Category: Holidays

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Starting Another Year……….Alone

So I’m starting another year alone………………you too?   Not the greatest is it?   But here we are.  And so while I don’t have profound words of wisdom, I’ll share how I’m processing this and maybe it will help you – or it might give you an idea on how you can process your own grief journey starting another year.

New Years Eve was a little better for me, thanks to a dear widow friend who invited me to have dinner at a local restaurant with some other widow friends of mine.  I affectionately call them my widow gang.  The distraction of chatting about whatever and laughing at various things, was definitely a help. Then we went to one of their homes and watched a movie.  Of course after that, I went home – alone.  But by then I just really wanted to be by myself.  

I wasted time watching tv and then went to bed to read.  It was a new book and I confess I got so invested in it that I read till almost midnight.  Midnight – I heard the fireworks in the neighborhood and realized………..the new year had begun, no matter what.  Isn’t it interesting how part of our life stops, but the rest of the world keeps going on…….and on……..and on??

New Years Day started out pretty sad, so I enjoyed an extra cup of coffee and staying in my PJs.  But the sadness eased as I headed into the day.  I baked a new bread recipe and got my black eyed peas going in the small crockpot.  Then late afternoon, I put together a new yellow squash recipe – – – spoiler alert – it’s a keeper & can be easily doubled etc.  Yay!  

Also in retrospect, the passing of the the year and start of the next may have affected me a bit more because I was seriously tired and recovering from driving 600 miles the day before.  

But the ending & beginning bothered me more this year, I think, because I couldn’t sense a “word” or a specific focus/direction from God.  At the end of each year, I pray and look for not a resolution, but a direction – a reset – that sort of thing.  This year – I only came up with a couple things.  They may not sound profound or imaginative, but for the moment, I think it suits me. 

So for this year, 2024, I’m a student –  taking masters classes at a local seminary.   In addition – I’m praying a couple things – may God order my steps and above all – may God heal my heart.  I continue to walk through this life with a broken heart.  And before any other Christians out there try to counsel me – It really is well with my soul – – – – – it’s just not great with  my heart.  After talking this over with a very dear friend who lost her husband 3  months before me – 10 years ago – we  are experiencing the same thing.  Nothing is affecting our faith – we still have joy in the Lord – but our heart seems to be permanently shattered.  Who knows – maybe it has to do with the 10 year mark…….honestly friends………I have no idea.  I’m as clueless as the rest of you.  

Through every year, God has proved faithful.  I know He will continue to be faithful.  My faith is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.  I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.  On Christ the solid rock I stand – all other ground is sinking sand.   

I pray that God will grant each one of us comfort, peace and healing.  

 

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Holidays & Heart Aerobics & Hope

Well here we are…………….smack dab in the middle of holiday everything.  

Every year is different – don’t you think?  I mean, after losing someone loved so dearly, the first year sucks……………..it just does.  And because it is squarely your personal rodeo, I don’t feel it’s right to give advice exactly.  All I think I can do is offer what I did my first year.  Don’t misunderstand…….it still sucked, but because I did it the way I felt was good for me, it wasn’t all terrible.  

What I did was decide that for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I had to be with one or both of my kids.  My kids showered me with love those two holidays.  Thanksgiving was wonderful surrounded by all of them.  Christmas was wonderful  too, being with one of them.  Since the holidays were going to be different for me after my husband’s death, it made perfect sense to tag along and be part of whatever my kids wanted to do.  They were sensitive & kind – it was still tough on my heart, but I made it through the best I could. 

And ultimately friend, that is my heartfelt advice to you.  No matter what year this is for you, it’s your rodeo.  Take a few minutes and think about how you want to experience the holiday.  What is your comfort level?  What do you absolutely NOT want to do?  Don’t let anyone push you into doing anything that hurts too much or just plain feels wrong.  Then let your people know what will be good this year……………most especially if it’s the first.  Although, once you establish the base line, the following years will kind of roll how you want since you’ve spoken your wishes.  (good for you! )

One other suggestion. . . . I don’t know what your tradition might be, but even in your grief, try to focus on the reason for the season.  God loved us so much that He sent his very own Son to earth as a baby…………..it’s why we celebrate.  No matter what number year it is, spending some time in church singing the carols, listening to the music and words of of peace and goodwill will lift you up and relax your heart. Doing this has helped soothe my heart after days and days of heart aerobics.  It’s like I take a step off the grief merry-go-round for just a little while.  Then I feel more centered & stronger in order to step back on it.  Try it and let me know how it goes for you.  I really do pray that it helps. 

No matter when you start your holidays or how you typically roll with them, your heart will go up and down – be pulled here and there – bend and stretch – lift insurmountable burdens.  Heart aerobics.  This is tough stuff.  As you are in the midst of this right now – let me just encourage you for a minute.  

