Category: death

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Starting Another Year……….Alone

So I’m starting another year alone………………you too?   Not the greatest is it?   But here we are.  And so while I don’t have profound words of wisdom, I’ll share how I’m processing this and maybe it will help you – or it might give you an idea on how you can process your own grief journey starting another year.

New Years Eve was a little better for me, thanks to a dear widow friend who invited me to have dinner at a local restaurant with some other widow friends of mine.  I affectionately call them my widow gang.  The distraction of chatting about whatever and laughing at various things, was definitely a help. Then we went to one of their homes and watched a movie.  Of course after that, I went home – alone.  But by then I just really wanted to be by myself.  

I wasted time watching tv and then went to bed to read.  It was a new book and I confess I got so invested in it that I read till almost midnight.  Midnight – I heard the fireworks in the neighborhood and realized………..the new year had begun, no matter what.  Isn’t it interesting how part of our life stops, but the rest of the world keeps going on…….and on……..and on??

New Years Day started out pretty sad, so I enjoyed an extra cup of coffee and staying in my PJs.  But the sadness eased as I headed into the day.  I baked a new bread recipe and got my black eyed peas going in the small crockpot.  Then late afternoon, I put together a new yellow squash recipe – – – spoiler alert – it’s a keeper & can be easily doubled etc.  Yay!  

Also in retrospect, the passing of the the year and start of the next may have affected me a bit more because I was seriously tired and recovering from driving 600 miles the day before.  

But the ending & beginning bothered me more this year, I think, because I couldn’t sense a “word” or a specific focus/direction from God.  At the end of each year, I pray and look for not a resolution, but a direction – a reset – that sort of thing.  This year – I only came up with a couple things.  They may not sound profound or imaginative, but for the moment, I think it suits me. 

So for this year, 2024, I’m a student –  taking masters classes at a local seminary.   In addition – I’m praying a couple things – may God order my steps and above all – may God heal my heart.  I continue to walk through this life with a broken heart.  And before any other Christians out there try to counsel me – It really is well with my soul – – – – – it’s just not great with  my heart.  After talking this over with a very dear friend who lost her husband 3  months before me – 10 years ago – we  are experiencing the same thing.  Nothing is affecting our faith – we still have joy in the Lord – but our heart seems to be permanently shattered.  Who knows – maybe it has to do with the 10 year mark…….honestly friends………I have no idea.  I’m as clueless as the rest of you.  

Through every year, God has proved faithful.  I know He will continue to be faithful.  My faith is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.  I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.  On Christ the solid rock I stand – all other ground is sinking sand.   

I pray that God will grant each one of us comfort, peace and healing.  

 

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When The Bough Really Does Break

The last 4 1/2 weeks or so have been crushing.  I didn’t fully understand the cumulative impact until this past Thursday.  And – because you will at some point encounter cumulative grief, I want to share my experience of the bough breaking.  If you have already experienced this, be on the lookout for it happening again in your own life, certainly, but pay attention to those around you who have not experienced it yet.  If it’s possible, be there for them. 

My breaking bough happened this past Wednesday night after my counseling class.  But before I explain what happened, here’s the timeline leading to that. 

On August 7th, I lost a dear woman that I used to sing with in choir and do bible study with in my former church in Missouri.  It was really difficult and heartbreaking that I could not travel back for the funeral.  The next one was particularly crushing. #1

On August 17th, I lost my best friend in the Air Force, a fellow Command Spouse, and heart of my heart in so many ways.  She was 4 years younger than me.  Oh – cancer, you are just so awful.  This one was and is very painful.  Sometimes it simply doesn’t seem real.  And yet – I was there for the visitation, the funeral, and the aftermath with the widower.  Heavy………..oh, so heavy. #2

Then September 6th, I lost a sweet gentleman that I used to sing with in choir and ensembles at my former church in Missouri.  UGH!!  Another choir member…………..  My heart broke and I grieved that loss……#3

September 7th, the husband of a co-worker at Altus AFB Chapel died from Covid.  He was a squadron member back when we were stationed in Altus.  53  Yeah………53.   #4

4. . . .count them, 4.  But that isn’t all that was happening.  

Afghanistan happened.  The mismanaged withdrawal happened.  Leaving Americans happened.  Loss of 13 servicemen happened.  Memories from the past 20 years……………….knowing they all/ we all made a difference……… but I’m upset and angry over how this has been executed.  It’s a different kind of grief….but grief nonetheless. And pre-grief – – for what this is setting in motion – terrorist events yet to be. 

Finally, there’s my biblical counseling class on Wednesday nights.  The section we have been covering is on marriage.  Honestly, for the most part it has been ok.  I’ve looked at it academically and keyed in on pivotal verses from scripture that not only show us how we are to live as husbands & wives, but as believers – Christ followers.  This past Wednesday night was the final module in the section.  

There was not specific trigger.  Nothing in particular was hard to hear.  But I believe the cumulative pile of grief was pushed over the edge with all the marriage do’s & don’ts talk.  About 3/4 through the class I felt it coming.  Eyes began to tear and the pain in my chest was becoming unbearable.  The bough was about to break. 

No, I told God.  Not here, not now.  Lord, help me hold it together till I can get out of here.  And He did.  God is so faithful.  He continues to rescue me from tangible as well as intangible.  

I made it to my car and then water started flowing out of my eyes.  My heart felt physical pain.  I was feeling crushed – completely crushed.  I drove all the way home………crying.  And it continued for awhile.  The bough broke.

Sleep didn’t come easy, even though the crying had stopped.  I wasn’t depressed.  My heart hurt and felt heavy.  Reading wasn’t easy either.  And I didn’t want to watch tv.  So I laid there and prayed, I poured out my heart to God and cried a bit more.  I’ve learned that in the arms of Jesus is the only truly safe place I can do this.  It is the only place I feel comfort.  He is my strong tower and I run to Him.  He would walk me through this intense grief and bring me out on the other side.  I’ve walked this before with Him.  I knew He was the only unchanging, faithful One who could get me through.  

