Category: Asking questions

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Lamenting…………and a Book Suggestion

         Psalm 10 – Psalm 77 – Psalm 13

Lament…………………..do you know about lament?

I really didn’t understand what was meant by lament – at least not for a Christian. Lament according to Webster is the expression of sorrow – the mourning, wailing, crying loudly.  But for the Christian, the definition is a bit different. 

Here’s where I suggest a very good book on Christian lament.  The title?            Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop.  It’s been an very eye-opening book for me.  Let me try to explain why. 

The past 2+ years I have been experiencing a different kind of grief – or maybe it would be more accurate to say a different season of grief that now I think is really lament. 

The book explains lament way better than I could, so I will use short excerpts from the book.

“Lament is a prayer in pain that leads to trust.”

Lament “usually includes 4 key elements: (1) an address to God, (2) a complaint, (3) a request, and (4) an expression of trust and/or praise.”

“Lament is the honest cry of  hurting heart wrestling with the paradox of pain and the promise of God’s goodness.”

So you see, it is different than melting into a bucket of tears, which is what happens to us especially for the first few years………but we all know that this pops up as time goes on.  We all know we don’t “get over” grief or completely heal this side of heaven.  But, the lion’s share of this happens early.  Just an aside – I believe this is God’s grace.  How can I say that?  I believe if God allowed us to feel the full weight of the pain of grief in the first week or so that we would actually die.  I don’t believe our human frame could take it. And so, God allows the buckets for awhile, but then they are more manageable containers.  We are able to cry it through, and work through that moment, or that hour, or that difficult day or night.  God’s grace.  It’s a way He shows His love for us & His compassion. 

Back to lament………..so maybe the best way to help you is to be transparent about my lamenting over the recent past, and is still very much present. 

It is me asking hard questions that stem from watching others widowed find their second chapter or it might be watching the frightening spiral of culture, our country etc. etc. and realizing I may walk this darkness alone till He returns.  And yes – I know I’m not alone when I have God/Jesus/Holy Spirit.  Truly, they are the only thing that holds me together sometimes.  Dark – it’s so dark, and getting darker by the day.

It’s me wrestling with the “paradox of pain and the promise of God’s goodness.”   It’s a word I learned recently.  Theodicy.  Defense of God’s goodness and omnipotence in view of the existence of evil (Webster)  

It’s asking God where my restoration is, when will the intense pain stop, how long Lord?  Then when I’m deep in the weeds with this, I think of others whose suffering is physical and unending, and I wonder if I have a leg to stand on in my lament to God. In the end, I believe we all go through crucibles of our own, whether physical or emotional or spiritual.  And as Christians, the difference for us is the Rock on which we stand.  I must remember that while my feelings are very real, they are often not true.  So how can I know??

How we know our feelings aren’t true is to line them up with the Truth of scripture.  We don’t have our own truth – there is only one Truth.  Our pain, whatever it is, doesn’t get the final word – God does. 

The Psalms are so encouraging to me.  I believed that’s why it’s the “go to” scripture for anyone experiencing a tough emotion. David lays it all out – over & over again. I love that about him. God had him do that for our benefit. David was a man after God’s own heart, but he still struggled with pain, with theodicy.

Am I rolling out of this lament ?  The simple answer is no.  I do, however, see God teaching me things.  And I know from walking with the Lord for lots of years, He’s got a purpose in my pain. I also know that He loves when I praise Him even when I’m crying and asking questions. I love that about Him. He is my heavenly Father and I can come to Him messy & broken.  Good thing, because I am………….alot these days.   You too?  

Be encouraged friend. Go to the Psalms I listed at the beginning of this post.  That’s a great starting point.  Keep talking to God. Bring Him your questions, your pain. Ask Him to teach you things through this. Trust Him. Praise Him. Watch what He does. Friend, He is our solid Rock. Everything else is sinking sand.  This pain isn’t for nothing.  God doesn’t waste anything. Hold onto hope. Hold onto the Savior.  Lament it out dear friends…………….

Sending you hugs……………………Peace & Blessings…………

 

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Catching up and Questions

It’s been terribly long since I wrote on the blog.  So please accept my apology.  

To be honest, I’ve been mulling over whether I need to keep writing here, if it’s helpful for anyone, or if I should just give it up.  I’m not the most tech savvy person and my site isn’t very modern or as current as others.  Also – for quite awhile, writing seemed to be what I was supposed to do.  I’m reevaluating that lately.  I do enjoy the writing, but trying to assess if it should be a priority.  

So maybe you can help me with this.  Do you like the content here?  Would you like to see more about my grief journey or grief in general?  If there are topics or ideas you would like to see me write about, comment and let me know.  

