Month: June 2018

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Being Brave

We all know that early in our grief journey even little things trigger tears – a memory, a picture, a song . . . so many things.  But what I’ve realized as time goes on is this. It’s not just the obvious.  Sometimes the flood of tears or sword to the heart can be triggered by life events or sudden relationship changes or a huge disappointment.  It seems that anything and everything that affects our timeline can throw us.  Not happy news, but knowing this may help me – and you – deal with it when it pops up.  Perhaps being able to identify it when it happens will bring some sense of understanding.  Here’s hoping.

Recently I did something brave  – at least I felt it was brave for a widow.  I agreed to meet two Christian men and no – not at the same time.  I truly went with an open hand.  If there was a spark – OK, if not, OK.  Well – the first one wasn’t a match.  But it was good to know for certain there was to be no connection.  The second was MIA with no communication.  I was stood up – rejected – standing alone.

Once I got home and was able to relax, I crashed and burned.  There were so many reasons why, not the least of which was tied to grief. I no longer felt brave.

Yes!  I had good moments to reflect on and a wonderful visit with family on the way home.  But I also experienced the crashing in of all the emotion and stress involved. Hopes dashed. Questions about my future. Fear – and feeling intensely alone.

It’s scary putting yourself out there.  And, it’s stressful being on high alert as well as trying to sort out emotions.  Dating again after 40 years is not for the faint of heart. 

That said, with some time put behind me, I know I’m stronger and wiser.  Individual experiences don’t define me.  But they help shape who I am.  They add value to this well traveled person.  And in this instance, it helps me know more certainly what I’m looking for.  You see, it’s as important to know what you don’t want as it is to know what you do.

So a couple things here – FIRST of all – simply know that somewhere along the way a life event wrapped up in emotion might trigger a significant grief reaction.  It’s OK!   Roll with it and know you will be stronger and better on the other side.  And SECONDLY – if and when you put yourself out there again, know that you may encounter the wrong person(s) and it’s OK!  Learn what you don’t want and move forward to find the right one.

FYI – I’m still waiting for mine.

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The Fears We Face

When we lose the other half of ourselves and absolutely nothing is the same, there’s fear.  Sometimes it truly is “scaring the crap out of us” fear.  And sometimes (more often than not for me) it’s “fear of the unknown – not knowing what to do next – fear of making a poor decision alone” type of fear.

During the first year after my husband died, I did everything I could to hold onto anything I could keep the same.  Not only is that a healthy thing to do, it’s the logical thing in light of such great loss.

But as each year rolls by, there are moments, sometimes pockets or seasons of time, that cause me to retreat to my favorite chair and crumble.  I have to let it all out and pray it through.  Most of the time I get up out of the chair and feel better by some measure.  Other times I my feel less burdened, but as I rise out of my chair, I simply take one step at a time and do so fearful and overwhelmed.  Somewhere along the way, the fear eases and things level out again. 

This blog entry isn’t designed to make you feel better or provide some magical solution.  What I AM doing is being honest and transparent with you.  I want you to see I don’t have it all together. I want you to know that all you feel and deal with is normal.  All of it.  EVERY. SINGLE. THOUGHT. AND. EMOTION.

Every one of us muddles through in our own way.  I like that we can do this, this way.  I once was told that as long as it’s not immoral or illegal, you can grieve any way you want.  Good advice. 

A large part of what gets me through is sitting in my chair and praying.  Another huge piece to my puzzle is resoundingly awesome friends who support me no matter what.  And it’s, of course, my faith that holds me together.  Faith is an anchor, not a crutch.

So while I’m feeling so uncertain about things today and most definitely uncertain about the future and the big decisions I will be facing in the next few years, I know it will all be possible and ultimately it will all be OK.  With my faith, my friends, my chair and prayer, I will keep getting stronger.  And however you choose to roll, you will too.

Peace & Blessings

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No Energy, Zero Motivation……………..A Gift??

Do you have some days where you are running low on energy, but others when it seems ok?  Yeah – me too.  And after over 4 years, I have – after ruling out normal reasons – come to the conclusion that it’s a part of grief.

On dark, cloudy days, I totally get why I feel like a slug.  But days like today – bright, sun-shiny, beautiful – it makes no sense.

In the first year and a bit beyond, I could see the truth in the saying that grief is exhausting.  There were days and parts of days where my broken heart expressed itself by floods of tears.  And I remembered the scripture that says God keeps all our tears in a bottle.  Then, as now, I wonder how big my bottle is or how many bottles are assigned to me.

But as I sit here, my eyes tear up as I feel this lack of energy and motivation.  So much to do – I want to move – but I sit here sipping coffee in my robe at 9:45 am.  It’s a holiday – so while this is not my usual routine, it’s ok.  And I promise, once I finish writing this, I will move these bones.

I’m trying to embrace these static moments as a gift.  Too many run in terror from the stilling of motion and solitary minutes.  But the rest of life is overfull.  So I’m trying to take deep breaths, enjoy the comfort of my coffee, and be still.

When I’m not fighting the push of energy and to-do lists, I notice the woods behind my house.  I reflect on the blessing of children and grandchildren.  I think about my life – how far I’ve come since Tracy died, and possibilities for the future.  And I look around my home as if seeing it after being gone for a long time.  I love my home and the things in it.  But how often do I look around, drink in the sight of it and smile?  Almost never.

This energy thing – if you are experiencing this motion stopping lack of motivation, you are not alone.  It may take some time but try to accept it as a sort of gift.  If tears flow and your heart breaks, let them flow – feel the break.  And know this – you will never have to cry those exact tears again.  In God’s grace, we feel this grief and cry through things one small part at a time.  Otherwise this pain would kill us.

So here’s to permission to be ok with energy lacking, zero motivation times.  Join me in trying to embrace the stillness.  Join me in appreciating the segments of the day when time stops.  Maybe you and I need to take these times, not looking back or ahead.  Perhaps the real gift is to take note of the present – – – – this very moment.