And He did.  I finally fell asleep and woke up at my regular time without the alarm.  A short night.  I thought to myself, I will need to catch a power nap today.  But you know what?  I didn’t.  My heart wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t heavy anymore.  My thoughts were clearer and I was again walking in strength and confidence.  

This blog isn’t Christian faith focused, but I’m making an exception in this post.  My faith is the reason I have not only survived, but moved forward better than I ever thought possible.  My faith is the foundation upon which I stand.  And – statistics prove that a person of any kind of faith, meets life’s challenges & tragedies better than one with no faith, no hope.  I have faith.  I have hope – a know-so hope, not a hope-so hope. 

I’m not talking religion.  There are those who try to put me in a box and say I am “religious”.  I’m not religious, I’m faithful.  I have a relationship, not a religion.  The denomination where I attend is not the denomination I have always attended.  I’m a Christ-follower.  I adhere, for the most part, to a schedule for worship and participating at my church, but I’m not there every time they open the door.  I’m not checking off to-do boxes, I’m participating in corporate worship, private worship, and ministering to the body of Christ.  It is a lifestyle of faith. 

Why am I pointing this out?  Because I fully believe that when the bough broke Wednesday night, it was God’s grace.  He knew I needed a safety valve to open and vent off the overwhelming sadness and pain that was captured inside me.  Grief is work, and this was some work I needed to do.  The tears I cried are tears I won’t have to cry again.  The tears of the future are different. Their healing part is yet to happen. 

In addition, I want you to understand that on this side, I am thankful for the crushing break of the bough Wednesday night.  I want you to see that terrible pain can lead to wonderful healing and greater insight.  I believe it also gives you what you need not just for today, but for your future breaking boughs.  And – – – it puts you in a position to help someone you see whose bough is breaking.  You have credibility because you have been through it.  God doesn’t waste anything………….the comfort you have been given is to be passed on.  (2 Corinthians 1)

Take heart dear one.   You are not alone in the bough breaking moment.  If you have never reached out to the One who died for you, I encourage you to do it.  Give Jesus a chance.  In this life, He is the only One who will never, ever change and who will always & forever walk this with you.   

Peace & Blessings

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The Sting of Death. . . .

I Corinthians 15:55    O death, where is your victory?  O death, where is your sting? 

I Thessalonians 4:13  But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.

 

Lately, I have been thinking about the phrase – the sting of death.  

Every one of us who has experienced loss knows the pain and sorrow that death brings.  It hurts – well, to be honest………..it more than hurts…….it’s a pain so deep & awful that it defies words.  

But I keep coming back to the phrase – the sting of death.  It’s sticking with me.  It’s important and I need to know why the sting is gone. 

It comes from the scripture noted above.  It is part of chapter 15 which outlines and explains that Christ died for our sins, and by dying once for all, abolished death.   Verse 54 says – death is swallowed up in victory.  Death is crushed. 

Christ conquered sin & death on the cross.  So for Christians, death isn’t final or ultimate.  Yes – they are gone. . .my husband is gone. . . from this physical world.  But our parting is temporary.  I will see him again.  He is still very much alive – – just not here.  

And so even though death is still a part of us living here on planet earth, the sting is gone for us who are believers.  

Please understand – – we are definitely hurting!  The sting is gone, but death hurts! 

However – – – – – I do not grieve as one who does not have hope.  

Hope  – oh yes – Hope.

Hope in Jesus.  Hope in the Lord, my rock (Psalm 18:2).  Hope because we will all be reunited (I Thessalonians 4:13-18).

This is why I’m writing this for you.  Hope.  The sting is gone.  

We still sorrow…………we still cry………..we still mourn………but we know it’s not the end.  It’s temporary for those of us who have accepted Christ as Savior. 

I can hear some of you question – you’re not sure your loved ones accepted Christ before death.  But we don’t know for certain that they didn’t.  Only God knows the hearts of men/women.  “for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (I Samuel 16:7)

The sting……………gone.  We grieve…………….with hope.

My heart is heavy but I sing hallelujah.  God gets the final word – not death. 

I hope this encourages you as you walk your grief journey.  You are not alone.  God walks it with you.   I’m walking it too. 

Peace & Blessings. . . . .

 

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The Deathiversary

Deathiversary

Believe it or not, that is truly a word.  I promise – not a joke.  It’s in the Urban Dictionary online.  Yeah…………..I did go looking for it.  Actually, I was just looking for a word besides anniversary – or death day.  Not sure I’ll stick with this one, but it struck me as a good one to use for this post.  So humor me – ok?

Yesterday.  4/1/2021   My husband Tracy’s deathiversary.  7 years.  Wow…….I can’t believe it’s been 7 years.  In my heart and head I do feel like it’s more than a year – but 7 years?  Seriously?  (SMH)

Every year is different.  Some have been worse than others.  Some have been full and easier to take than others.  Last year, 2020, well – you can imagine how awful that was.  Not the whole day, mind you, but a significant part for sure.  Everything was shut down so I couldn’t really go much of anywhere, and somehow going to the grocery store wasn’t at the top of my fun list.  

Yesterday was quite good till I went to bed.  And then the weight of the day crashed in.  I’m pretty sure many of you have had this happen.  While I do understand the reason behind last night’s sob fest, what I don’t understand is  when the wave crashes unexpectedly with no trigger.  But that’s probably a subject for another post.  For now – I will focus on the deathiversary smash. 

