Month: April 2021

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Dreaming

Do you dream about your loved one?  Lots or not often?

Let me start this off by telling you that no matter your experience, it’s normal.  There is no “right or wrong”.   

My experience – not often.  Matter of fact, over the last 7 years I have seen Tracy in a dream, maybe 5 or 6 times.   Only one dream was significant in it’s content.  The rest I was watching him from the side either working on a project or sitting there working on something on paper – planning it out, measuring, constructing it. 

However, I have a dear friend who lost her husband and dreamed about him every night for a long time.  Now, a little over 7 years later, she dreams about him, but not as often.  

I’ve done some casual research on this.  It seems that both ways are how it rolls for folks.  Either we dream of them lots or not often.  It doesn’t seem to matter if the marriage was long or somewhat shorter.   I don’t believe it is indicative of the depth of love either.   It just seems to be a thing – it is how it is. 

So how does it roll for you?   Please comment and let me know.  What’s your experience?   Do you dream of your loved one that you lost?  And how long ago did you experience your loss?    I would love to hear from you.  

In closing, let me share with you the last time I dreamt of my Tracy.  It was just before waking on Easter morning – yes, that was yesterday.   It was very brief, but I was so very glad to see him at the beginning of that special day.  I was watching him from a few feet away.  He was deeply engrossed in something on paper.  This was a normal thing for him when he was drawing, writing down measurements and making a list to the side of building supplies.  He  never looked up (darn), but I saw him clearly.  A view of him that I used to see and now don’t.  Yes, it pressed on my heart, but it also made me smile.  

Even though I don’t dream of him often, I’m glad I still do occasionally.  It’s comforting to see him, even if it’s just a dream.   And I know I will see him again someday.  But for now I dream.  

I hope your dreams make you smile too, even through the heartache.  I choose to look at the dreams as a gift.  I hope you do too.  

Peace & Blessings to you

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The Deathiversary

Deathiversary

Believe it or not, that is truly a word.  I promise – not a joke.  It’s in the Urban Dictionary online.  Yeah…………..I did go looking for it.  Actually, I was just looking for a word besides anniversary – or death day.  Not sure I’ll stick with this one, but it struck me as a good one to use for this post.  So humor me – ok?

Yesterday.  4/1/2021   My husband Tracy’s deathiversary.  7 years.  Wow…….I can’t believe it’s been 7 years.  In my heart and head I do feel like it’s more than a year – but 7 years?  Seriously?  (SMH)

Every year is different.  Some have been worse than others.  Some have been full and easier to take than others.  Last year, 2020, well – you can imagine how awful that was.  Not the whole day, mind you, but a significant part for sure.  Everything was shut down so I couldn’t really go much of anywhere, and somehow going to the grocery store wasn’t at the top of my fun list.  

Yesterday was quite good till I went to bed.  And then the weight of the day crashed in.  I’m pretty sure many of you have had this happen.  While I do understand the reason behind last night’s sob fest, what I don’t understand is  when the wave crashes unexpectedly with no trigger.  But that’s probably a subject for another post.  For now – I will focus on the deathiversary smash. 

I had spent a little time reading, turned out the light and began my prayer like always.  The thing is, I got a bit stuck thanking God for the day.  I was truly thankful for the day, but somehow the day itself was connected with a day of pain beyond explanation 7 years ago.  The only way I could get through it to the other side was to talk it through with God.  There was heartbroken honesty and some questions asked.  How thankful I am that God listens and understands.  In scripture He is called the God of all comfort.  It’s true.  Do my questions get answered ?  No, and probably not this side of heaven.  Does it really solve anything?  No – but something does happen.  I think it’s that I feel validated, listened-to, understood.  And that does make a difference.  In the end, I believe it’s simply needful to talk it out.  Holding it in makes the torture go on and on.  But speaking it out loud, or at a sobbing whisper, means something.  It’s not dangling out there in the air, it has made it non-stop to the throne of grace.  And through the unbroken connection between the throne & me, love pours through.  The listening part is what helps the most I think.  I’m sure God is thinking,  ‘here she’s comes again with the grief wave’.  But He listens anyway.  

And don’t we do that with our children?  We want them to come to us a gazillion times with their heartaches.  We listen.  We understand that what they are going through is hard and sometimes not fair.  We hold them, we hug them, we comfort them.  Well – that’s what God does.  He listens.  He holds me.  He hugs me.  He comforts me.  And finally at long last, I sleep.  

Truth be told, my face feels swollen in the morning & I’m running low on my sleep meter.  But I feel like some of the toxic grief has left me and I can begin a new day.  Technically the first day of the 8th year.   Yikes………….ok I need to land this plane or I’m going to feel discouraged again.

So how do you handle your deathiversary?  Have you had ups and downs?  Have you experienced God’s amazing grace, listening and comfort?  Tell me about it.  It doesn’t matter how long for you – the deathiversary comes every year.  1, 4, 7, 15 +.  Talk to me.  How did you deal with the last one?  How are you going to deal with the one coming up?  

No matter your loss – No matter how fresh or how long, my heart is with you.  I’m listening, giving a virtual hug and sharing a word of encouragement.  Here’s something that resonates with me. . . . . . 

Psalm 34:18  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.     

Psalm 56:8   You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book. 

That’s the God who listens and esteems our tears greatly.  I pray it blesses you to  know that.  

Peace & Blessings