We all know grief is such an odd journey.  I just passed the 8 year mark.  I can’t wrap my head around that length of time.  In some ways it doesn’t seem that long ago, but when I look at all that has happened since my husband passed, it makes sense that it’s that long.  Sounds a bit circular in thinking, but then, grief is sorta like that, isn’t it? 

To catch you up on what I’ve been doing.  In 2021 I took an ACBC Biblical Counseling Course at my church.  Deep stuff, but so good.  Since January 2022, I’ve been putting together a Grief Support Binder – my personal resource when meeting with a widow.  It’s all sorts of information on a variety of topics with applicable scriptures etc.  No one but me will really be seeing this, but I need something where all the stuff I’ve learned, both in class and in life, is located.  My husband would call it my Dash One – which is what they called the enormous binder for each aircraft in the Air Force.  It’s a small b bible for that plane.  My GSB is my Dash One.  

Oddly enough, but perfectly logical in God’s economy, God continues to bring widows to me in various ways, giving me the opportunity to listen, understand and with whom to share my journey.  It’s such a privilege.  And so  – this is where I believe God is calling me – – – – to walk along side other widows.  This is an awesome responsibility and calling.  The more I learn, the more I feel inadequate to the task.  But God has other ideas.  He used so many unqualified people in the Bible to accomplish His will.  Maybe I’m just another one of those unqualified, but willing & obedient folk.  

Thank you for being part of this inconsistent blog of my journey.  Doing this was not what I had originally meant to do – the blog portion just came with the set up of the website, so I went with it. 

I’m honored that you would take time to read my ramblings.  I’m honored to share my imperfect journey.  Let me know what you think.

Peace & Blessings…………………………………………..

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The Deathiversary

Deathiversary

Believe it or not, that is truly a word.  I promise – not a joke.  It’s in the Urban Dictionary online.  Yeah…………..I did go looking for it.  Actually, I was just looking for a word besides anniversary – or death day.  Not sure I’ll stick with this one, but it struck me as a good one to use for this post.  So humor me – ok?

Yesterday.  4/1/2021   My husband Tracy’s deathiversary.  7 years.  Wow…….I can’t believe it’s been 7 years.  In my heart and head I do feel like it’s more than a year – but 7 years?  Seriously?  (SMH)

Every year is different.  Some have been worse than others.  Some have been full and easier to take than others.  Last year, 2020, well – you can imagine how awful that was.  Not the whole day, mind you, but a significant part for sure.  Everything was shut down so I couldn’t really go much of anywhere, and somehow going to the grocery store wasn’t at the top of my fun list.  

Yesterday was quite good till I went to bed.  And then the weight of the day crashed in.  I’m pretty sure many of you have had this happen.  While I do understand the reason behind last night’s sob fest, what I don’t understand is  when the wave crashes unexpectedly with no trigger.  But that’s probably a subject for another post.  For now – I will focus on the deathiversary smash. 

I had spent a little time reading, turned out the light and began my prayer like always.  The thing is, I got a bit stuck thanking God for the day.  I was truly thankful for the day, but somehow the day itself was connected with a day of pain beyond explanation 7 years ago.  The only way I could get through it to the other side was to talk it through with God.  There was heartbroken honesty and some questions asked.  How thankful I am that God listens and understands.  In scripture He is called the God of all comfort.  It’s true.  Do my questions get answered ?  No, and probably not this side of heaven.  Does it really solve anything?  No – but something does happen.  I think it’s that I feel validated, listened-to, understood.  And that does make a difference.  In the end, I believe it’s simply needful to talk it out.  Holding it in makes the torture go on and on.  But speaking it out loud, or at a sobbing whisper, means something.  It’s not dangling out there in the air, it has made it non-stop to the throne of grace.  And through the unbroken connection between the throne & me, love pours through.  The listening part is what helps the most I think.  I’m sure God is thinking,  ‘here she’s comes again with the grief wave’.  But He listens anyway.  

And don’t we do that with our children?  We want them to come to us a gazillion times with their heartaches.  We listen.  We understand that what they are going through is hard and sometimes not fair.  We hold them, we hug them, we comfort them.  Well – that’s what God does.  He listens.  He holds me.  He hugs me.  He comforts me.  And finally at long last, I sleep.  

Truth be told, my face feels swollen in the morning & I’m running low on my sleep meter.  But I feel like some of the toxic grief has left me and I can begin a new day.  Technically the first day of the 8th year.   Yikes………….ok I need to land this plane or I’m going to feel discouraged again.