I had spent a little time reading, turned out the light and began my prayer like always.  The thing is, I got a bit stuck thanking God for the day.  I was truly thankful for the day, but somehow the day itself was connected with a day of pain beyond explanation 7 years ago.  The only way I could get through it to the other side was to talk it through with God.  There was heartbroken honesty and some questions asked.  How thankful I am that God listens and understands.  In scripture He is called the God of all comfort.  It’s true.  Do my questions get answered ?  No, and probably not this side of heaven.  Does it really solve anything?  No – but something does happen.  I think it’s that I feel validated, listened-to, understood.  And that does make a difference.  In the end, I believe it’s simply needful to talk it out.  Holding it in makes the torture go on and on.  But speaking it out loud, or at a sobbing whisper, means something.  It’s not dangling out there in the air, it has made it non-stop to the throne of grace.  And through the unbroken connection between the throne & me, love pours through.  The listening part is what helps the most I think.  I’m sure God is thinking,  ‘here she’s comes again with the grief wave’.  But He listens anyway.  

And don’t we do that with our children?  We want them to come to us a gazillion times with their heartaches.  We listen.  We understand that what they are going through is hard and sometimes not fair.  We hold them, we hug them, we comfort them.  Well – that’s what God does.  He listens.  He holds me.  He hugs me.  He comforts me.  And finally at long last, I sleep.  

Truth be told, my face feels swollen in the morning & I’m running low on my sleep meter.  But I feel like some of the toxic grief has left me and I can begin a new day.  Technically the first day of the 8th year.   Yikes………….ok I need to land this plane or I’m going to feel discouraged again.

So how do you handle your deathiversary?  Have you had ups and downs?  Have you experienced God’s amazing grace, listening and comfort?  Tell me about it.  It doesn’t matter how long for you – the deathiversary comes every year.  1, 4, 7, 15 +.  Talk to me.  How did you deal with the last one?  How are you going to deal with the one coming up?  

No matter your loss – No matter how fresh or how long, my heart is with you.  I’m listening, giving a virtual hug and sharing a word of encouragement.  Here’s something that resonates with me. . . . . . 

Psalm 34:18  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.     

Psalm 56:8   You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book. 

That’s the God who listens and esteems our tears greatly.  I pray it blesses you to  know that.  

Peace & Blessings

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The Why Questions

Have you ever looked into the night sky and asked questions?  Better yet – did you get any answers?

I bet not.

Many times I’ve looked at the stars and wondered many things.  I have wished my husband could just send a message.  I’ve wished God could give me some sort of explanation. 

But there was nothing but silence.

It seems to be a common theme with those who have experienced loss.  We all have questions.  And it doesn’t matter if our loss was sudden or dragged out with some awful thing like cancer. 

The number one question is usually – – – – WHY…………

Why did they have to die? Why did they die so young? Why couldn’t the doctors find the tumors earlier? Why wasn’t there time to say good bye? Why was there such pain and suffering? Why am I left alone?

So many whys………………

When I first asked my Whys, I would eventually get so exhausted that I gave up. As time went on and I gained strength, the Whys continued, but the direction changed. I went to the Source – the only place I felt I could find an answer.  I went to God and His word.

There is a lot of suffering in the bible.  Men and women lost people they loved to illness, war and suicide.  I’m sure they asked Why too. 

One man is recorded in scripture asking Why and with good reason.  His name is Job.  Most people have heard of him and his troubles.

His losses just would. not. stop.

He lost all his oxen and servants while they were in the field. Then fire fell from heaven killing all his sheep and the servants tending them. At the same time, enemies of Job came and stole his camels and killed those servants.  He lost all his sons and daughters because a mighty wind struck the house where they were gathered and it collapsed. 

But it didn’t end there. 

He had lost possessions and his whole family except his wife.  But there was more to lose.  He lost his health.  All of a sudden terrible boils appeared all over his body.  They were everywhere from the top of his head to the bottoms of his feet.  They were terribly painful.  He tried to relieve the suffering by scraping himself with a piece of pottery while sitting among the ashes.  I can’t imagine how awful that was!  Job knew sadness upon sadness as well as physical pain.  He was suffering and I’m sure asking Why.

To make matters worse, his wife turned her back on God and gave Job some terrible advice.  She said, “Do you still hold fast to your integrity?  Curse God and die!”

Thankfully Job did not go along with her suggestion.  He knew she was being foolish. 

Still, Job was stuck in this situation for a long time.  He had some friends who tried to figure out the cause of Job’s hurting, but they were no help.  

Job asks Why.  He cries out to God.  He feels forgotten. 

In our deep grief. . . .in our loss that has devastated our world, we can feel forgotten too.  It’s a natural way to feel.  The good news is, God is big enough to handle our deep emotions and our begging question – Why?

I like this story of Job because though it’s a heart wrenching story, it has a fantastic ending. By the way – go read the great ending – it’s Job 42: 10-17.  The last chapters of Job show us something about wanting answers to unanswerable questions.

God does answer Job after he has poured his heart out completely.  It is in God’s answer and Job’s response that I find help for my Whys. 

God clearly shows who He is and His authority.  Job gets it.  He realizes that he was asking for answers he could never understand.  He saw that God in His sovereignty, His ultimate power and majesty, was too wonderful and amazing for a mere human to comprehend. 

I wish I was the one who had come up with this, but it’s actually a statement I heard from the popular Christian singer, Danny Gokey.  He said, “God doesn’t answer Job’s questions, He gives him perspective.”

That’s so rich.  And it resonates with me. 

Do I still ask Why? Yes !  It’s ok to ask our Whys. God is there to listen and comfort.  He knows we see this in an earthly and personal way.  But now I can open my hand and let my tears flow. God has a totally different perspective.  All I see is right here.  God sees everything – past, present and future.  So I trust Him. 

Friend, I know it’s not easy to do.  You won’t suddenly be ok with your Whys.  You will continue to have questions.  But over time, perhaps knowing God has the only perfect perspective, you can open your hand as you cry saying, “OK God, I don’t like it and I don’t understand, but I trust You.”

May we all find peace as we bring God our Whys, then move forward with trust.  

