Sometimes I almost feel caged or perhaps a better word would be – captive.
This grief walk changes all the time. Initially it’s dark, foggy and feels so impossible. As time progresses, it feels more like a black curtain that we walk through or carry with us. The curtain will sometimes fold in around us for awhile and we remain there till it unfolds and lets us move on.
But recently I’m experiencing the grief differently. It’s as though all along I have been moving forward. And in doing so I feel a great sense of accomplishment, even peace. But, when I least expect it – boom ! A grief ambush ! And it feels like a cage has been dropped around me. I’m stuck ! There’s more to deal with. . . .more emotion, more thinking, more aching.
Sometimes the cage can even feel a bit like a cocoon. It’s not comforting, mind you, but it’s familiar. And let’s face it. Sometimes the grief is deep and awful. Sometimes it tugs quite hard on the heart but we don’t crash. There are so many facets of grief. I laugh when I read books on grief that explain everything so definitively. Seriously – no. It’s not like that at all.
It feels like a cage now to me. I really do struggle with the captivity and feeling stuck. I’m betting some of you who read this feel that way too.
Oh how I wish I had a helpful solution to offer or even something I have found that helps. But the truth seems to be that we simply wait it out. Though we physically walk around, keep appointments and carry on normal conversation, we remain in the cage. Perhaps we have mastered the normalcy of life while sitting in the cage.
At this writing, I am 4 years and almost 5 months into my grief journey. And what I can say at this point is this. Though the sharp ambushes occur less, they are still profound. And after talking/texting/messaging with others further down this path, I can predict that we will always deal with grief to some degree. The black curtain is always there lurking somewhere, though less visible. And the ambush is sure to happen. . . . . . . sometime. When it does, the cage appears.
But I believe we get better and better – stronger and stronger. We learn to deal with the grief, yes; but I believe God’s grace holds our hearts together and gently pushes us forward to embrace the life ahead.
Oh how I want to have a good future ! I know you do too.
Let’s make a vow to be brave together. Let’s not rush through this. Let’s vow to be stronger as well as better. Darn it ! Grief won’t win. We may have to allow it from time to time, but it won’t win. Let’s not hide our scars. They don’t define us. They are badges of honor. We will survive.
Bravo & Cheers to each one of us……………………..