As I look around the house, in some places I see that time has passed. In other places it’s as though time is standing still.
For a long while, I kept everything the same. After my husband, Tracy, died 4 1/2 years ago, leaving it all as it was, was comforting. So much had changed because of his death. So much. I couldn’t face any more.
Time is a funny thing. In some ways it helps me move forward. In other ways I wish I could go backward in time.
I’ve learned so much through Tracy’s death and trying to keep living. Many times it feels like I take 2 steps forward and one back. I know I’m making progress, but sometimes it just seems so tough.
Each night when I go to bed, I wonder if I should set my alarm or not. Sometimes I need to because of an appointment, but other times I could wake up whenever.
Recently though, I made the decision to schedule important items first thing in the morning. I really do have much to accomplish each day. So I decided to apply some structure to my life. It’s the way I’m continuing to live. No matter what, life does go on. By structuring part of my day, it helps me take those steps forward.
Often it feels like I’m in never-never land. It’s such a strange journey. There’s much out of my control. There are lots of days when I feel like the world is still moving, events still happening, and I’m standing still.
Maybe the worst part is all the decisions. Decisions about property, house and worst of all – paperwork. At one time there were several piles of paperwork. I filled out forms, attached death certificates and went to either the post office to send the documents, or to the UPS store to fax.
In the beginning, it was simple stuff like what to eat. What church service do I want to go to? And then it moved on to – what am I going to do about Thanksgiving? Christmas? Oh dear God, I don’t want to be alone.
Now, being this far out, it’s more the decisions about house and property. Mowing, staining the deck, roof leak, car issues, fixing toilets, window replacements, AC issues, shoveling snow, spot seeding the lawn etc. etc. You get the idea.
When does this all get better? I sure wish I had an answer. But for now, it’s a matter of dealing with things one step at a time. God is walking with me and that helps so much. Things seem bleak and uncertain, but I know God has a plan – and His Word says it’s good. No matter what I face or how I feel, I choose to trust Him. God is greatest & He knows best.