Peace & Blessings to us all…………………………………….

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Do The Next Right Thing

Currently I’m attending a local Griefshare group at my church.  It’s a wonderful small group that is a safe place.  How important it is to have a safe place to question, vent, share, and listen.  

The Griefshare ministry is video driven with a workbook that is done during the week.  It is thoughtfully laid out and even has scripture written out right there on the page, which helps so much.  Another thing I appreciate is the larger font they have used.  It’s not so much an age thing as it is a bereavement thing.  I don’t know about you, but I like a little larger font when I’m a bit bleary eyed.

In a recent video, one of the folks sharing about their grief journey spoke about how when we are overwhelmed with all that needs to be done, that it’s helpful to just do the next right thing.  I love that!!  And this is why I’m writing today’s post.  I want to share that great thought with you.  

Coincidentally, there is a podcast I listen to called, The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman. I mention that in case you may have heard of it.  Great podcast, by the way, and I’ve found it helpful on my grief journey.  Just know that it’s for everyone and not focused on bereavement.  Emily is so good at helping us simplify our every day, our thoughts etc.  And as you have probably realized, that helps when grieving.  

But on to the reason for this post. 

When grieving, we get overwhelmed, upset, stuck, and so many other things.  It is this particular subject that the Griefshare video was addressing.  Sometimes we come to a place where we don’t know what to do, what step to take.  That’s when I think it’s important to do the thing right in front of you – do the next right thing. When we do just that one thing, it can help us feel ready to do the next thing, and the next, and the next. 

Sounds so simple, but as you know, when we are grieving – it’s NOT!  Taking that next step requires an act of the will.  You won’t want to do it, but once you take that one step forward, you will see significant benefits – sometimes right away, and sometimes once you have completed that next thing.   

It’s a feeling of accomplishment.  It’s one less thing on the long list of things to do.  And once it’s done, go ahead and take pride in it.  If you are a list maker like me, getting that one thing done will help you feel just a bit better.  Note – I’m sorry for using the word better, but it’s the word in the English language that describes it best.  We both know that better takes awhile, so please understand that I’m not rushing you.  

So dear friend on this grief journey with me – take heart, take a deep breath – and do the next right thing.

I know I’m stepping out on a limb here, but I sincerely believe you will be glad you did.

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Don’t Go Too Fast

This is written purely from my own experience, so don’t think you need to do anything I have done, nor should you feel like you are doing something wrong – you’re not.  

What I want to share today is how sometimes as we work hard to move forward, be brave & courageous, we get overwhelmed & crash because we are trying to go too fast. 

I am preparing to move in a few months.  Going through 40 years of stuff is daunting, to say the least.  It’s such a tough process selling things and carting car load after car load to Goodwill.  Truthfully, there’s been lots I’ve pitched as well.  And while getting rid of so much has actually felt good, the enormity of what I’m doing got to me the other day. 

In addition to what I’ve already mentioned, there’s juggling so many details buying and selling.  Gosh I miss my husband for all that.  My brain just gets overloaded – totally maxed out.  Especially when thinking too far ahead.  Gets me in trouble – every. single. time.

A couple days ago, I got up as usual and started to get rolling, sitting in my Canadian rocker & sipping my coffee.  It’s a good way to greet the morning and get a little caffeine charge.  

At first I didn’t know why I was feeling so sluggish.  Even the coffee wasn’t helping.  Then the tears started.  It was definitely wrapped up in grief, but it went deeper.  

I was crashing from so many things happening in October.  3 contractors doing minor repairs on the house, selling, donating, planning, plus keeping up with all the commitments I already had on my plate.  My head & heart simply needed stop…………….work through emotions, prayers of thanks, prayers for continued help, and breathing………..I needed to just breathe. 

That whole day, while I did actually accomplish a very short list of things, I fought to give myself some slack.  I needed to constantly remind myself of ALL that had been accomplished that month.  I even allowed myself some closed eye time in my favorite chair in the afternoon…………..because tears and a banged up heart are exhausting. 

So cut yourself some slack too.  You have my permission!!  And I know – – it’s so darn hard to rest, to feel like you have to keep going………….but that’s a lie from our culture that says you are valued for what you do.  

My motto is:  Who I am is more important than what I do. . 

Not original with me…………..but I honestly don’t remember where I heard it first.  Perhaps it’s that wonderful person, Anonymous.  

So dear person reading this who needs to stop for a bit & breathe – to allow for tears from grief and being overwhelmed – to just plain rest…………………………….go ahead.  It is hard to take the time, but the time is SO worth it.  

And moving forward…………………….remember……………don’t go too fast.

Peace……………………….

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Big Decisions

It’s been far too long since I wrote about my grief journey in this blog.  And for that, I truly apologize.  

Life has been crazy busy and BIG life decisions have consumed my days, my thoughts,  my moments…………….every waking moment as well as some when I’m not so awake.

I’ve written about life decisions before and changes as far as moving.  Well. . . I’m moving.  So much has happened in the past 10 months.  No need to give every detail, but here’s a quick synopsis.

In November 2018, my dear grown children & their wonderful spouses told me they would like me to live near one of their families.  They said, we love you Mom and want to take care of you.  How sweet & endearing is that?  It was also a shock.  I had not actually considered that before.  

I let it ride for a couple months and prayed about it.  If I was going to go through this huge undertaking – downsizing after 40 – my heart needed to be on board.  Finally by March 2019, my heart had changed & I was ready to get rid of stuff and start looking for a home. 

From April to June I looked at existing homes and vetted 3 builders.  Nothing seemed to work except one model at a builder.   I still needed to know this was it.  At one point I realized that this one floor plan and neighborhood felt like home and was the right one.

So I’m in the midst of meeting with the builder, making choices etc.   They will break ground next month, October, and be done late February.  

