so hope.
I’m not talking religion. There are those who try to put me in a box and say I am “religious”. I’m not religious, I’m faithful. I have a relationship, not a religion. The denomination where I attend is not the denomination I have always attended. I’m a Christ-follower. I adhere, for the most part, to a schedule for worship and participating at my church, but I’m not there every time they open the door. I’m not checking off to-do boxes, I’m participating in corporate worship, private worship, and ministering to the body of Christ. It is a lifestyle of faith.
Why am I pointing this out? Because I fully believe that when the bough broke Wednesday night, it was God’s grace. He knew I needed a safety valve to open and vent off the overwhelming sadness and pain that was captured inside me. Grief is work, and this was some work I needed to do. The tears I cried are tears I won’t have to cry again. The tears of the future are different. Their healing part is yet to happen.
In addition, I want you to understand that on this side, I am thankful for the crushing break of the bough Wednesday night. I want you to see that terrible pain can lead to wonderful healing and greater insight. I believe it also gives you what you need not just for today, but for your future breaking boughs. And – – – it puts you in a position to help someone you see whose bough is breaking. You have credibility because you have been through it. God doesn’t waste anything………….the comfort you have been given is to be passed on. (2 Corinthians 1)
Take heart dear one. You are not alone in the bough breaking moment. If you have never reached out to the One who died for you, I encourage you to do it. Give Jesus a chance. In this life, He is the only One who will never, ever change and who will always & forever walk this with you.
Peace & Blessings