4 Years
Tomorrow (4/1/18) marks 4 years that my husband Tracy has been gone. There are things about tomorrow that will be so very tough. And then there are things about it, because it’s Easter, that make it not as tough.
My heart is definitely rejoicing that Tracy is healed and whole – no more cancer. Gosh I hate cancer. He fought it hard. The last 3 months were very hard for me too. With cancer, you literally watch the person diminish and die. In the end you simply don’t want them to suffer any more.
But – while my heart rejoices that he’s healed, my heart is also extremely sad. My mind goes back and replays the last 24 hours of life. Sometimes I try to figure out if there was something more I should have done. But really, I know there was not anything else I could have done. And even if there was something that could have helped him stay longer, would that have been fair? I don’t think so. Perhaps the terrible pain on the day of marking is because I miss him so much – This is completely wrong – It was never supposed to be like this – I want him back.
So much has happened since he passed. There are 3 more grandchildren he never met. It was so hard as I welcomed them alone. And – I’m just so tired of being alone, doing everything alone.
Many call it the anniversary of their loved one’s death. And yes, it is. But – I don’t want to assign it as an anniversary. Anniversaries should be happy, not filled with pain. So I’m going to call it the day that marks his death. Maybe there’s another word or phrase, but for now, this is what I’m calling it. If any of you have something that works for you, please comment and share it with me. If I like it better, I might just use it too.
So what’s the point of this blog entry? This one is completely for me, I’m afraid. I’m not even home as I write this. I’m visiting my daughter, her husband and my sweet granddaughter. They didn’t want me to be alone tomorrow. I love my family.
I know there are widows & widowers that read my blog – so this is me working through what tomorrow is going to bring. I pray that on the marked day of your loved one’s death, that God will hold you in His arms – that you will have good memories – that you will have friends or family to spend it with – that you will remember this blog entry and know you are not alone in all you feel.
May the God of comfort & peace surround us all as we walk this grief journey.