Much has been sold or gotten rid of so far, but there is much to either sell or get rid of…………still.  40 years is quite a span to accumulate.  But even in this, my heart is ready to downsize.  

And grief wise????  I’ve only had a couple things that have tugged at my heart.  There is something about the timing of this………………….the change of my heart…………….and how things are falling together.   Somehow it’s just right. 

Lest you think I’m stoic and unfeeling, I assure you I’m crying through the whole deal.  It’s impossible to adequately describe, but joy and sorrow can co-exist.   It just does.  

From my widow’s perspective………………..I see this as God closing the door on my first life and giving me a fresh start.  I don’t know what the next season of my life will look like, but I’m ready to find out.  

There are those reading this who can’t imagine what I’m doing – and that’s perfectly fine.  It’s not your time, and it may never be your time.  That’s the thing about each one of us…………..we are completely unique like snowflakes.  Our grief journeys are totally unique.  And yet in our singular experiences, we bond because of extraordinary loss.  

So as I raise my glass in honor of your journey, please raise your glass in honor of mine……………….and please pray I will have the wisdom and strength to handle everything, make all the decisions, and physically get through this tough life change.  I had a sweet woman who is just a bit on the other side of doing this exact thing after 40 years of marriage tell me – once you get on the other side, you will be SO glad you did.  Ah………………….a cheerleader – just what I needed.  

May God send you a cheerleader or two as you make big decisions on your grief journey.  I sincerely hope you have a church family and friends to surround you with love and encouragement. 

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Whatever Works!!!! – A Holiday Chat

We made it through Thanksgiving……………and now, here comes Christmas.  

The holidays are tough when you’ve lost someone special.  There’s lots written about it, but most of it is the same stuff printed over and over.  I don’t know that I have anything profound for you either. This is my 5th Thanksgiving & Christmas since my husband died.  And this holiday season has been almost as bad as the first time around, but there have been and continue to be a few things that make me smile.  So hang in there with me and I’ll just chat with you about my current holiday groove – what works & what doesn’t. 

There are parts of this holiday season that are supposed to be good, but in truth they simply make things feel worse.  People try to infuse big holiday happiness into situations.  Bigger smiles, happier faces, overly kind, even singing Christmas songs all over the place.  And if life for us was like it used to be when our spouse was with us, we would be all in with them.  But all that wonderfulness just rings hollow.   At the same time, I totally get it.  They are immersed in the season, life for them is good, happy and wonderful.  I don’t begrudge them their seasonal good tidings.  I’m simply stating that for those of us who have some grief attached to our life, it makes us want to go home, cover up in a blanket in front of the fire and watch TV or read a book.  

To complicate this blog post further, I have to say that being out and about during all the season craziness can actually be a good thing, a helpful thing.  Let me explain.

While the constant merriment is often too much to take, being out at the mall, walking around gardens decorated with lights etc. can really lift the spirits – though not as high as the “ho, ho, ho” people in our lives.  I actually like walking around the mall, getting some steps in, looking at stuff without feeling the need to buy.  And where I live, there’s a botanical garden that dresses up in the most magnificent light displays every year.  Yes – I ache for someone special to walk through it with me, but I enjoy the creative scenery, nonetheless.  I guess it would be safe to say that those of us who have lost a spouse feel rather split as far as decorations & goodwill.  It’s alright in small doses, but then it’s time to retreat……..there’s only so much we can take. 

I told you this year is not great.  Let me share a couple things that have brought me joy even though sad moments abound.  I think they are God’s way of getting me through the holiday landmines. 

Every year I sing in a Living Tree production at my church.  Honestly, there is only one other Christmas performance that outshines this one and it’s not a fair comparison.  While we were stationed at the Pentagon, I had the opportunity to sing with the Christian Performing Artists Fellowship in Constitution Hall singing the Messiah.  Yeah – that was amazing.  But this Living Tree production is top notch, so much fun and people pack out the church for it every year.  Anyway – focusing on the memorization of 14 or 15 songs as well as all the extra rehearsals gives me something joyful to fill my heart & mind.  Singing about the reason for Christmas is deeper than “ho, ho, ho” stuff.  And it works for me.  

Another thing that has worked for me this year – actually it’s a double edged sword, to be honest…………….is my family tree in the great room/kitchen area.  It’s particularly pretty this year.  I did the lights differently and find it makes the whole thing glow.  When I come home, I turn on the tree lights and stand there for a few minutes looking at the beautiful ornaments, thinking of the memories and it makes me smile.  Now I said it was a double edged sword…………..that’s because when I look at it at night before going to bed & turning off the lights, it sometimes makes me cry.  I said it before and I’ll say it again………this blog post is complicated……….it just is.  And truly that  matches my emotions during the holidays.  It’s complicated. 

I don’t know how your holiday is going, but my heart goes out to you.  We muddle through the holidays the best way we can.  There are ups & downs.  We don’t do it perfectly, but we get through it in our own way.  Each one of us has other things in our lives that tug at our hearts in addition to dealing with our grief and that complicates the holiday too. So muddling through isn’t a depressing thought for me, it’s survival.  You and I will get through this holiday.  We will survive and I believe as time goes on, it will get better…………somehow it will get better.  

Till then, I hope each one of us can find one or two things to bring a smile this holiday season.  You might just find yourself delighting in the Christmas wonder of a child or finding joy in some carol you hear at church or some concert you might attend.  And if you go to a Christmas party, go ahead and get way too much joy out of watching someone be an idiot.  Hahaha – yeah, I really did post that.  I figure if people are going to bring entertainment, we should use that as an excuse to enjoy laughter.  So go for it – and think about it later too.  Residual laughter……………yep, could just make your holiday a bit merrier.  Whatever works!!!

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Overwhelmed

As I look around the house, in some places I see that time has passed.  In other places it’s as though time is standing still.