So how do you handle your deathiversary?  Have you had ups and downs?  Have you experienced God’s amazing grace, listening and comfort?  Tell me about it.  It doesn’t matter how long for you – the deathiversary comes every year.  1, 4, 7, 15 +.  Talk to me.  How did you deal with the last one?  How are you going to deal with the one coming up?  

No matter your loss – No matter how fresh or how long, my heart is with you.  I’m listening, giving a virtual hug and sharing a word of encouragement.  Here’s something that resonates with me. . . . . . 

Psalm 34:18  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.     

Psalm 56:8   You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book. 

That’s the God who listens and esteems our tears greatly.  I pray it blesses you to  know that.  

Peace & Blessings

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The Why Questions

Have you ever looked into the night sky and asked questions?  Better yet – did you get any answers?

I bet not.

Many times I’ve looked at the stars and wondered many things.  I have wished my husband could just send a message.  I’ve wished God could give me some sort of explanation. 

But there was nothing but silence.

It seems to be a common theme with those who have experienced loss.  We all have questions.  And it doesn’t matter if our loss was sudden or dragged out with some awful thing like cancer. 

The number one question is usually – – – – WHY…………

Why did they have to die? Why did they die so young? Why couldn’t the doctors find the tumors earlier? Why wasn’t there time to say good bye? Why was there such pain and suffering? Why am I left alone?

So many whys………………

When I first asked my Whys, I would eventually get so exhausted that I gave up. As time went on and I gained strength, the Whys continued, but the direction changed. I went to the Source – the only place I felt I could find an answer.  I went to God and His word.

There is a lot of suffering in the bible.  Men and women lost people they loved to illness, war and suicide.  I’m sure they asked Why too. 

One man is recorded in scripture asking Why and with good reason.  His name is Job.  Most people have heard of him and his troubles.

His losses just would. not. stop.

He lost all his oxen and servants while they were in the field. Then fire fell from heaven killing all his sheep and the servants tending them. At the same time, enemies of Job came and stole his camels and killed those servants.  He lost all his sons and daughters because a mighty wind struck the house where they were gathered and it collapsed. 

But it didn’t end there. 

He had lost possessions and his whole family except his wife.  But there was more to lose.  He lost his health.  All of a sudden terrible boils appeared all over his body.  They were everywhere from the top of his head to the bottoms of his feet.  They were terribly painful.  He tried to relieve the suffering by scraping himself with a piece of pottery while sitting among the ashes.  I can’t imagine how awful that was!  Job knew sadness upon sadness as well as physical pain.  He was suffering and I’m sure asking Why.

To make matters worse, his wife turned her back on God and gave Job some terrible advice.  She said, “Do you still hold fast to your integrity?  Curse God and die!”

Thankfully Job did not go along with her suggestion.  He knew she was being foolish. 

Still, Job was stuck in this situation for a long time.  He had some friends who tried to figure out the cause of Job’s hurting, but they were no help.  

Job asks Why.  He cries out to God.  He feels forgotten. 

In our deep grief. . . .in our loss that has devastated our world, we can feel forgotten too.  It’s a natural way to feel.  The good news is, God is big enough to handle our deep emotions and our begging question – Why?

I like this story of Job because though it’s a heart wrenching story, it has a fantastic ending. By the way – go read the great ending – it’s Job 42: 10-17.  The last chapters of Job show us something about wanting answers to unanswerable questions.

God does answer Job after he has poured his heart out completely.  It is in God’s answer and Job’s response that I find help for my Whys. 

God clearly shows who He is and His authority.  Job gets it.  He realizes that he was asking for answers he could never understand.  He saw that God in His sovereignty, His ultimate power and majesty, was too wonderful and amazing for a mere human to comprehend. 

I wish I was the one who had come up with this, but it’s actually a statement I heard from the popular Christian singer, Danny Gokey.  He said, “God doesn’t answer Job’s questions, He gives him perspective.”

That’s so rich.  And it resonates with me. 

Do I still ask Why? Yes !  It’s ok to ask our Whys. God is there to listen and comfort.  He knows we see this in an earthly and personal way.  But now I can open my hand and let my tears flow. God has a totally different perspective.  All I see is right here.  God sees everything – past, present and future.  So I trust Him. 

Friend, I know it’s not easy to do.  You won’t suddenly be ok with your Whys.  You will continue to have questions.  But over time, perhaps knowing God has the only perfect perspective, you can open your hand as you cry saying, “OK God, I don’t like it and I don’t understand, but I trust You.”

May we all find peace as we bring God our Whys, then move forward with trust.  

Peace & Blessings to us all…………………………………….