First – I’m very sorry for your loss.  Every loss is terrible, but during the holidays it simply is worse……….on all levels.  Second – know that you have a friend here who while I don’t understand your specific journey, knows the crush, and I’m here walking this too.   Third – really do give the church service a try.  If you simply can not set foot in church this year, grab a Bible and turn to Luke 2 starting in verse 1, reading to verse 21.  A Baby story……………..”For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” Baby stories are the best – and this one came to give us an important thing – Hope. 

This season. . . . .this moment that you are reading this – – – know that I’m praying whoever reads this post will know they are not alone.  Know that in the midst of our sorrow, we can also experience joy in the birth of our Savior.  

So even though there are heart aerobics………………………..there is hope.  

Peace & Blessings my dear grief travelers

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Whatever Works!!!! – A Holiday Chat

We made it through Thanksgiving……………and now, here comes Christmas.  

The holidays are tough when you’ve lost someone special.  There’s lots written about it, but most of it is the same stuff printed over and over.  I don’t know that I have anything profound for you either. This is my 5th Thanksgiving & Christmas since my husband died.  And this holiday season has been almost as bad as the first time around, but there have been and continue to be a few things that make me smile.  So hang in there with me and I’ll just chat with you about my current holiday groove – what works & what doesn’t. 

There are parts of this holiday season that are supposed to be good, but in truth they simply make things feel worse.  People try to infuse big holiday happiness into situations.  Bigger smiles, happier faces, overly kind, even singing Christmas songs all over the place.  And if life for us was like it used to be when our spouse was with us, we would be all in with them.  But all that wonderfulness just rings hollow.   At the same time, I totally get it.  They are immersed in the season, life for them is good, happy and wonderful.  I don’t begrudge them their seasonal good tidings.  I’m simply stating that for those of us who have some grief attached to our life, it makes us want to go home, cover up in a blanket in front of the fire and watch TV or read a book.  

To complicate this blog post further, I have to say that being out and about during all the season craziness can actually be a good thing, a helpful thing.  Let me explain.

While the constant merriment is often too much to take, being out at the mall, walking around gardens decorated with lights etc. can really lift the spirits – though not as high as the “ho, ho, ho” people in our lives.  I actually like walking around the mall, getting some steps in, looking at stuff without feeling the need to buy.  And where I live, there’s a botanical garden that dresses up in the most magnificent light displays every year.  Yes – I ache for someone special to walk through it with me, but I enjoy the creative scenery, nonetheless.  I guess it would be safe to say that those of us who have lost a spouse feel rather split as far as decorations & goodwill.  It’s alright in small doses, but then it’s time to retreat……..there’s only so much we can take. 

I told you this year is not great.  Let me share a couple things that have brought me joy even though sad moments abound.  I think they are God’s way of getting me through the holiday landmines. 

Every year I sing in a Living Tree production at my church.  Honestly, there is only one other Christmas performance that outshines this one and it’s not a fair comparison.  While we were stationed at the Pentagon, I had the opportunity to sing with the Christian Performing Artists Fellowship in Constitution Hall singing the Messiah.  Yeah – that was amazing.  But this Living Tree production is top notch, so much fun and people pack out the church for it every year.  Anyway – focusing on the memorization of 14 or 15 songs as well as all the extra rehearsals gives me something joyful to fill my heart & mind.  Singing about the reason for Christmas is deeper than “ho, ho, ho” stuff.  And it works for me.  

Another thing that has worked for me this year – actually it’s a double edged sword, to be honest…………….is my family tree in the great room/kitchen area.  It’s particularly pretty this year.  I did the lights differently and find it makes the whole thing glow.  When I come home, I turn on the tree lights and stand there for a few minutes looking at the beautiful ornaments, thinking of the memories and it makes me smile.  Now I said it was a double edged sword…………..that’s because when I look at it at night before going to bed & turning off the lights, it sometimes makes me cry.  I said it before and I’ll say it again………this blog post is complicated……….it just is.  And truly that  matches my emotions during the holidays.  It’s complicated. 

I don’t know how your holiday is going, but my heart goes out to you.  We muddle through the holidays the best way we can.  There are ups & downs.  We don’t do it perfectly, but we get through it in our own way.  Each one of us has other things in our lives that tug at our hearts in addition to dealing with our grief and that complicates the holiday too. So muddling through isn’t a depressing thought for me, it’s survival.  You and I will get through this holiday.  We will survive and I believe as time goes on, it will get better…………somehow it will get better.  

Till then, I hope each one of us can find one or two things to bring a smile this holiday season.  You might just find yourself delighting in the Christmas wonder of a child or finding joy in some carol you hear at church or some concert you might attend.  And if you go to a Christmas party, go ahead and get way too much joy out of watching someone be an idiot.  Hahaha – yeah, I really did post that.  I figure if people are going to bring entertainment, we should use that as an excuse to enjoy laughter.  So go for it – and think about it later too.  Residual laughter……………yep, could just make your holiday a bit merrier.  Whatever works!!!