For a long while, I kept everything the same.  After my husband, Tracy, died 4 1/2 years ago, leaving it all as it was, was comforting.  So much had changed because of his death.  So much.  I couldn’t face any more.

Time is a funny thing.  In some ways it helps me move forward.  In other ways I wish I could go backward in time. 

I’ve learned so much through Tracy’s death and trying to keep living.  Many times it feels like I take 2 steps forward and one back.  I know I’m making progress, but sometimes it just seems so tough.

Each night when I go to bed, I wonder if I should set my alarm or not.  Sometimes I need to because of an appointment, but other times I could wake up whenever.

Recently though, I made the decision to schedule important items first thing in the morning.  I really do have much to accomplish each day.  So I decided to apply some structure to my life.  It’s the way I’m continuing to live.  No matter what, life does go on.  By structuring part of my day, it helps me take those steps forward. 

Often it feels like I’m in never-never land.  It’s such a strange journey.  There’s much out of my control.  There are lots of days when I feel like the world is still moving, events still happening, and I’m standing still.

Maybe the worst part is all the decisions.  Decisions about property, house and worst of all – paperwork.  At one time there were several piles of paperwork.  I filled out forms, attached death certificates and went to either the post office to send the documents, or to the UPS store to fax.

In the beginning, it was simple stuff like what to eat.  What church service do I want to go to?  And then it moved on to – what am I going to do about Thanksgiving? Christmas?  Oh dear God, I don’t want to be alone. 

Now, being this far out, it’s more the decisions about house and property.  Mowing, staining the deck, roof leak, car issues, fixing toilets, window replacements, AC issues, shoveling snow, spot seeding the lawn etc. etc.  You get the idea.

When does this all get better?  I sure wish I had an answer.  But for now, it’s a matter of dealing with things one step at a time.  God is walking with me and that helps so much.  Things seem bleak and uncertain, but I know God has a plan – and His Word says it’s good.  No matter what I face or how I feel, I choose to trust Him.  God is greatest & He knows best. 

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The Cage

Sometimes I almost feel caged or perhaps a better word would be – captive. 

This grief walk changes all the time.  Initially it’s dark, foggy and feels so impossible.  As time progresses, it feels more like a black curtain that we walk through or carry with us.  The curtain will sometimes fold in around us for awhile and we remain there till it unfolds and lets us move on. 

But recently I’m experiencing the grief differently.  It’s as though all along I have been moving forward.  And in doing so I feel a great sense of accomplishment, even peace.  But, when I least expect it – boom !  A grief ambush !  And it feels like a cage has been dropped around me.  I’m stuck !  There’s more to deal with. . . .more emotion, more thinking, more aching.  

Sometimes the cage can even feel a bit like a cocoon.  It’s not comforting, mind you, but it’s familiar.  And let’s face it.  Sometimes the grief is deep and awful.  Sometimes it tugs quite hard on the heart but we don’t crash.  There are so many facets of grief.  I laugh when I read books on grief that explain everything so definitively.  Seriously – no.  It’s not like that at all. 

It feels like a cage now to me.  I really do struggle with the captivity and feeling stuck.  I’m betting some of you who read this feel that way too. 

Oh how I wish I had a helpful solution to offer or even something I have found that helps.   But the truth seems to be that we simply wait it out.  Though we physically walk around, keep appointments and carry on normal conversation, we remain in the cage.  Perhaps we have mastered the normalcy of life while sitting in the cage. 

At this writing, I am 4 years and almost 5 months into my grief journey.  And what I can say at this point is this.  Though the sharp ambushes occur less, they are still profound.  And after talking/texting/messaging with others further down this path, I can predict that we will always deal with grief to some degree.  The black curtain is always there lurking somewhere, though less visible.  And the ambush is sure to happen. . . . . . . sometime.  When it does, the cage appears.

But I believe we get better and better – stronger and stronger.  We learn to deal with the grief, yes; but I believe God’s grace holds our hearts together and gently pushes us forward to embrace the life ahead.  

Oh how I want to have a good future !  I know you do too. 

Let’s make a vow to be brave together.  Let’s not rush through this.  Let’s vow to be stronger as well as better.  Darn it !  Grief won’t win.  We may have to allow it from time to time, but it won’t win.  Let’s not hide our scars.  They don’t define us.  They are badges of honor.  We will survive. 

                                Bravo & Cheers to each one of us……………………..

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The Fears We Face

When we lose the other half of ourselves and absolutely nothing is the same, there’s fear.  Sometimes it truly is “scaring the crap out of us” fear.  And sometimes (more often than not for me) it’s “fear of the unknown – not knowing what to do next – fear of making a poor decision alone” type of fear.

During the first year after my husband died, I did everything I could to hold onto anything I could keep the same.  Not only is that a healthy thing to do, it’s the logical thing in light of such great loss.

But as each year rolls by, there are moments, sometimes pockets or seasons of time, that cause me to retreat to my favorite chair and crumble.  I have to let it all out and pray it through.  Most of the time I get up out of the chair and feel better by some measure.  Other times I my feel less burdened, but as I rise out of my chair, I simply take one step at a time and do so fearful and overwhelmed.  Somewhere along the way, the fear eases and things level out again. 

This blog entry isn’t designed to make you feel better or provide some magical solution.  What I AM doing is being honest and transparent with you.  I want you to see I don’t have it all together. I want you to know that all you feel and deal with is normal.  All of it.  EVERY. SINGLE. THOUGHT. AND. EMOTION.

Every one of us muddles through in our own way.  I like that we can do this, this way.  I once was told that as long as it’s not immoral or illegal, you can grieve any way you want.  Good advice. 

A large part of what gets me through is sitting in my chair and praying.  Another huge piece to my puzzle is resoundingly awesome friends who support me no matter what.  And it’s, of course, my faith that holds me together.  Faith is an anchor, not a crutch.

So while I’m feeling so uncertain about things today and most definitely uncertain about the future and the big decisions I will be facing in the next few years, I know it will all be possible and ultimately it will all be OK.  With my faith, my friends, my chair and prayer, I will keep getting stronger.  And however you choose to roll, you will too.

Peace & Blessings

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No Energy, Zero Motivation……………..A Gift??

Do you have some days where you are running low on energy, but others when it seems ok?  Yeah – me too.  And after over 4 years, I have – after ruling out normal reasons – come to the conclusion that it’s a part of grief.

On dark, cloudy days, I totally get why I feel like a slug.  But days like today – bright, sun-shiny, beautiful – it makes no sense.

In the first year and a bit beyond, I could see the truth in the saying that grief is exhausting.  There were days and parts of days where my broken heart expressed itself by floods of tears.  And I remembered the scripture that says God keeps all our tears in a bottle.  Then, as now, I wonder how big my bottle is or how many bottles are assigned to me.

But as I sit here, my eyes tear up as I feel this lack of energy and motivation.  So much to do – I want to move – but I sit here sipping coffee in my robe at 9:45 am.  It’s a holiday – so while this is not my usual routine, it’s ok.  And I promise, once I finish writing this, I will move these bones.

I’m trying to embrace these static moments as a gift.  Too many run in terror from the stilling of motion and solitary minutes.  But the rest of life is overfull.  So I’m trying to take deep breaths, enjoy the comfort of my coffee, and be still.

When I’m not fighting the push of energy and to-do lists, I notice the woods behind my house.  I reflect on the blessing of children and grandchildren.  I think about my life – how far I’ve come since Tracy died, and possibilities for the future.  And I look around my home as if seeing it after being gone for a long time.  I love my home and the things in it.  But how often do I look around, drink in the sight of it and smile?  Almost never.

This energy thing – if you are experiencing this motion stopping lack of motivation, you are not alone.  It may take some time but try to accept it as a sort of gift.  If tears flow and your heart breaks, let them flow – feel the break.  And know this – you will never have to cry those exact tears again.  In God’s grace, we feel this grief and cry through things one small part at a time.  Otherwise this pain would kill us.

So here’s to permission to be ok with energy lacking, zero motivation times.  Join me in trying to embrace the stillness.  Join me in appreciating the segments of the day when time stops.  Maybe you and I need to take these times, not looking back or ahead.  Perhaps the real gift is to take note of the present – – – – this very moment.

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How Do I Know???

Isn’t this the question we ask about everything?  When our spouse dies, life gets thrown up in the air.  And we who are left behind struggle to put it all back together.

How do I know how long to wear my ring(s)?

How do I know if I should stay in my home or sell & move?

How do I know what to keep and what to let go of?

How do I know if I’m making the right decision about – – – the vehicles, the property, the job, the paperwork/forms, friendships, finances, church…….

It can crash in – feel overwhelming.  It can cause a cascade of grief deeper & longer lasting than you expected.

What I want you to know is – – – feeling this way is completely normal.   And – you will get through it !!

We sometimes feel “less than” when confronted with such a different paradigm.  But the truth is – – – we are not “less than”.  We are strong and we are walkin’ this thing.  We never knew how strong we were till we HAD to be stronger than we EVER imagined.  Strong through tears, through decisions, through fire & rain.

So hang in there dear one.  Better days are coming.  And when you look back, you will smile, knowing you actually did it.  Yes…………….yes, you really did.

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Alone. . .

Being Alone

Life, or rather death, has dealt the most awful blow to us.  We’ve lost that other part of ourselves.  Whether slowly to cancer or Alzheimer’s….. or suddenly as in a traffic accident, pulmonary embolism or other tragic event – they are gone.   And after the flurry of activity during the first week or two, life can still seem rather busy or full during the day.  We spend hours on the phone, filling out forms/paperwork, driving here & there – just getting through the logistics after a death.   But once that’s done, then what?

Days & Nights

While you may not be like me, let me tell you how this has rolled in my life.  You hopefully will relate on some level, though we all experience this rodeo in our own way – the components may be different, but the feelings can be the same or similar.  During the day for me,  it’s relatively easy.  There’s the list to tackle, doctor appointments, a little work, house duties, property stuff, errands to run.  But at the end of the day – literally – it’s the nights that can be so hard.  What’s there to do?  Oh yes – sometimes I have a ticket to go to a special event.  I have choir practice one night and facilitate a women’s bible study another night – but even those………………..I finish and drive home. . .alone.

The House

I always leave the porch light on as well as a couple lamps inside  on timers.  I absolutely hate walking into a dark house.  The first few minutes I’m putting things away, taking my coat off (if it’s cool/cold weather) and check phone messages.  I have some dear friends that I text “Home” to – it’s a safety thing and I love them for that.  OK – so that’s done………………….no matter what I choose to do – read a book, watch tv, watch recorded stuff, play on my phone or whatever – it’s empty.  There’s no one to share what’s happened during the day – no one to have a disagreement with – no one to laugh with or watch tv with or plan what to do next weekend with…………..no one.  It gets old…………after nearly 4 years, it’s so very old.  And I suspect it’s something that wears on you as well.

Coping

Coping – surviving – navigating forward…………………it’s what we do.  I’ve found that what helps me is to focus on it being MY TIME.  I find pleasure in what I choose to do instead of who I don’t have with me.  I look forward to watching what I recorded – there was no time to watch it before, so now I can enjoy it minus commercials – don’t you just love that???  I may hit the hay early and read a good book……….it really does lift my spirit to immerse myself in an imaginary place with imaginary people – or read about someone’s life – someone who went through stuff and came out better on the other side.  If I feel the need to simply check out from everyone and everything, I thoroughly enjoy playing on my phone – can I just say Pinterest??  I’ve found really wonderful recipes there and ideas for DIY or for making gifts, stuff for grandchildren………..ETC……………….  It’s my focus………..it’s a choice.  It’s taken time to do this well.  Early on – not so much.  Early on I would watch tv and just be sad.  I think it takes awhile for our mind & heart to move forward. Absolutely EVERYTHING in our life changes when we lose our spouse.  So it takes awhile to find a new normal……………..a new groove, even if that groove is all over the place.  So let me just encourage you to allow for time……………..and I know – I kind of hate that word too.  Seems like everyone says it takes time…………….but there’s no way around it – it just does…………take……………time.

Hang In There

Take it from one who may not be doing this perfectly, but has figured out some things along the nearly 4 year journey……………..hang in there.  Sometimes we just have to hold our breath and get through another day –  another night.  I promise that “better” days are ahead. (better in quotes, because there really isn’t a good word in any language to explain)  No matter what point in your journey you are reading this, hold on.  Sometimes the best thing we can do is simply hold on, take one step forward and see what happens.  If you are a person of faith, cling to that.  Statistics prove that a person of ANY faith will meet life’s challenges/tragedies better than a person with ZERO faith.  So if it’s been awhile since you were in church – give it a whirl.  It’s most definitely time to get back in the saddle – one step at a time.  My faith & my church have helped me feel not alone.  In my world, God is walking this thing with me.  And the faith folk in my life, along with some treasured friends, are walking it with me too.  They accept me as I am and encourage me when it’s tough.  Honestly – my faith & faith partners are the most significant puzzle pieces in my life.  Oh how I pray that you have this too.  If not – give it a try.  Seriously, what do you have to lose…………except being alone.

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The Black Curtain

When someone loses a spouse, there’s a black curtain of sorts that we walk into.  We aren’t walking through it as many outsiders imagine.  No – rather, we walk into it and are enveloped in darkness/emptiness.   I don’t have adequate words to explain it, but it truly does exist.

Even while surrounded by the black curtain, we function.  We greet people at the visitation/wake and funeral/memorial.  Actually, we often end up comforting those who are there for us.  That’s OK.  It gives us something to do and we are enormously touched by the influence of our loved one’s life on so many.  But the fact still remains that we are in the black curtain.

It’s not necessarily depression.  It is completely possible to be immersed in the black curtain and not be depressed.  That was my experience.  But others experience depression or the beginning of depression.  It is NEVER wrong to seek help and medication to cope through it all.  What person, when struggling in the water, would refuse a life preserver?  So some will need this.  It’s not a sign of weakness.  It’s a sign of strength to recognize the need and get help.  Smart – very smart.

How long are we in the black curtain?  It’s different for each person.  An important truth that others need to understand is that there’s no timeline on grief.  It lasts as long as it lasts.

As we move forward and the days become months, and then years, the black curtain turns us loose.  It unfolds section by section.  There’s no magic event that removes it.  We walk around in our everyday, ordinary, back to some sort of normal lives and bring the black curtain with us.  The unfolding comes as bits of light pierce through.  Sometimes we take a step, make a new choice, decide to do something different or embrace enlightenment through a writing or a person.  The black curtain peels back.  We can breathe a little easier and our heart doesn’t feel so heavy.

I’m only 3+ years into this grief journey.  My black curtain is still with me partially. Much of it has unfolded and fallen away.  I have talked with many widows and widowers who lost their spouses many years ago.  Most of their black curtain is gone, but a small piece remains.

I believe that the small piece of the black curtain may stay with each of us.  It doesn’t define us, but it is part of who we are.

I’m no expert, but I think that having that small piece of the black curtain helps us relate to, be empathetic with, and be tenderhearted toward, those who have experienced loss.  Our hearts bleed with their crushed heart.  We connect because we recognize the black curtain in each of us.  I believe God intentionally arranged for this to happen.  In God’s Word to us, the Bible, it says in 2 Corinthians 1:4 – “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”

On my grief journey, I’ve learned that God doesn’t waste anything.  My tragedy wasn’t for nothing.  I can see other’s black curtain.  It allows me to practice the ministry of presence.  The small piece of my black curtain connects with their black curtain.  It may be at that moment that a tiny glimmer of light pierces through.  Hope – just a microscopic flicker of hope.  It’s a beginning.  The black curtain begins to unfurl and fall away.

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Grief 101 for Non-Grievers

Grief and Loss

While the Guide is not a grief booklet, grief & loss are the subjects at hand.

There’s an over abundance of books on grief.  Honestly most of them aren’t that helpful.  For example, the ones giving a definitive list of grief stages and the order of each stage. Not real – not helpful.

Grief is different for everyone.  You may or may not go through every single stage. And clearly, there’s no order whatsoever. The best advice I received     was – As long as it’s not illegal or immoral, you can grieve however you want.

So let’s talk about the elephant in the room. I don’t mean the death.  I DO mean what everyone else is trying to figure out when responding. People don’t know what to say, so sometimes they say the strangest things.  Someone needs to put all the funny comments & stories in a book.  Hilarious!!!!

So here’s some simple things to remember from one who has been there.  Some I learned from my experience of loss and others I learned from a variety of sources along the way.

  • Always OK & preferred to say, “I’m so sorry.”
  • No cliches – no matter how true.
  • Meet the person where they are. Allow them to be real. It’s not your job to cheer them up.
  • Know that grief is emotional, yes – but also psychological and physical.
  • Death grief is different than divorce grief.  Both are awful – but not the same.
  • Practice the ministry of presence – be there – stop talking – listen.
  • OK to talk about the deceased loved one.  Stories, reminiscing. . . acknowledging the impact of a life. This way the person lives on.

Of course there’s lots more, but you get the general idea.  You don’t need to fix it because quite honestly, there’s no fixing.  So take a deep breath, say a prayer and remember the points I just made.  You will be fine.  The fact that you showed up is huge – much bigger than you will every know. . .well, unless you end up the bereaved spouse one day.  And then you will totally “get it.”